Chapter 24

Rachel

I look out the window into the yard. Right. The boys are waiting outside the stables, and the wagon is already hitched up. Like every Thursday a long shopping list is stuck in my reticule, every line waiting to be crossed out as provisions are added to my basket and Tompkins' account. It seems that the said list grows bigger and bigger with each passing week. When I first came to work for Teaspoon, we used to buy almost half of what we do now. These boys and our dear marshal wolf down more and more as they grow older, and it's becoming increasingly more expensive to satisfy their big appetites.

Once I've slid into my warm coat, I pick up my basket and reticule. I'm ready to go. As I clomp towards the stables, I spot Kid, Jimmy, and Buck idly talking outside. "Boys, I'm ready to go," I announce when I reach them. The three of them turn to me and silently nod.

Buck walks to the front of the wagon and spryly jumps onto the seat, grabbing the reins. When I'm placing my basket on the bed of the buckboard, Lou comes out, carrying a bale of hay he drops by the door. I smile at him, and Kid, who stands next to me, says, "Hey, Lou, we're going to town! Why don't you take a respite and come with us? We always get to have some free time to roam the streets, and today we don't even have Cody to come bothering us."

Kid's cheerful tone sharply contrasts with Lou's countenance, which looks almost panicky and torturous. I really feel for him, fighting a lost battle within himself, which I'm sure he wouldn't wish for his worst enemy. It's obvious that he's facing up to his unwanted feelings the only way he can. I wish I could help him somehow, but I'm as useful as dirty water. Kid, thankfully, is unaware of his friend's torment, and whereas Lou tries his best to keep away from him, Kid seems adamant to engage him in anything he can think of to re-spark their friendship. I know Kid's afraid Lou might decide to leave Rock Creek and the station, which I'm pretty sure he might have done by now if Kid hadn't talked him into waiting for a few weeks before making a rash decision. I can see how hard this is for Lou, and how much he's suffering, but I agree with Kid on this. I think that running away ain't a solution to his problems.

For a few seconds Lou stares at Kid and finally shakes his head. He doesn't say a word and marches back into the stables. As I toss a look at Kid, I notice his concerned expression while he watches Lou's figure disappear. I'm sorry for him too. I'm certain that Kid's very fond of Lou as a friend, and it's understandable that he feels this confused and even hurt about Lou's cold attitude.

"Excuse me for a minute," I say and resolutely march into the stables. "Lou?" I call as the dim atmosphere inside blinds me for a minute. I receive no answer, but when my eyes get used to the lack of light, I spot him, leaning against a stall door and looking visibly dejected. "Lou?" I call again and walk closer.

He looks up and even though his countenance has relaxed a bit, he still oozes sadness through every pore of his body. "Yes, Rachel?"

I take a few steps closer. "Lou, honey, you can't carry on like this. It ain't healthy. You need to stop hiding."

"What else am I supposed to do, Rachel?" he snaps impatiently.

"You have to find a way to be around Kid without panicking."

"I can't do that!" he hisses. "Don't you remember what we talked about? I wish I could return to the way Kid and I were, but I can't… I just can't."

"I'm sure it ain't easy, but time heals things, Lou. Love often comes and goes, and I'm pretty sure that everybody at some point in their lives has had to nurture a broken heart. Kid and what you feel now will one day become just a memory."

Lou shakes his head. "I really hope you're right. This is the worst thing that could've happened to me."

I don't succeed in persuading Lou to come to town with us. He still thinks that the best thing he can do is to leave Rock Creek forever and return to his farm. I guess everything looks pretty grim from where he stands, but I hope he doesn't take things that far. This is naturally something out of my depth, and I hate to feel so useless and unable to help him. I've never been too judgmental about other people, and as I told Lou, in my life I've known men who enjoyed being with other men and women who liked other women. I was never bothered or shared the opinions of those who labeled those relationships as vicious, perverted, or wicked. I always thought that as long as nobody's hurt, why should I poke my nose in other people's relationships? However, I've never given the matter much thought until now, and if I'm honest with myself, I ain't sure what to think or what advice to give Lou.

Today before heading for Tompkins to make our purchases, I let the boys wander off in Rock Creek while I visit with Teaspoon. We sit on the bench outside his office. The air is cold and crispy, but I find it invigorating to feel its freshness on the skin of my face. After making small talk for almost half an hour, Teaspoon asks me about Lou. It's no wonder he's noticed the boy's battling some issues. By the way Lou carries himself, one'd have to be blind not to notice there's something wrong with him. I brush off Teaspoon's concern because this ain't something I can tell him, but he insists.

