Disclaimer: Are you kidding me?! Santa Claus IS real! However, Naruto is a fictional character and all of his adventures and whatnot were created by Kishimoto. Happy? You better not sue me this time, lawyers! 0.o
Naruto: I'm gonna be Hokage!
Hooker: And I'll be the Hoekage!
Naruto: What's a Hoekage?
Hooker: It's like the master of all the whores in the world. I think the current one is...Sakura? I think.
Naruto: Oh, that makes sense! Dattebayo! (Yay, he finally used 'dattebayo')
A/N to the readers: Sorry for the delay, but I had to make a trip to Connecticut and my parents also almost found out that I was writing violent and horrendously weird fanfics, which I claimed my demented friend made. So, I had to lay off for a couple of days. )
Chapter 24: Miscarriage?! Kurenai's Results
Last chapter, Hinata got a bunch of gifts, Shikamaru became a bisexual, Sasuke got even more emo, and Sakura turned even fatter than Choji after her Level 2 Curse Seal (who knew?). For more detail, see Ch 23
-Sakura's POV-
Sakura, who failed to kill Naruto and Hinata 5 minutes ago, was running, trying to find Itachi Uchiha out in the open. She had only one method. The Fangirl Tracking Chip she installed into Itachi nine years earlier.
'He's...200 MILES FROM HERE?! My damn legs hurt from being fat five minutes ago! And to think I dissed Choji all those times...Ow...' she thought, jumping in the grass, hoping no one would find her. Sakura's ruptured lung just began healing and she was coughing up some blood. But that wasn't the matter then. She had to kill Hinata as soon as possible! She had to...
'I have to find the Akatsuki! And have sex with them! Even Konan and Fish Boy!' Sakura thought, as being an impromptu hooker would be more than enough payment for admission.
-Everyone else's POV-
As the party had to come to an early close because of Sakura's interruption, Shikamaru was walking out, holding hands with both of his new dates. Temari and...Sai!
Sai was joyfully walking and explained, "Well, this is convenient. Temari's straight, I like penis, and you like everything! Penis!"
Shikamaru replied, "Well, thanks for the Jiraiya-like commentary, Mr. Troublesome."
"Don't you mean Mr. Nara?" Sai said flirtatiously as Shikamaru replied, "Knock it off...we're not even married yet. Troublesome..."
"How about both of you knock it off before I have to shove my fan up your..." Temari said before she stopped, seeing Shikamaru blushing and Sai getting double nosebleeds.
"Sigh...I forgot. Never mind." Temari said resentfully as she wondered what troubles a triple-relationship would bring.
Just nearby, Naruto heard a ringing sound from Kurenai's dress, and she took out a cell phone, running to answer it. Naruto, with all curiosity, followed before a tree branch knocked him on the head. 'Genjutsu!' he thought before fainting from the dull pain in his numb head.
Naruto saw ramen. Pools of ramen. Mountains of ramen!
'I must be dreaming! Ramen! Yay!' Naruto said as he took a huge scoop and slurped up the noodles before he started to choke.
"Ack! This ramen tastes like badly made medicine!" Naruto said before he started to see three blurry figures.
"Hinata-chan? Kurenai-sensei? And...that hobo from Chapter 1! Why are you still in this fanfic?!" Naruto yelled.
"Um...W-What's a fanfic?" Hinata asked Naruto, as he said, "Eh...Nothing."
"O-Okay. But Kurenai-sensei's baby just came off of life s-support. N-Naruto-kun, do you want to visit him?" Hinata asked hopefully.
"Sure! Wait, life support?!" Naruto asked, as Kurenai answered, "My baby was born premature, so the medics had to take him and make sure he wasn't in critical condition. That's why I even showed up to the tournament...because they wouldn't let me see my baby. But now I can! Let's go!"
Kurenai was unusually cheerful and hyperactive as she ran to the hospital as fast as possible and Hinata barely managed to follow. Naruto wasn't even close, he was picking up take-out ramen from Ichiraku's, and was eating the whole nine bowls. When they arrived, a medic with a bald head said, "You may see your baby now...wait, who are those two?"
