Reference: The Korean words 'Harabujee' and 'Halmunee' appear in this chapter, and they mean 'grandfather' and 'grandmother' in that order.
And as always to my Catholic readers: would you please tell me if I got the Catholic parts correct?
By the way: the Star Trek stuff isn't mine. It all belongs to the honorable and legendary Gene Roddenberry, 45 years after he first thought of it, and 20 years after he passed away.
Next day, November 1
Park House, 5:00 PM
West Village
My name? Well, that's always been kind of complicated.
All of it together is Matilda Brigid Thérèse Ryan Park.
Let me break it down: Brigid was the middle name given to me by mom when I was born, and from what I know of Irish culture, Saint Brigid was the saint of babies. I've always loved kids and ever since I was little, my biggest dream was to be happily married with three kids of my own.
My other middle name, Thérèse, is the confirmation name I chose when I was a teenager. (Before my mom fell to the wayside, she was Irish Catholic and made me go to church, Catholic school and everything that came with it because it was one of her odd ways of showing how she cared about me) Saint Thérèse of Lisieux was the saint of missionaries, among other things. I picked that name because while I never studied missionary work, I've always hoped that I can make a difference in someone's life.
Ryan was the last name that I was given when I was born. It would've been Kildare, like my dad's, but mom changed her mind at the last minute and I didn't find out until the last time I ever saw mom that my dad was a drug dealer and that one of his customers killed him on the day I was born. (Mom assured me that dad had loved me, but it was quite a blow to find out that he had really done because mom was always too ashamed to tell me in the first place) Because of that shame and a few other things, my last name was changed to Ryan when I was born even though my mom was called Leila Celine Kildare.
(It took me years to understand that she gave me that name so it would be easier for me to track down her two sons, Kevin and Thomas—my two older half brothers—if I ever desired to do so)
Then there's my married last name: Park. Just over a year ago, I married the love of my life, Jung Park. (He's from Seoul, South Korea, but has spent most of his life here in the states. We flew out there so he could introduce me to his parents in person—I met them over Skype—but Jin-Sang and Sun Hee recently moved out to Manhattan, and we decided that that wouldn't be a bad thing to do, ourselves) Jung and I met in a rather unusual way in Louisville, Kentucky—where we lived with our kids up until recently— and we've been inseparable ever since.
But you know what? Up until we met each other, neither one of us had ever been so happy in our entire lives.
(Oh, and during my first conversation with Jin-Sang and Sun Hee—Jung's parents—it was clear that they loved me right away, but during a deeper part of our call, they both agreed with each other that my first name—meaning 'mighty in battle' in Old German—suits who I am as a person because they know about all of things I've seen and endured and they're very impressed (and proud) that I've survived all of it, and I'm still quite young. Jin-Sang and Sun Hee also agree with each other that me surviving those things—like being out on the streets or going through a long period of time when food was hard to come by—add lots of strength and honor to my personality. (Being the sci-fi nerd that he is, Jung had gleefully pointed out that if this was Star Trek and I were a Klingon, my fellow Klingons would be singing songs about me)Jin-Sang and Sun Hee went on to agree that they couldn't think of any other person to meet their son, fall in love with him, marry him and have his babies. I remember blushing furiously about that last part the first time I heard it, but now it doesn't bother me at all, especially since neither one of them are the overbearing type of in-laws who would pressure their child and spouse into having kids right away)
Uh…
Back on topic now…
Put all of those names together and you have me: Matilda Brigid Thérèse Ryan Park.
Legally, I go by Matilda Brigid Thérèse Park.
Of course, there are my fans who know me as Tillie Brigid. (I'm a graphic illustrator whose skills are well sought after, and whose popularity in the illustrating world reached the ranks of the Richard Castle before I was even eighteen) When I was a kid, my mom always called me Tillie—as a nickname—and I realized that some of the greatest writers and artists have been known by a nickname. That memory of my mother helped me decide on what my professional name was going to be.
(Seeing as I was a teenager when my work got picked up by a publishing company, I wasn't even dating anyone at the time. I didn't want to use the name of Ryan because mom had fallen to the wayside by then, and I was ashamed of her, so I just used my middle name, instead, not wanting to be reminded of where I came from)
That's how I was given yet another name, but also earned the title of—although my more devoted fans have been known to argue that 'legendary' is the better word—the famous Tillie Brigid, graphic illustrator.
But to my husband, friends and associates, I'm known as Tillie.
And my two charming and beautiful kids know me simply as mom.
I know that everybody's names are part of their own identity, because that's a given in life. But when I was growing up and thinking about what job I would have, I never once imagined that I'd end up choosing a profession where so much depended on my name…
(I suppose that my fascination with names is why I had a total field day naming Shakayla and Grayson when I found them, and why probably Jung and I had even more fun when it came to choosing a name for our youngest daughter, whose current residence is my womb)
I came back to my senses when I realized that Jung was kissing me passionately to get my attention. Fighting for control, I leaned back into the kiss and tried to be a little more dominant. Jung still won.
I laughed as I pulled away. "Wow, Jung. What was that for?"
"Oh, nothing, Tillie." He gave me a peck on the forehead. "Do I really need a reason to kiss my beautiful wife today?"
