A/N:
For Kiki1607 – tag to Hollow Queen. It has been a while, I know! I had to have emergency surgery but I am fighting fit and extra inspired to continue this. Hopefully not so much of a wait next time! A quick note for this one – the scene in this will be without Gwen, not like the episode. I feel the Merlin would not have been able to talk to Arthur had she been there, so for the purpose of this fic, she is probably out planning something diabolical with Morgana. Or they're braiding each other's hair. Whatever – she's not there.
I don't own Merlin
CHARACTERS: Merlin & Arthur
RATED: T
GENRE: Hurt/Comfort & Angst
Tag to 5 x08 - Arthur asks Merlin who his "girl" is and Merlin mentions Freya subtly
THE ADVENTURES OF MERLIN
Lost Love
'I still can't believe how lucky I was,' Arthur mumbled from the table as Merlin dished his evening meal onto a plate. 'I owe that boy my life, and I don't even know who he is or where he's from.'
Merlin swallowed thickly, but remained silent. Of all the things that Daegal had done – he had redeemed himself in the young Warlock's eyes.
The King continued - unaware of his servant's inner turmoil. 'We need to make sure we give him a decent burial.'
Merlin paused for a moment, before turning to his friend. 'I'll do that,' he said, moving to the King's side and presenting his meal. 'If you'll allow me the time.'
A small smile twitched at the corner of Arthur's lips. 'Oh? So you can go and visit that girl again?' He asked curiously. The young King had always wondered if Merlin had found love yet. Of course he was clumsy and had ridiculously large ears – but he was almost certain that young women found that kind of thing endearing.
At this point, the young servant had turned to retrieve a jug of wine from the large serving platter.
'What?' He asked, genuinely confused.
'The girl,' Arthur repeated, his smile widening as Merlin filled his goblet, careful not to spill.
The young man sighed, his heart clenching at the distant memory of sending Freya to Avalon upon a boat of ferns and fire. 'I don't have one.' He replied tightly, turning his back to the King in attempt to hide the emotion on his face.
'That's not what Guinevere told me.' Arthur responded through a mouthful of chicken.
Merlin swallowed thickly. This whole situation had gone on long enough – the Queen was still under the influence of Morgana's dark spell and it was wearing his patience thin. He had only just survived this time, and even though he had been cured of whatever the witch had given him, the after effects of the poison still lingered.
'So,' said the King, taking a sip from his goblet and setting it down before fixing Merlin with an expectant gaze as he bustled about the chambers, tidying idly and trying to hide the limp that was caused by his leg injury. 'Why don't you tell me all about her?'
The young man remained silent as he continued to clean. At this point his voice would betray the sorrow that tightened his throat.
'And why you're walking with a limp.' Arthur finished flatly as he watched Merlin.
He had been uncharacteristically silent since he returned from his secret rendezvous with this mysterious girl, but Arthur put that down to having to leave her and return to his work. This was, however – unacceptable. Merlin was ignoring him and refusing to answer his question. What was the big deal, anyway? Men talked about these types of things all the time. Gwaine especially never kept his mouth shut when it came to his conquests. He and the rest of the Knights got every sordid detail.
'Merlin...' He began in a warning tone.
'WHAT?' Merlin snapped, slamming the clothes he had gathered into a basket and turning to face the King, who had recoiled in shock from the fierceness of the youth's response. 'What do you want me to say? There was no girl! But of course, I must be lying! I must be sneaking off for secret meetings with a girl that doesn't exist because bloody Guinevere said so!'
Taken aback by the vehemence that filled Merlin's voice as he spat his wife's name, Arthur stood and folded his arms across his chest.
It was more than a little strange, indeed – Merlin and Gwen were always very close, even before any romantic feelings had blossomed between he and the former serving girl. Now his face turned sour at the very mention of her. Still, it was his wife and the Queen, so he fixed Merlin with an angry glare, mildly surprised when the young man returned it with the intensity of a dragon's fire.
'You are aware that you are accusing Gwen of lying, aren't you?' He asked coldly. 'That is treason.'
Merlin narrowed his gaze, but he did not back down.
'Oh let us not forget the rules you have broken – Oh mighty King! Knighting peasants, marrying a servant and seeking out a sorcerer to heal your dying father with magic! Its only bloody treason when someone other than YOU does it, you supercilious prat!'
Throughout Merlin's rant, the young King could feel his blood boil, but as he looked into the boy's eyes and saw the raw emotion shimmering behind those brilliant blue orbs, he felt himself deflate.
