25. And I am more broken than ever
I was a souless person. Somehow, it wasn't Troy who was the pain in my heart. It was the way I saw Ashley with Josh. She was so happy. In a way, I was jealous. Not because she was so happy with Josh, not because she was all smiling with Sue and me. It was because of the time they had together. The time Troy and I never got and probably never will have. I was jealous of that. I would give anything to just spend a second with him. I don't need more. But I want more. What I want is him with me. What I want is that everything would just stop moving for second. Just for one second. I needed my life to freeze for a while. Everything was too much at the moment. Everything. Ashley, Sue, Kim, my Mother, Josh... and Troy. I needed some space. Some freedom for myself. I... I needed to let go. To let my life slip away from my hands. But the thing was... I couldn't do this. I couldn't let my life get out of control. Because if I do so, everything will end up in chaos. Everything – not that it wasn't already.
I kept my mouth shut about the night with Josh. I was silent... manly because of the pills I was taking. Yeah, my good old friends... I took them after the funeral of Jesse. And well I still had a couple of those left, I couldn't throw them in the trash. Somehow I knew, I'd need them again. Well, now it was that time again. Talk about having a deja vu. Anyways, back to the Josh situation. As I mentioned earlier, Ashley was happy with him. So happy. And I can't ruin this for her. Not for her. I was avoiding her in these days, because wherever she was; there was also him. And I... I can't face him. Not yet. Maybe never again. He disgusted me. Everytime Ash talked about him all I thought about was that night. That one horrible night. I started to wonder what Ash saw in him... but then again, I once saw him like she does now. Josh's attractive and kind. Somehow. But he's also brutal and careless. And I only see his second face. The first face started to fade away, soon it was gone and what I saw was a pathetic man. Not to mention what Sue thinks of him right now. She practically says what I think – No really, she does. She's the only one I can hold on to right now. She's...she's not Ashley, but I can not contact Ashley. I just can't.