A/N: So I just want to say, there's reviewing and then there's just being personal and downright crewel and rude, and I have to say that I got a lot of the latter for the last chapter. Need I remind you that I don't have to post this story for any of you, I do so because I want to…you're not being forced to read it and the fact that most people have read the reviews and then gone no not even going to bother, that's your choice but the fact that I keep getting comments going no longer gonna read this story you've gone so far outside the box it's ridiculous blah, blah, blah…it's not outside my box…it's just that it doesn't always fit into everyone else's, if you don't like it you can write your own and have your conventional Ana and Christian relationship…I wanted different, I didn't want it to be like every other story and if you don't like it you can just not read it. There'll be a longer one at the end of this chapter but I just want to say that if you don't like my story you can exit the window right now because I'm not going to be putting up with any more personal attacks on my storylines or how I write…
Here's the next chapter for whoever wants to read it...
~oooOooo~
"Nastasia, I don't want you running around causing any trouble, we're guests here and you will talk to Gail and Jason and Christian, the same way you talk to Dad and I as well as Aunt Ana. If you don't listen you will go in time out, do you understand me?" I love my daughter don't get me wrong but I think my mother was right when she said that when I had a kid of my own I'd find out what she had to deal with, although most of the bad stuff I blame on Jace because seeing the faces that he pulls are funny.
"Yes Momma…" she cuddles into Jace as we walk into the spare room at Escala and get her bed set up in the corner near the walk in closet, I have to say my eyes nearly popped out of my head when I saw how huge this place was, two stories, huge open floor plan and a killer view, I knew that he was rich but I never thought he'd have taste like this.
We arrived a few minutes ago and Nastasia is nearly ready to crash, Jason saw us in and then we had a quick chat to Gail about what Ana said and I may have smirked a little. I have a fairly good idea what they would be getting up too, at least I hope that's what they're doing, she's been through enough shit to not get rid of her virginity, hell if I had a penis I would have done it myself but then I wouldn't be nearly as attractive to her as I am now. We have a very different friendship than most people.
In all aspects of my life I see her as my wife, if she's hurt I will find the person who did it and kill them, I will be there for everything, when Georgetown happened I was livid, it's only the fact that Jace was with me and knew what to do that I didn't go and confront him myself, I held her as she found out his plea, I was there after Frankie left and she was still having nightmares…it killed me but I would do it all over again if it would get her to the place she's always wanted to be.
I've never seen anyone who loves someone as much as she has loved Christian, even when she didn't see it I could. I realised through high school that I was Bi and I was attracted to Ana but I was attracted to Jace more, we've had good three or four hour conversations on sexuality, we've struggled just like anyone else but at the same time we know who we are and she was the one that told me to be honest with Jace and she was right…honesty works better up front. Of course being with Jace is the best thing that has ever happened to me, he's given me my daughter and hopefully in the not too distant future we'll have a son.
Jace sets up her port-a-cot while I go through her bag and get her into her PJ's and hopefully it will be a restful sleep for her, although new places can cause problems with her sleep pattern. I read her Goodnight Moon while she has her milk and once she's finished we place her in the cot and walk out pulling the door closed behind us.
"Don't think I didn't notice the look you gave Gail when she said she wasn't sure when Christian and Ana would be back, you need to let them figure this out on their own. I love you Lou but sometimes I wonder what's going through that pretty head of yours…just because I'm cool with Ana and you, it doesn't mean that Christian will be. When they get here you let her come and talk to you before you say anything because if you ruin this before it's started I'm not sure she'd forgive you…" Ah yes of course he is the reasonable one in our relationship just like Ana is the reasonable one in our friendship. I tend to be the impromptu one that wants to do crazy stuff and while they've agreed some times they've also been the voices of reason in others.
I'm guessing some of you are confused by what we're talking about. The marriage that Jace and I have is one of open and honest communication as well as trust and understanding, while most marriages are like that ours is a little different, we like to tease each other, we like the idea of getting caught having sex and all this other stuff. We both know that our marriage is unconventional, at least to most, not to everyone, that's because ours can and at some point will involve a title and that title is Polyamory. Some of you may know what it is and some of you won't but I will do my best to explain and then tell you how Ana comes into it. I'm sure she's made comments about me and I don't know what they are but you all know who I am, at least in part.
