Lilies Say Sorry
Are You Okay?
Amelia's eyes flickered over the apropos title on the front of the leaflet she'd picked up on her way to the small cafe a short distance from the florist; she'd decided to eat her lunch in a more public space as opposed to the small, cramped staff room that often felt more like a prison than a lounge, and with an idle resolve, she had plucked up a leaflet on psychotherapy as she'd passed the doctor's surgery.
I'm not okay, she thought to herself wryly as she stirred cream into her coffee; she was tired, tired of having to deal with every obstacle life threw at her - it wouldn't have been so bad if the obstacles were reasonably-sized hurdles every now and again, but they were more like the looming heights of snow-peaked mountains that only made Amelia want to give up and throw in the towel.
Even getting out of bed to head to work in the morning was akin to scaling the wall of a mile-high ravine without the use of climbing equipment.
Impossible - that was how Amelia would describe it. Her struggles were speedily approaching a level that was far beyond her ability to traverse, and she saw no possible way of overcoming her issues of isolation and loneliness.
And yet, she had picked up the leaflet, meaning that there was still a tiny, fighting fragment of her mind that wanted her to take control and do everything she could to combat the spiralling depression she had been once again sucked into.
Despite her exhaustion, a cloudy anger kicked up inside her as she read through the thin pages of the informational pamphlet, growing more reacquainted with the memories associated with her previous therapist; she wasn't even sure if her anger towards the man had been justified or if it was completely irrational and just a symptom of her frustration at the time.
She'd felt as though her mind had reached an impasse, and that her therapist was the one in denial, telling her that progress was being made while she felt very much trapped in a dead end; the man constantly repeating 'trust me, we are making headway', very much the pinnacle of condescension.
Finding it hard to think positively? Lacking motivation? Feeling stressed?
Yes, yes, and yes, Amelia sighed, folding the leaflet to slot into her bag. She would have a more thorough look at the self-referral section that evening, instead of wasting valuable time that could be spent devouring her lunch; she'd already reprimanded herself at forgetting to eat breakfast, and her stomach was ready to protest her negligence with embarrassingly loud rumbles.
Amelia rubbed her weary eyes and turned her attention to the rather delicious looking, toasted cinnamon bagel sitting on the plate before her; as she began to indulge in the spicy-sweet treat, she allowed her mind to wander, vacantly observing the other occupants of the cosy little coffee shop she had sat down in.
She had expected the little cafe to be bustling with life at one o'clock in the afternoon, but there was surprisingly only a few people engaged in their lunch or nattering conversations with each other; Amelia counted a total of six other people, not including the barista. There was a young man and woman, probably in their early twenties, sitting close together in one of the soft-seat booths - most likely a couple given how comfortable they seemed with casual, affectionate touches - and they appeared to be talking animatedly about some topic surrounding the textbook they were reading out of.
So, Amelia inwardly surmised, they were probably college students. She sighed after swallowing her mouthful of bagel, focusing her gaze on the fond looks the man and woman were sharing; it seemed even long after Valentine's Day, she still could not escape the presence of other people in love. Still, she averted her stare and tried not to think about it, very conscious of how unfair her stale thoughts on romance might appear to two little lovebirds minding their own business. Amelia did not want to be that kind of person.
At the other end of the cafe, a mother sat with an infant in her arms, and her young, adolescent daughter - probably aged ten or eleven - perched opposite who was currently in the process of picking apart a chocolate muffin and taking meticulous little bites. The sight brought a smile to Amelia's face; the infant couldn't have been more than a few months old, and the mother cradled the baby, gently rocking back and forth as she lulled the newborn into a content slumber - she did so with calm experience, like she knew exactly what she was doing.
Amelia had often thought about having children - they were fleeting thoughts that only generally popped up when she was in the presence of babies, which was rarely, and merely looking upon a quiet, adorable newborn's face was enough to make her brain go 'I want a baby right now, immediately!' - a concept that she fought with all her might because she knew above everything that she was nowhere near ready for children, and unless she managed to flip her life around, she never would be. The joy that arose whenever Amelia caught sight of a baby was always followed by the somber realisation that she would probably never have one of her own.
