Title: Hello, Goodbye
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Law & Order: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law and Order SVU and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The characters of Jack (and his family) have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: A shadow from Olivia's past shows up on her doorstep and offers the opportunity for her to take a very different direction in her life. This story exists outside of the universe that my other stories are happening in.
Author's Notes: This AU series is for SVU fans and readers who want Olivia to have something that resembles a more normal life outside of work and a family of her own - hopefully somewhat realistically within the canon of SVU. Most of the chapters will ultimately take place outside of the work environment, so there aren't going to be too many references to cases from the show. But this story would generally be starting in about Season 13/14 of the show. Please let me know what you think and if you distribute elsewhere.
She startled awake and it took her a moment to realize she was in her bed – it was starting to feel like so long since she'd actually got to sleep in it.
She reached up to rub at her eyes and the copy of Wind in the Willows she'd been reading to Benji fell into her chest. Apparently it had worked as as much of a sedative for her, as it had for him. She felt so tired. She thought if she'd known she was going to be dealing with all of this – she likely would've taken a vacation before the shit-storm had hit.
Thinking about it, it was almost ridiculous how much her routine had shifted within a matter of barely two weeks. She remembered being shocked at how easy it'd been to shift her routine when she had Calvin with her too. It wasn't that dealing with Calvin – and now Benji and Jack – wasn't challenging in their own ways and that having to adjust some of her habits and routines were frustrating, giving up her space and privacy was a little jarring, balancing work priorities and commitments into it all was hard. But it was just something she did. They needed her. The switch was necessary. And, really, she was getting something out of it.
A change in routine meant she wasn't coming home to an empty apartment. And, she was actually coming home. That was a bit of change too. Hell, she was even eating better so far too. There'd still be take-out – but a hell of a lot less. And, she'd been sleeping better too. Case-and-point that night. She was exhausted.
God, her energy was getting worse with age. Maybe it was best she'd forced herself to put aside the idea – or even the hope – of ever having a baby of her own. She was really starting to wonder how these women in their mid-to-late-40s who popped one out or adopted or whatever – did it.
Keeping up with a four-year-old after putting in a full-day at work was tiring. Having a family was definitely should've been something she should've gotten on in her 30s. She could only imagine dealing with a baby now would be chaotic for her body in so many ways. Dealing with a little boy with the energy of Benji as he got older too … she knew was he got bigger and stronger, he certainly wasn't going to slow down any. Not to mention, the concept of naps or bedtime would likely become more foreign to him. Calvin certainly didn't like to sit still much either and getting him to sleep had been a futile battle. Maybe a girl would be easier. They might be slightly calmer but dealing with them through puberty and their teens? If she was in her 50s or 60s when that hit? That sounded like unusual torture for everyone involved too.
She glanced over at Benji. The thing with him was that after he was asleep, he was asleep. She was pretty sure a marching band could go through the room and he wouldn't notice at this point. He was still on his side, facing her, like he had been while she'd been reading to him. Flame tucked under his one arm and his face flat against the mattress rather than the pillow. He had his mouth hanging open and was making soft breathing sounds – completely dead to the world.
She wondered how inappropriate it would be to close her eyes and just go back to sleep. Her back could really use a night in the bed rather than on the couch. But she knew she'd likely raise her eyebrows about that if she got wind of it in a case at work. So with a sigh, she forced herself to sit up and stand from the bed, adjusting the duvet up around Benji some more, before she left the room.
Her and Jack hadn't had their talk yet. It actually sounded like he was just going to let her keep Benji for the week and they would talk on the weekend now. She thought that was a better idea than what would likely be a long, frustrated and heated conversation in mid-week. But she'd already learned not to assume too much with Jack. He could easily decide on Wednesday, that he was going to show her or put her in her place or God knows what in his mind, and appear at the apartment to collect Benji. It certainly wouldn't surprise her.