At this point in our marriage it's only been the two of us, but both Jace and I have been trying to get Ana to see what it would be like to join us, it's not just about sex to us. We're fine on that front with just the two of us but the idea of more is also appealing, we tell dirty stories involving Ana and sometimes maybe another guy if I've seen one that I like but that's few and far between at the moment. A Polyamoryrelationship, well the way we see it anyway, is a married couple agreeing to let other people join in but it's more about love, and not just sex, so it's not swinging. We want it for a more in-depth reason, we both have a lot of love to give and we want to share it, but in a way that is honest and won't change how we see or feel about each other.
Jace and I both love Ana and whether or not we sleep with her that's not going to change, nor do we want it too, but the idea of having Ana and showing her how we show true love, that's appealing to both of us on a deeper level. When this whole Georgetown thing happened, I finally learnt how Jace truly felt about her and I didn't find myself getting jealous about it, it got me thinking about why that might be so I did some research and found out that I might just be wired differently than most.
Now I'm not having a go at anyone or pointing fingers but I know that most people won't agree with my choices and that's fine because it's not about them, this is about me and my husband and our happiness.
The thing about Polyamory is that it's not about cheating or swinging, it's about going deeper into more than one relationship, like with everything I do with Jace, I want to do that with someone else, but that person would have to be someone we agree on, someone we won't be jealous of and someone that we could be truly ourselves with, Ana is that person, we both know that, we're both open to that, we also have to be open to the fact that she might want Christian to join us as well and we have to wait and see how Jace handles that, but more importantly we have to see how Christian will react to all of this. They haven't seen each other before for one, and I haven't seen him in a little while for two, but we also have to take into account Nastasia, she is still young so she won't understand but as she gets older she'll figure out that a normal marriage is two people not three or four, but for me normal seems so over rated, that's not a dig at anyone's marriage it's just my opinion.
While this seems like it's complicated, this isn't about love for me, it isn't about sexual relations, it's about being there and supporting people and making them happy and doing anything to keep it that way, that's what I live for and that's what I want and I want to do that for my best friend. The sex for me is the cherry on top and if it's the same for Jace than great and if it's not well than I have to deal with that but I will still love Jace and I will still love Ana…and I will more than likely love Christian also….
"I'm well aware of the situation Jace, I won't push and I won't even mention it to her. We've talked with her about how we feel about her and what we want to happen but we both know she's not in the right head space let alone the physical space for this. She needs time and a lot of it, and for that matter Christian probably will to. Just like I was honest with you before we got married about my sexual orientation, I imagine that Ana will be just as honest with him, granted she probably hasn't told him about what we've talked about but if he asks about us I will answer any questions as best I can. I don't want to mess up what they have and the fact that they've only just started lets me know that this is a good two or three years away if not more…you and I together, I'm beyond happy with that…if Ana wants to join in, awesome, if not I won't feel any pain or any less love from her…" I wrap my arms around his waist and lean up to kiss him.
"Besides, if Ana does want to do this, I'll have to share you and while I don't mind, I quite like having you to myself…" I kiss his lips and he lifts me up and I wrap my legs around his waist.
"You think I don't like having you all to myself, please if anything I want you all to myself but I also understand the desire that you're feeling, because I feel it too…" vague I know but he is totally on board with this. I think it's just the thought of maybe seeing another guy naked that has him a little rattled, but I'm fairly sure there's a small little piece inside him somewhere that wants to come to the surface, if the stories that he comes up with sometimes is anything to go by.
He carries me from the guest room out to the family room and we sit on the sofa, he runs his hand down my neck before cupping his hand against my cheek.