The final inhabitant of the coffee shop, aside from herself, was a middle-aged man in a well tailored suit, tapping away feverishly on his phone - Amelia couldn't tell if he was a workaholic sending a hysterical email to a coworker or just really enjoying a compelling little app game on his shift break; his expression lacked any countenance, revealing absolutely nothing to a nosy outsider's point of view, but as a whole, Amelia would describe the man as unapproachable.
There was something about people-watching that brought a small slice of comfort to Amelia; to be reminded that other people existed - that the universe did not revolve around her and her plights, and there were others living their lives even as she struggled with her own, that even though she had no friends or family left around her, she wasn't entirely alone. She knew nothing of the lives of these people - any one of them could have faced traumatic experiences similar to her own; they could have lost loved ones in harrowing circumstances, they could have spent time feeling like they were completely and utterly unloved, they could have felt the harsh reality of heartbreak and betrayal.
But they could have fought it, and survived their hardships, and they could now be the happiest they've ever been in their lives.
Maybe one day, Amelia would be able to say the words 'I am the happiest I have ever been', and it would be the truth. Maybe.
She knew, deep down, that that was the reason she had swiped up the psychotherapy leaflet - always looking out for that one restorative spark in a beacon of hope - because if there was even a chance that it could lead to her mental recovery, it was worth it. It was her only choice, really. She refused to see herself fall into a suicidal pit of despair once more. Never again.
Amelia had thought once that killing herself would stop things from getting worse, but now she realised that wasn't the case - suicide simply eliminated the possibility of things ever getting better, and despite the constant prod in her mind telling her to just surrender to her sadness, she had been feeling particularly determined the last few weeks.
"...known criminal, Loki, is reportedly residing in Manhattan under the watchful eyes of the Avengers…"
Up until that point, Amelia had very easily drowned out the monotonous voice drifting from the television in the corner of the cafe, but upon hearing that name, she felt her heart almost leap from her chest, her gaze shooting up to the breaking news report at a speed so impressive that it was a miracle she didn't give herself whiplash.
"Tony Stark, CEO of Stark Industries and leader of the Avengers, insists the people of New York have nothing to fear, and that Loki is - I quote - no longer up to his old tricks. We are still waiting for an official, on-the-record statement."
Amelia's eyes twitched, her gaze shifting to the others in the room with a nervous flutter in her stomach; she expected to see horrified looks on the faces around her, but was greeted with unalarmed expressions yielding a mix of vague apprehension and scepticism as they looked upon the television screen.
They didn't look surprised - was this old news? Did people already know that Loki was back?
At once, she was assaulted by agitating ripples in her chest, forcing her to put down her half-eaten bagel, for there was no chance she could continue to eat it while her stomach was performing constant backflips inside of her.
Amelia had spent over a month avoiding any and all thoughts that had begun to drift towards the man she tried so valiantly to forget, but after the experiences they had shared together, happy memories were not so effortlessly discarded - especially for Amelia, somebody of which happiness did not easily come to. But now, just as Amelia had developed a promising little glint of hope that she could find it in her heart to move on, she was reminded just how much of an influence Loki had had on her.
Amelia took a sip of her still-scalding coffee in an attempt to calm the anxious spasms in her body, struggling to clearly make out every word the news reporter spoke. "Um, e-excuse me?" Amelia called to the barista - a young, asian man with neatly plucked eyebrows - and swallowed the nervous stutter in her mouth as he turned to look curiously at her, "Could you turn the volume up, please?" She pointed to the screen with a shaky hand.
"Sure", the barista replied, doing just that, and Amelia was suddenly very aware that the young couple to her right were staring directly at her.
Amelia tried to ignore them, instead centering her attention on the ongoing news segment that appeared to be a repeat of an earlier report.
"At precisely 10:02 last night, the dangerous individual known as Loki was spotted amongst the Avengers after a successful rescue mission following a kidnapping. The kidnapped child in question, the six-year old daughter of senator Richard Collins, was observed to be unconscious in the clutches of the notorious villain as they approached the scene." There was a grainy snapshot of the described scenario on the screen, pointing out Loki as he carried the child in his arms, and Amelia felt her jaw hang open at the sight.
