A/N: I am once again absolutely thunderstruck by your response to the last chapter. Thank you all so much, I'm really touched by some of the wonderful comments I received. You guys are way too good to me!
So, this chapter is kind of a two-parter. I hope it doesn't feel too disjointed. I wrote the first part several days ago, but just couldn't find the time to finish the chapter. And when I finally got around to it, the muse had decided on something completely different. She's so damn stubborn! So I've kind of mashed the two parts together, hoping for the best. *crosses fingers*
Please enjoy (and don't be too hard on me!) Chapter 25
Mac arrived in the cafeteria to find a very anxious group of people waiting for him. Stella gave him a small smile, pushing a coffee and bagel toward him as he sat down.
"Thanks Stella," he said as he picked up the coffee and took a cautious sip. He was right to take it slow – the liquid was scalding hot, thick and tarry. But it was caffeine, and at this point, that was all he was really after.
"Everything alright?" Stella asked quietly.
Mac nodded his head, noticing that there were four pairs of curious eyes staring at him, wondering what it was that he had needed to talk to Danny about. "Yeah, everything's fine. Danny's sleeping now."
Taking another sip, he looked across the table at Lindsay. She looked tired and worn out, her brow furrowed as she slowly picked apart a blueberry muffin.
"Lindsay? You alright?" he asked.
"Hmmm? Sorry Mac, what?" she asked, looking up from her menial task before wiping her hands and pushing the crumbled mess away from her.
"You're miles away, kiddo," Stella said, reaching out a hand and laying it comfortingly over Lindsay's.
"Actually, it's more like I'm four floors up," Lindsay said, giving Stella a small smile. "Sorry."
"No need to apologize, Lindsay," Mac said. "You've had a rough few weeks, you've got a lot on your mind. We all understand. It's not been easy for you, either of you."
"I think that's the understatement of the year, Mac," she replied, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest.
"When was the last time you slept, Linds?" Hawkes asked, concern evident on his face.
"I got an hour or two this morning with Danny," she said. "And before that… I don't know. I tried sleeping last night, but..." she gave them all a rueful smile. "It's funny. Before, I was worried that he wouldn't wake up. Now I'm worried that he'll wake up and I won't be there."
"You know, as glad as I'm sure he is to see you, sweetie," Stella said, "he wouldn't want you to run yourself ragged for his sake. You can't burn both ends of the candle, Lindsay. It's not good for you. And I think Danny would probably beat himself up if he thought that you were stretching yourself too thin on his account."
Lindsay looked around the table at her friends, concern and sympathy displayed clearly on all their faces.
"What else can I do?" she asked in a small voice. "I can't just leave him here by himself. You haven't seen him… you don't know how awful it is to watch him wake up, surrounded by all these things that are constant reminders of Shorewood. The hospital bed, the machinery, everything. He's terrified when he wakes up, and if someone isn't there to talk him down, I… I don't know what would happen."
She looked down at her hands, toying with her wedding ring as she continued. "But this morning, for the first time, he was okay when he woke up. He said that knowing I was there, it made him feel safe. You have no idea how good that made me feel. I felt like I could finally do something for him, instead of just sitting there waiting."
"Is there, um, something we could do?" Adam asked, glancing over at Lindsay. "I mean, I know that I would be happy to… to sit with Danny if it made you feel better. I don't mind."
"Yeah, it wouldn't be a problem," Hawkes pitched in. "If you need a break, let one of us know. We'll make sure someone is with him. Or if you need someone to take Lucy for a while, I know I wouldn't mind hanging out with her for a bit."
Lindsay felt tears welling up in her eyes at the show of support from her friends. "Oh, you guys," she said, wiping at her cheeks, "Thank you. But you've all done so much already. I couldn't ask you to do that."
"You're not asking," Mac said. "We're offering. And we won't take no for an answer."
"Thank you," she said. "Thank you so much, you guys. I don't know how we're ever going to be able to repay you all for everything you've done for us."
"Hey, like I told Danny upstairs, this is what friends do, Lindsay," Hawkes said. "We stick together, when one of us is in need, we're there."
Lindsay gave him a watery smile before taking a tissue from her pocket and blowing her nose.
"Thanks guys," she said. "I don't know what we'd do without you."
Dr. Howard was relatively pleased with his patient's recovery. His wounds were healing nicely, although there was still a lot of pain and swelling at the surgical sites on his wrist and his chest, but that was to be expected. He'd suffered a slight setback when he had contracted a minor infection in his lungs, but after a few days of antibiotics, the infection seemed to be clearing up and Dr. Howard was looking forward to giving Danny a few pieces of good news.