"I love you, I love Ana and I will be the man you want me to be, but I won't push her and I won't put Christian in an uncomfortable position. I want to be able to have a clear head in all of this and if I have to be walking on eggshells with either of them it's not going to work. I'm sure in time I'll come to love Christian, especially if he's anything like you've been telling me, we talked about the rules and they are there for a reason. We need them to make sure we're all clear on where we stand and right now I'm not ready to open our marriage to them…it's not because I don't want to it's because I want to see them as a couple first, see how they balance each other out, how we'll all balance each other out…" my sweet man, I think that's the lawyer in him talking but I also know that if the fact that we have a Polyamory marriage went public that his position in the law firm could be on the line or he could lose clients and I want him to be ready to handle the fall out, if there happens to be one, but I also know the situation will be the same for Christian, it's not something any of us can just jump straight into and hope for the best, the consequences could be catastrophic and it's what we have to be prepared for.
I move onto his lap and straddle his thighs looking into his eyes. "Let's not talk about this anymore, there are more pressing issues at the moment and I for one have a way to occupy your time until you can talk to Ana about the trial…" I see his lips curve into a smile and his hand slides down my neck and over my breasts before resting on my hips as he pulls me closer to him and kisses me deeply.
Running my hands through his hair has always been and still is my favourite thing to do, it feels amazing between my fingers and the way he groans when I pull it sends tingles all through me. I feel his hands on my ass and I grind against him, of course it's not entirely comfortable being that I'm in a dress and he's wearing jeans and a belt so the friction is a little rougher than I like but of course teasing him is all part of the fun.
"You know I think we might be pushing our welcome if we wind up having sex on Christian's sofa…" True but that doesn't mean the thought of being caught is any less thrilling, I may or may not have an exhibitionist streak in me, of course if I do, I really couldn't care less.
"So you're saying you don't want to have sex with me…" I murmur against his ear before kissing down his neck and then along his collarbone. He groans and he moves me so that I'm lying on the sofa and he leans down over me kissing me passionately.
"Now those words never left my mouth, I have never said that I don't want to have sex with you so why would I start now?" He nips my bottom lip with his teeth and I moan pulling him tighter against me.
"Then get your dick out and impale me with it before I decide to just do myself…" I smirk watching him as his pupils dilate and he strips off his clothes quickly ripping my panties off me and then slams into me in what feels like seconds and I arch up to him and we lose ourselves in each other…
~oooOooo~
Sitting here with Ana in the Seattle Space Needle makes me realise how much I have missed out on. I could have been doing things like this for years but because I got so caught up in my body and a certain appendage, I missed out on all the teenage romance stuff, but being here with Ana, having taken her virginity and having her tell me that she more than likely bats for both teams I realise that it doesn't bother me like I thought it would. I mean Roz swings for the other team and I'd be lost without her but that doesn't make me think she can't do her job and I certainly don't think that she's doing anything wrong. I mean from where I stand the only thing I don't quite get is why Ana seemed so nervous about telling me, I thought that we could always open with each other but I'm sure I've knocked her confidence a bit and I need to find a way to make that up to her.
Ana's putting the plates back on the trolley after getting dressed again. I have to say I was a little disappointed when she started to cover up again, she has an amazing body that is highlighted by the tattoos that she has and I know that I'm curious to find out what they mean to her and why she got them but I think tonight's been a big enough day for her that we don't need to get into that just now.
"So it's only Nine o'clock was there something else you wanted to do or could I take you somewhere?" I ask gently as I get my jeans zipped and then buttoned and pull my shirt over my shoulders and start to button it up.
"Well I hadn't really thought much more than this…was a bit more nervous than I thought I'd be so I hadn't really gotten past finally letting you close enough to do that" Okay, so not how I thought she'd answer, really would have been happy with a yes or no answer but I'll take it.
"Would you be deeply wounded if I told you I wanted to go to The Mile High Club and dance with you for a little bit, maybe give you a drink to break down some more of your defences?" I smirk watching her, honestly we could just go home and we could dance there but with her friends there, I just want it to be us for a little bit longer.
She smiles at me rolling her eyes and she steps over to me grabbing her sweater and taking my hand pulling me towards the door, I grab my jacket before leaving the room and we thank the lady that showed us in and leave in the elevator.