"Hinata Uzumaki and Naruto Hyuga...wait, that's not right! Just let me see my boy!" Kurenai said in panic, and Hinata was blushing pink from the misstatement.
"Okay, first, you have to fill out these 157 forms for release and security, and..." the medic started saying before Kurenai trampled him over, yelling, "MY BABY!"
Naruto gave a blank look at the flattened medic, with four broken teeth, on the ground and Hinata said, "G-Gomen...my sensei's not like this normally. Bye!" as they both ran off from the pissed-off medic.
Kurenai then bodyslammed the next two unfortunate medics blocking her path as Hinata followed, saying, "Gomen" again and Naruto ran slowly after, sipping the rest of his ramen and accidentally stepping on the poor medics' heads. Kurenai rammed a door open and in it were many infants, who were all crying from the sudden interlude. All except one.
He was slightly chubby and already had black hair. He also had some kind of a headstrong expression on his face as he reached up for his mother, who was already hugging him.
"He's...so cute!" Hinata commented, as Naruto was sitting on the sidelines, glad she didn't say 'KAWAII!!' like most other girls would've.
"So, what's his name?" Naruto asked, throwing his ramen cup away.
"I thought about it for awhile...and I think I'll name him in regard to Asuma-kun...His name is Kafushi. (A/N: "Knuckle Dagger", please comment if "Fushika" sounds better)"
"Congratulations, Kurenai-sensei! I guess I'll be getting some sleep...or ramen, whichever comes first," Naruto said, being the first to walk out.
"Good night!" Kurenai and Hinata said, while Naruto gave Hinata a quick hug before walking off into the darkness. Then, Kiba and Shino ran in the hospital, running over the unlucky medics again, as they screamed in agony. Ignoring them, Kiba and Shino made their way to Kurenai, then smiled, seeing her new baby, Kafushi Sarutobi.
That night, after Naruto slipped into his sheets and started to slumber, he had nightmares. Horrible nightmares.
Naruto started to wake up...but his entire 4-year supply of instant ramen noodles were gone! Naruto yelled, "NOOOO!!" before running outside to tell the terrible news to Hinata, but she was kissing his friend, Sasuke, for some odd reason. Then, in the sidelines, Sai said, "Penis no Jutsu!"
What happened next...is a mystery.
"WHY?!" Naruto yelled, experiencing the second-worst scenario in his whole life, other than the time Kyuubi was forced in his body. "WHY ME?!"
Then...he woke up. Again.
"Whew...It's just a dream! I knew Hinata-chan wouldn't do that to me!" Naruto said with relief as he walked down the stairs to check his e-mail on his terribly old computer with Windows 95 software. As slow as it was, it had no viruses. Naruto walked in to find a white-haired figure typing into the screen and downloading images of naked women.
"Ero-sennin?!...NOOOOOOO!! MY COMPUTER HAS VIRUSES!" Naruto yelled, experiencing even more trauma as Jiraiya said back, "Sorry, kid. I have to use your computer because mine has too many viruses from my research."
Naruto started to scream and cry until he woke up. In the real Konoha this time. Then, he saw Rock Lee and Gaara outside his window, hugging while cosplaying (dressed up) as Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley.
"Please tell me I'm still in a dream," Naruto said sarcastically, knowing this one was actually in real life. He jumped out of bed, ran to Ichiraku's, and got some freshly made ramen before heading off to the Hyugas for a particular reason. Then, as he walked the streets of Konoha, he saw a blanket and three figures under it, being Temari, Shikamaru, and Sai. All of them appeared to have no clothes on.
As Shikamaru woke up, he was shocked to see Naruto right in front of him and more shocked to see who he was sleeping next to. Most of all, he had no clothes!
"Aah! Naruto...This isn't what it looks like!" Shikamaru said, as Naruto said, "I don't wanna know...enough nightmares for one day." and ran off.
Soon, Sai and Temari were almost waking up, and Sai started touching something very hard and long, and Sai said, "Mm...Shika-kun..."
