Chapter 25: New Desires
A shuddering gasp as we fall apart- but we made it. We made it. I gasp, alone now in my head, a single entity in my own form, though cramped in this chair nonetheless. It doesn't help that something is on top of me, crushing me into this uncomfortable, unfamiliar seat-
Wait, Sardonyx?
It's hard to tell- the mass is a glowing blur with so little definition, no shape to the form, but it writhes like it's trying to solidify, yellows and reds and oranges in cascading stripes. Still, it isn't til I see her gem that I can speak-
"Sardonyx?" I ask the mass, confused and scared. My voice seems to help, or maybe it's because it's her name? The mass rolls off my lap and onto the floor with a heavy thump, then stands, much more clearly in the silhouette of my friend- my friend! A mouth forms, opens, and gasps-
"Phantom?" Her voice is metallic and distant, like a mirage that's travelled through mirrors, not quite right and so far away.
"I'm here! What's- How- What's going on?" I stand, but I keep a distance, afraid. Like before, she seems to become just a little more solid, a little more real, her true colors coming through, her eyes opening, everything about her finalizing, settling, except-
"My- my hands-! I can't-" Only her wrists glow with that yellow-white light, the mass of light that ought to be her hands instead an ill-defined, morphing, warping form without form. I can see strain on her face, and I realize she's probably never shape-shifted before, or her memory makes it feel like she never has. Either way, she's stuck. "I can't remember!" She confirms, whining, but it sounds like she's in pain.
"It's- It's okay, just- just feel." I try to explain, but I've never been particularly good at shifting myself, and it feels like there's no time, the exertion obvious in all of her as she falls to her knees, weak and straining and whining with the effort, trying too hard. In desperation I fall to my knees too, and clasp her would-be hands.
"It's okay." I whisper, trying to make it so just by promising it will. I can only look at her eyes, which hone in on my own, gaze turning quickly from panic to- to something I can't name. Her eyes are.. calmer.. trusting? In my hands I feel her light calm and solidify, become her wide and gentle hands, and stay. But our eyes are only on each other's.
Minutes must pass as we sit in a tense silence, the aftermath of panic and desperation. I can't shake the feeling of utter gratitude that she's alive, she's here, that we made it, and that I have a chance to fix or make up for my horrible behavior. She stares unblinking at my eye, mouth agape. I can scarcely look at anything else myself, but I can't help but pick up the details of her state- the burns on the top of her form, the whip marks on her back, the rough and wildness of her hair, the stressful breathing that must surely be a result of the damage she suffered.
The moment ends when she pulls her hands away, eyes distant as she pulls back from me.
"S-Sardonyx?"
"I don't understand.." She whines, eyes misting over.
"What.."
"Why? Why do you suddenly- why not- you were- I'm not-" She shakes her head, puts her face in her hands, form wracked with sobs. I can't stand it. But I don't know what to say, either. I let her cry, wanting to reach out but feeling unable to, until she speaks again.
"I thought.. you hated me.." She lets out.
"No!" I burst, slamming my palms flat against the floor, leaning close. Realizing this is not a moment for hysterical declarations, I pull back, try to compose myself, but with little success. "No, I could never! I- I thought I did, but I don't- I was- I was hurt, in- in the past and I- I thought you would- but I should've known that you- you would never- I don't- I didn't-" I try to explain but it's a mess, I'm a mess. "I said.. I acted the way an older me might have.. I don't want.. I'm not that.. Something changed.. I changed, when you came. And it took too long to realize or act like it, I know, but-
When I thought you were dead, and I thought you were the entire time we were on that ship else I'd have come for you, I could do nothing but.. but mourn. For the kindness you'd given me, and.. and.. I couldn't stop thinking that I'd- I'd made the worst possible mistake in, in assuming you were like everyone else, in acting like you were everyone else.. I- I could only think that it had hurt, but- but it hadn't. When you reached out it- it was.. good. And it frightened me. And I.. I thought it was pain. But truer pain was thinking you were gone.. I'm so, so sorry for what I said, what I did.."