"But you know what's botherin' the boy, don't ya?"

I breathe in deeply, and I feel a faint acrid smell in the air, a reminder that not far stubble is being burned and fields prepared for the new season. "Yes, I know."

"Is it serious?"

"Quite," I reply sincerely, "especially for him."

Teaspoon nods and gives me a half smile. "If the boy has decided to place his trust in you, then he's in good hands."

"Oh Teaspoon, I don't know if that's true!" I exclaim mortified. "I can't help him at all."

"And you can't tell me what it is."

I shake my head, confirming his words. "It's too complicated."

Teaspoon doesn't utter another sound, and we relapse into companiable silence. From our stand we watch people walk past and we respond to friendly and not-so-friendly greetings of almost every single passer-by. I'm increasingly aware that the burning smell I noticed before is more notable and closer. My eyes casually travel to the end of the street, and it is then that I see a big column of black smoke rising just behind the building, where the station is. "Oh my God!" I shriek horrified, jumping to my feet, and I realize that Teaspoon has noticed the frightening smoke too.

In that same instant Kid, Jimmy, and Buck come dashing down the street with obvious signs of distress. Some people have also stopped to look at the smoke and point their fingers in that direction, and there's a bit of a hubbub. The five of us dart towards the station, and our fears become a reality as to our horror we see flames lapping the stables.

"What the hell has happened here?" Teaspoon exclaimed, and his rhetorical question naturally remains unanswered as the boys rush past us. Buck and Jimmy bolt for the outside pump and instantly start filling pails of water. Kid, though, runs straight for the stables and in a frantic voice he starts crying out, "Lou! Lou! You hear me? Lou!"

When I breathlessly reach him, it is with utter relief that we see Lou stumble out of the stables and pull one of the horses along. His face is covered in soot, and his clothes are also dirty and the cuffs of his shirt and his pants' lower edge are seared. "Oh Lou, thank God!" he exclaims, resting a hand on Lou's back as if sheltering him from the burning stables.

"What happened?" I ask.

Lou tries to talk, but he's overcome by a bout of coughing. He disengages himself from Kid, and lets go of the reins. The horse then runs loose and joins the other animals I now notice for the first time are loitering restlessly all over the yard. "It's fine. Don't talk," I say, and I place a hand on his elbow, intending to steer him away from the inferno the stables have become.

Lou unclasps my hand, and in a hoarse voice he says, "Lightning's still inside. I need to get to her."

"Lou no!" I cry, but my words do little to stop his intentions, and before I can do anything, he braves it and returns to the blazing building. And to my horror, Kid follows him. I stay there before the threatening stables, unmoving and in a panic. Teaspoon has taken charge like usual, and is directing all the people who've volunteered to help in a line so that the water from the pump can rapidly be transported from hand to hand and douse the fire in no time.

"Teaspoon!" I call desperately. "Lou and Kid are inside!"

I can see this doesn't please him one bit. "Are those boys out of their minds or what?"

The common effort from the boys and our neighbors has little effect to kill the flames that not only threaten the building but the lives of Kid and Lou as well. I stand transfixed, staring at the door and mumbling a prayer. It was the longest, most terrifying moment in my life, and I almost cry and weep when I finally see the two boys emerge with Lightning in tow.

The mare is logically spooked after her encounter with the fire, and I'm sure she can feel the distress around her even though Kid tries to soothe her. When they're out, Lightning trots away and joins the other animals around the yard. "Are you boys all right?" I ask. Kid silently nods, but Lou starts coughing terribly and his breathing sounds ragged and labored. He staggers and falls to his knees, fighting for breath.

"Lou!" I once again call his name desperately and drop onto my knees by his side, stroking his back while he struggles to breathe. I ain't alone; Teaspoon and Kid stand next to me with obvious concern. Lou tries unsuccessfully to control his coughing and even attempts to speak, but that makes him hack more. "Lou, you better not talk now," Kid says.

"Kid, you give a hand to Rachel takin' Lou inside the house, and I'll bring the doctor."

As Kid and I help Lou back to his feet, he shakes his head and manages to utter, "No… no…no doctor. I… I… I… fine."

"Honey, we'll see. Don't worry about that now," I try to soothe him the best I can. Kid slings Lou's right arm over his shoulder and I do the same from the other side, and then we set for the house. Lou's feet trail along the dusty yard as the two of us move him. He doesn't protest, and his body slumps forward as if he had no energy. But even so, he's so light that I can hardly feel his weight.

