Chapter 25

Monday...

Tim took a deep breath and stepped off the elevator...then, he let it out with a sigh of relief when the bullpen below him was empty. There was no guarantee that he'd beat them here, not if there was a case going or if Gibbs just decided to...

The elevator doors dinged and Tim was treated to an interesting sight. Gibbs walked over to his desk, sat down and then looked over at Tim's desk just for a moment. He pulled out a badge, fingered it and then put it out of sight. Tim crept along the balcony, knowing that the only reason Gibbs hadn't seen him yet was because he'd remained motionless and because Gibbs hadn't thought to look up.

Tim only breathed easily once he made it into the outer office...and got a strange look from Vance's assistant.

"Is Director Vance in?" Tim asked, trying to be nonchalant, when he felt anything but.

"Yes, he's expecting you, Agent McGee. You can go on in."

"Thank you." Tim walked to the door, took a deep breath and stepped inside.

"Agent McGee, have a seat."

"Thank you, sir." Tim sat and felt all the nerves he'd managed to avoid...or to be completely honest, all the fear he'd managed to suppress.

"Now, what can I do for you?"

"I...I'd like to try working...here...again."

"Are you sure, Agent McGee?"

"Sure that I want to try...but..." Tim looked down. "...but I don't know...it might not work out. I've...said things that might make it impossible. ...and I don't want my personal problems to keep NCIS from fulfilling its mission in any way. ...but I'd like to try."

"You want to go back to Gibbs' team?"

"Yes, sir."

"After all that happened?"

"If they'll have me, sir."

"You think they won't?"

"I don't know, Director." Tim thought of his Dad correcting his posture. He sat up. "They may not want to work with me. It might be too hard, too awkward, for them...or for me. In either case, it could adversely affect the way we do our jobs and if that happens, I shouldn't be here at all."

Vance's expression was carefully arranged to be merely curious.

"It's the easiest course of action from a bureaucratic standpoint, but, Agent McGee, I'd like to know why you want to come back here when only two weeks ago you were saying you never wanted to see any of them again."

"Because I...love working here."

"Even with these people you felt cared so little for you?"

"That's why I said I'm going to try. I don't know what they'll say, what they'll do. My reaction was as much because of me as because of what they did and said." Tim sighed. "It was, as my dad would say, a concatenation of circumstances."

"How is your father?"

"Doing much better. He should be released soon."

"Agent McGee, I have few qualms about restoring you to your position on Gibbs' team, but that requires some assurances on your part. As you yourself admitted, this could be too awkward a situation and while I value your skills, I have to think about NCIS as a whole, not just about one team, no matter how good they are. I understand that the circumstances surrounding this event were extreme, but no matter how valid your reasons, I have to know that this kind of chaos isn't going to happen again. Your explosion, departure and subsequent accident, which I know was not your fault, severely hampered the ability of my MCRT to respond. I can't run the risk of that happening, perhaps while a case is going on. Do you understand my worry?"

"Yes, Director, I do. I'm not actually ready to come back full time yet. My doctor has already lectured me on trying to do too much too soon. What I wanted was...to...to talk to them, to ask them if they wanted me back, to see if it's possible. If they say no, that makes it easy. You can...let me quit or transfer me or whatever."

"Can you trust them?"

"With my life," Tim answered instantly. "I've never doubted that."

"Just not your...for lack of a better term, your heart?"

Tim flushed.

"Yeah, I know. It sounds like a soap opera."

Tim smiled. "Yes, Director. ...trust takes time, but I'd like to see if it's possible."

"And how long do you think you'll give it a try?"

"I don't know. Do you need a date?"

"No, Agent McGee," Vance said with a sympathetic smile. "As long as NCIS is operating smoothly, I don't need a date. I just need your assurance."

"Some of the things that...that led to me...freaking out...they happened a long time ago and I just never really dealt with them. I'm working on it."

"This scares you, doesn't it. Trying to come back like this."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Only because I know to look for it."

"For what?"

"You've never seen you psych profile, have you?"

"Only...a small part...once...a couple years ago."

"Well, let's just say that I can adequately imagine the kind of thing that might have made this most recent event unbearable."

Tim opened his mouth to explain.