"No, you don't," I admitted, not even trying to stop him as he gently pinned me against our bedroom wall. "But I think that you should try to be a little careful."
"I should be careful, huh?"
He continued pressing kisses from my mouth down my throat and onto my shoulder.
"What's there to be careful about right now?"
Unable to stop myself, I gave a huge sigh of contentment before pushing him away so I could straighten my shirt.
"What there is to be careful about right now is that I've just entered my third trimester of my first pregnancy, and I could very well jump your bones."
"Would that be so bad?"
Since this current pregnancy is my first that I've gone through and since it's the first that Jung has ever been part of, Jung has been very attentive to me and catering to every single need or desire of mine that have cropped up during the past seven months… including the sexual ones.
"You're in quite a mood today, aren't you?"
I finally got in an opportunity to kiss him back and didn't waste it, but I still gave him a thump on the shoulder when he wiggled his eyebrows in response to my question.
Struggling to keep a straight face, I plowed on. "It would be bad because we have a daughter and a son who would be more than a little scarred if they accidentally caught us making out."
Jung shook his head in disappointment and leaned forward to touch his forehead to mine but didn't get a chance to say anything because he was interrupted by a sharp jab delivered from my hugely pregnant belly straight to his torso.
Chuckling, Jung knelt down and moved my shirt back to reveal my seven month pregnant belly and held it in his hands. He addressed the baby in a mock stern voice.
"You just need to wait eight more weeks and then you can have your time in the spotlight, my sweet Zoe Jane."
Our daughter kicked me again and changed positions, but became relaxed after Jung kissed the area of my belly where she was laying.
As he stood up, I burst into a fit of hormonally induced tears.
"What is it, Tillie?"
My husband wiped my tears for me and even kissed my fingertips in an attempt to show me some affection.
"Tell me what I can do to make it better for you."
"E-eight weeks, Jung!" I sobbed, cradling my belly in my arms. "Eight weeks, and we're going to have a baby. What if we can't do it? What if I can't do it?"
He put an arm around my shoulder and guided me over to our bed so we could sit down.
"If we have to go through this every day until Zoe Jane comes, then we will." I leaned into him as he wrapped an arm around my waist. "We're going to be perfect with Zoe Jane—you're going to be perfect with her. We already have two beautiful children who are completely perfect in every way because you loved them first."
"But I found Shakayla and Grayson five years ago when they were digging around in my garbage dumpster!" I hissed angrily, wiping more of my tears. "I was twenty-four, and they were twelve and two! We are the same age, and we're old enough to be their older siblings, not their parents!"
Normally, Jung would've tried to interject his views and opinions by this point, but he knew better than to interrupt me when I was in this kind of mood.
"I've never cared for a baby before and I'm scared because I can't ask my mom for anything because she's dead, and not being able to talk to her—even if she had fallen to the wayside because of the drugs—is like a loss of a rite of passage. My mom was really lovely, and when I think about her, I think about all the happy times instead of the bad times, like I'm always tempted to."
Restless to the point of irritation, Zoe Jane kicked and punched me particularly hard, simultaneously hitting my navel and kidneys. I couldn't continue talking until I was sure that she was happier because she has a tendency to try to be the center of attention even though she hasn't even been born yet.
(She's already establishing her position as the spoiled little diva…)
"When I was little and getting impatient about finding someone to love, my mom would always tell me the same thing."
"Leila would tell you that the man of your dreams would turn up when you were least expecting it." He finished for me, having heard different variations of my words many times before.
I smiled at Jung's words. "Sometimes I still can't believe that it actually happened."
Knowing that I always craved affection because of how hard it was to come by as a kid, he gave me a very warm hug that was overflowing with love.
"Meeting you and Shakayla and Grayson was the best thing that ever happened to me and I would never change that first meeting for anything."
That threw me for a loop. "But we officially met in the ER after a freak bus accident, babe. We were the only survivors!"
"I know that, Matilda." He pulled me into a comfortable hold and rested his hands on top of my belly as I continued cradling it. "I still wouldn't change any of it."
"We were both really hurt, never mind all those bruises!" I protested, thoroughly surprised that he was choosing now of all times to talk about the first time we met. "And you had a concussion and a broken arm!"
"Only because I was too worried about protecting you, even though I didn't even know your name."
He laughed at the sound of exasperation I made in response.
"But when I saw you for the first time, Tillie, I thought you were an angel."
Jung started kissing my throat again and I almost gave in to the pleasure, but I was a big person about the situation and pushed him away again.
"What were we talking about before we got so far off topic?"
"About how you miss your mom and you wish that you could ask for advice, despite her falling to the wayside."
"Right." I nodded and gathered my thoughts. "I miss her so much and I'm always going to remember her loveliness, hugs and warm smiles the most. I really love your mom, but…"
"It's just not the same." He supplied.
"Exactly. Eight weeks and there's going to be a baby in this family! I'm so nervous, Jung, and I really don't want to screw this up."
My beloved husband said nothing as he got up and crossed the room out into the hallway for a second. He returned with our kids, Shakayla and Grayson, following close behind.
