Catherine

She kissed me.

My god, did she kiss me.

She tasted of mint and sweet coffee, smelled of patchouli and hints of smoke. Unsteady wasn't an adequate word for what I was feeling. There were no adequate words.

She left me tongue tied and breathless, hands aching for her skin. I had been moments away from encouraging her take me up against my office door, completely blinded by desire. The thought of her soft fingers slipping beneath the barrier of silk, sliding firmly inside of me elicited a wave of desire so strong my breath caught silently at the back of my throat.

"Are you even listening to me?" Grissom asked tiredly. I glanced back towards him from where I was seated, a leg pulled up close to my chest, staring intently out between a slot in the curtains that I had pushed ever so slightly open.

"Yeah, Gil. I hear you- drop the insubordination and leave the sheriff alone" I mused, lowering my head to peek back through the small gap.

"Do you, Catherine? You know Ecklie wants to suspend you"

I sighed, releasing the blinds and turning to face him, giving him my full attention for the first time since I entered his office.

"Let him suspend me, then. They've shut the door on the case I've been working for six months, and I am exhausted" I stared back at concerned grey eyes, tapping manicured fingers together softly. "And I'm not sorry, so don't even bother asking me to apologize"

He leaned back with a sigh, glancing down at the papers strewn across his desk, waving a hand at me half heartedly.

"Just… be civil, okay? There's enough going on without you getting yourself suspended. I need you here"

I eyed the paperwork that had been piling up for weeks stacked messily beside him; noted the lines worn in beneath tired eyes. I had been so absorbed in my own life, my own case- it had been far too long since I had checked in.

"Okay" I agreed softly, the corners of his mouth twitching into the ghost of a smile. I leaned back in the chair, pushing tussled hair away from my face, eyes drifting back to the small gap in the curtains.

"Who are you avoiding?"

I frowned, glancing back at him in surprise. "No one"

He raised an eyebrow, but ultimately didn't push it, dropping his focus back onto the paperwork in front of him.

That was a loaded question. I couldn't look at Liev- couldn't bare the softness behind his eyes. We deserved so much better than one another.

The thought of Sara and her lust darkened gaze sent such a whirlwind of butterflies through my stomach it was nauseating. I wanted to talk to her, to understand. I wanted so much more of her mouth and her skin and her breathless moans. But it meant something to me and I'm not sure it was anything beyond a weak moment for her- the fragility I felt in her hands was terrifying.

And then there was Sofia. I couldn't bear the thought of those tired, violent eyes.

"I don't suppose I could just hang out in here for a while?"

I could tell immediately that he was gearing up to say something profound, eyeing him wearily.

"Avoiding problems you need to face is avoiding…"

I cut off whatever quote he was reciting with a groan as I stood abruptly, moving towards the door. The peace of avoidance wasn't worth this.

/

As I suspected, Ecklie lacked either the audacity or the desire to suspend me, entirely aware that I was a large part of what kept things flowing smoothly around here. I had agreed to taking three days off in lieu of suspension- I was aware I needed a break.

I managed to hold my composure when I ran into the sheriff, while in no gentle terms telling him exactly what I thought about being left in the dark. He feigned ignorance, which I called bullshit on with as much tact as I could muster through clenched teeth. I couldn't tell whether he was impressed or taken aback by me, not that it mattered much at all.

I made a thorough mental list of everything I needed for Lindsay's party on Saturday, spent twenty minutes in the break room with Wendy discussing the hurricane of DNA evidence that Nick's case was raining down; her upcoming anniversary with Eric that she seemed more hesitant than excited about. I even sorted through the paperwork that would be waiting for me when I got back, and still I couldn't get her off of my mind. I couldn't shake the weight sitting in my chest; the desire to be near her.

I needed to get out of here- as much as we needed to talk, it wasn't the place for fragile confrontations.

Breezing into the locker room, I immediately came to a dead halt at the sight of Sara pulling her bag out of her locker. She glanced over, movement pausing as coffee eyes locked with mine.

I took a breath, nails digging softly into my palms. Her face was unreadable, though I could see the softness in her gaze- the silent plea for something I couldn't quite decipher.

"It is a hot one out there, man"

I startled at the sound of two vaguely familiar swing-shift members entering from outside, breaking the tense moment sharply. I chatted absently with them as they prepared for their shift, my eyes never straying far from Sara who was slowly gathering her things. Even with the weariness that she was clearly shouldering; the slight disarray of her entire being, she was beautiful.

By the time they left she had her bag slung over a slim shoulder, locker shut, pensive eyes once again meeting mine.