Getting him up the stairs ain't easy, but somehow Lou manages to cooperate and climb the steps with our help. Yet, when we reach my spare bedroom and lay him down on the bed, I realize he's passed out, probably from exhaustion.

"Do you think he's all right?"

"He just fainted," I reply to Kid while on my knees on the bed I carefully move Lou to make him as comfortable as possible. "But he's breathing better now, thank God."

There's still a ruckus of voices outside as presumably the flames are still causing havoc and the men are trying to put the fire down. "I guess I'll go and help out," Kid mutters but his pose and expression obviously show his reluctance to leave his friend.

I smile and think how glad Lou'd be to know how much Kid cares for him. His fondness, naturally, ain't the kind Lou could hope for, though, but I reckon he'll be pleased to learn how real Kid's friendship is.

"He's fine, Kid," I reassure him. "And the doctor's coming. There's no need to fret."

Kid nods, and when he leaves, I briefly go to the kitchen and heat some water to wash Lou with. When I return with the steaming jug, soap, and some cloths, Lou's still out, but thankfully his breathing doesn't sound as terrible as when Kid and I frog-marched him up here.

I place the pot on the dresser and study Lou's unconscious form. His face is black with soot, so I better wipe all that grime off before the doctor comes over. I dip a rag into the hot water and rub some soap on it. As I come closer to the bed, I can hear a slight rumor in Lou's breathing, but hopefully, that'll go soon. With the sudsy cloth I manage to remove all the soot off his face, and then I dry him with a clean towel.

There's a knock at the door, and when I open it, Teaspoon stands before me. "How's Lou doin'?" he asks, throwing a look over my shoulder to see the boy lying in bed.

"I think he's better, but I guess all the smoke he inhaled and the effort to get the horses out have caught up with him, and he's collapsed. Sleep will do him good. Is the doctor on his way then, Teaspoon?"

He shakes his head. "Mrs. Hannah's havin' her baby at this very moment, so I'm afraid Dr. Johnson won't be able to come here for a while."

"I think what Lou needs right now is to rest."

When Teaspoon goes, I return to the bedroom. A burning stench lingers in the air, and I walk to the window. Prodding against its frame, I look out and am relieved to see the men have won their battle against the flames. The building is still standing, but I can see the harm the fire has caused on its external shell. The façade displays fire-drilled gaps over its surface, the hayloft top door is dangling dangerously on one hinge, and the only wall I can see from here is pockmarked by a black spread. I can't imagine what the inside may look like, but I fear the stables will need a lot of work to repair, or at worst, one new building will have to be built from scratch.

I shift my eyes from the window to the bed. Lou hasn't stirred yet, and I study him from head to foot. His clothes are in a pitiful state; his shirt and trousers are singed after his struggle to get the animals safe and away from the fire. Cinder and soot have also made their way under his clothes, and the skin on his neck is as black as his face was a moment ago. I think I better help him out of those ruined clothes and make him as presentable and comfortable as possible.

After getting some fresh clothes from the pile of ironed laundry I had downstairs, I pull his shoes off, and then I carefully strip off his pants. Removing his shirt ain't an easy task as I have to maneuver him so that I can free him from the garment. Thankfully, Lou is very light, or I'd have needed to call one of the boys to help me. As I suspected, grime has snuck under his clothes and his long johns look nothing like their usual white. As I start undoing the buttons of his top, he grunts, and his eyes fluttered for a bit until they open.

I smile down at him. "How are you feeling, Lou?"

"My throat… it's sore," he says coarsely as he slowly sits up in bed.

"It's natural. You sucked in a lot of smoke." Lou stares at me as if he had no idea what I'm talking about. "Don't you remember? There was a fire at the stables."

Lou nods ruefully. "I didn't notice the fire until it was too late," he explains in a tiny voice. "I was working by the corral. I should've realized what was going on a few feet away. I feel so dumb, and it's all my fault the stables burned to cinder. Teaspoon will certainly fire me now."

"Lou, stop that this moment! It was nobody's fault, you hear me? And remember, you saved all the animals, risking your own life!"

"If I… I had noticed earlier…"

"Lou…" I admonish, and thankfully, he doesn't insist on his own self-flagellation. Who knows what possibly started that fire, but it does Lou no good to hurl self-accusations about something he's obviously blameless for.

"Let me help you out of that dirty, smoke-smelling top," I say, and when I try to roll the garment up his trunk, Lou stops me by folding his arms over his chest protectively.