(Quick back story about the kids: they are what some people would call 'foundlings' because I literally found Shakayla digging through my garbage can for scraps of food for Grayson to eat. She was twelve and he was two, and they were both homeless and parentless. One of the most interesting things about my kids is that while Shakayla has been taking care of Grayson since he was almost a year old is that neither of them looks anything alike. Shakayla looks like she's Middle Eastern, but we don't know for sure because she spent her whole life as an orphan, but Grayson, on the other hand, is African American. His dark skin and his complexion alone are obvious indicators, as is his mane of black hair that I've had to learn to deal with. The oddest things about them, though, are one: that the kids didn't have names when I found them; and two: after five years, Shakayla has never told us why she and Grayson were even together in the first place, although I'm sure she remembers why)
(One last thing, I swear: with Jung being Korean and me being Irish-American, our family looks very unique, but skin color doesn't matter with us at all—nor has it ever—because in the end, we're all still people. We're always telling the kids that each one of us is colored differently, but we all still go together like a puzzle because we need each other to complete a beautiful picture)
A pair of little arms wrapping themselves around as much of my waist as possible was what brought me back to realty. Looking down, I saw seven-year-old Grayson hugging me and looking at me with concern.
"Mommy, why are you crying?" he asked, reaching up to wipe my tears for me. "Daddy said that you're sad, so he asked me and Shakayla to cheer you up."
When I didn't say anything, Shakayla came and sat down on my free side.
"Are you worried about the baby again?" she asked with the air of a wise old owl.
I nodded, feeling thankful that Jung and I had long ago established a very open form of communication with our kids.
"Yeah, sweet girl, I am."
"But you shouldn't be." My daughter put an arm around my shoulder. "Zoe Jane is going to be a great little girl because she has you and dad for her parents—"
Grayson interrupted her at this point, shaking his head furiously at his big sister.
"Nuh-uh, Shakayla Celine! She isn't gon' be great!" he slung an arm over my belly in a possessive manner, but spoke to her in scoffing tone that told me he would've used air quotes around that last word if he even knew what they were. "Baby Girl is going to be awesome!"
I was very amused by his sudden insistence, as was Shakayla.
"Okay, yeah, Gray: 'awesome' is definitely a better word." She agreed with the best poker face that I'd ever seen.
I smiled down at my son. "Riddle me this, Grayson Kismet: what makes you so sure that Zoe Jane is going to be awesome instead of great?"
"I'm sure she's gon' be awesome 'cause she's growing inside you. Shakayla and I grew next to your heart, and that's how you knew to pick us, but Baby Girl grew inside you, mommy."He wrapped his free arm around my waist and kept the other one where it was. "I know that Shakayla took care of me when I was a tiny baby, but you found us and you made us both better because of how you loved us. Baby Girl is gon' be way awesome 'cause you and daddy love her. That's way more love than can fit into a picture of a heart that I can draw on a piece of paper!"
He laughed at the absurdity of the idea and leaned against me to relax, having said his piece.
"Thank you, Grayson." I murmured to him. "I needed to hear those words."
"Does that mean you feel better, mommy?"
"Yes, it does."
He pulled away and beamed at me. "Good, 'cause I love you so much and I really don't like it when you're sad."
I watched as he slid off the bed, took a few steps and then came back to give my belly one last hug and kiss.
"I love you, too, Baby Girl, and I always will."
(Both Shakayla and Grayson appear to have a need to constantly show affection, and it always makes us wonder about the time they spent on the streets together without getting any kind of affection from anyone. But between the two of them, Grayson has always been the more expressive one)
He turned around and left, wondering aloud to himself about where he'd placed his markers and paper. No sooner had he gone, then there was a small crash, quickly followed by a squeak of "Help, I'm stuck!" and Shakayla hurried out after him, telling him not to move.
When she was gone, Jung crossed the room back to me and pulled me to my feet, holding his hands in the small of my back to support me.
"See that? You're going to be an awesome mom to Zoe Jane becauseShakayla and Grayson both have faith in you."
"Yes, they do… even if Grayson takes more opportunities to show us that."
I held my hands out to him.
"Help me up."
Jung obliged. "Do you feel better now, Matilda?"
"Yes, I do. Thanks for getting them, dear heart."
Because Jung is a little taller than me—and I'm just under six feet tall—I stood on my tiptoes to give him a kiss.
"I needed that."
He raised an eyebrow. "What? Kissing me just now or having the kids come cheer you up?"
I gave him another thump on the shoulder. "You are unbelievable!"
"I know I am!" he said in a smug singsong voice as he sat down on the bed.
I just rolled my eyes and looked at my watch. "It's nearly five-fifteen now, and we need to be at Kevin's and Jenny's by six! It's going to be really awkward if we're late because we're the guests of honor, so go and see that Shakayla freed Grayson so they can go get ready."
Jung sighed as he got to his feet. "I told you that everything is going to be fine with that, and it's not like you haven't met Kevin, Thomas, Jenny and Emily before, you know!"
"I know, Jung." I said in exasperation as I began wading through the sea of moving boxes to get to the closet. "But last time I saw them was at a funeral for the boys' dad! I was still single and hadn't met Shakayla and Grayson yet."
I let out a shuddering breath as I tried not to cry.
