Chapter 25
They placed Sam in a home two houses away from the one Dean had chosen. This suited Sam because the house had a chaise lounge in a sun room with accordion glass doors, which allowed Chosen to come and go while they tended to him. Castiel noticed Donna and Kim were standing outside of the doors watching Castiel and Dean approaching with a sort of stern protectiveness that Castiel did not recall seeing in them before. Castiel warily followed closely behind Dean who trudged without hesitation towards the opened doors.
"This is nothing new, Cas," he explained, "Sam has woken up before but I like to be notified when he does. I just like to see if there are any lights on upstairs."
"Well hopefully I can help him with that," Castiel responded as his eyes drifted towards the two women while he walked by. They scowled at him openly which was definitely unsettling. Castiel meant what he said. He sincerely hoped he could help bring Sam around and that his Grace would help heal the younger brother. For more reasons than Dean could possibly know.
They rounded the last corner, and Castiel's stomach clenched. Eros was sitting in a small chair next to Sam's bed. When he looked up and saw Cas approaching, his jaw dropped open in shock. Castiel sighed. He had hoped he could avoid the other angel for a little longer while he came up with an explanation for Dean. One that did not make Dean feel used and loathsome towards Cas. He didn't think he'd be able to face that.
Immediately, upon Dean entering the sun room, Eros was on his feet.
"How could you do this to him?" The boy angel shouted at Dean, and Castiel felt a pang of guilt for avoiding him. It seemed that, since Eros swore fealty to serve Castiel, he has taken his vows very seriously. He almost looked up to Cas with an adoration akin to the way Sam sometimes looked at Dean.
"I didn't do this to Sam, Eros," Dean said with an edge of challenge in his voice, "You know that." Eros opened his mouth to retort but Castiel put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
"A moment with you, brother?" He asked and then space shifted the two of them to the outskirts of town without waiting for a response. As soon as their wings settled Eros laid into him. Clenched fists pounded at Castiel's chest as the boy half shouted half sobbed.
"Castiel, your Grace! You're glowing like a supernova! Why did you do this? How could you let him do this to you? How can you do this to yourself? You're going to die if you keep...Why can't you just listen to...Oh, Castiel!" The boy collapsed to the ground and Castiel bent to soothe him. Cas spread his Grace over them like a blanket and hugged the little angel to his chest.
"It needed to be done. I was useless to him without my Grace."
"But his emotions...they are just pouring out of him unchecked. I told him to temper his soul; to shroud in the void...why did he not listen?"
"Because," Castiel said softly, and a small smile touched at his lips, "I told him not to. And because he doesn't know." Eros pulled away and looked up at his brother. His eyes, filled with the same tears the streaked his face, looked genuinely distraught.
"Castiel...no. Don't do that...you must tell him. What about your vessel?" he said softly and Castiel chuckled.
"If I didn't know any better, I'd think you've been drinking your own potions with all these tears, Eros," he said as caught one tear on his crook of his finger. "As long as I have hunters to heal, I'll be alright, and there are always hunters to heal. Please...let me tell Dean."
Eros stared at Castiel for a long time. His eyes haunted and distraught with all the knowledge he couldn't share. After an eternity, he nodded wordlessly and Castiel gave the boy a final hug before pulling him to his feet.
"We need to head back. I must tend to Sam," Castiel said, pulling away.
"Yes, you do," Eros said sullenly, "or your vessel isn't going to last the day." They space shifted back to the room where Sam waited.
Dean was sitting next to his brother when they returned and Castiel felt the familiar pull to go to him. He was Soul-bound to Dean, he always has been, but the connection has only intensified as of the day before. Castiel distantly wondered if he would no longer be able to resist obeying any command Dean placed upon him, but he brushed the thought away without much worry. It was what it was, and he regretted none of it. He gave up heaven for Dean, and for the chance to live freely with the only person that gave him meaning and purpose. Nothing else mattered to him but that.
Castiel studied Sam. The younger brother sat upright, and with eyes open, but Cas could sense a hollow space in his middle. It was almost as if he had lost his soul again even though Castiel knew better. There just was so little of it left there.
