Thank you to everyone who's read and reviewed this story! I didn't think I'd actually see this one through but it seems to be staying afloat for now so 'yay!'. The song in this chapter is 'Miss You' and avid NMTB fans will know that somewhere on YouTube is the episode when Noel Fielding has to do this song for the Intros round and does the most adorable Jagger dance known to man. Go find it. After you've read this, obviously. Ta.
"I've been holding out so long,
I've been sleeping all alone,
oh, I miss you.
I've been hanging on the phone,
I've been sleeping all alone,
I want to kiss you.
Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh.
Oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh.
Oooh, oooh, oooh."
"Can you shut up, you batty crease! I've got a right blinder."
Bob Fossil shut his mouth with a snap and looked down suspiciously at the tiny man dressed in blue silk walking beside him.
"Since when can you talk? I thought you was a mute?"
Naboo rolled his eyes. This whole mission was more trouble than it was worth in his opinion but he'd got a right dressing down off Saboo and Dennis and the rest of the council when he'd reported in last night. Apparently the job wasn't done until the happy ending was in the bag, so here he was, trudging through a city full of watercolour chateaus, trying to remember which one was Vince's so he could get things tied up neat enough to satisfy his anal colleagues.
"I'm not a mute, I just haven't been able to get a word in with all your caterwauling. Now can we just get on with this, please? Some of us 'ave got places to be."
"Cool your turban!" Fossil yelled loud enough to make Naboo's brain rattle in his skull. The man seemed to have no concept of volume control. "I have to follow due process in this you know. See these pieces of paper? The king gave me a list and a map, like a proper mission and I'm not going to let my Bainy baby down. So you just shut your talky talky hole and keep the shiny boot safe."
Naboo groaned. They'd been at it for hours, even though he'd tried to remind Fossil that they were looking for a young man and that they knew his name and vaguely what he looked like, the idiot insisted on trying the damned boot on everyone. Naboo was beginning to wish he'd never made the thing, or promised Vince he could keep them when the rest of the magic wore off. Of course the berk had gone and lost one. And of course he'd managed to make the prince fall in love with him. It was all a huge, pathetic, romantic mess.
He trudged along, holding the boot gingerly. A thousand tiny mirrors might have been Vince's idea of genius but some of those edges were sharp, not to mention the bits of gravel still stuck to the sole where the thing had been chipped out of the tar that morning.
"Well, I've been haunted in my sleep,
you've been staring in my dreams,
oh, I miss you.
I've been waiting in the hall,
been waiting on your call,
when the phone rings
it's just some friends of mine that say-"
"Would you shut up and read your bloody list!"
It was hard to sound intimidating when you had a soft, south Xooberonian lisp, but Naboo was so fed up he just about managed it, and it was satisfying to see Fossil jump in fright and stop strutting down the street like a possessed baboon.
"Do you even know how to read? You were just about to walk past that house like it's not even there."
Naboo gestured to the run-down chateau on the corner. Even though the windows were clean and the front step swept clear, it still had an air of neglect about it, like it had long ago been abandoned, even if people still lived inside it. It looked creepy but familiar too and Naboo wished, not for the first time, that he had a familiar - an enchanted animal who could tell him exactly what it was about the place that made his toes curl just to look at it. All he could say was that he had a bad feeling about the place but was sure a familiar would be able to tell him something more helpful. Perhaps when all of this shoe rubbish was over he'd look into it. Maybe get a bat, something small and easy to travel with.
He shook himself free from his musings when he realised that Fossil was climbing the front steps, his arse half hanging out of his trousers and his royal proclamation at the ready. He'd read it out at every house, despite the fact that every person in the kingdom had read it for themselves that morning, but it was worth it in Naboo's opinion, because Fossil read the damned thing out in a different voice every time. Fossil might annoying as hell but he was also some sort of renius. He could go from his own voice to rubbish cockney to mountain trapper to passable Spanish to snooty businessman in seconds, as long as it was loud he could do it and it was one of the only real reasons Naboo had stuck around this long.
Bobby Bob rapped on the door and made a small attempt to rearrange his clothing so that it hid most of his hairy belly and hairier backside but gave up as soon as the door swung open with an ominous creak.
"Gentlemen! Do step inside, come right this way," a gravely voice spoke from the shadows. "We've been expecting you geezers," the owner of the voice said, stepping closer so that they could see his dim outline in the gloom.
The door slammed shut behind them and Fossil yelped. Naboo didn't flinch, his years of training (and smoking) had taught him how to remain still and seemingly unimpressed no matter how much he was panicking, but right now he was panicking quite a lot.
"If you'll just step through to the parlour, I think you'll find the owner of that pretty, girly boot you've got there," the figure gestured and Naboo had no choice but to follow Fossil into the marginally brighter parlour.
The mysterious gentleman followed and Naboo took note of his green skin and unnatural eyes. They were dealing with a voodoo witch, that was obvious, but what was less obvious - to everyone except Naboo - was the very familiar mouse watching him from the rafters. He never forgot a face, well an animal's face at any rate, and he recognised that mouse. They were definitely in the right place. What sort of mess was that Vincent kid getting him into now?
Fossil cleared his throat nervously and unrolled the proclamation as two other figures emerged from the shadows. This, Naboo thought, was probably crunch time.