"Kevin is a police officer, Thomas is a pediatric surgeon, Jenny is a teacher at one of the most prestigious performing arts schools in the state and Emily is twenty-nine, like we are and is a neonatal surgeon as well asthe head of the obstetrics department at Saint Brigid's hospital—which also happens to be another one of the most finest establishments in the city! Me? I have so much wealth that I'm almost embarrassed by it. What if they don't like me because of how much money I make? I mean technically, I don't have to work anoth—"
My words ended in a moan as Jung surprised me with another extremely passionate kiss. I pushed him away yet again, but laughed.
"What the hell? Do you really want to run the risk of your very pregnant wife jumping your bones when the kids are in the house?"
He shook his head. "No, but kissing you senseless seems to be the most effective way of getting you to listen to me when you go on those little tirades of yours."
I blushed furiously because it was the truth and didn't even bother trying to contradict him. Jung came back and held me as close to his body as my pregnant middle would allow him to get.
"They love you, Matilda, and you know that. Families don't quit on each other."
"Mine did!" I protested angrily. "Both of my parents were heavily involved in drugs and they were both murdered! I left New York when I was fifteen just because I was too tired of picking up after mom. I loved her forever and through all the messes that she got herself into, but after awhile, she didn't come home, so I took off! All I know about my dad, since he died when I was born, is that I have his eyes. Other than that, I look like mom and I know that I bear a strong resemblance to my brothers because of her even though they have another dad."
Unable to keep the tears from coming, I let them fall.
"My whole family abandoned each other."
"Not true, love." Jung shook his head. "We came here because your brothers and their wives wanted us in their lives. That means a lot, considering the spot you were in the last time you saw them, and it doesn't look like abandonment if Kevin invited us to dinner at their place tonight."
I realized that he was right and that there was no use in arguing with him, so I resigned myself to nodding in agreement. Zoe Jane became restless because she hates when I'm standing still, so I turned away from Jung and went to the closet to find something suitable to wear.
"Anything else you need before I go convince Grayson to change his clothes?"
"Yes." I took off my shirt to reveal my undershirt. "Why does he keep referring to Zoe Jane as 'Baby Girl'?"
"That's a question you'll have to ask him."
I crossed my arms over my huge belly and pouted. "Why can't you tell me?"
"Do you remember when Gray had that huge meltdown before we left for the Greyhound station?"
"How can I forget? Zoe kicked the crap out of me because she didn't like the noise and Shakayla got a migraine!"
"At least Grayson apologized!" Jung put extra emphasis on this fact. "Once I got him to calm down, he told me his reasons why he's as possessive of Zoe as he is, but specifically stressed the point that I'm not allowed to tell you."
Arms still crossed, I raised an eyebrow. "And did our boy say that he wouldn't tell me unless I asked him?"
"Something like that, yes."
I was about to respond to his words, but Shakayla's raised voice was heard in the hallway.
"GRAYSON KISMET PARK! YOU ARE SEVEN YEARS OLD AND SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO STEAL MY DIARY! GET BACK HERE!"
Jung only shook his head gave my belly a quick pat before leaving to do damage control, shutting the door behind him. Naturally, Zoe Jane started kicking me to remind me how she despises loud noises, but I managed to sooth her by talking to her in quiet tones about what I was going to wear to dinner.
About ten minutes later, I was dressed in my favorite green sweater dress and leggings to protect me from the chill, and after enlisting Shakayla's help, I chose my favorite purple ballet flats picked out and had them secured on my feet. (Having a cute but ginormous baby belly makes it very difficult to put shoes on without help because my feet disappeared completely from my line of direct sight about a month ago) I didn't shoo Shakayla away when I did my hair or put my jewelry on, but I had to do it when Grayson was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs, looking a little worried.
"What's the matter, Grayson?" I asked as I helped him get his jacket on and zip it up.
"What if Uncle Kevin, Aunt Jenny, Uncle Thomas and Aunt Emily don't like us?"
Locating my own jacket, I slipped it on. "Why is that a concern?"
He shifted his weight from one foot to another. "It's 'cause me, daddy an' Shakayla aren't the same skin color…"
"Oh, sweetheart." I sighed, knowing that this topic would be broached at some point tonight. "That's not going to happen tonight, I promise."
"How do you know?" he jammed his hat onto his head and began hunting around for his shoes. "How do you know that they're gon' like us, mommy? They look like you, and not us!"
I held my arms out to him for a hug. "Come here for a second."
Grayson scowled at me. "Why?"
"Because you are my only son, and I want to cuddle with you for a minute."
He held out for as long as he could—an entire minute-and-a-half—before running to my arms. Because my swollen middle was in the way, Grayson settled for leaning his head against the bulge while I rested one of my hands on his back.
"It's not going to happen because they're our family, buddy, and in a family, you love each other, no matter what you look like."
"You and daddy aren't the same color…"
"That's very true."
"Daddy said that you two love each other 'cause color doesn't matter when it comes to love 'cause all the colors are the same." He recalled in a thoughtful tone. "All the colors are loved the same, no matter how light or how dark they are."
"Daddy was totally right about that."
He nodded in agreement, but pulled away, apparently turning something over in his mind.
"Mommy, I have a new question for you now."
"Yes, child?"
"Do Uncle Kevin, Aunt Jenny, Uncle Thomas and Aunt Emily fit into our puzzle?"