"I thought.. you were so mad, I thought you hated me. We were.. we were okay, and then we were really okay, and then, then suddenly we weren't, not at all, and now- I just can't.. I don't even remember what exactly you said, I just know it hurt. And I missed you when I was in that room by myself, but I couldn't stop thinking that I ruined it. You seemed so.. so happy with how we were going and I- when I just wanted to help- It felt like I burnt it all down.."
"No, no, I did.. I- You were just trying to help, weren't you? Like you always do.. And I panicked- that was all me, you couldn't have known.. I didn't-" I struggle to hold onto the moment, "I wasn't thinking, only feeling, and it- it was not on purpose, but I could've been stronger than that.."
"I just.. I thought you hated me, and it hurt so much. I didn't want it to, and I- I didn't know how to fix it and then, then we were- I don't know, apart, I think, and then you came in with an- an axe, I- I was so sure you'd.. I wouldn't've blamed you, but I was so scared.." She sniffles, wiping away a tear.
"I- I'm sorry."
"I.. I think I knew that.. I'm glad.. This is dumb, but I'm glad you don't hate me. I really liked being with you, and.. I wanted as much time as possible.." She says, but her voice is hushed. I don't understand what she means, so I just sit across from her as she thinks, her eyes so weighted, so tired. "But I guess I should.. get going." She looks to the back of the ship, to the walls lined with pods.
"Going? Why? Where?" I boggle. "Why?"
"I don't know. Away. So you can find a place to stay in peace." She shrugs, refusing to meet my eye.
"I don't want that anymore!" I blurt, unable to contain myself. She looks at me with shock, finally looking up at me. Once again, as it ever has, the direct eye contact sends me reeling, boggles my mind, as every ounce of earnest emotion contained in her wide yellow eyes seems to pour into me. I glance away to steel myself.
"I- I appreciate you, and your company, and your kindness, and I- I'd rather.. rather not part ways. I don't want to go without that, without- well, without you. I know I've been abominable at times but- but I-" I look up again, suddenly too brave and too afraid to not look her in the eye, "I don't want to be alone anymore. I want.. if you'll allow me.. to travel with you." She gasps, eyes looking this way and that- "I know it'll be dangerous, but- but I want it more than I've wanted anything. Peace, quiet, safety- they seem meaningless if I can't be.. happy. With you.. again, if you'll have me.."
"Wh- why?"
"I.. I was alone for thousands of years, and I was safe, and alone, and quiet. But I was never happy. Content, maybe briefly at times, but never happy. It took some time, but- but I started to feel- I didn't know I could feel like that.. I didn't know that living could feel good. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be miserable, wallowing in past pains, and I don't ever want to make you think you made me unhappy.
Of course, I understand if.. If you'd rather not have me aboard. I was terrible.."
"I-" She starts, then stops, rubbing a hand into her eye. She smiles even as fresh tears form. "I'd like it if you'd stay a lot, actually. I'm- I'm so afraid to mess things up again, but, but I don't wanna be alone either, and I like you a lot and- I care about you, and I- I just-" A sorrow runs through her and she collapses on herself, tears breaking free. "I don't wanna be alone either."
Despite my fears and anxieties about touch, I reach out, arms open, and she presses herself into me, arms reaching around my torso. And it's.. good. I relax into the embrace, into her.. It's such a strange, vulnerable position, but I feel at home here, holding onto her. Like when we were running through the ship, having just escaped the room, for all the vulnerability, all the fear and the anxiety, it's better because she's here.
"May I stay with you, then?" I ask into her hair.
"I'm heading to war.. I feel like that's where I need to go, no matter what.. are you sure you want to come with me?" It's a serious question, a dangerous consideration. But I knew that already, didn't I? She's set on being free and safe and helpful, and Earth is probably the best place to accomplish that.. A world of war, but a war for equality, for happiness, for life? With her? Is there any question?
"I feel.. that I must. I want to go where you go, and- and if war is it, then.."
"I don't want to put you in danger, but that's all running with me would be." She reiterates, but I shake my head.