At the car she hands over the keys leaning against the passenger's door and looks me in the eye. "You damage my baby in any way and I expect to see a row of these in your parking garage as repayment for how you treated her…" I laugh and open the door climbing in.
"I wouldn't dream of doing anything to damage your baby, or you for that matter…" She looks at me with one of her eyebrows raised and shakes her head taking my hand as I pull out of the parking space.
"I never said you would…just teasing you…sorry…" she seems a little chastised and for that I feel like crap but I guess with everything we've both been through sometimes the sarcasm can get interpreted wrong.
"I was joking…" I squeeze her hand and lift it to my lips kissing her fingers; I look at her and then back at the road as we head towards my building.
"About before…after that… I wasn't trying to down play how much doing it meant to me, I just wanted to be fully honest with you and the thought of hurting you, it sucks but if you weren't willing to accept me for who I am…that would hurt me more than you could ever imagine, it's not that I'm going to go out and hook up with a girl or not want to have sex with you it's just that my processing of sexual orientation is different to how most probably view their sexuality. I know that I'm straight, but I'm not entirely sure that I'm not fully bi-sexual either, sure some girls seem hot to me but that doesn't mean that I want to go and sleep with them, but that doesn't mean the thoughts about it aren't totally steamy…" she's nervous, she's rambling, I think she's trying to make me feel better about the joke but I also think she's trying to figure out something in her head.
I squeeze her hand and rub my thumb over the back of her hand "Ana you could tell me you're in love with an alien as well as me and I would be okay with it, trust me I understand how sexual orientation works. You want to make out and rub up against Louise that's fine with me, hell girl on girl is fine for nearly any man, it doesn't bother me and you're right, being open and honest with each other is a good place to start and that's why we're here…" If we hadn't been as honest as we were that night we had dinner at the club I doubt we would be even be here.
I doubt she would have said more than two sentences to me if we were in the same room for any extended length of time. As it was for so long I was getting updates through Mia and Frankie about how she was doing but the stuff with Georgetown never came up and to be honest if it had I probably wouldn't be as calm about it as I am now, if anything I may have got myself locked up for doing something I really shouldn't have done.
I know that's not what you probably expected to hear from someone like me, but let's be honest we can all sit there and say we're either straight or we're gay or whatever but it's not always that black and white, some people figure it out while they're young, some hide what they really feel…but people like Ana, they are still trying to figure out their box…I always thought I was straight and that's where it ended and then she happened and I learnt there was a lot more to sex than just who you did it with, not saying that I'm gay or bi but I know that I can't judge her for how she feels, with my history it would be a bit hypocritical considering she didn't judge me for what happened with her, Ana is who she is and I'm not going to try and make her choices for her.
"Where is 'here' exactly Christian? I mean I know what it is for me, but I want to know where it is for you…" she squeezes my hand and I turn into the underground parking at The Mile High Club, I park the car and turn it off before turning to look at her.
"This…us hanging out together, being intimate…being a couple, this is where here is, where we should have been years ago. Here is where I try and make up for hurting you the way I did and where we help each other through everything from here on out. I want us to work more than I've wanted anything in a long time, saying I loved you that first time, was the first time I honestly felt like I was getting back to the person I was before everything went sideways…tonight, what you did for me, the romantic date and then giving me your virginity, that's everything that I love about you all rolled into the space of four hours. No one has ever done something like that for me and the fact that after everything, you still chose to love me enough to give me the one gift you can't get back means more than any business deal I could ever get…" I take a minute to get my thoughts back to where they need to be and kiss her hand before looking back at her
"From here on out, everything that I do will be with you and for us…no matter what the concept maybe…I don't want to go back to being alone and only the shell of Christian Grey, you have always been the light for me and I want it to keep getting brighter…that's where I am, what us being here means for me…it's the start of what I hope will be our future together…" okay so I may have just got verbal diarrhoea but the look on her face tells me that she wants at least some of what I've just said, if the smile and tears-which I hope are happy ones-are anything to go by.