"Yes, they do." I answered; proud that he was using that analogy on his own. "They're the border."
Grayson blinked in surprise. "But I thought that Harabujee and Halmunee were the border!"
"They are," I reassured him, feeling another surge of pride that he'd gotten the Korean words for 'grandfather' and 'grandmother' correct. "But Uncle Kevin, Aunt Jenny, Uncle Thomas and Aunt Emily are the border around all of us because of how much they want us all to be in their lives."
"And 'cause Uncle Kevin and Uncle Thomas are your big brothers?"
"Right again."
Grayson furrowed an eyebrow. "Doesn't Nana Leila fit into the puzzle, too?"
"Yes, and she still fits in between Harabujee and Halmunee, just like she always has."
"Good…"
He absentmindedly drew a square around my navel with a fingertip and was rewarded with a very solid kick.
"I think Baby Girl is ticklish!" he giggled.
I laughed because of how fidgety Zoe Jane was getting. "Yeah, I think so, too!"
Grayson repeated the gesture and was rewarded with a few more kicks.
"Why are you doing that?" I asked him, putting a hand of his.
He wrapped his arms around my middle and looked up at me, his face full of pure delight. "I just realized that Baby Girl fits into the puzzle, too! She fits right in the middle!"
"She does, doesn't she?"
Grayson agreed with me but started giggling more when Zoe Jane changed positions and elbowed his palm.
"Buddy, I have a question for you."
He looked up at me with happiness twinkling in his eyes. "Yes, mommy?"
"Why do you keep calling Zoe Jane 'Baby Girl'?"
If Grayson was any other shade of brown besides dark, dark brown, I'm sure that I would've seen him blushing brightly.
"That's 'cause she is my baby girl!" he tightened his hold on my belly. "I gotta protect her 'cause I'm her big brother and 'cause daddy said it's my responsibility to look after her. I also gotta do it 'cause Shakayla protected me when I was way little!"
I raised an eyebrow. "Do you remember any of that?"
"No, but Shakayla tolded me lots of stories."
Grayson looked back at my belly. "Zoe Jane, I love you, but you have to stay inside for a couple more weeks, okay?"
Kick.
"And when you come out, I'll be the best big brother ever, but I'm gon' have to remember how to talk first. I'll be so happy to see you that I might forget…"
Zoe Jane kicked Grayson with all her might and he responded by cuddling with my huge bump.
Before I could stop myself, I turned into a bucket of happy tears at his words because of how sweet my youngest children were being with each other. With most of the love and affection coming from Grayson, I knew that he was one hundred percent sincere, and that Zoe Jane was going to be her brother's buddy for life.
Slightly alarmed by my tears, Grayson hurried out of the room as fast as he could to find Jung and returned with him on the double, explaining that the baby was 'making mommy loopy again.' Shakayla was trailing behind them, already dressed in her fall clothes and shoes, but had her nose buried in one of her many Korean drama novels, and wasn't paying too much attention to what was going on around her.
Jung pulled me to the side, away from the kids, and tucked the stray lock of my chocolate brown hair behind my ear as I rubbed my eyes to stop the tears.
"Is everything okay, Tillie?"
"Yeah." I nodded, straightening the collar of his jacket. "I was able to soothe Grayson after he had a brief moment of doubt about the subject of skin color again."
(Grayson had been having a few moments like that ever since Jung and I told the kids that we were going to see my family)
"He's okay now, though, right?"
"Yes, he his," I arched my back when Zoe Jane stretched out; telling me once more that she was quite fed up with her cramped living space. "But he also told me his reasons for doting on the baby."
He grinned at this. "And…?"
"His explanation was one of the sweetest things I've ever heard."
Jung held my hand in his and immediately intertwined his fingers with mine. "Zoe Jane is going to be loved more than she could ever possibly know."
"Because she has us as her parents and Shakayla and Grayson as her awesome big sister and brother…"
"Exactly right, my darling wife."
The sound of a someone younger clearing their throat—in what was clearly an attempt of polite interruption—reached our ears, and we turned to see Grayson, who was clutching a brightly wrapped package. Shakayla was behind him, still reading.
Jung spoke to the now impatient little boy. "Is there something you want to say, Grayson?"
He gave an emphatic nod. "Yeah, daddy!"
"Ask away."
"Is it time to go now? I really wanna give Alyssa her present."
Shakayla looked up from her book at this point and showed us that she'd been paying attention all along.
"So do I, actually. Trekking around with Gray was fun yesterday, but now I want to see Alyssa's face when she opens it… even if she is only one…"
Jung laughed at the kids' enthusiasm and I began herding my family out the door. Shakayla and Grayson were quite happy to go.
The ride to my brother's house only took about ten minutes, but it felt way shorter to me because of how nervous I was feeling about seeing my brothers and their wives for the first time in half a decade. (Zoe Jane was no help at all because she was reacting to my anxiety in a slightly frenzied manner) Once my family was able to convince me that everything was going to be fine, Grayson beat Jung out of the car and to the front passenger door so he could open it for me and help me safely onto the sidewalk.
(Not that I'm complaining, but ever since Jung and I told Grayson about my pregnancy, he's taken upon himself to be a little gentleman with me because he wants his little sister know how much he loves us both)
"Grayson, you really love helping me out don't you?"