"No, Agent McGee, I won't ask you to tell me. I do think you should mention it to Gibbs at least. It might help him better interact with you as your supervisor. They have no case running at the moment, although, as you well know, there's no guarantee that situation will last. You can use a conference room to keep this slightly more private than the last time you were with them all."

Tim flushed again.

"I'll send them in to you when they all arrive."

"Thank you, sir. I really..."

"Don't thank me. It's in my best interest to have you around and to have my teams working together well. You generally have. I'd like to that to be the case again."

"So would I."

"Well, then, we'll see if that can happen."

"Thank you, sir."

"Conference room three."

"Yes, Director." Tim stood and walked out.

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"Hey, Ziva." Tony said, catching up with her as they headed inside.

"McGee is back," she said without preamble.

"Really? Did you talk to him?"

"No, I just saw that there was a light on in his apartment. I did not think another invasion of his privacy would be welcome."

"You think he went home?"

"Yes. Where else would he go?"

"How about here?" Henry suggested as he checked their IDs.

"What?"

"Agent McGee came in this morning. Real early. Even beat Agent Gibbs."

"Really?"

"No, I'm joking, Agent DiNozzo...yes, really."

"You think he's packing his stuff?" Tony asked Ziva.

Henry was rather enjoying his position of greater knowledge. "Hasn't come out yet and wasn't packing a box inside."

"Thank you, Henry," Ziva said and walked to the elevator.

They rode up together, both expecting to see Tim at his desk...and they were disappointed when he wasn't there. Only Gibbs was there, sitting at his desk, working.

"Morning, Boss!" Tony said, slinging his bag down and settling in his chair.

"Don't get comfortable."

"New case?"

"Nope. Meeting."

Ziva looked confused. "A meeting? For what?"

"Vance set it up," Gibbs said. "Whenever you two deigned to show up. Conference room 3." He stood and started to walk to the stairs, paused and turned around. They were both staring at him. "Are you waiting for invitations? Let's go!"

Ziva and Tony dropped their stuff and ran.

"On your six, Boss."

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim sat anxiously on a chair. He'd paced a little but he knew the time that Tony and Ziva generally arrived and he was waiting now for the three of them to step in the door. He didn't know what he was going to say...not exactly. He knew that there were things that needed to be said, but even though he'd tried to imagine how this conversation might go, he really had no idea.

The door opened, Gibbs in the lead, of course, Tony and Ziva behind asking what was going on.

"I mean, a meeting in the conference room, first thing in the morning? Why? What's the point when we just– Probie!"

"Hi, guys," Tim said. He nearly stood up, but wasn't sure his legs would hold him.

"What's going on? I thought we were meeting with Vance."

"No, it's with me. I asked for it."

"What for?" Ziva asked.

"I...I need to...to talk to you all."

Gibbs sat down without speaking. Ziva closed the door and then sat down as well. Tony followed suit.

"About what?"

"There are..." Tim trailed off awkwardly. Say what you need to say, Tim. "...there are some things I need to say to you and...they're going to be hard enough. I'd like to ask you to wait and let me finish."

"About what?"

"About...why I did what I did."

"Don't we know this already?" Tony asked.

"No, you don't, Tony. You don't know all of it. I didn't want to tell you...it's not something I like to think about and it's not...something I like people knowing about me. But my dad clued me in to a few things in the last week."

"How is your father?" Ziva asked.

"He's fine."

"Is this about him?"

"No...well...yes, but not exactly in the way you mean."

"Do we need to know this, McGee?" Gibbs asked. It was a genuine question.

"Yeah, Boss, you do. You need to understand what was going on because you don't, not really. It's important that you understand so that you can answer the question I have."

"Go ahead. Talk."

Tim smiled wanly. "Okay. First of all...I'm..." This was probably the hardest thing for him to say. "...I'm sorry for the way I exploded. It wasn't all because of you."

Tony opened his mouth to protest.

Tim's smile widened for a moment. "Oh, don't worry, Tony. I'm still blaming you for a lot of it. I'm not big enough to take it all on myself." Tony subsided, looking sheepish. "But it wasn't all you. Some of it is from...things that happened a long time ago."

"Like what?"

Tim looked down at his hand, at the stitches again. They'd be coming out soon. It was a good thing, too, because they itched like crazy. His fingers were tracing the grain of the wood.