"I want that…all of it Christian, but it's not going to be easy, the first thing we have to do is talk to your family about her and then we have to deal with all this crap relating to Georgetown not to mention that eventually the fact that I work for you will come out and that will get a lot of attention…it's not that I don't want to do this with you because it will be a lot easier to handle with someone else, it's that if anything goes wrong and you lose business deals or whatever because of all of it, are you going to be okay? I don't want you risking everything you've worked for just for me…this thing with Elena has to be about you…you need to close that part of your life, the fallout from that with your family could do irreparable damage to everyone involved or even remotely close to all of you…"
Selfless and reliable are two words that I would use to describe the woman sitting in front of me, even now when she should be thinking about Georgetown and what Jace has to say to her, she's still thinking about me and everything that could compromise what I've worked for, but truthfully, I buried myself in work to try and numb the heartache that I caused myself when I realised I lost her. I'm sure we've had this conversation before but still she is double and triple checking with me…no matter what happens with the fallout, if she's still going to be here I couldn't care less if I lost everything.
Money and extravagance isn't how I was raised to view life, love and family, those are the things that are most important to me…everything else just allows me to live a privileged life, one that I might not have had otherwise, everything I have has allowed me to do some good. While I don't take it for granted, it wouldn't break my spirit if I was left with nothing.
"Baby, if I wasn't ready to deal with all of this I wouldn't be planning on telling my family tomorrow, it's not going to be a birthday to remember but it's time…time for me to deal with everything that went wrong in my life and hope that they won't throw me out or disown me for it. As for my business, sure for a while it will sting if I lose it but it's just money and you are more important than that and so is my family, sure people having no jobs will make me feel guilty but hopefully I can give them a reference that will allow them to be hired by people who respect them just as much as I do…" I'm not normally this laid back or sentimental but I do respect people who respect me and I have just under Five hundred thousand employees under me all over the world and the thought of them having no job scares me because I always pride myself on looking after my staff but it will be out of my hands…there's only the hope that I don't have to lay off staff and sell of businesses that is keeping me from losing it entirely.
"Christian, I'm not saying it will happen, I'm just making sure that you understand the outcomes that are possible…anyway, enough about this…take me dancing…" I smile at her and kiss her lips gently.
"Now that I can definitely do…" I grab the keys and climb out of the car and walk around to her door and help her out.
She wraps her arm around my waist as we head to the elevator and I press the button for the club…the door closes and I pull her in front of me and kiss her deeply holding her hips.
"So maybe just a quick dance and another drink and then home?" she whispers against my lips before stepping back from me, of course one of those can only be a little one because one of us has to be able to drive home and given that I've got the bigger body mass and all it would make sense that I could have slightly more to drink then she can so I am more than happy to drive us home.
"Quick dance and home it is…" the doors open and we walk into the club and over to a booth in the corner that is reserved for me and sit down and I pull her close to me kissing her deeply my hand running up and down her thigh gently. Truthfully the song that is on at the moment isn't one that I want to dance too, it's too slow and right now I feel like something with a beat and I don't think Ana is to bothered by dancing to this song either.
I don't think that she clicked on to the not another drink thing but I don't care right now I'm happy in our bubble making out like a couple of teenagers and I couldn't be happier, the music changed and Ana pulled back smirking at me, she grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the dance floor taking both of my hands in hers and pressed up close to me as the vocals started…
*Right right, turn off the lights,
We gonna lose our minds tonight,
What's the dealio?
I love when it's all too much,
Five a.m. turn the radio up
Where's the rock and roll?*
I recognise the song by Pink if for no other reason than Mia has probably played it a few times and it might have come across my radio while I was driving…I spin her out and then pull her back to me before she moves back and starts to swing her body in time with the music and I just stand there mesmerized watching the way the music moves through her, it's the same as when she was playing the piano the other morning, she feels deep emotions in the music much like I do but I think that her emotions are more raw and processed than mine are.
*Party crasher,
Panty snatcher,
Call me up if you want a gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancy
Why so serious?
So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be, anything but loud
And nitty gritty dirty little freaks
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass…*
I have a good feeling about our relationship from here on out, she is everything that I've ever wanted and I'm going to make sure she knows it. At this point she's turned her back to me and I'm holding her hips as she's rubbing against my groin and it's definitely doing what she wants it to, of that I have no doubt.
