Chapter 25
Trust
After Christmas, Steve arranged for Zara to make a short video to send to Commander Adama so she could let him know she was doing fine and no harm had come to her. This way they could always edit out anything.
She was fidgety, but honest, and told Adama about how she was doing, all about Christmas, and that she'd made breakfast for everyone. She was proud to show off her skills, and happy that she was able to make the team pleased.
She said there was a new team member and that he was her new friend. She absolutely glowed when she spoke about him.
They wrapped up the video, and after reviews, T'Challa deemed it fine to send. A few days later, Adama sent a reply and caught her up to date. He told her he was leaving the country for a while with the king on a matter, and he would let her know when he returned.
Steve managed to incorporate Bucky's presence into Zara's life. He was supervising her out loud reading, and helping her with unfamiliar words. It was something they both found comfortable. Steve had a suspicion Zara enjoyed Bucky's company more than she did learning. It was also evident in the lounge. She sat next to him on the sofa while they watched movies. She began to lean on him as the evenings progressed, and even dozed off once or twice. Bucky didn't complain, but Steve noticed his doubts.
The next couple of days Zara found herself having to stop in the hallways to catch her breath. If anyone walked by, she knelt down and retied her shoelaces. She never let on anything was wrong and she ignored the feeling. She just lied to herself that it was because she was tired.
By Sunday, she had a tickle cough in her throat that lasted all day. She went to bed and the cough got worse and worse.
She woke up coughing and choking at 3 AM. She could barely breathe. It felt someone was sitting on her chest and she could barely get any wind.
Panicking, she put on her robe and beat on Bucky's door until he opened it. He was in pajama bottoms and a sleeveless undershirt. His hair was rumpled and feet bare.
"Help me, please!" She croaked out. "I can't breathe! Sickbay…" Her breath was ragged. She grabbed onto Bucky like her life depended on it. He scooped her up in his arms and went to Steve's door. He kicked it a few times and yelled Steve's name. Bucky was halfway down the hall when Steve opened the door. "Sickbay, now!" Bucky yelled and kept going.
Steve bolted down the hall after them and they got to sickbay together.
Bucky kept her in his arms until they showed him where to go. She started freaking out when she saw the table, and pleaded to stay in Bucky's arms. In the end, she sat on his lap and he sat down on the chair.
The doctor asked her some questions, and ordered some tests. She wouldn't let Bucky go, and cried all over his shoulder. "I'm scared, I'm scared." She kept repeating.
They got her into x-ray and the technician discovered pneumonia in her right lung. She was prescribed some antibiotics, and something to help calm her.
They asked her if she wanted to stay in the infirmary, and she shook her head no. She wanted to go back to her room.
"It would be better if you stayed here. We will have staff to watch over you."
She considered this for the briefest moment and begged Bucky to take her back. "Don't leave me here. Please. Adama left me, he left me!"
"If we take her back to her room, and take shifts to watch her, will that be okay?" Steve asked.
The doctor nodded. "The moment anything changes, she must return immediately. This is nothing to fool with."
Bucky knew that first hand. From the moment he heard her cough, he knew what it was. He had pneumonia while he was in the HYDRA factory, and that led him to be turned over to Dr. Zola and…. Bucky shivered from the flashback.
Zara's kiss pressed to his temple brought him back. "Don't leave me, don't leave me." She pleaded.
That lump in Bucky's throat mysteriously reappeared and he fought it down. "I will never leave you, I promise."
He carried her back to her room, and set her in bed. "I'll take the first watch."
Steve nodded and looked at the clock. "I'll see you at 8."
Bucky got her propped up with pillows because she coughed violently every time she put her head down, and after a fitful time, she nodded off. Her fingers were still clasped around Bucky's hand.
When Steve poked his head in at 8AM, he brought Sam with him. Sam stayed by the door.
"How is she?" Steve asked.
"It's bad. She coughed a lot and didn't sleep too well."
"Go get some sleep. I brought Sam to run errands."
Bucky nodded and toddled off to catch a nap while he could.
When Zara woke up, she bolted for the bathroom. Steve heard a horrendous cough from his side of the door. She emerged red-faced and weak.
"Breakfast?" He asked.
She shook her head no and touched her fingertips to her throat. Steve pressed his fingers to the same spots. Her neck seemed swollen and he doubted she could swallow much.
"Chamomile tea and hot watery oatmeal." Steve ordered from Sam.