"Is this the first you're hearing of this?"
She dragged her eyes away from the television as the college girl to her right spoke to her, there was a hint of sympathy in her tone and it was clear that she had deduced Amelia was quite frazzled by the breaking news announcement, but perhaps for the wrong reason entirely. Amelia nodded, her thoughts rushing so vehemently that she wasn't entirely trusting of her voice at that moment.
"It's been all over the news since early this morning, everyone's been talking about it, I'm surprised it still hasn't reached everyone", she remarked, and Amelia gave an uncomfortable, restrained hum in response, looking slowly back to the newscast for any further information. She wasn't entirely connected with reality, never one to sit down and watch the news or browse the internet for current events, nor did she really find the need to eavesdrop on the gossip of people around her, so that was why she was only just now hearing about Loki's return apparently going public - and aiding the Avengers, no less.
At least, that's what Amelia inferred from the blurry image offered - the correspondent seemed to pointedly remind everyone that Loki was a wanted criminal.
"What happened, exactly?" Amelia enquired to the couple when the newswoman began to refresh the memories of the events that took place five years prior, recounting all the destruction and deaths that Loki was abundantly responsible for.
"Well, from what I understand", the girl's boyfriend quickly interjected, sounding very opinionated, "Loki is helping out the Avengers now, because he's suddenly had a change of heart", he sounded dubious as he spoke, flipping his blond bangs out of his eyes, obviously forking sarcasm into his words, "I mean, look at the guy, he's got to have ill intentions. You don't just change from a homicidal maniac to a charitable hero overnight."
Amelia could sense from the way the girl eyed her boyfriend that there had been some debate between them regarding the occurrence, and that they didn't see eye to eye on Loki's supposed altered alignment. She had to admit, she did not expect to see Loki assisting those who he once deemed as lesser beings 'that were made to be ruled'.
"Come on, Dean", the girl mumbled, "I never said he was a charitable hero, I just said that he might be turning over a new leaf, trying to make up for what he did in the past-"
"Sarah, he's a literal psychopath", Dean argued, "Don't try and humanise him. He isn't human, you know."
Amelia drowned out the quarrelling couple, trying to swim through her own rampant thoughts; had the Avengers actually convinced Loki to reform and better himself for the benefit of humanity? Or was there a hidden agenda? Was Loki only appearing helpful and altruistic in front of a camera because he believed she might come running back to him if he carried out a few good deeds?
This was too much to mull over, and Amelia's lunch break was almost over, she needed to return to the florist and finish her shift - but God knows how she was going to fall back into the monotony of serving customers while this development was stewing away in her mind.
"Oh, hey-" the girl, Sarah, spoke up as Amelia rushed to collect her belongings, "You should totally check out the original footage and draw your own conclusion. Don't let a bias news reporter tell you how you should feel", she advised, offering a small, empathetic smile.
Amelia was floored with the populace's ability to remain composed and continue about their day despite the potentially worrying news that Loki had returned - when she'd discovered the truth, she had been rife with panic and fear. It was slowly occurring to her that maybe she had the tendency to overthink and make brash assumptions.
There was something placating about the way this stranger spoke to her, and she felt a wave of welcomed geniality from this woman who offered her words with the intent to encourage the alleviation of fear.
"I don't understand", Amelia murmured, "Why are you all so calm?" She glanced around the cafe as various eyes turned to her - even the young girl with her chocolate muffin turned around as she was inadvertently addressed.
"I trust Tony Stark knows what he's doing", Sarah responded, a ray of sanguineness in her friendly eyes, "I don't think he would stand for Loki being back on Earth if he felt he was a liability, which means we clearly don't know all the facts. Stark's supposed to be making a formal statement later, so before you get flustered, wait and see what he has to say." She turned to her boyfriend with a pointed look and even he admitted the truth in her words with a nod of his head and a roll of his eyes.