He walked down the hallway, rapping his knuckles lightly on Danny's door before pushing it open and peering inside. He saw Danny sitting up in bed, chatting quietly with a tall, dark haired man about the same age. They appeared to be deep in discussion, and Dr. Howard wasn't sure that his knock had been heard. Standing in the doorway, he softly cleared his throat to announce his presence. Two heads turned to look up at him, and Danny gave him a small welcoming smile.
"Hey, Doc," he said. His voice was still slightly hoarse, although not nearly as bad as it had been. "Come on in."
Dr. Howard walked into the room, extending his hand to the dark-haired fellow sitting in the chair at Danny's bedside.
"Hi there," he said. "I'm Dr. Howard, Danny's surgeon."
"Don Flack," the young man said, standing and reaching across Danny's bed to shake his hand.
"Nice to meet you, Don."
"You too, doctor," he said smiling as he retook his seat.
"So, how are you doing today, Danny?" Dr. Howard asked.
"I don't know, Doc," he replied, nodding his head at the folder clasped in the doctor's hands. "Why don't you tell me?"
Dr. Howard smiled down at his patient, nodding his head as he flipped open the file. He paused, glancing across the bed at Flack before giving Danny a questioning look.
"Whatever it is you've got to tell me, you can say in front of Don," Danny said.
"You sure, Danny?" Flack asked. "I mean, I can go grab a coffee or something. I don't want to intrude."
"Nah, it's fine," Danny said. He looked up at Dr. Howard, hesitating. "Unless it's something bad…"
"No, no. Nothing bad," Dr. Howard said, smiling as he pulled up a chair on Danny's other side. "Just a few quick things I want to go over with you, see how you're progressing. And maybe, just maybe, we can get you out of here this afternoon."
Danny's eyes lit up at the prospect of getting out of the hospital.
"But I do have a few things to go over with you before I can discharge you," Dr. Howard continued. "So…"
"So, maybe I should take a hike?" Flack said good-naturedly. Dr. Howard smiled apologetically at him. "No problem. I'll be right outside, alright? Just holler if you need me, Danno."
With that, he reached out, patting Danny's shoulder before standing and walking out into the hall. Dr. Howard turned his attention back to Danny.
"I hear from the nurses that you're managing your pain a bit better," he said, consulting the chart. "I can see that the dosages of the painkillers have decreased in quantity and in frequency over the past few days, which is a good sign." Danny nodded his head. "And I also see that your latest cultures show that the infection in your lungs is almost completely gone now. I think another day or two of antibiotics should do the trick. I'll be sure to get a prescription down to the dispensary before you leave, alright?"
Danny nodded his head eagerly. "Yeah, that would be great. Thanks."
Dr. Howard gazed down at the notes in front of him, not sure how to broach the next subject. He took a deep breath before looking up at Danny. "And how about the panic attacks?" he asked. "And the nightmares. Are you still having those, Danny?"
He watched carefully as Danny shifted uncomfortably, looking down at his hands which were nervously twisting and untwisting the blanket that covered his legs. Danny bit his lip, inclining his head slightly, indicating that he was still suffering psychologically.
"It's… it's not so bad now," he said, his voice small, and Dr. Howard noticed a faint blush creeping across his cheeks as he spoke. "It's mostly when I wake up, but it gets better when there's someone there. Someone familiar." He continued to fidget with the blanket, still not meeting Dr. Howard's gaze. "But… when I wake up, alone, I…" he cleared his throat, trying to hide the fact that his voice was shaking ever so slightly. "I can't snap out of it. I can still see him, hear his voice… I feel paralyzed. I can't move. Can't breathe. I get so…"
"It's okay to be scared, Danny. It's nothing to be ashamed of," Dr. Howard said kindly. "It's only natural after what you've been through. "
"Yeah, I know," he replied morosely. He hung his head, staring down at his hands which were now clenched in tight fists in his lap. "But I just feel so… so helpless. And I don't like it. I don't like being afraid."
Dr. Howard reached out, placing a reassuring hand on Danny's shoulder. "The nurses told me about what happened the other day," he said. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Danny sighed. He knew what Dr. Howard was referring to. The previous morning, a pair of nurses had come into his room to run some routine tests, wanting to check his vitals, including an EKG which required them to place electrodes at various points on his body, including his chest, neck and face. He had felt the first hints of panic when he had seen the electrodes laid out on the tray, but he had told himself that the nurses were there to help him. He repeated the mantra over and over to himself as the nurses worked, placing the sticky little pads on his chest. But when they came at his face armed with the electrodes, his mind had instantly been transported back to Shorewood's makeshift hospital room, his muscles immediately contracting in fear of the painful shocks he knew would follow. No amount of soothing words or coaxing on the part of the nurses could calm him down, and he had let out a primal scream, thrashing around on the bed, desperate to protect himself from harm. In the end, the nurses had been forced to sedate him, and the last thing he remembered was two pairs of eyes staring down at him with pity written all over their faces as he slipped into unconsciousness.