"Always, mommy."
He waited for me to unbuckle my seatbelt before offering me his hand for support.
"Be careful with the baby bump. We don't want it going splat!"
I stepped out onto the sidewalk and straightened myself up. Grayson took that as a chance to retrieve my purse from the car and give it to me.
"Thank you, Gray." I smiled at him. "And don't you worry about me and Zoe Jane."
He sighed heavily. "Fine. Baby Girl isn't going to go splat and neither are you?"
"That's right. We're both perfectly okay."
"Doctor Singh said so at the doctor's appointment this morning…"
"She did, so why don't you worry about normal little kid things for a change. I'm talking about things like ice cream and monkey bars, all right?"
"Okay."
Jung and Shakayla were also out of the car and on the sidewalk by now and were walking with us up to the front step. Grayson was babbling nervously, as he always does in this kind of situation, and I happily indulged his curious little mind as he asked the next question.
"Mommy, is there anything to know about Alyssa? I mean besides her liking princess and ladybugs?"
As anxious as my son was feeling about being accepted my brothers and my two sisters-in-law, he was always asking me questions about my little niece—his cousin.
"Aunt Jenny told me that Alyssa likes to be called 'Ladybug,' and that she loves to cuddle."
Grayson perked up at this. "I like bugs, and I like to cuddle, too!"
"You haven't forgotten that your baby cousin is one, have you?"
"Of course not!" he assured me as Jung reached out to ring the doorbell. "I think that playing with my Ladybug will help me practice for being a big brother…"
He trailed off and stopped talking altogether when the front door was opened by Emily, who was sporting a lovely baby bump. When she ushered us inside, I was delighted to see her and the others. (When I saw Kevin and Thomas together, I did my best to keep my emotions in check because it wasn't until then that I realized how much they look like our mother) Once the introductions were made, Grayson began looking the living room curiously before turning to speak to my oldest brother.
"Uncle Kevin, where is Alyssa? I thought she was cuddly…"
My oldest brother smiled down at Grayson. "Alyssa is cuddly and friendly, but she's also kind of shy."
"My mommy is shy." Grayson observed, oblivious to me blushing bright red.
"Alyssa is hiding somewhere in the room. Maybe she'll come out if you talk to her."
I quickly glanced around the living room and saw that there was a pair of red stocking-covered feet sticking out from underneath the curtain window.
Grayson didn't see her because he was already tickled by the idea that she was hiding.
"I think Alyssa is being silly." He decided before wandering away to look for her.
Jung, Shakayla, Kevin, Jenny, Thomas, Emily and I watched in suppressed amusement as the little boy searched for his cousin. He spotted her feet after a minute and squatted down in front of her hiding spot and started speaking gently to her, trying to coax her out. The wrapped package containing Alyssa's present—a ladybug antenna headband and a set of nylon ladybug wings—was on the floor next to him.
"Alyssa," Grayson called sweetly. "Will you come out, please? I want to see you."
We all saw Alyssa's little feet shift beneath the curtain while she contemplated Grayson's words. After a moment or two of trying to get Alyssa to even show her face, my son suddenly had a burst of inspiration and he inched closer.
"Alyssa, my name is Grayson and I have a big sister named Shakayla." He began explaining to her in a kind and patient tone. "We have another sister named Zoe Jane, but she's still growi—"
Grayson stopped talking because he had to dive out of the way when a streak of red suddenly appeared from behind the curtain. The way Kevin stumbled back a split second later but was caught and straightened up by Jung told me that the red streak was Alyssa. (Besides her red stockings, she was wearing a red corduroy jumper with white polka dots, and her beautiful blond hair was being kept out of her eyes with a black and red barrette. All she needed was the present from the kids, and she really would look like a little ladybug) She watched Grayson as he picked up the wrapped package and approached her, joined by Shakayla this time.
Alyssa watched her cousins intently for a minute and then took a few steps toward them. Her tiny face broke into a broad grin and she moved her fingers with expert speed as she spoke.
"I Lyssa!"
Jung and I glanced at each other, eyebrows raised. It wasn't every day that we saw a young toddler who was capable of being so expressive with their thoughts and words, let alone fluent enough to say what they were signing aloud.
Shakayla and Grayson were just as surprised as we were, but they both sat down on the floor so they were level with Alyssa. My brothers and their wives were surprised by what happened next, but Jung and I were very proud.
"Hi, Ladybug." My daughter greeted the tiny blond child. "I'm Shakayla."
Grayson chipped in his two cents worth, signing as he went. "I'm Grayson."
The expression on Alyssa's face as she processed the words showed us that her tiny mind had been blown because she was now regarding the kids with revered awe. She toddled over to Shakayla, smiling shyly as she asked another question.
"Shay?"
"Yes…" came the surprised response.
Alyssa turned to Grayson.
"G?"
"Yes, Alyssa!" Grayson praised. "Very good!"
Thrilled by the enthusiasm, Alyssa clapped her little hands together and started babbling at top speed to him. Grayson pulled her a hug and turned to the rest of us, happiness clearly etched on his face.
"Ladybug knows our names! I'm so proud of her!"