He could be a little volatile in his thought processes and emotions. Not all of his synapses were firing yet, she supposed. He still had a couple years of brain development left before it might even be possible for him to think like a more rational human-being. She wouldn't let a perp use that excuse. But, this was kind of different. The kid had been through the wringer.
Still, she thought that based on what he had said that night, there was a reasonable possibility that he might let her help them until the end of the semester – until they were through the holidays. That would likely get Benji through the period he had the cast on too. She thought it made sense. It'd give Jack the time he needed to get his grades up and it would give Benji the time he needed to heal. And, it would hopefully give her enough time to get to know both of them to the point that Jack would trust her enough to talk to her more and get some of this mess sorted for him the best she could.
She had some ideas on how getting it sorted might be best. She knew some of them were more realistic than others. Some of it was just her own needs and wants and her 'desperate to have a family' tendencies, as Cragen not so delicately had put it while she had Calvin.
She had to admit to herself too that Jack's glimmer of recognition that the nursery school contract spanned until Dec. 31st and his questions about what that meant and how that worked – him not outright opposing it and him signing the paper … she'd already let her mind slip a bit to the concept of getting to have a Christmas.
She didn't think she'd ever had a normal Christmas in her life – or at least not one like you see in the media or anything that resembled what she'd hear colleagues talk about. And, really, after her mother died, she hadn't really had anything over the holidays. She wasn't even sure the last time she'd bothered to put up any sort of decoration in her apartment – not even a wreath on the door.
Getting to do a holiday season with a little boy in prime Christmas Magic age seemed kind of appealing to her. Not that she had any idea how she would approach that. And, she was getting way, way, way too far ahead of herself anyways. Even if she was able to keep Jack's emotions in check long enough to get them to the end of December – she figured there was still a reasonable chance they'd go back up to the farm over the holidays, no matter how screwed up his relationship was with his uncle. People went home at Christmas – even in messed up families. She knew that from experience.
And, really, as a responsible adult, she should likely be encouraging Jack to make amends with his uncle and to try to sort out the whole care for Benji details in that realm. Unless Jack said something that made her think Greg had been doing something hurtful or abusive with the boys, it just made the most sense for the family to sort this out on its own, she supposed. But she actually wasn't entirely sure how much she agreed with that. Some times families just really couldn't sort things out on their own. Some times the family you pick for yourself is better than the one you end up with through genetics and happenstance.
She stooped and picked up some of Benji's toys from off the floor. She didn't really like the addition of the milk-crate toy box to her living room. It really didn't fit the décor. But it'd just have to continue to work for now. It wasn't a big deal. Though, she was fighting the urge to boy Benji some more 'stuff'. Clothes, toys, books – things to have around the apartment just to make the situation easier for both of him – even if this all was just temporary.
She wasn't really sure what she was supposed to be doing with herself now. With Benji asleep and her awake – there was a quietness. She hadn't really had that the previous week with Jack there to snark at her every night. She wasn't sure she'd fall back asleep now, even if she did manage to get herself comfortable on the couch. She supposed she could look over her case file once more and refresh herself on all the facts again before she had to go and hang around the courthouse all day tomorrow waiting to testify. Really good before bed reading. It was sure no Wind in the Willows.
She slouched onto the couch and fingered at where she'd left the file on the coffee table – finally opening it and looking at the top page for a moment. But decided not to and instead reached for her phone. She flicked around to bring up the photo albums. She didn't think she'd really used the phone to take pictures that weren't work-related until that evening.
Benji had been completely enthralled with the fact the playground had sand pit. She thought she'd realized a bit too belatedly that sand and a cast likely wasn't the best combination. She managed to deter him and had crouched down, wiping away at the sand he had all over his encased wrist. She even had him stand up and gently shake the thing around trying to get any that might've gone down inside to fall back out.
She was just hoping now that not too much had slipped into it and would result in him complaining of itches. He hadn't yet but if he did, she wasn't sure how she'd deal with that. He did have another follow-up with the surgeon, though, in a couple weeks. She supposed if it turned into too big of problem, she could ask about the possibility of having a new one put one.