I decide to let the music take me out of my head and move my body with hers running my hands up her sides and back down pulling her tight against me as I kiss her neck on both sides as the song continues…
*Slam slam, oh hot damn
What part of party don't you understand?
Wish you'd just freak out (freak out already)
Can't stop, comin' in hot,
I should be locked up right on the spot
It's so on right now (so fuckin' on right now)
Party crasher,
Panty snatcher,
Call me up if you want a gangsta
Don't be fancy, just get dancy
Why so serious?*
She turned in my arms and looked at me wrapping her arms around my neck as I wrap mine around her waist; she looks into my eyes singing along to the song…
*So raise your glass if you are wrong,
In all the right ways,
All my underdogs,
We will never be never be, anything but loud
"Maybe gritty dirty little freaks"
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
Won't you come on and come on and raise your glass,
Just come on and come on and raise your glass
So if you're too school for cool,
And you're treated like a fool,
(Treated like a fool)
You can choose to let it go
We can always, we can always,
Party on our own*
She smirks at me and winks before pulling me off the dance floor towards the bar, the rest of the song forgotten about as she gets two bottles of water and they put it on my tab, which of course is open ended until months end and then I do one big payment as opposed to lots of little ones, anyway back to my girl…
"You continue to surprise me, I never expected you to know how to dance like a normal guy, I thought you'd be all ridged and uncoordinated unless it was slow music like at all the fundraisers you've been too..." I shake my head at her as I open my bottle of water and take a sip before I answer.
"I'm still a red blooded male Anastasia, I'm perfectly capable of dancing like a teenager if I have the right person to dance with…hence you are the right person, hence I danced like you were dancing with me, unless you would have preferred to use me as a pole and I could have just stood there…" of course I raise my eyebrow smirking at her knowing full well that she wouldn't be that person but the look on her face is indeed priceless.
"No I like this side of you; it's good to see that you still know how to have fun even if it might be ten years too late…I'm starting to feel tired, do you think you could drive me home in my car Mr Grey?" she says as she watches my reactions, to what I'm not entirely sure but I smile and nod my head.
"Of course Miss Steele, might be home in time for you to say goodnight to your guests and then we can hit the hay…" I take her hand and we head out, I'm glad that it doesn't seem that anyone took any pictures of us, but it wouldn't worry me anyway, it's not like we were doing anything that normal people in their Twenties wouldn't do.
We get to her car and I open her door like the gentleman I am and then I climb in and drive us back to Escala, I can't wait for tomorrow to be over, the secret that I've been holding onto for more than Fifteen years is going to come out and I will either have the support of my family or I will be disowned, either way I will be free of her and I will be moving forward, the way that I should have always been and no matter what happens with all of this, if I can keep my anger in check and keep Ana close to me than I will be okay…hopefully it won't come to them having to choose who's right and who's wrong in this situation and they won't blame me for what happened…
~oooOooo~
A/N: So I had this big paragraph that I was going to write about the right way and the wrong way to leave constructive reviews, as it is my Fiancé and I have talked a lot about some of the reviews I got and I can say that he was less than pleased with some of the language directed at me in them. If you don't like what I'm writing to solution is simple, stop reading, if you don't want to be updated on the chapters than remove it from your follows list.
Don't bad mouth me because I choose to be different from every other story; I'm not going to change my story or who I am because only a few of you seem to have issues. I'm not writing this to match E.L James's books nor to match whoever you think Christian and Ana are, these are my Ana and Christian, how I see them and how they speak to me and if you don't like it well that's on you not me.
I'm picking on people, mostly because a lot of you had only nice things to say or asked me questions which I was happy to answer, but some of the guest reviews I got where straight up personal attacks and that's not right.
That's all I want to say but any other personal attacks won't be tolerated and if you don't read my story simply based on the comments than that's your choice but they're opinion could be completely contradictory to yours.
I apologise for taking so long with this update, I just needed to calm down and process what I was writing and also what was written to me.
Much Love,
Xxx Aby