His face flushed bright red at the memory. His reaction was not something he was proud of. Losing complete control like that, it made him nervous. What if he was out in public, or even at home with Lindsay and Lucy and something startled him, took him back to that room where he had endured so much pain. Would he be able to control himself? To calm himself down enough to deal with the situation rationally? At this point, he wasn't sure at all.
He looked up and met Dr. Howard's gaze. The doctor gave him a small, comforting smile.
"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it to me," he said. "But I really think that you should consider getting yourself in to see a therapist or a counsellor of some kind once you go home." Seeing the hesitation in Danny's eyes, Dr. Howard continued. "Their job isn't to judge you, Danny. It's someone to talk to. Someone to help you work through these feelings and, eventually, to move past them so that you can get on with a normal life, not having to worry about being afraid. I'm not going to lie to you. It won't be easy, and it won't happen overnight. But I would be happy to set something up with a colleague of mine if you'd like."
Danny gazed back down at his hands, twisting his wedding band on his finger.
"Danny?" Dr. Howard prompted. He sighed, reaching into his pocket and retrieving a business card and placing it on Danny's bedside table. "I'm just going to leave this here for you, alright. Please, just think about it. I can't make you go, but I think it would do you the world of good. You and your wife."
Danny looked up at the mention of Lindsay.
"What?"
"Danny, you've both been through a lot," Dr. Howard said, "And I'm sure that you are not the only one with lingering issues stemming from your experience. I've met your wife, she's a lovely woman, and I can tell that she loves you a lot. And from the way you talk about her, I get the feeling that you're pretty crazy about her too."
Danny smiled, nodding his head. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."
Dr. Howard smiled back at Danny. "Just think about it, okay? Talk to your wife, see if she's open to it," he said. "You can choose to go separately or together, but I think that if you give it a chance, you might be surprised by how much of a relief it is to talk about what you've been through. Help one another understand how you're feeling and why."
Danny nodded his head. "I'll think about it, okay Doc?"
"That's all I ask, Danny," Dr. Howard replied. He placed his hands on his knees, pushing himself up to a standing position. "Now, I'm going to go get your discharge papers ready. Do you want someone to call your wife, or will you get your friend to take you home?"
"I'll get Don to call Lindsay. Thanks, Dr. Howard."
"No problem." he said. "I'll need to see you in about three weeks to check on your incisions. I'll send home some instructions on how to change the dressings on your wounds, as well as a list of the medications you'll be on and how often you need to take them. You'll also need to make an appointment with a physical therapist to help rebuild the strength in your wrist, so I'll get you a referral. And I'll call down to the dispensary to get your prescriptions filled for the antibiotics, as well as the painkillers, alright?"
"Thanks," Danny said, extending his hand for the doctor to shake. "And I promise to talk to Lindsay about the whole therapy thing."
"It's been a pleasure, Danny. Good luck," Dr. Howard said, smiling as he released Danny's hand and turned to stride from the room. Out in the hallway, he ran into Flack who was standing at the nurse's station talking animatedly to Nora. He smiled at the dark-haired man, nodding his head in the direction of Danny's room. "He's ready for you."
"Oh, thanks Dr. Howard," Flack said. He smiled at Nora before heading back to Danny's room.
"You gonna miss this place, Danny?" Flack asked as he helped pack up the last of Danny's things, shoving them into the small suitcase Lindsay had brought over just after he'd first woken up.
"Not as much as you, Flack," he replied, wincing as he sat up on the bed. He grinned at his friend's surprised expression. "What? You think I didn't notice you flirting with Nora when you thought I wasn't looking?"
"It's nothing, Dan," he said, shrugging his shoulders. "She just took pity on me, sitting here all alone while your lazy ass slept all the time. Somebody had to keep me company."
"Uh huh," Danny said. "Just don't expect me to get hurt again just so you can get lucky. I mean, you're my best friend, but there's a limit to what I'll do for you."
"Shut up," Flack said, trying to busy himself with zipping up the suitcase. Danny was pleased to see a blush on his friend's face.
"She's cute," Danny said as he stood up, his legs feeling a bit shaky after so many days of disuse. "You should ask her out while you can still use me as an excuse to be here."