'There was no girl, Arthur.' He continued, quietly this time – his voice wavering as he swallowed past the lump in his throat. 'There is no girl...because the woman I love is dead.'
Dead?
Arthur searched his face for any deceptions, but found none.
'H-how...what happened?' The King asked softly, feeling pain in his chest at the thought of losing Gwen. This could be a dangerous conversation to have.
Merlin sighed and slumped limply into a chair, his head bowed.
'My best friend killed her.' He replied with a shrug, unable to keep this one other secret.
Arthur looked shocked as a single tear slid down the sharp planes of Merlin's cheek. 'Will?'
His head snapped up at the mention of his dead friend and was about to berate his master for being insensitive, when it occurred to him that Arthur still had no idea how much he meant to him.
'No...you.'
Now Arthur was befuddled. He could not remember for the life of him, ever killing a young woman out of spite – apart from the druid girl who had been...oh.
'Oh...oh Merlin...but she was a druid and –'
'So?' He spat, rising to his feet. 'So bloody what? She was cursed because she tried to protect herself. Freya didn't want to kill all those people. She was beautiful and kind and...I –' Merlin choked back a sob and wiped the tears from his face hastily before taking a deep breath and continuing. There was no point in stopping now.
'I couldn't leave her there, in that cage. She was alone and afraid – trapped like an animal. I had to protect her...and I failed. I watched her die, Arthur. I held her as she took her last breath and beyond. I watched her burn. I couldn't love another as much as I love her. Every day it hurts because my love for her was treason. It carried the death penalty. So nobody could help shoulder the weight I felt upon my heart. I just had to pretend it didn't happen.'
Unable to stop his tears, Merlin turned to leave – but was stopped by a gentle hand upon his shoulder. He turned and met Arthur's gaze, wet with tears of his own.
Who was he to judge who Merlin had fallen in love with? After all, he loved Guinevere with all his heart and had not been allowed to express his feelings for her.
'I'm so sorry...' Arthur whispered thickly, squeezing his shoulder and pulling the weeping man to his chest. Merlin clutched at the coarse weave of his red tunic and continued to release his emotions.
'That you even consider me a friend is incredible after the trials you have faced. You must hate me.'
The young man looked up at him with wet eyes. 'I could never hate you, Arthur...I never blamed you for what happened. You were protecting your people and the kingdom. I understood that...and so did Freya. You did what you had to do.' He explained gently.
'You lost your heart-mate because of me, Merlin. Was there nobody else? Did you ever find love again?'
Merlin shifted on his feet uncomfortably. 'Sefa...we were getting to know each other. I liked her as more than a friend...'
Arthur sighed and sat upon his bed, indicating for Merlin to do the same.
'So if you weren't out with a girl...where did you disappear to for three days?' He asked incredulously.
'Well...there kind of is a small truth in what Guinevere said. I did meet a girl – although this meeting was not expected, nor particularly desired.'
He stopped for a moment and met the King's expectant gaze. 'I was led into a trap, by the boy who saved your life – although in his defence, he didn't know it was a trap, per se.'
'Merlin...'
'Right, right. Morgana...she, um...she tried to kill me. Hence the limping.'
'WHAT?' The king roared. 'What did she do? Are you alright?'
'I almost wasn't. If it wasn't for Daegal's conscience, you would be training a new servant right now.'
' .she.do?' Arthur asked through clenched teeth, guilt and fear burning in his heart. Now that he knew something was wrong, he could see it. The fine sheen of sweat upon his pale brow and upon further scrutiny, the gash that just was only just hidden by his raven locks.
'Poison...she wanted me out of the way...because she knew I would do anything to protect you.' He replied finally.
Arthur clambered to his feet. 'Come on, Merlin. Let's get you back to your chambers. You look like you could use a rest.' He insisted, but froze when there was no indication that Merlin was going to follow.
'There's something I have to tell you, Arthur...' he began, swallowing nervously. 'You're not going to like it.'
It was after Merlin finally told Arthur of Freya that he decided the King needed to know what had happened to his wife. It would break his heart should he have to harm her just as it had broken Merlin's to watch his lover die before him.
'It's about Guinevere...'
And that, my friends – is where I leave it as it gives us a plausible idea of how Arthur and Merlin end up eavesdropping on the ladies in the beginning of 'With all my Heart.' Please leave a review! They make my day! The next one goes to monkeymail, who has requested an AU of Le Morte d'Arthur. How would Merlin react if Hunith was actually taken as the 'life for a life'? Until next time, Merlin fans! (so much for a subtle Freya mention!)