"I'm sure you all know already that I had some problems with bullying in high school. Even if you didn't know it specifically, it's pretty obvious, right?" Tim heard the bitterness and cleared his throat, not daring to look at his teammates. "It was all through high school. The worst of them was a guy who used to be my best friend. He felt he had to prove that we weren't friends by being...really nasty to me. Most of the time, it wasn't much. It was constant but...not intense. They'd shove me around in the halls, steal my books, stuff like that. I hated it, but I was...used to it."

There was some uncomfortable shuffling and Tim almost looked up, but not quite. This was too hard to relate, even now.

"After my accident in high school, after I got off my crutches and my dad was home...I...I walked in on him when he was getting ready to commit suicide." Tim said the sentence in a rush. There were no gasps in the following silence, just a complete stillness. "He was...committed, put on suicide watch and all that. I was...I was really mad at him. I felt like he'd betrayed me because he'd said he was fine and all the while he was getting ready to kill himself." Tim paused again. This time there was some stirring.

"I would never have guessed that..." Tony trailed off as Tim looked up at him and looked embarrassed for having interrupted. Tim gave a weak smile.

"You wouldn't now. We didn't tell many people about it, only a couple of close friends and some relatives. ...and...well...um...Dan, my former friend, called me after this happened and he...he invited me to a party. He said they were celebrating me walking on my own two legs again." Tim dropped his gaze back to the table, although he could see the length of it, see Ziva's hands clasped and resting on the edge, Tony's arm and elbow. "I believed him. I was so mad at my dad and I thought I could have my friend back again and it would be better. Something really stupid like that anyway. ...but he lied. It was...it wasn't a party. It was...um...a paintball fight and I was the only target."

Ziva's hands seemed to tighten. Her knuckles were white and Tony's arm and elbow disappeared from Tim's view.

"Dan took the first shot, hit me in the face. It was...bad. I swore I'd never go back to school, that I never wanted to see them again, that...that I wasn't even going to leave the house until it was time for me to finally leave and go to MIT. That's all I wanted. They hadn't cared about me at all. They just wanted to make my life miserable."

"Man, McGee. That's..."

"Yeah. ...and I should have realized that you're not really like that. They wanted to hurt me. You don't...not most of the time." Tim sighed and lifted his head. "I hadn't realized that I was feeling the same way before. They...I didn't have a name to them. I was just a geek and that's what they called me. I'm still just a geek...and sometimes, I find that I'm really...really bothered by it. Not always but sometimes." He cleared his throat. "...this...this doesn't excuse my behavior, but it might go some way toward explaining it, explaining why I was so determined not to believe you. I didn't want to be taken in again."

"So...what's the question?" Tony asked after an uncomfortable silence.

"I...um...I want to come back to work here...with you."

"Why?" Tony asked.

"Because...I...do like it." Tim found his eyes shifting away from the trio and he forced them back. "I'll admit that there are things I don't like...and I know that you won't really change. You shouldn't, not just because of me."

"You think it is worth it?" Ziva asked.

"I want to try, but it's not really up to me. It should be up to you. I'm the one with the problem. If you don't think it's possible, then I'll...do something else."

"You're making it our decision?" Tony asked incredulously.

Tim nodded. "Boss?"

Gibbs was staring without speaking, as he had since he had told Tim to start talking.

"What, McGee?"

"Are you willing to take me back?"

Gibbs looked at him speculatively. "You're right, McGee, we're not going to change a whole lot...but that doesn't mean that there aren't some things that should change. Can you trust us enough to let us work on it? Can you trust us enough to tell us when it's a problem?"

"I can try."

"Then, so can we."

"I'm not ready for anything beyond desk duty right now. It'll be a few weeks more." Tim was hesitant.

"Are you ready now?"

Tim nodded, feeling a strange sense of disbelief at the ease with which Gibbs had accepted it.

"Good. We could use your help."

Tim nodded again, but he wasn't quite sure his legs would hold him. Gibbs stood and headed for the door while Tony and Ziva lingered.

"You two have work to do, I'm assuming."

"Yeah, Boss." Tony nodded and walked out. Ziva gave Tim a glance over her shoulder but left as well. Gibbs stopped before leaving and turned back.

"I think this is yours, McGee," he said and slid Tim's badge across the table.

"I'm sorry I hit you," Tim said as he stared at it.

"It was a good shot."

"I never did hit any of them back."