"Did you put Cupid in his place?" Dean jabbed and Castiel could sense his brother growing defensive.
"Eros understands the situation now," Castiel said firmly; a reminder to the boy to watch his tongue. Eros glared at Castiel with hurt eyes before ducking his head and stomping out of the house. Castiel sighed. He would have to console his brother later but for now, he must heal this brother and quickly.
"Dean…there is so little of Sam's soul left. If I heal him there will be. .. scar tissue. He cannot safely use the Recurve again." Dean nodded and Cas suspected it was always the hunter's intent to remove the Recurve from his brother's hand. Taking a deep breath, Castiel took a step forward and placed his fingers on Sam's forehead. He took his time with the act.
In the past, his healing was rough and rugged. A field dressing that cost minimal Grace for the effort. But now, he was a surgeon. Grace threaded and weaved, bobbed and pulled while Castiel felt the store inside him trickling away. He ignored the vacancy where once he was so full, and closed his eyes to concentrate better on the finer blemishes of Sam's soul. As he worked, hours passed, and Sam lulled into sleep once more. He was exhausted from the strain the effort took on his body, and Dean laid his brother back down against the chaise lounge. Castiel struggled to steady his breath, straining in his search along the surface of Sam's soul.
"Cas, you alright?" Dean said in a raspy voice and his hand closed over Castiel's leg. Cas could feel the hunter's adoration for the effort he was taking, and he almost moaned from the pleasure of it. It was enough to get him through, and eventually Castiel was satisfied he had done all he could. He cleansed Sam's soul without extinguishing those things that made Sam unique. The pain he felt for the losses of his family and fiancé, the betrayal he felt for all the demons that manipulated his life, the painful insecurity he garnished towards his brother... these things and so many others Castiel kept as he weaved and mended torn and tattered soul around them.
Castiel, a voice whispered in his mind, you always were the best healer among us.
Suddenly Castiel lifted his hand from Sam and recoiled as if burned. He struck the chair Eros had been using and it toppled to the floor. Dean was next to him in a heartbeat.
"Cas? Are you okay?" Dean asked urgently and Castiel shook his head. That voice... he knew that voice.
"I'm just tired," he admitted which was certainly true.
"Here, let me take you back to bed. You can finish this up when you're feeling better." But again Cas shook his head. Father's grace, he was tired. How much of himself had he given?
"I can't rest yet, Dean. There is something I must discuss with you first." He didn't mean to sound so weary. Dean helped him to his feet and, with a few last words to his sleeping brother, led Cas back to the other house up the road. Cas could not place the voice he heard, but it emanated from Sam's soul. There was a dark spot there, something so small that Castiel almost missed it. It did not look damaged just…hidden. Cas made a note to explore this area further after Sam was given some time to rest.
"We won't be able to stay here much longer," Dean said, suddenly sounding nervous and Cas was brought back from his distraction.
"Dean..."
"People are gonna come looking soon when they can't get ahold of grandpa or Aunt Susie by phone. We need to be long gone before that happens."
"Dean, listen..."
"I can't imagine what they are going to think, coming to town and finding it completely vacant. I sure as hell don't want to stick around to find out." Castiel stopped walking and stood staring at the hunter. At first Dean didn't want to meet the angel's eye, but then reluctantly gave over. Blue to green, and the love in the hunter's soul fueled Castiel's determination to see this through.
"Dean why are you trying to avoid this conversation?" Dean scratched at his head and turned away, breaking the connection.
"Cause I see the look on your face, Cas. I sense…I don't know, I just feel like you are scared. Anything you have to say can't be good." Dean was right. Castiel was terrified. It was an emotion he did not think too highly of. But just because he was afraid to tell Dean didn't mean he could avoid it any longer. If he lost Dean because of this, at least he did it honestly.
Taking Deans hand, the angel led him back to the house and climbed the stairs to the bedroom. The sun was still high in the sky, but Cas longed for the warm plush comfort of the bed against his skin.