"It ain't right to get undressed before another person, especially a lady!" he exclaims, and as his eyes look over his own figure, he stares at me in horror when he realizes he's only in his underwear.

"Oh Lou! I'm way past shock after being around these boys of ours for almost a year. You needn't be shy around me, honey. We do need to get you out of those dirty clothes and clean you. I'm here to help, that's all."

Lou's still reluctant, but he finally unhooks his arms. His shyness and prudishness are sweet, and I smile while he eyes me too seriously. He still has a slight cough, and I finally pull the top over his head and drop the garment onto the floor. "Can you wash up or do you need a hand?" I ask as I move the hot water and the soap I used before to clean his face onto the stand next to his bed.

"I can manage. Thanks, Rachel."

As I turn to look at Lou, he picks up the wet rag and starts rubbing his chest. That simple routine which I claimed wouldn't shock me actually does floor me completely. I'm agape and wide-eyed as I unavoidably glance at his front, which I hadn't noticed till now. There's something unmistakably wrong, and as I stare at his nudity, my mind swirls and gets dizzy as I can't make heads or tails about what I'm witnessing. There's no doubt about it. The difference stands out clearly. I know some men develop their chests in unusual ways, but this ain't a man's chest I'm seeing… My eyes travel from Lou's chest and lower to his modest legs, and I double check what should be there, encased in the long johns bottoms, and is absent.

Lou must have noticed my expression. "Is there something wrong, Rachel?"

I try to get a grip of myself and plaster a simile on my lips, and as I lift my eyes, it's as if I was seeing Lou for the first time, and I believe that is true in more than one sense. Lou's a woman. A woman! And now that I watch her, I can see why his… her face always seemed so sweet and pretty to me, why he… why she's even smaller and more petite than many women. Why I didn't see that before… I have no idea. Everybody, including me, assumed she was a man because she wears pants, has short hair, and she claims to be male. Of course we all knew there was something different, something missing, but not one of us figured out what that lost piece could be.

And what about Lou? Does she know who she really is? I'm pretty sure she's as clueless as we all are… or I've been till now. Remembering her distress and torture when she told me she had shameful feelings for Kid just speaks for itself. Of course she has feelings for a man! She's a woman and feeling like such!

"Rachel?" Lou calls my name. Her furrowed brow tells me that I'm making a poor show of concealing my shock.

"It's… it's nothing," I reply clumsily. I want to understand this mess and Lou, and why her feminine condition has been kept hidden from the world. I'm convinced she doesn't know about her own self, but I want to have some proof that she hasn't been playing along all this time. "I… I was thinking how shy and easily embarrassed you are. Most men don't usually show that modesty."

Lou gets into her fresh long johns top, covering her naked chest. "I… I guess that's because of the way I was raised. My father's very strict about that. He used to scold me if I no more than left the door ajar when I was getting changed."

I nod. Yes, her father. He knows Lou's a girl, but for some obscure reason he raised her as a boy and made her believe he was one. The reason why somebody could do that escapes my grasp, but I think it's a total outrage. How could anybody snatch the sacred right anybody should have to know about their own person? How could Lou's pa do that to his own daughter? That's cruel and inhumane. Lou's been suffering tremendously and unnecessarily for the last week just because she started to feel like the woman she is.

"So you've never seen anybody in the nude?" I ask as casually as I can.

Lou blushes. "No, of course not. Wh… why do you ask me that, Rachel?"

I shrug my shoulders. "No reason. I'm just being a nosy busybody, that's all."

Even though I try to joke, I know Lou ain't comfortable with this talk about nudity, especially when she's in her underwear. To be honest, I ain't feeling too much at ease after finding out something even though Lou doesn't have a clue. I need to go and think well about what to do with this disturbing revelation.

"Lou, why don't you finish washing up while I go to the bunkhouse? I think you should rest here for the remainder of the day. I'll bring you some food later."

"But I feel fine!"

"Don't argue with me, young l… " I almost slip and call her young lady, but I'm fast to cover my blunder with a convenient cough. Before Lou can protest any further, I dash out of the bedroom.

My head is in turmoil as I cross the yard towards the bunkhouse. Should I have told Lou? Learning that you ain't who you thought you were will be a terrible blow. Lou's grown up, believing she's a man and should behave and live like one. How can one face up to the fact that all your life is a lie… that you yourself are a fake?