Jung, Kevin and Thomas responded to him because Jenny, Emily and I were trying our hardest to not turn on the waterworks. When we had ourselves contained, we looked back and saw that Alyssa had seated herself in Shakayla's lap and was shredding through the wrapping paper at an alarmingly fast rate and babble a little louder at Grayson to show her annoyance when he tried to help her.
Jenny rested her hands on her midsection—of whose definite rounded shape I only just noticed—as she turned to me.
"It looks like our kids are going to be friends for life."
"That's good." I said in quietly so the kids wouldn't hear. "Gray was a little scared about coming tonight."
Emily raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"I'd like to know, too," Jenny said authoritatively. "But you can tell us in the kitchen, Tillie. There are some last minute things I need help with."
Catching my sister-in-law's drift, Emily and I followed her out of the room.
Once we were all seated around the table, dinner turned out to be a very enjoyable event. Between Jenny and Kevin, my sister-in-law is the better cook. Jenny proved this by setting out a huge tray of lasagna, along with Caesar salad and French baguette bread. There was even a pitcher of apple cider that my kids (born and unborn) enjoyed immensely. We even had chocolate cake for dessert.
All of the nervousness I'd been feeling prior to coming in the house was gone before we finished with the meal because Kevin, Thomas, Jenny and Emily were allowing themselves to be happier and more relaxed than our last encounter, which had been at a funeral. The fun part really came when Alyssa began goofing around and proved herself to be more of a diva than Zoe Jane is.
As we were getting ready to sit down at the table, Kevin had tried to separate her from Shakayla and Grayson so she could take off her new ladybug antenna and wings while she ate, but…
My niece had other ideas.
While she saw the logic in taking her costume off, she flat out refused to let her parents feed her because she wanted Shakayla and Grayson to do it. (She attached herself to his leg just to prove her point) Surprisingly, Grayson cheerfully volunteered to feed her, and he actually did a really good job of it. When Alyssa she done, she refused to sit in anyone else's lap other than Shakayla's because she was clearly enamored with the older girl and thought that she was the coolest person ever.
After dinner, Alyssa convinced Grayson and Shakayla to go to her playroom with her and was delirious with joy when they went with her. Jung told them that they didn't have to do it, but it was Shakayla—who had Alyssa perched comfortably on her hip—that they wanted to because it was going to give her and Grayson practice for when Zoe Jane was that age.
Since Kevin and the others already knew about how I met Jung, Shakayla and Grayson, our conversation quickly turned to pregnancy because it was already apparent that I wasn't the only pregnant lady in the house. Emily is almost eight months pregnant with hers and Thomas' first child—a boy—and Jenny is three months along with twins! Once the subject of our unborn children had run its course, we all began swapping childhood stories with each other.
I felt terrible about it, but I couldn't last through a particularly fun story that involved Kevin and Thomas pulling a really clever prank as kids on their dad's 'lady friend' because the stories were triggering all sorts of memories of growing up with my mom, and they were coming back faster than I could stop them.
The line had to be drawn somewhere…
I turned to my husband who was next to me on the couch. "Jung, help me up."
He did so, but couldn't keep himself from voicing his concern. "Are you doing okay, love?"
"Yes." I answered, knowing that I sounded nothing like an entertained guest. "Don't worry about me."
I left the room as quickly as I could, not wanting to hang around for too long.
Even though I wasn't too familiar with the layout of the Ryan house, I still found myself sitting at the kitchen table, massaging my belly while Zoe Jane demonstrated her acrobatic skills.
"Hey, you." came a gentle voice. "What's going on? We want to know."
Looking up, I saw that Jenny and Emily had pulled chairs up to me and were perched in them, watching me with all of the compassion in the world. Jenny had spoken and was waiting for an answer.
"It's nothing, Jen."
The older woman just rolled her eyes at me and shook her head, clearly not believing me. Emily voiced what she was thinking, her Australian accent accentuating her overall tone.
"As if, Matilda." She scoffed at me. "It has to be something if you walked away during a really fun story."
Since Jenny and Emily know that I see them as the two sisters I never had, I knew that they knew that I wouldn't be able to hold them at bay for long if they were concerned about my well-being.
"Okay, fine." I sighed. "When I see Kevin and Thomas together, I'm reminded a lot of my mom, Leila. The boys wouldn't know it, but they both look a lot like her. That's really saying something because I'm her spitting image!"
My companions were now giving me their complete attention because the subject of my mother has always been a sketchy one with their husbands.
"I look at the boys, and I wonder why and how mom could've walked away from them and their dad when she did. Thomas was just a baby!"
I brushed my tears away with the back of my hand, the same way that Grayson does when he cries.
"There are a lot of things I don't get about the way mom ran her life, but once I learned that I had brothers, I always wondered how things would've been if I'd grown up with them."
"You do realize," Jenny said seriously. "That you probably wouldn't have been born if Leila hadn't left Henry for your father, don't you?"
"Yes, Jenny, I do realize that."
I flexed my fingers as a nervous habit.
"I figured that out a long time ago, but it's also brought some harsh realities with it."
"Oh?"
"If I hadn't been born, I wouldn't know either of you or Emily, and I most certainly wouldn't know Jung, Shakayla or Grayson."
