Insert excuse here.
UPDATE: Also forgot to wish y'all a Happy Halloween. And if you see someone wearing a Majora's Mask made out of cardboard in your neighborhood, that's probably me; I can never deny my sweet tooth its chance for sweets. Even though I'm fifteen, and probably getting too old for Halloween... Fuck it, I'm still going.
"Now, boys. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way. Either way involves much pain for both of you," said Navi.
Link opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Navi.
"The hard way? Excellent."
Navi's grin was like a piranha that had seen a defenseless leg directly in front of them. She pulled out an electric eel, and her creepy smile widened even more.
The other two had seen enough.
"Outta my way Link!" screamed Kasuto, pushing the green elf-crossdresser to the side. "I don't wanna know what she's gonna do with that thing, and I don't wanna know!" He dove headfirst into the well. A clunk announced the impact of his head against the stone bottom, twenty feet below.
Link combat-rolled through the fake wall and struck a ninja pose. He looked left. He looked right. "All clear."
Kasuto moonwalked in behind him, a hand on the hat that had mysteriously appeared.
"Where'd you get the hat?" asked Navi, who simply floated through.
"By the magical mystical musical author powers the author has just revoked from my being."
"So, you found it."
"Pretty much. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it, the ladies love these puppies." He kissed each of his biceps, and Navi was suddenly overtaken by a fit of the giggles.
Kasuto and Link just stared at her.
"Uh… You okay?" asked Link.
"Ladies…love… HA!" Navi wiped a tear from her eye.
Kasuto felt himself die a little bit inside.
Link sprinted towards the small chest hidden in an alcove. "…Dadadadaaa! I gots me some moneys!"
Kasuto snatched the purple rupee out of Link's hands. "Mine now."
"Hey! That's against the rules!"
"Screw the rules, I have money!"
Navi had to intervene against the upcoming squabble."Alright you two children, stop making lame references or I'll… I'll… Damn, I can't keep a straight face anymore. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Soon all three of them were on the ground, laughing their heads off.
Navi finally calmed down enough to speak a few minutes later. "Stop making lame references," she giggled, wiping a tear away. "Like that'll ever happen. Uwe Boll will make a good video game movie before that happens."
Ba dum psh.
Link stood in front of the giant lizard mouth spewing water onto the ground in front of the group and pulled out the Ocarina of Time. Then he paused. Kasuto and Navi looked at him expectantly. However calm his outer appearance might have been, his mind was racing like it was being chased down by a tiger with chainsaws for feet.
'Crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap! What do I play? Uh… Um… Maybe I'll just play something random, and that'll solve it! Yeah, that'll do it!' Link blew a series of random notes into the ocarina, making everything within earshot wince at the dreadful playing.
"Link. Link! LIIIIINK!"
Link stopped playing. "What?"
"First, your playing is terrible, badness that bad has to be taught by someone and we must drug and kill whoever taught you how to play the ocarina."
Far away, Albus Dumbledore felt a shiver go down his back.
"Secondly," Navi continued, " your playing is so bad that everything alive and dead within a mile is coming to kill us. And third, a living slime blob just ate Kasuto. Not that's important or anything, a little death won't kill him, just thought that would be worth mentioning."
"Ah. Okay." And so Link went back to trying to figure out Zelda's Lullaby.
Several hours later, the group finally stepped into the Boss Room of the Kakariko Well. There were many hands, seemingly used as a decoration, strewn about the room. They were all stuck elbow-first in the ground, and all were pointed rigidly at the ceiling.
There was no boss.
"Alright, what're we going to do now?" asked Navi, turning to the other two. "Hey!" She had to fly between Link and Kasuto as they got into yet another fight over the Rupee that they had found earlier. "No more killing each other, and no more trying to kill me! I'll do to you what I did to Luigi right before he won that mansion of his." Navi thought for a moment. "I wonder how he's doing, anyway? I should visit him sometime, catch him up on my new ways of torture."
Obligatory shiver scene.
"I'll pen him in for next Monday," she decided. Meanwhile, Link was off talking to each of the severed hands along the walls.
"I love you, I love you, I love you, burn in hell bitch, I love you…"
Apparently, the hand didn't take well to being told to burn in hell. It whipped out, snatching a screaming Link around the middle and hoisting him in the air.
It was then that Dead Hand made his appearance, coming out of nowhere to appear over Kasuto's shoulder.
He screamed, Navi laughed, Dead Hand bit off his head.
"Mmm… Crushed banana, my favorite."
"Die monster! You don't belong in this world!" yelled Link, pulling out his sword.
"It was not by my hand that I am once again given flesh. I was called here by humans who wish to pay me tribute." Dead Hand chuckled at the thought.
"Tribute? You steal men's souls, and make them your slaves!"
"Perhaps the same could be said of all religions." Dead Hand was enjoying himself.
"Your words are as empty as your soul! Mankind ill-needs a savior such as you!" Now Link was hopping mad.
"What is a man?" A glass appeared in Dead Hand's… hand, and he threw it at the ground. "Nothing but a miserable pile of secrets! But enough talk...have at you!"
And so they charged, and it was an epic battle that would give the world their filling of epic zombie slaying for the next few months. Until Dead Hand finally noticed something unusual about Link's appearance, from being grabbed by one of his severed hands earlier. "…Uh, what happened to your clothes?"
"Your mom's washing them for me."
"BURN!" yelled Kasuto.
"Aren't you supposed to be dead? I mean, I did bite off your head, after all. It tasted like bananas, by the way, what the hell have you been smoking, and can I have some?"
"I got better! And marijuana, and no."
"Screw you."
This distraction was all that Link needed to finally stab Dead Hand… dead. The zombie exploded into nothing, mangled pieces of rotting flesh flying in all directions. The charred body parts made a bloody caricature of red along the walls of the confined room. Several pieces of brain matter flew into the palms of the severed hands lining the walls, making them wiggle around like a naked hula dancer that had just gotten high. And, to top it all off, Navi pulled a purple lens with spikes and a funky red/blue lens out of the chest that appeared after Dead Hand's defeat; they were perfect for finding out the secrets of the abd guys, the good guys, and anybody else that got in her way.
In short, it was freaking awesome.
"That was cool and explody!" A piece of Dead Hand flew into Link's open mouth. "And now it's not cool. Ew, brains." Link shuddered.
(scene break)
As the group climbed out of the well, they were attacked by an egg, thrown by a pink... dinosaur thing, with a bow on top of its head, and a round mouth that was spitting eggs at the group. It was something very familiar to every Nintendite that ever wondered about the universe they worshiped.
Navi pulled out a machete and, without breaking eye contact with the thing, rolled her tongue over the sharp end of the blade. The thing collapsed out of fear at the sight of a cute little fairy licking the blade of a machete, all the while with a glint in her eye that spoke of untold pain awaiting whatever was at the sharp end of the blade.
It was then that Link realized something. "Awesome! I finally get to find out Birdo's gender!" he cried, using Kasuto as a human shield from Navi. Link pulled the Lens of Truth out, putting it over his eye; all the while making sure that he kept his hold on the other.
Link fainted at the sight that awaited him within the lens.
And that's why we don't stand around when a zombie explodes, no matter how pretty said explosion may be. And also why Birdo's gender is a secret to everyone. Bad things happen when either or both occur.