"The girl's right, lady. We don't have time to run around like headless chickens", said the middle-aged man sitting at the counter by himself, "This is America! Life is constantly on the move. There's no good or bad people, there's just people that do good or bad things and we need to accept that this Loki fellow might be a lot more complex than everybody originally thought."
Amelia blinked, nodding lightly before turning her attention to the mother and her two children near the back of the cafe. The mother looked admittedly concerned, a troubled expression on her face as she worried her lower lip with her teeth, but it was her young daughter that spoke up.
"We don't need to be scared. Thor won't let any bad things happen to us, and if he believes that his brother can be good, then I believe so too", she stated, licking her lips free of chocolate, "My mum was scared too, but I told her that the Avengers will look out for us - because it's true! No matter what happens, they'll protect us!" Ah, the optimism of a child - Amelia missed such positive thinking.
The girl's mother smiled at her words, evidently proud of her child's brave disposition, but the presence of trepidation was still very apparent in her expression, and Amelia bit her lip, allowing a wobbly smile onto her face at the young girl's wholesome proclamation.
Amelia looked curiously to the asian man behind the counter, who was leaning against it with his arms crossed, a bright look on his face, wondering if he had any words he wanted to throw in as the rest of these people offered gratuitous, amiable enlightenment.
The barista smiled apologetically, shaking his head with a shrug of his shoulders, "I'm not good at comforting people, but, uh, I agree that you shouldn't agonise over what might happen - just continue with your day and try not to fret, miss."
Amelia bit her lip as she smiled, a little sentimental by the comforting words of these strangers, and wiped her eyes free of her welling emotions, uttering an impassioned 'thank you so much' to the group before she went on her way, walking back to the florist with newfound assurance.
Every so often, something would happen that would restore her faith in the world she lived in - for example, despite the fact that this group of people had misinterpreted Amelia's apprehension as a whole different kind of fear, her heart was warmed by how easily they came together to try and soothe her worries, even though she had never met them before.
Things weren't always black and white, as the middle-aged man had helpfully implied, everything had convoluted layers that Amelia was too stubborn to actually focus on and pick apart - she made audacious presuppositions that did nothing but fuel her anxiety and her anger and her sorrows.
Amelia had made an assumption about the sweet, academic couple sat in the booth - they looked to be ludicrously sappy, utterly captivated by their love for each other, perhaps to the point that they would allow their hearts to rule them instead of their brains, but the opposition had in fact been true - they were young and fond of each other, but they had their own opinions, they had disagreements and stood by their beliefs just like anybody should.
She had assumed the experienced mother was the picture of composure, collected and tranquil in the face of her children, the type who knew exactly what to do when a problem arose, and whose advice was followed completely and without question. But the mother had simply been wearing a mask to cover her fear over the fact that the once-villainous Loki was back again, and her young child had been the one to quell her worries, and had perhaps even convinced her mother to take them to the cafe under the promise that the Avengers would ensure nothing bad came upon the city.
Then there was the man in the tailored suit, appearing as though he had no time for idle chit-chat, too busy working on his phone - or playing an addictive app game - to even give somebody else the time of day. But she had been wrong again. The middle-aged man had offered her insightful words of reassurance in response to the bubbling distress of a woman he did not know. Amelia's judgement was not always right.
Humanity as a whole was strong, and perhaps she could be too.
The first thing Amelia did when she returned home that evening was turn on her laptop and scan the internet for the original report that had broadcasted in the early hours of the day, making sure to flick over to the news channel on her television for Tony Stark's imminent address to the general public.
It didn't take her long to unearth the original, raw footage, and Amelia felt her heart pound in her chest as she hovered over the 'play' button, before mustering up her nerve and clicking on the trackpad.
The image was clearer than it had appeared on the small television screen in the cafe earlier in the day, and Amelia watched raptly as the scene played out. Her eyes went immediately to Iron Man, with his shiny red suit automatically drawing attention, and beside him, Loki walked, holding the rescued child securely in his arms, with Thor and Bruce Banner to his left.
Amelia's hand rose to her mouth and she fidgeted, nibbling on the skin of her fingers as she squinted to absorb Loki's appearance, her gaze particularly focused on his body language and that of the others around him. She could make out that Loki was dressed in leather armour of dark colours, and that he walked rather stiffly, his face revealing an almost tired look of irritation as Tony Stark spoke to him.