After she'd suggested that playing on the play equipment might be a better idea than digging in the sand, he'd reluctantly agreed and then had gone running around like a crazy man. The cast didn't seem to slow him down too much – he was still climbing up things and hanging over railing and pushing himself down the slide. The couple times he did stand still long enough, she'd taken a couple pictures of him. It was just before dusk – before they'd get kicked out of the park – but the light was great for photos. He looked just so happy and natural and relaxed. A wild and crazy four-year-old. His hair a tousled mess. His tongue hanging out in some of the photos while a wide smile played across his face in others. He'd been almost as excited to get to look at the photos – and to finally get to touch her phone with his smudgy little fingers.
Benji was just Mr. Personality and definitely a Photo-Cheese. He loved the attention. She knew he was trouble. But he was taking more and more pieces of her heart each day. She knew it was a dangerous line for her to be walking – likely for both of them.
She had all these thoughts running through her head about how she wanted this to work out. She was trying to convince herself it was doable. That it would be best for Benji – like she had any clue about what was best for him.
Fingered at Elliot's medal around her neck, as she flipped through the photos of Benji. She'd been feeling this ache to talk to Elliot the last several days. She thought of him in some capacity near daily – but it'd been more consistent the lately. His not being there to talk to about all of this just seemed to make his absence feel that much more real; more real than it had for a while.
She just wanted to talk all of what was happening through with someone. It always just seemed to come back to him. She'd had awful, awkward, angering conversations with him when things about her wanting children had come up before. She'd been upset with him. She'd been hurt by some of his comments. Touched by others. But he was about the only person she'd really talked about it with.
She knew he'd probably be telling her to stay out of this mess – that it was just a temporary situation, to not get so involved. He'd likely piss her off again – as usual. Yet she still wanted to hear it out of his mouth.
She'd stopped phone-stalking Elliot nearly a year ago. She'd left a few more messages, sent a couple texts, sent an email – after he'd sent her the Semper Fi. She tried to pose it as just wanting to say thank you. But she knew the message of the gift. They'd gone separate ways. He was on his own path now. He appreciated the person she was and what she brought to the job and his life. That was over now, though. Still, just because he had left Special Victims, it didn't mean she didn't still have a role there. He just didn't anymore. He was done. They were done.
She'd struggled with it. So much. She didn't understand why they couldn't at least still be friends – why she couldn't see him sometimes, or his family. But she did understand too. It just really hurt.
It had left such a gaping hole that she wasn't sure would ever heal. She'd had some hope that maybe it could heal at least bit with David – but that had been a false start as well. Now this … it was likely going to be a false start too. It seemed like so much in her life was false-starts. Maybe was just one of the many reasons she missed her partner so much – their partnership was one of the few things in her life that hadn't been a false start. No matter how much they butted heads and how angry he could make he - at least he'd been consistent.
She gazed some more at the one photo. Benji was sitting at the top of the spiral slide but had hung over it to look at her, his arms draped over the side, his cast in full view and his chin resting against the side too. His tongue was hanging out of the one-side of his mouth as he looked to her a little questioningly after she'd called at him. But he had this sparkle in his eyes and almost half-smile on the side of his mouth where the tongue wasn't jutting out as he realized she was pointing the camera at him. He looked heart-breakingly cute – at least to her.
With a couple more screen-touches, she found herself looking at Elliot's name, still in her contacts – and likely always going to be there. She wondered if he'd changed his cell at that point. Likely. She thought she would if she'd been in his shoes. Still, her thumb hovered above it for some time and then hit it, she selected the picture of Benji she'd just been looking at and then started to tap in a message: "This is Benji. I'd really like to talk to you."
She looked at it again for a moment. She felt so many emotions building up into her and cursed at herself some more. She thought about hitting the home button and closing out of the message. But then let her thumb come back down and tapped send.