"I already did," Flack answered. Danny looked at his friend, smiling broadly. "Yeah, we're going to a movie when she gets off work tomorrow night."
"Good for you, man!" Danny replied, genuinely happy for Flack. "She's really nice. Linds likes her a lot. Now I just need to make sure I get a chance to warn her about what an asshole you are before she gets herself in too deep."
Flack grinned at Danny once the suitcase was zipped and resting on its wheels on the floor. He watched Danny take a few hesitant steps toward the bathroom to get changed and clean himself up.
"You need a hand, Dan?" he asked, all joking aside.
"Nah, I'm good," he said as he shuffled slowly across the room, reaching out to steady himself against the wall. "God, why do they put the bathrooms so far away in these fucking places."
Flack chuckled, handing Danny his clothes and his bag of toiletries as he finally made it to the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Once inside, Danny took a good look at himself. He was surprised by his appearance. Since he'd been in the hospital, he hadn't really gotten a good look at himself, partly because getting up to use the bathroom was too painful, and partly out of fear for what he would see.
He looked haggard. He had dark circles under his eyes, which were still slightly swollen from his allergic reaction, and his skin was pale and sallow. His beard had grown much longer than he usually kept it, making him appear scruffy and unkempt. The upside of the beard was that it covered the majority of the bruises on his jaw from where Shorewood had beaten him.
His hair was sticking out all over the place in wild little tufts. He smiled, knowing that Lindsay loved his hair first thing in the morning. She was always commenting that it made him look so boyish, and she loved to run her fingers through it. But he doubted she would find anything positive to say about the mare's nest on top of his head at the moment. It needed a cut and he couldn't wait to get home and have a shower, washing off the smell and the lingering miasma of the hospital once and for all.
As he pulled the hospital gown off his upper body, he grimaced at the fading bruises all over his torso. He knew that some of them were from where the paramedics had performed CPR on him in the ambulance on the way over, Flack having filled him in on the whole horrific experience. But the most disturbing one was a dark greenish-purple blob that looked unnervingly like a fist. He shivered as he remembered Shorewood punching him just below his ribcage, catching him right in the diaphragm. It was here that he still had the most pain of all his injuries, aside from the two bandaged surgical scars on his wrist and chest.
He ran his fingers over the white gauze covering the left side of his ribs. From what he understood from Dr. Howard, the bullet had nicked two of his ribs, grazing between them before puncturing his lung. He took a deep, tentative breath, holding it for as long as possible, just as the doctor had instructed him to do to help build up his lung capacity once more. He let his breath out in a loud whoosh, disappointed in himself for only being able to hold it in for a few seconds before the pain became too great.
He could still see traces of the rash that had been his first indication that something was wrong, what seemed like an eternity ago, back in the courtyard outside the crime lab. A scab had formed where he'd scratched himself to the point of bleeding moments before Shorewood had turned up and whisked him away. Danny leaned forward on the counter, hanging his head. How could he have been so stupid? How could he not have known? He had been so distracted, he hadn't even considered what it was he was eating until it was too late.
Since then, he'd been extremely cautious with his food, making sure that the orderly who brought him his meals knew that he couldn't have any peanuts, and carefully pushing his food around on his plate, searching for any traces of the deadly nut. When Lindsay had been around during mealtimes, he'd force himself to choke down a few bites, just for show. But in truth, he'd barely eaten in days, as the thought of food in general made his stomach turn.
He raised his head, looking at himself once again. His body, once hard and toned, looked sickly and overly thin. It would be a long time before he was physically well enough to get back to the gym, and he felt a twinge of nervousness at the thought of Lindsay seeing him like this. What would she think? Not even considering the scars that marred his body, he knew that he had changed. And even though he realized that it was ridiculous, a part of him wondered if Lindsay would still find him even remotely desirable.
A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts.
"Baby? Can I come in?"
"Just a second, Linds," he said, grabbing a t-shirt from the pile of clothes Flack had handed him and pulling it over his head, letting out a hiss of pain as he tried to cover himself as quickly as possible.
"Danny? Are you alright?" Lindsay asked, and Danny could hear the concern in her voice. "Baby? I'm coming in."
"No, honey I'm fine," he said, pulling the t-shirt into place just as the door inched open and Lindsay poked her head inside. "Hey."
"Hey," she said, sliding into the bathroom and closing the door behind her. "You okay? I thought you were in pain."
"Yeah, so what else is new?" Danny asked wryly.
She looked at him, her eyebrows raised. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," he said, nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just getting myself all prettied up for you."