It was difficult to tell what was being said between them - they were so far from the camera that they had yet to notice it, and the movement of the image was a little clunky, making it impossible to even attempt to read Stark's lip movements, but the billionaire had a complacent smile on his face so it could only have been something smug.
Thor looked happy, watching his brother with an undoubtedly pleased grin - even though Loki did not glance his way at all - and his gaze occasionally flitted to the sleeping child slumped in Loki's protective grip. As clear as day, Amelia could tell that Thor was proud of his brother.
Banner stepped alongside them, hands in his pockets, his hair in quite a hectic state, and Amelia wondered if he'd transformed into the Hulk during his mission or if there had just been a tremendous amount of ducking'n'diving; regardless, the man wore a subdued smirk, listening amusedly to what Stark was saying.
As they grew closer, the camera zoomed out slightly, revealing several cars and faceless individuals, as well as an ambulance and a couple paramedics that were presumably there to examine the child for any injuries. When Loki caught sight of the medics, he shifted his hold on the girl, ignoring Stark as he prepared to transfer the child over to the care of the medical professionals, but the little girl stirred, her grip around his neck loosening briefly as she awoke, before growing tight once again, like she didn't want to let him go.
From this, Amelia could only extrapolate that the girl felt comfortable with Loki, which further implied that he treated her amicably throughout the rescue mission, and that thought alone set her heart aflutter.
Funny how the news report that afternoon hadn't thought to show this part of the footage.
Loki pried the girl's hands from his neck, gentle but firm, and handed her to one of the paramedics despite her protests, a surprising note of patience on his face as he dealt with the squirming child - and as he let her go, a stuffed toy fell from her clasp. Before the child had even registered that her teddy had taken a tumble, Loki bent down to retrieve it, returning it safely to her care.
The simple gesture was submerged in selflessness and kindness, two pure traits that Loki passionately refuted were at all a part of him, and yet this footage was unequivocal evidence that he did harbour the potential for goodwill.
And to see him conduct this benevolence for a child, well, it was sweet and honourable, and begged Amelia to view him in a new light - that was, if he wasn't simply putting on an act to appear praiseworthy to the rest of the world.
The cameraman, in a moment of boldness, stepped closer, and a woman holding a microphone appeared in view as they apparently mustered up the courage to approach the once-villain, though it was clear from their slow steps and rigid movements that they were still very much afraid of Loki.
There was a brief second in which Tony Stark's voice became perceptible as he said a few words to Loki, but it was just incomprehensible audio, and it was promptly cut off as Stark motioned the journalist to come closer. Loki turned just as the woman began to speak, a vague expression of bewilderment flickering over his face before he noticed the camera.
"H-hi, I'm Laura Simmons with GNN News-" She didn't get any further before a frightened yelp escaped her mouth as Loki swatted the camera away.
"Point that thing at me again and you will regret it", was Loki's muffled threat as the camera was camera image showed only the ground, the journalist obviously having taken the intimidating remark with all the seriousness it entailed.
The cursory sound of Tony Stark trying to reason with Loki could be heard, followed swiftly by Loki barking a rather articulate insult towards the CEO, and the recording promptly reached its end.
Amelia closed her laptop and exhaled a taxed sigh, mulling over what she had just witnessed; Loki had appeared decent up until the end of the recording, but she supposed he had been caught off-guard, and it seemed as though Stark had set him up for something that he had no prior knowledge about, so she could hardly blame him for his brusque reaction.
She blinked as something clicked - his response to realising he was being filmed had been ultimately genuine, angry and vexed, which implied he hadn't known the camera was going to be there at all, so his amiability was authentic.
Amelia hung her head, rubbing her eyes as her head pounded from the stress of her situation; Thor had not lied to her - Loki was not adept at expressing his emotions, he had trouble communicating his remorse, and instead threw up a pretence of resentment to cover his uncertainty.
Loki did care about her. She had seen the regret in his eyes for a transitory moment when he had returned to his more human-like form, however, she had doubted her observation, thinking she must have imagined it. But it had been real, and this footage was the final proof of that.