I wasn't one to be at a loss for words, but this felt fragile. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing, and tact had never quite been my strong suit. I let the weight in my chest win out over my desire to keep things light, pressing my lips together softly.

"I need to know… did you kiss me because you felt something or was that just a… heated moment?"

I refused to let my gaze falter, calmly regarding her while my heart sat like a rock in my chest. A few moments of deafening silence passed, heart sinking slowly as dark eyes held mine uncertainly. I tried to keep the heavy disappointment from coloring my features as I took a step backwards.

"Cat.."

I shook my head, waves tumbling over my shoulders with the motion as I shot her a forced smile, turning to go.

"It's okay, Sara" I tossed over my shoulder, palms aching as I let the nails I had speared into them drop away, moving out into the hall with more confidence than I felt.

This felt like fracturing. This wasn't at all okay.

/

I slept, phone on silent for the better part of twelve hours. I kept Lindsay home from school on Friday, inviting family over for a giant breakfast that her and I prepared together. She was the one thing that kept my mind from drifting to unwanted places- her wrinkled nose laughter, her clever jokes.

It was drying dishes in the kitchen, watching the kids kick a soccer ball around in the yard, my mother lounging in the warm March sun beneath a hat large enough to cover every inch of her ivory skin, that the gentle pangs of sadness began to settle in.

I did a good job at strategically avoiding loneliness- keeping busy with Lindsay and her many activities, working, holding friends close. I enjoyed any alone time I managed to find, but the closer Liev wanted to be, the heavier the loneliness felt. The closer I felt to Sara, the more I longed for a sort of intimacy.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?"

I sighed as Nancy took the dried bowl from my hands.

"Nothing, I'm just tired"

"Is it Liev?" she asked, refusing to allow my bullshit.

I ran a hand through my hair, abandoning the dishes to lean back against the island, hands taking purchase on my lukewarm mug of coffee.

"Not really. He's an ignorant misogynist, but I knew that going in. He's actually been extremely sweet"

She caught the hint of irritation in my voice, chuckling as she came to lean beside me, arm pressing comfortably against mine as she took a sip of her tea.

"You do realize sweet is a good thing, right?"

I sighed, shaking my head softly. I didn't want to get into the specifics of why the handsome, intelligent, 38 year old Russian man desperate for my attention wasn't what I wanted.

"Work has just been overwhelming, with our case being closed prematurely and Sara and I at odds again…"

"When aren't you and Sara at odds?" she asked through a sip of tea. She had been the sounding board for so much of my frustration over the years, much of it to do with the stubborn brunette. She made for a good neutral party, adoring Sara from the moment they met years ago.

"I don't know" I sighed, anxiously moving back to the dishes.

"That's what's bothering you, isn't it?"

I began drying a plate silently, staring out at the cloudless sky.

"What happened this time?"

"Its just been an intense few months, you know how it gets"

She scoffed in amusement, coming to take the plate from me.

"Yeah, I do. I've seen you frustrated and tired and ready to rip her throat out, but never sad. This is new"

"Can we just drop it, please?" I asked tiredly, drying off the counter.

"Don't tell me she finally made a move"

I hesitated for a split second, body tensing up at her words. I knew she was kidding by her absent minded tone, but she easily picked up on my slight falter.

"…Oh my god. She did, didn't she?"

"Nancy" I warned tiredly, turning around to meet her bright gaze. I was gearing up for defence, but the desire to talk about it won out. "What do you mean by 'finally'?"

She stared at me for a moment, eyes searching mine for a definitive answer to her question.

"You know you're a paid observer, right? How could you possibly not know that she is into you?"

I stared at her with a frown, a smile tugging at her lips as she slipped the tea towel out of my hands, hanging it over the sink.

"Maybe I should be the CSI"

Leave it to Nancy to read between every line and remain unfazed by the idea of me hooking up with a woman for the first time at the callous age of 46. I felt her hand on my arm, drawing me softly out of my thoughts.

"What happened?"

I sighed, grabbing for the comfort of my coffee and leaning back against the sink tiredly. How was I supposed to explain something that I could barely wrap my own mind around.

"She kissed me… there's been this tension building for a while"

"I can imagine. How did you react?"

"… I kissed her back"

She stared at me expectantly, waiting for more. It was rare that I was so tight lipped about anything. I widened my eyes at her with irritation, shrugging my shoulders exaggeratedly.

"We were arguing, and she kissed me. It was intense. It was… unexpected"

"Do you have feelings for her?"