"Dean, there was another reason why I drank Eros's potion," Castiel said softly. He could not look at the hunter, feared what he might read on the face of the man he loved, so he busied himself with taking off his coat and jack; shoes and socks. "In the cave...I had used all my Grace. I couldn't protect you anymore. I had nothing to offer you. "
"Cas-"
"Please," Cas interrupted, meeting the hunters gaze for an instant, and Dean said no more. "A... side effect of my time with you in the meadow, Eros noticed a surge of Grace within me far greater than what I had carried before. We realized it was a direct result to the link I had on your soul." Cas shed his pants, leaving his shirt and tie in place, and slid onto the soft blankets of the bed. Oh but it felt so good to lay down. He turned to face Dean, but when the hunter moved to join him, he shook his head. He wanted Dean to not be clouded with intimacy when hearing Cas through.
"When I feel emotion from you... love, desire, longing... these emotions are strong and are channeled through your soul. Only the strongest emotions linger there. The ones with history. Even now I can sense your desire towards me in my state of half undress." Dean's complexion took on a rosy color and he sucked at his teeth with his cheek.
"Shut up, Cas," he muttered looking away.
"Dean, I made a promise that I would always protect you. That I would never hurt you or use you the way so many angels use humans for their own gains. And now, here I am doing the opposite." Suddenly, large tears welled in Castiel's eyes, distorting his vision, and he moved to wipe them away. He didn't expect to start crying. He never knew himself capable of it.
"Cas, I don't understand."
"I told you before how valuable a human soul can be. It's a renewable resource, it never burns out because it's fueled by emotion." Cas's voice hitched and he stopped to swallow. More tears replaced the last and his voice grew thick from the effort to keep his despair under thumb. He could feel Dean moving closer to him but he tried to concentrate. He had to get this out. "The human soul should be protected, at all costs. Your soul should be protected more than any other." Cas covered his face; hid his eyes, desperately trying to force the tears to stop. "And here I am...feeding on you...using your emotions to fan the flame of my Grace. I took Eros's potion so that I could restore my Grace by using your love for me. Dean… I am so ashamed."
Warm arms closed around him and Castiel let Dean pull him into an embrace. He sensed nothing but sympathy and understanding from the hunter which he didn't deserve. There was supposed to be anger. There was supposed to be disgust. The pureness of Dean's heart only made Castiel cry harder and he wept against Dean's chest. He didn't want to touch him, didn't deserve to touch him, but even in that moment of despair his body called out to Dean with a desperate hunger far more primal than anything a soul or Grace could influence.
"So what you're saying," Dean said after Castiel's sobs subsided a bit, "is that you use my emotions like a battery to recharge your angel mojo?" Castiel nodded against Dean's chest. "I don't understand, why did Eros tell me to hide my emotions from you then?"
"I...," Castiel swallowed hard. It had to be done. "I don't know how to stop it once I start. I keep drinking you up over and over and… My Grace has far exceeded any power I had before. If I can't use it, Iwill combust. If I hold on to it too long, my vessel will burn up the way Lucifer's did. I know I shouldn't …but I just can't stop. The way you feel towards me, it's addicting." Dean was silent for a long time and after a while, Cas looked up at him through teary eyes.
"Do you think I'm a monster?" He asked in a small voice.
"Cas," Dean said softly and pulled the angel tighter against his chest. He buried lips into Cas's hair to kiss him affectionately on his head. "You're not a monster. It will be okay, we just got to be careful until you learn to control it. I can't lose you now after everything seems to be coming together for us. I need you too much."
"I need you too, Dean," Castiel said relieved, and wiped the remaining tears from his eyes.
"Cas…since you spent all that time working on Sam, your Grace should be pretty tapped out."
"Completely drained," Cas admitted sadly.
Dean leaned in and kissed him tenderly for a long time, warm body pressed to warm body. His love was gentle and soothing, but still the kiss left Castiel breathless. As well as rejuvenated. They might be able to make this work after all. Smiling slightly, Castiel reached to undo Dean's jeans.