"Oh, Loki, you absolute ass", Amelia coughed out as thick emotions brewed in her throat; she was a mess of sentiment, guilt and ambivalence, unsure of what she was supposed to think and whether it was a good idea to follow her heart or to follow her head.
The irresolution did nothing to help her speedily growing ache behind her eyes, and she laid her head down on the arm of the couch with the trifling hope that she could stave off an unwanted migraine.
There was a commotion from the television, revealing that Tony Stark was about to make his address to the worried populace, and as he approached a microphone upon a podium in the perfect picture of composure, the surrounding journalists and reporters began to cry out questions.
He silenced them with a raise of his hand, demonstrating the impressive height of his influence, and Amelia snorted.
"People of Manhattan, you have nothing to worry about", he proclaimed. "It is true, Loki is currently living in the Avengers Tower, and has been for several months now."
There was a thrum of gasps and chattering, and Tony rolled his eyes before continuing, "My point is, Loki has been here for months, and has shown precisely zero intent to cause harm. I have very good reason to believe Loki has…" he trailed off, searching for the right words, "...altered his morals. He recognises the wickedness of his actions five years ago and wishes only to make up for them."
Amelia got the feeling that Stark hadn't previously consulted with Loki over this speech, and that he was somewhat winging it, telling the people what they wanted to hear while not necessarily speaking any lies.
Tony gave the whole spiel, empathising with the people of Manhattan while simultaneously urging them to trust the Avengers with their future plans for Loki, but there came a moment where Stark paused, and looked directly at the camera as he spoke.
"Loki is… complicated, it's true, but if you saw the way he handled our most recent assignment, then you have seen the Loki who is willing to better himself, not for the sake of redemption, but for the sake of humanity."
His words resonated with Amelia, and she felt as though Stark was talking specifically to her; she felt nothing but the veracity of his speech. Loki had not concerned himself with looking righteous before the camera, he had concerned himself with the safety of the little girl he had rescued.
Tony looked agitated for a moment as his eyes flitted across the crowd of people in front of him and he gave a muted sigh before mumbling, "I'll take questions now." Immediately, everyone starting calling out at once, and Amelia deduced that this was perhaps the CEO's least favourite moment about giving a formal address.
Amelia switched the television off, knowing she had heard everything she needed to hear, and she picked up her phone, tapping the photo album icon to view her most recent pictures. She quickly located the picture she had been searching for - the image she had captured, what felt like years ago now, but was only a few months, of herself and Loki sitting on a bench in Central Park.
She'd known him as James back then, and she'd been astonishingly happy, full of hope and excitement, completely oblivious to the storm that would eventually come.
Amelia let out a tired giggle amid her sniffles as her eyes drew across Loki's face in the picture - his eyebrows were raised, an inkling of curiosity in his gaze where she had snapped the picture just before he'd grown aware of what she was doing.
She missed him, and it really sucked to admit that to herself, given everything he had done to her.
Her eyes slipped closed as tears dribbled down her cheeks.
"You don't just change from a homicidal maniac to a charitable hero overnight", the guy from the coffee shop had logically pointed out, and it was true - things like that just did not happen, but Amelia knew something he didn't know.
Loki hadn't just changed overnight. He had changed over a series of nights, a stem glass of red wine in hand with nothing but the unassuming, friendly company of somebody who did not judge him upon sight.
"Fuck", Amelia whispered, not even bothering to try and restrain her tears. Her head hurt, her mind was all discombobulated with thoughts trailing in at every angle, and it was difficult to navigate the labyrinth of her mind to find out how she truly felt.
She needed a drink.
Notes: I'm seeing Infinity War on Saturday and I am not ready. Pray for me lmao. There is only two chapters left to this story, and after that I will get started on the sequel which is actually going to inspired by Infinity War, so you've got that to look forward to! Though it's only going to be a short story (probably like 15,000 - 20,000 words) and then after THAT, there will be another sequel that will be for pure comedic enjoyment because we're all gonna need a pick me up after IW ;) Please review!