Chapter 25
Ben Cooper wandered around the subterranean base. It was so good to be home and yet so odd. The brand spanking new set of BDU's hung on his frame. They were the right size, well the size he worn before...before...he didn't have the right words to describe the past few years. Nothing seemed quite right. And he himself was a swirl of contradictions.
He felt good yet he was scared.
He wanted to retire yet he desperately wanted to continue the fight.
He wanted to crawl under his bed and hide but he needed for his sanity sake to face his fears.
The doc had drained, it seemed, about a quart of blood and subjected him to every test imaginable. Everyone was so nice to him, welcoming him home treating him like a hero...but it felt wrong. He was no hero just ask the rest of SG-11 – no wait you couldn't they were all dead.
And here at the SGC he felt as though he no longer fit in. No longer a part...no longer belonged to this group of men, many of whom he did not know.
He had a short debrief with General Hammond and a daylong one slated for tomorrow. Then what? Who will tell his folks? How were they? Were they still alive?
He was in such a turmoil of emotions since his feet hit the ramp at the SGC when he knew, finally knew he was home.
He wanted to kiss the ground; he wanted to run and hide.
He wanted to cry for his team mates; he wanted to cry for himself.
He guessed that they would make him see a shrink and although the thought unnerved him, it was probably just what he needed.
His wandering brought him past the Infirmary. He peeked in at the Colonel. He was sound asleep with Major Carter's father, the Tok'ra, slumped in a chair beside O'Neill, dozing.
So many airmen and marines, officers as well as enlisted men slapped him on the back or shook his hand welcoming him home. It made him feel good but he hated the rush of emotions – afraid tears would come. He knew what his rescue meant to them - they too might survive if anything happened to them. He was a symbol of hope, a talisman they needed to touch. Didn't they realize all his team mates had been tortured and then slaughtered. His good luck was to survive and become a slave.
He was so tired but afraid to sleep – afraid it would all be a dream.
It must be morning. The bustling sounds of nurses and the rattling of breakfast trays roused Jack from a deep yet dream filled sleep.
There in a chair to Jack's right sat Jacob Carter. Glancing at the breakfast tray placed on his bedside table Jack asked "Want some cold toast and lukewarm coffee?"
Jacob smiled and replied "As tempting as that sounds I was hoping to catch some breakfast with Sam. She said she'd be ..."
And before he could finish his sentence her blond head peered around the doorway.
"Hi dad. Good morning Colonel."
"Carter."
And there was that bright smile that warmed him to his core.
Beside his breakfast tray Sam placed a mug filled with tops, bottoms, springs and refills and suggested that he get an early start on physiotherapy by reconstructing all the ball point pen that he has mutilated in her lab over the years. Ball points sacrificed to protect delicate instruments and artifact from his playful and inquisitive fingers. He was strangely gratified to know she had saved all the parts.
As Jacob and Sam turned to leave, Jacob lingered a moment to bid Jack farewell since he was due back to his world of galactic espionage. He was very conscious that O'Neill lay in a hospital bed and the rest of the team, especially his daughter, had come back with out a scratch.
"I hope you don't mine, I took care of those burns last night. Not completely...I didn't want Dr. Frasier to feel unappreciated." Without waiting for a response Jacob ducked out and joined Sam.
O'Neill would never have asked for this and probably would have rejected the offer but now there will be no need of skin grafts or an assignment to desk duty, or the possibility of a medical discharge. He now wondered why he didn't realize that he was not in pain. And he wondered if not being forced out of Sam's chain of command was a good or a bad thing. And was that Jacob's intent? Or did Jacob see him as a shield for Sam? Was he over thinking this?
By rights Jack thought he should be irked at Sam for not following a direct order to get her ass back to Earth. But he supposed if he looked at it logically he was incapacitated at that point and she was in command and he should commend her for not leaving her men behind, namely him. If she hadn't been there Cooper and he would've looked like Swiss cheese when or if they got through the gate.
She had saved him. He wondered what Jacob thought of that.
But he couldn't get the thought out of his mind 'Does Jacob want me to be a shield for his daughter?' He was willing because as much as he would like he cannot be anything more. Soldiers like him are a dime a dozen but brilliant minds like Carter's are what will save the Earth. These thought are counter productive – Carter is his subordinate and he has an obligation to her and he will do the bidding of Jacob and protect her - even from himself.
He had to let go of her, of all of them – in fact he did on that planet but she refused to let go of him. It both gratified him as well as terrified him.
Like a letter he folded up his feelings for her and tucked it, hidden away, into a corner of his heart.
He tried his breakfast – the toast was stone cold and the coffee, if you could call it that, was barely lukewarm and weaker that dish water. He pushed the tray table aside and sunk back into the all too thin pillows, sleep tugging at him. Without warning, wisps of memory from the Blood of Sokar fogged his mind. The remembered taste nearly made what little he ate come up. Then...oh Christ, Carter... he hadn't really, had he? No, no it was all an illusion, all the ramblings due to the drug and his desperation. If it were real Jacob would have killed him without a second thought. But Jacob had healed him and Carter had smiled – if they only knew what foulness stained his soul, the degradation his mind had sunk to they would despise him.
He had to think positively. Carter, no his whole team was safe. Ben Cooper, as if risen from the dead, was home and he lay here in the infirmary body healed and soul shredded. He'd duct tape it back together and serve his country and planet and find meaning for his life and hopefully find a measure of happiness.
He thought of Cooper. Jack knew what it felt like to be abandoned with no hope of rescue while knives pierced his chest, stabbing through muscle, heart and lungs, acid burning through arteries and veins. The remnants of the drug swirled through his mind making the memory real.
As the monitors screeched Janet rushed in checking his vitals.
A few deep breaths brought him back to the present exhausted and soaked in perspiration.
"Colonel, Colonel O'Neill" Doctor Frasier called him. His eyes yet a little wild fell on her.
"The drugs aren't completely out of your system yet, Colonel."
'I'm home. I'm healed. My team is safe.' He repeated this mantra until he felt his heart rate calm.
" I'm fine, doc. It's that awfully excuse for coffee."
Janet smiled, that was the Colonel O'Neill she knew.
If nothing else at least he had Janet's face to look forward to when she removed the bandages from his wrists.