When I slip into the bunkhouse, Teaspoon, Jesse, and the riders are inside. Cody's back from his ride, and Jimmy's trying to light the range to heat the stew I cooked earlier. Any other time I'd have taken over from him, but I'm too shaken and tired after the scare of the fire and the shock over Lou. So I sink down on the bench and exhale hard.

"How's Lou doing?" Kid instantly asks.

"Fine… fine," I reply vaguely.

"Rachel, are you all right?"

I shake my head at Teaspoon's question. "I…" My voice falters, and after heaving a sigh, I add, "If I could, I'd have a drink right now."

The men exchange wary looks. Jimmy comes over and sits next to Kid. "You look as if you'd seen a ghost," he says.

I don't speak up at once as I debate with myself whether I should reveal what I've found out. It doesn't feel right for me and others to know what Lou still has no idea about. Yet, this is something I can't keep just for myself. It's too big, and I need to get it off my chest. "I… I ain't sure if I should say anything, but I… but there's something I need to tell you about Lou."

"What about him?" Cody asks, eager to know what I sound so mysterious about.

I sigh again. "This… this ain't easy."

"Rachel, you're scarin' us," Teaspoon says. "I thought you said the boy's all right."

I bite my lower lip as Teaspoon calls Lou a boy. "That… that's it… Lou… Lou ain't a boy."

"Whatever do you mean?" Buck asks this time.

"He ain't a boy, but a girl. Lou's a woman!" I finally blurt out, still feeling strange to refer to Lou as a 'she'.

At my words Jimmy and Cody burst out laughing and the others sport obvious sceptical looks. "Oh Rachel, that was a good one! You got us there for one moment!" Cody exclaims, guffawing and slapping the table.

"I'm serious, Cody."

My no-nonsense tone puts a stop to their mirth. "I… I don't understand," Kid mutters, and the rest echo his words silently, staring at me in disbelief as they wait for me to elaborate.

"He… she was all dirty after what happened in the stables, so I asked him… her to take off his… her clothes, and when she removed her long johns top… well, you can imagine the rest. She's as much of a woman as I am."

There is an eerie silence in the bunkhouse as the men take in what I've said. I can't blame them for their reluctance to believe my words. "But… do you mean she's been impersonating a man for some reason all this time?" Jimmy asks.

I shake my head. "I know for certain she actually thinks she's a man, and has no idea what I'm telling you now."

"How do you know that?"

I shift my eyes to Kid. "We had a conversation last week, and from what she said, there's no doubt. She has no idea who she is."

"But how can that be, Rachel?" Cody breaks in. "Doesn't she look at herself and realizes her body is different?"

"I don't think she knows how different she is. Remember: her father kept her isolated on their farm all her life. I don't know what he told her or how he explained certain facts to her, but the truth is that Lou was made to believe she's a man, and I guess she had no reason to question the truth she's been fed all these years."

"But why would her father lie to her about this?" Buck asks. "It makes no sense."

"And it's really weird," Jesse remarks with a grimace.

"More often than not we people make no sense," Teaspoon adds his two cents thoughtfully.

"When we went to visit him, he was frantic. He kept shouting that Lou was in danger and demanded he go back home. I thought his reaction was odd and over the top, but now I understand he was worried his secret would get discovered."

"Which is exactly what's happened," Jimmy concludes Kid's thought. "And thankfully, it's been Rachel who found out."

I shudder, thinking what kind of danger Lou might have run into if her truth had been uncovered by the wrong people. Her father definitely left her in a very vulnerable position, snatching the weapons she could use to defend herself. For that reason alone, his actions are inexcusable.

"And what do we do now?" Buck utters the million-dollar question.

"We have to tell her, don't we?"

Kid nods without a trace of doubt at Cody's words. "She needs to know."

"And the key question here is: who tells her?"

Teaspoon is right, and before anybody volunteers an answer, I already know what they're gonna say. All eyes turn to look at me, and I suppose I'm the logical person to undertake this delicate mission. I'm usually good with people, and my being a woman also is a favourable token. Yet, I'm not looking forward to doing this. How on earth am I gonna drop this bomb on Lou? How can I tell her? This will doubtlessly mean a twist in her whole existence. Her life's going to be turned inside out. Nothing she now believes is true, and as soon as the words go out of my mouth, Lou won't be the same, but it has to be done… hopefully, this will mean the road to understanding and acceptance. Lou ain't happy now, and even though this will hurt her, it might also be what she needs. The ball is rolling now, and what is left to do is the actual telling. That's all. It shouldn't be so scare, should it?