I wasn't sure whether to appreciate or detest her nonchalant attitude towards this. My mind was still reeling and she was picking absently at the left over fruit platter.

"I… don't know. I don't know!" I repeated in frustration, tucking loose hair behind my ear anxiously. "I mean I've been feeling… something towards her. So much… something"

She smirked, biting into a strawberry with a raise of an eyebrow "So the answer is yes, then"

Sighing, I grabbed a grape from the plate, twisting it between my fingers nervously. I hadn't spoken to anyone about this- the only one who had an inkling was Lindsay, who was wise enough not to bring it up directly, but sly enough to drop Sara innocently into our daily conversations.

"She kissed me and I felt more in that moment than I ever have with Liev, or anyone since Eddie. And I loved him, so where exactly does that leave me?"

She laughed softly, "So you're into her, stop acting like this is some catastrophe. Who knows, it could work out"

I scoffed, crossing my arms over my chest. "Yeah, right. She's in love with another woman. She's my coworker- that is just an entire issue on it's own. We argue about most things. I'm questioning my sexuality at 46, which is just…" I let out a loud puff of air in frustration, waving my hand emphatically at nothing in particular.

"Sexuality is a spectrum and sometimes it's more about the person than it is their gender. Just because you've been exclusively into men all your life doesn't mean you can't fall in love with a woman for who she is. You know who you are, don't let this throw you into a tailspin"

I stared at her for a moment before sighing, leaning gently into her, ever grateful for her steady demeanor and effortlessly reassuring words.

"And the rest of it… will work itself out one way or another"

She made it sound so much easier than it was, but she was right- I needed to fucking relax. I nodded softly, offering a grateful smile as she slid a comforting arm around my waist.

"But don't think I didn't catch that this has been going on for months and you failed to mention it to me"

I rolled my eyes, shooting her a look. I could barely admit what was going on to myself, let alone anyone else.

"Is Sara coming to the party tomorrow?"

"Yep" Lindsay answered before I had a chance, moving in through the balcony door. I frowned as she came over to grab a handful of fruit, jumping up to perch on the edge of the island casually.

"How do you know?"

"I asked her, she told me" she stated obviously, tossing a grape into her mouth. My frown deepened, opening my mouth to speak before letting it fall shut. When did they become so close?

"I didn't know you guys talked"

"Yeah, she's been helping me with my algebra" she explained.

Of course she has.

Nancy threw a look over at me, a smile tugging at her lips. "How nice of her"

I sighed, forcing thoughts of the brunette and the warm flood of emotion mixing with the looming dread in my chest away, changing the subject to tomorrows party.

/

It wasn't until I had peeled myself off the couch, sending a half asleep Lindsay off to bed and dropping tiredly onto my mattress that I finally mustered the courage to check my phone.

There were three texts from Liev, checking in. Despite his good intentions, I felt the fluttering's of irritation at his refusal to give me the space I needed. I ignored the notification of a missed call from Sara, sending off a few messages and checking my overflowing e-mail before finally addressing the voicemail that already had my stomach in knots. I held my breath until Sara's warm voice played soothingly through the earpiece.

"Hey… it's me"

I smiled softly, leaning back against my headboard.

"I felt like we should talk… I don't like how we left things the other day"

I let out a quiet exhalation, nerves building. I didn't want to hear that she was sorry, or that it was a mistake. But more than that, I needed to know what she was feeling.

"I'm sorry, if what happened was over the line…"

She was silent for another moment, nothing but the sound of quiet shuffling.

"It meant something, Catherine. I'm not exactly sure what, this month has been total chaos and I can't seem to get a grip on any of it. But you asked me if it meant something and I just need you to know that it did"

I felt the weight on my chest instantly lighten, tension dissipating softly at her confession.

"And it's okay, if you don't feel the same" She added quickly, a smile drifting onto my face at her sweetness "I know this is complicated timing, on top of a complicated situation. I just... I don't want to lose you over a mistake. Not that it was a mistake" she added hastily, my brow furrowing in a mix of concern and amusement. "Not that I think it was a mistake… I am rambling"

God help my heart.

"Anyway, I told Linds I'd be there tomorrow… I hope that's okay. If I can pick anything up, please let me know. I'll um, see you then. Goodnight Cat"

I flipped my phone shut, dropping it beside me as I sank down into bed with a quiet sigh of relief. I wasn't sure what this meant for us, if anything. I wasn't sure what problems would inevitably arise, or what an actual conversation would unearth, but she didn't regret it. That much I knew, and for the moment it was enough to calm my overanxious mind.