The baby arched her back in the small space she was confined to and gave me a gentle nudge with her hand in response to me absently tracing shapes over her with a finger.
"Zoe Jane wouldn't be here, either…"
There was a moment of silence in the kitchen as the other two patiently waited for me to collect my thoughts. (They both knew that I wasn't okay, despite what I'd said to Jung, so they were going to wait for me as long as it took) When I next spoke, it was with a shaky sigh.
"I never met my dad because he died when I was born, so I've never had a reason to miss him, but my mom…"
Jenny and Emily made soothing noises as my eyes filled up with tears again. Their comfort gave me the strength to keep going.
"Before she fell to the wayside I left her because of the drugs, she was very lovely and she adored me. But for all the times I've wondered about why she walked away from the boys and their dad, I always wonder how things would be right now if I'd actually been on speaking terms with mom before she was killed because I was fifteen the last time I saw her."
I sighed again.
"It makes me wonder if I'm allowed to miss her."
"Everyone is allowed to miss their parents when they've died, sweetie." Jenny said calmly.
I didn't mean to, but I snapped at her because of my loopy pregnancy hormones. "How can you say that? Both of your parents are alive and well, happily in love and married to each other!"
The blond woman said nothing and promptly shut her mouth, not saying anything because she knew I had a very good point. Emily, who wasn't one for standing down so quickly, opened her mouth to reply, but feeling all kinds of moody, I cut her off.
"You can't say anything, either because you also come from a good family!"
"Be that as it may, Matilda Brigid Therese," she put emphasis on my middle names. "My parents' may have been picturesque to everybody, but it really started going south towards the end because they fought!"
I stared at her in surprise. Why was she talking about her parents like they weren't around anymore?
"Melissa was the only person who ever saw mum and dad argue because they were too damned polite to do it around Maddie and me. My poor baby sister would come hang out with us and stay the night because of how worried she would be."
She fixed me with an icy glare that made me flinch. "You aren't the only one with problems and a dysfunctional family! Get a grip on yourself!"
Even though I knew that Emily was getting snappish because her pregnancy hormones were messing with her brain, as well, but I was taken aback by her sudden change in tone, as was Jenny, so I spoke to her as calmly as I could.
"All right, Em, I'll get a grip."
"Good."
"What's this about your parents fighting?"
"Just that—they fought." She responded. "Melissa knows why but won't tell Madison or me. The inescapable fact is that all of their fighting happened in the last six months."
"What are you talking about?"
Jenny's eyes went round with realization as a new thought hit her, and she turned to the other woman
"She doesn't know about what happened to Elijah and Lucy…"
Emily swore softly.
I cleared my throat, so I could have their attention again. "I'd appreciate it if you two stopped talking about me like I'm not here and told me about what happened to Mr. and Mrs. Queller."
Emily was very blunt as she turned to face me. "A little less than three years ago, my parents were murdered in Central Park at night!"
My stomach bottomed out upon hearing her words and Zoe Jane gave a swift kick to the side of my stomach in annoyance.
"Oh, my God! That's terrible, Emily! I'm so sorry!"
She nodded in acknowledgement as she continued. "Melissa suffered the worse in the aftermath of it, but it's going to be some time before you can get her to tell you why; I became so depressed that almost cost me my job; and Madison almost ran herself ragged in trying to take care of Melissa because she was the only witness to murders!"
"Where are you going with all of this?" I did my best to tread lightly because I didn't want her to go ballistic on me. "What does this have to do with missing your parents after they've died?"
Emily's voice became hardened. "Because my parents were a pair of lovely people with sketchy backgrounds like Leila was, but the apologized to each other and to Melissa literally minutes before they were attacked."
She rubbed her distended midsection for a minute and shifted in her seat as her baby moved around inside her. Jenny continued to watch us quietly.
"But through all of that craziness in the last few months, I was always close with my parents. Were you close with Leila?"
"My mom was the very best friend I ever had…"
"That kind of best friend is always part of you—family or not."
"I can't argue on that one."
"Neither can I." Jenny agreed softly.
Emily leaned forward and held my hands in hers. "It would be all kinds of wrong to not mourn the loss of that kind of bond."
"Because it's like you're ignoring a part of yourself that's very crucial to the way your system is run—like your brain."
"That's the concept, yes," she nodded. "But I was thinking of it more as ignoring your heart."
I sat back in my chair, absently holding her hand to my belly as the baby moved. The feeling of having had a huge revelation was working its way through my system.
"Matilda," Jenny said at length. "Do you understand what Emily's been telling you?"
"I do, Jenny," My voice became a whimper as my bottom lip trembled. "But I just wish that someone had been this nice to me when I was younger so I wouldn't have had to spend most of my life alone! I was just a kid when I went to fly solo. I couldn't see any other choice at the time, but I still didn't deserve that!"
Unable to keep my tears back any longer, I began to cry my eyes out. My sisters-in-law did nothing but comfort me.
And for that, I was thankful.
What do you think of the new characters? Let me know! Oh, and I borrowed the name Zoe Jane from a song by that title by the band Staind. It's very sweet :) Last note: I'm going to hold the next chapter hostage until I get four or more reviews. If Lily Joy is any indication, I know you're more than capable of hitting the review button down there.