"Maybe you should have."

Tim shook his head. "It wouldn't have helped."

"You're probably right. McGee, I'm sorry."

"For what?" Tim asked, picking up the badge and holding it gently.

"For hanging up on Sarah and for treating you with contempt."

"Hey...what are friends for?" Tim asked, shrugging and trying to smile.

"Not for that," Gibbs said seriously. "Are you sure you want to come back here?"

"Yes."

"But you're not sure if you can?"

"Yes."

"We'll try, McGee. Can't promise any more than that."

"I know."

"Go talk to Abby before you start working."

Tim winced.

"She'll find out and freak out, McGee. You might as well forestall that."

Tim nodded and pushed himself to his feet, relieved that he made it...in more ways than one. Now, however, there was Abby...

x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Tim stood outside the door to Abby's lab for a few minutes, thinking how much he was not looking forward to seeing her. Jethro was still with Gibbs he assumed and he was extremely ambivalent about taking the dog back. There was too much baggage behind his relationship with Abby and at this moment, of all the people at NCIS, he was most worried about interacting with Abby the most. Still...she was part of his problem...or his problems involved her...or however you wanted to put it. He stepped in.

Music was playing loudly and Abby was hard at work. She hadn't looked back; so either the music was too loud or she was just expecting someone else.

"Hey, Abby."

Abby straightened from her hunched position, staring straight ahead before she carefully turned around, the expression on her face one of shock...and a bit of anxiety.

"Hi...Tim." She took one step and then stopped, probably more awkward than Tim himself was. The space between was a whole lot wider than the ten feet which physically separated them. "What are you doing here?"

"I...am...working."

"You quit."

"Apparently not."

"I heard you."

"I remember saying it."

"You threw your badge at Gibbs...and you hit him."

"I think that only impressed him."

"You yelled at everyone."

"Yes, I did."

"You yelled at me."

"Yes, I did."

They stared at each other. If it weren't for the ear-splitting music, the lab would have been silent.

"...and...I'm...sorry, Tim." She looked down.

"You didn't know it was my mom."

"I didn't even think enough to bother asking. I was thinking only about me." She looked up. "...like I always do."

"Abby..." Tim didn't get a chance to speak because Abby was off to the races.

"I mean, do you know what I was talking about when you got in your car accident? I was telling Gibbs that you couldn't possibly hate Jethro because he's a dog. I wasn't thinking about the fact that I'd been such a jerk, that I'd only been concerned about me, me, me, me. Even after we found out what happened and where you were, I was only worried about you being mad at me, not about why or what I'd done...because I don't like thinking about being the one at fault. I don't want to think about being wrong or being mean...because I'm not a mean person, Tim! I'm nice! I rescue animals and hug people! I'm not mean! ...but look! Even now, I'm talking about me and not about you and how mean I was to you. I was really mean, Tim. It was terrible of me to treat you like that and it was horrible of me to ignore the fact that something was wrong just because I wasn't getting my way. I mean, I'm such a child sometimes...and not in the cute way kids are childs...children. I'm a child like a brat...not a brat...a bratwurst or anything but..."

Tim was holding back a smile by the middle of Abby's speech. The end almost undid him...and probably would have if she had kept it up. ...but she didn't. She stopped and looked at him, biting her lip in the way she had.

"I'm so sorry, Tim. I never meant to drive you away. I've missed you. I even thought about making a fake you...but I didn't think you'd be coming back...ever."

"A week ago, I would have agreed."

"Why did you come back?"

"Because I can't think of anywhere else I'd rather be."

"So...you're really back?"

Tim nodded.

"It's not going to be the same, though, is it."

"Probably not...especially not at first." Tim hitched one shoulder. "Trust takes time, Abby."

"Will you be here so...I can take the time?"

"Yeah. I will."

"Can I give you a hug?"

Tim finally had to smile. "Maybe a soft one. I'm not ready for your usual attack pattern."

Abby crossed the great divide and put her arms around him. It wasn't her normal hug. It didn't have the manic energy attached. It was a testing of the waters. She let him go after a few seconds.

"I have to get to work, Abby."

"So do I, Tim."

Tim nodded and left. Outside the lab, he let out the breath he'd been holding. It would definitely take time.

"...but at least I have it to take." He nodded to himself and walked to the elevator...

...to get back to work.