"You got it." Sam ducked out to go get Zara some food.
Steve instructed Zara not to speak and she had no complaints with that. She asked about Bucky, and Steve told her he was sleeping. A tear slipped down. She signed about how it was all her fault.
"You can't hold yourself responsible for being sick. It happens."
"I'll feel terrible if I make you and Bucky sick." She signed.
"Bucky and I can't get sick." Steve said and started to give her the simplest explanation of how that couldn't happen.
She thought about this new concept, but in the end, she just accepted the explanation.
Sam arrived with the tea and oatmeal. She gulped down the tea and burned her tongue, but her throat felt better. More tea went down, and she felt good enough to attempt the oatmeal.
She ate half and left the rest. She leaned back and coughed. She scrambled off the bed and ran for the bathroom. She just got back on the bed, and the coughing started again; another run for the bathroom.
"Good luck." Sam said and took away the dishes.
The rest of the day went about as well. She tried to refuse the drinks, but Steve implored her to try. She complained about always having to run to the toilet. She was afraid she wouldn't make it. She asked Steve for potato chips for her scratchy throat.
The overnight shift went worse. She was afraid to close her eyes. She held Bucky's hand again, but she couldn't get comfortable. The only thing that comforted her was leaning up against his body and dozing off on his shoulder. It made the shift change near impossible. She woke up and the coughing and fear took over again. Bucky left to get some sleep while Steve held her.
She spent the days and nights in a daze from lack of sleep. The doctors upped the dosage when they saw the infection getting worse. They also addressed her concerns about having an accident. (She'd whispered in the nurse's ear and told them she was having trouble holding her water against the coughing.)
Two nights later, she felt better, and was able to sleep for longer periods, and Bucky was finally able to doze off. When she slept, he slept. By now, he was practically laying on the bed with her, much to Steve's concern. Zara was not distressed in the least, considering what abuse she'd been through.
More concerning was that she wasn't eating anything beyond, oatmeal, and chicken noodle soup. Drinks were just as difficult. Anything cold to drink caused her to start coughing and she'd bolt for the bathroom.
She couldn't concentrate on schoolwork and she still napped at all hours. Bucky carried her to the infirmary for a follow-up x-ray, and the film showed something disturbing; there was an unidentifiable mass in her neck that was large enough to be seen pushing her windpipe to one side. They showed the images to Steve and Bucky.
Steve traced his finger along the one side. "It looks like it's cutting off her airway a bit."
"Indeed it is." The doctor confirmed.
"What is it?"
"We need a CT scan to get a better picture. Do you think you can get her to lie still long enough for one?"
"How much do we tell her?" Steve asked. "This isn't my decision, it's Adama's. He's her legal guardian."
"He must be contacted."
"He's out of the country. I don't know for how long."
"Then it falls to you. You must decide. We cannot wait."
Steve didn't want to scare Zara, but he didn't want to lie to her. He told the doctor to explain it to her in the simplest terms. Steve held one of her hands and Bucky the other while the doctor explained. She was scared as expected, but reacted better than Steve had feared.
"Obviously, we cannot make you consent, but the final decision is yours." The doctor explained.
Zara wanted to see the machine and wanted to know what she had to do. It was open enough for her not to feel claustrophobic and all she had to do was lie there and be still for a very brief amount of time.
"Will you be close by?" She asked Bucky.
"I'm going to stand right next to the technician."
"Ok, I trust you. I'll do it."
The doctors did the CT scan, and Zara was amazingly calm. If they only knew how she felt inside; that was a different story.
That night was the first night she came to the lounge in almost two weeks. They had a new movie to show called Inside Out. It was a children's movie, but they thought Zara might like it. Little characters represented the emotions of a little girl; joy, sadness, anger, disgust, and fear. Zara watched it and saw herself in the little girl. It really made an impact on her.
Steve watched her. Zara was snuggled up to Bucky. He had his metal arm around her and his head was resting on hers. Her body language was relaxed and at peace. She looked 'safe' at last.
He wondered what would happen once Bucky started therapy, and he began dredging up all the bad memories of the Winter Soldier. How would Zara feel then? Bucky's treatment had been postponed, due to Zara's illness. Her future was now clouded with this new development.
He and Bucky had been talking, and Bucky had expressed his concerns about the trust she had in him. He'd told her that he wasn't deserving of her trust; that he couldn't trust himself. Steve knew how he felt, but had no answers for him.