"White Diamond wants me to be her plaything; danger is all my life has ever been. At least with you I- I won't be alone." I sigh. "But I- I want- I need to promise you- The way I acted before- The things I said- never again. I will never- I want to do better, be better. I- I'm afraid to mess things up again too.."
"It'll take time. To learn and unlearn. I promise I'll be patient with you, and I'll do what I can to make things easier. It's all so new to both of us.. And we've got time, until we make it to, uh.. the war, if we make it that far.." Sardonyx sighs and pulls away. "Aren't you.. unnerved by what just happened? That- Fusion between different gems shouldn't be possible, but that's- that's what just happened- doesn't that bother you, that I can-".
"Why do you think it's your oddities that made it possible? I've never fused before, either, never had reason to.. but it could've been me that made it possible." I shrug.
"I guess we're both pretty weird, huh.." She chuckles. "It was nice, though.. however brief and strange.. to be..". She blushes, knitting her hands together. I realize what she means, and I feel my cheeks warm as well. Fusion is something I'd never experienced before, but I knew it was, and likely still is, considered intimate. How can it not be? Two minds, or more, in complete contact, so close as to become one? I can't conceive of anything more intimate.
"It was. It was- well, it was really nice.. I could feel how you felt. I could see- knew some things you'd known, bits of memory, things of import.. I felt how much you care.." I put a hand to my chest, enraptured with the memory, the knowledge.
"And I felt how much you care- you were so afraid but you stayed- with- with me. I-" Sardonyx smiles, but her brows furrow. "What changed?"
"What?"
"You- you clearly didn't like me in the beginning. I could feel that, too, or I was just remembering it, but it made what you feel now all the stronger. But I couldn't see, couldn't tell, or, or couldn't find what changed. It wasn't important in the moment, and those other things just came to me on their own.. "
"Well.. I'm not entirely sure. I- Our time on the ship was the most pleasant time I can ever recall having, teaching you and learning from you and talking and hearing music, even the one time.. And when we were taken down, I thought you were shattered, and I- The guilt. I missed you- and I realized I'd always miss you, and that.. that the last thing I said to you was- was something about never wanting to speak or hear from you again, I-" I sigh.
"I have come to appreciate you so much, and I didn't even realize it until I thought you were gone, and I certainly did nothing to show it. When I… When I saw you, then, I realized I had a second chance. To really appreciate you, and to tell you, and to show you, and to- to apologize.."
"It's okay..". Sardonyx says, her voice pulling me out of my miserable reverie. I see her hand start to come forward, but then she pulls back. "I'm here. I don't plan on going anywhere, either. And I understand why-"
"I knew you'd say that, but I want you to understand how deeply wrong I was to act that way, how much you didn't deserve it-"
"But I rushed in- I scared you, I- I'm pretty sure I knew you didn't like being touched and I did it anyway-"
"But it was out of concern, like everything else you do! You were only trying to help-"
"But I did it wrong- I could've spoken up at any time but I didn't! I should have known better." She groans, the sound full of disappointment.
"I can see we're at an impasse.." I sigh, slumping back. "I think I made the bigger mistake, and you think you did.."
"Well- yeah..". She starts with a fire, but it dulls almost immediately. The ship is quiet as we both try to feel out the next step. Sardonyx shrugs slowly, deeply, musing, "We can.. we can both just.. try to do better. Promise each other we'll do better. Work on it together, so that it doesn't happen again, or as worse.."
"And even if it does.. surely.. surely we could talk about it? We always seem to come to understand each other when we do, so.."
"I think so too. We can try." At last, her voice sounds hopeful. She's still so roughed up, and she seems tired, but she's alive, she's here, and she's smiling. I find myself smiling too. "Can I hug you again?" She asks, suddenly shy.
Instead of answering, I open my arms and lean forward. Once again, she accepts, burying her face in my shoulder, though this time with enough force to knock us both over.
I can't help but laugh, and she does too, and it feels like my world is spinning in the right direction for the first time in my life.