She smiled at him, taking a step forward and raising her hand to gently caress his cheek. "You don't have to do that, Danny," she asked, pressing a kiss to his whiskered chin. "You know that I will always think that you're beautiful."
He looked down at his wife who was staring back at him with such love and sincerity in her eyes, and he couldn't help but blush self-consciously. "Thank you," he whispered.
"Anytime, Dan," she replied, rubbing her nose against his affectionately before capturing his lips in a sweet and tender kiss. "You ready to go home?" she asked after pulling away and resting her forehead against his own.
"Yeah," he said. "Yeah, I am. I just need to finish getting changed, then I'll be right out."
"You want some help?" she asked.
"No, I'll be fine," he said. "Can you just take a quick look around the room, make sure Flack didn't forget to pack anything? I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I left one of Lucy's pictures behind, or her bear."
Lindsay stepped back and smiled at him, sensing that he just needed a moment to himself, to pull himself together before facing the reality of life outside the hospital.
"Okay," she said. "I'll be right outside if you need me."
"Thanks, Linds," he said, watching as she opened the door and stepped out of the room before closing the door quietly behind her. He turned back to the mirror, staring hard at his reflection.
You can do this, he told himself. You're just going home. It's not that bad. You have nothing to worry about. Everything is going to be fine.
He nodded to himself after his little pep talk, picking up the underwear and sweatpants from the counter. He quickly discarded the hospital-issued pyjama bottoms in favour of his own clothes. Then he brushed his teeth and ran his fingers through his hair. He gathered his belongings before opening the door and shuffling out into the hospital room. He shuffled slowly across the floor once more, laying the hospital gown and pants on the bed before handing Lindsay his small bag of toiletries to be stowed away in the suitcase. He looked over at the wheelchair sitting by the door of the room, making a disgusted face at the implication that he needed it to leave the hospital.
"It's hospital policy, Danny," Lindsay said, resting her hand on his arm. "We all know you don't really need it, but…" her sentence trailed off and she shrugged her shoulders.
"Just as long as they're not sending the stupid thing home with me," he mumbled. He glared at the wheelchair, having thought that he'd left that chapter of his life behind him permanently after being shot in the back and spending six months learning how to walk again.
"It's a liability thing, Danno," Flack explained as he grabbed the handle on the wheeled suitcase and headed out the door. "You just have to let them wheel you to the front door. But once you're outside, you're free to run and skip and jump – whatever you want."
"I don't skip, jackass," Danny said to Flack's retreating back as he lowered himself into the chair.
"All ready?" Nora asked, as she appeared in the doorway.
"Yup," Lindsay said cheerfully. She smiled at Danny as Nora stepped behind his chair, firmly grasping the handles as she pushed him out into the hall. As they passed the nurse's station, he heard a chorus of goodbyes and good lucks from the staff. Danny waved back at them, calling out his thanks. He looked up at Lindsay who was smiling down at him with tears in her eyes. He reached out and took her hand in his.
Flack was waiting in the elevator, holding his hand over the sensor in the door so that it would stay open. Once they were inside, the elevator doors sliding closed behind them, Lindsay gave Danny's hand a little squeeze. He looked up at her and grinned. With a quiet chime, the doors opened on the ground floor and Nora pushed Danny across the main lobby and through the front doors. Once out in the fresh air, she stopped, locking the breaks before stepping back and giving Danny a wide smile.
"Sorry, ride's over," she said. "You have to do the rest on your own steam."
"Gladly," Danny said as he stood, stiffly walking over to the car waiting for him in the hospital's pick-up zone. He turned to smile at Nora before getting into the car. "I guess I'll be seeing you again," he said, nodding his head in the direction of Flack who was loading his suitcase into the trunk.
"I guess so," she said, winking at him. "You can't get rid of me that easily."
"Thanks for everything, Nora," Lindsay said, pulling the nurse into a quick embrace. "You've been so wonderful. Thank you."
"My pleasure," she said as she gave them both a smile. She waved at Flack before unlocking the breaks on the chair and pushing it back through the hospital doors, quickly disappearing from view.
Lindsay helped Danny get seated in the backseat of the car before she scooted around to the other door, slipping in beside him. Flack got settled in the front seat, turning the key in the ignition. "We ready?" he asked, looking at them in the rearview mirror.
After doing up her seatbelt, Lindsay took Danny's hand in hers, and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Home?" she asked.
"Home," he replied.
Danny's heading home. Yay! :D
And Flack's got a girlfriend. Yay! :D
But Danny's having self-esteem issues. Boo :(
So, comments? Anyone? I would love to hear your thoughts on this one, as always! :)