Then, Temari woke up completely and stepped on Sai's head, yelling, "That's my fan you're fantasizing about, baka!" as Sai woke up also, saw what he had his hand on, and said, "Eep! Not a penis! Penis!"
Shikamaru started wincing afterward and said, "Okay..."
Then, the random hobo from earlier walked on to the plain with the three and he said, "Uh...can I join you?"
That was enough to cause Temari, Shikamaru, and Sai to scurry for their lives. "Sigh...I hate being a hobo," the hobo said, disappointed.
-Meanwhile, at Hyuga Residence-
Many branch members were crowded around the royal seat, that Hiashi was booted off of three hours earlier and was now replaced by a more fit Hyuga.
"Thank you for removing my Caged Bird seal, Neji-sama."
"Here's your breakfast, Neji-sama."
"May I please get a raise, Neji-sama?"
"Stop calling me Neji-sama! I mean, really! I don't smell and I don't live in a retirement home! It's not even my destiny to!" Neji, the new Head of the Hyugas, said angrily.
"I think you need some anger management classes, Neji-sama." Hanabi said. If there's one passion she had, it was pissing off her older cousin.
"WHY ME?!" Neji yelled loudly.
"Um...s-so, are you ready to go, Neji-sama? I mean...nii-san..." Hinata said, afraid she'd get her head screamed off by Neji.
Before Neji could react, Tenten and Naruto came out of a random bush and yelled, "Ready, Neji-sama?!"
"AAAAAAAUGH!!" Neji said, unable to take it anymore. He took a dead chicken and smacked everyone in the head with it before running furiously out of the Hyuga residence.
Then, as Naruto, Hinata, and Tenten started to join him, an emo popped out of nowhere, and he had a duck's butt on his head.
"Sasuke!" Naruto reacted, seeing his pal still intact. "So, how did your trial go yesterday?"
"Well, Lady Tsunade wanted to imprison me for 9 years, but the Council decided on 47 minutes, so I get 47 minutes," Sasuke happily explained, then, he said, "Hello, Hinata. Tenten. You look quite good today."
Then, Naruto interrupted Sasuke's flirting and said, "Yeah...but I'm with Hinata and everyone knew Neji would be with Tenten the whole time, so you better not be flirting with them."
Sasuke started blushing, but used a Chidori to cover it, making everyone somewhat suspicious.
"Well, then...I guess we should all go to the arena now. Uh...Hinata, that looks heavy, should I carry it?" Sasuke asked awkwardly.
'Heavy? I doubt my purse weighs 1 pound!' Hinata thought as she shook her head, and Sasuke sweatdropped. 'This is gonna be harder than I thought.'
Naruto and Hinata decided to run away from this new, peculiar Sasuke, as he seemed weirder than his old, silent self. Tenten followed, and Sasuke started crying again, thinking, 'Is it my fate to end up with a bitchy fangirl?'
When Naruto and Hinata finally arrived to the arena for the second day of fighting, a green guy's fist smacked Naruto right in the temple, and he started to wobble before falling down, and Hinata ran to get a first-aid kit before the green guy, who was Rock Lee, said, "You are late, Naruto-san! Truancy is not a sign of youth! Santa Claus is disappointed at you! YOUTH!" before Naruto rolled his eyes at Lee.
Hinata, who just came back, grabbed a shovel and started smacking Rock Lee in the head also. He dodged the next three shots and ate the shovel.
"H-How is that possible?! And N-Naruto-kun...are you okay?" Hinata said with concern before Naruto nodded.
Lee replied, "I consume healthy minerals five times a day! That is why they call me Rock Lee!" before everyone in the vicinity fell down, anime-style, except Naruto, who fell up because he was already down.
Before long, everyone settled down into their seats or areas, and Tsunade called, "Alright, it's the second day of the Hokage Competition and the next round is.." before she was interrupted by a call of, "BOOBIES!!"
Tsunade continued, "Jiraiya, you baka...looks like you're drunk this time! Sorry for that, folks, the next round is Hinata versus Iruka!"
Naruto ran up and grabbed both of them, to their shock, and Naruto said, "Good luck, both of you guys! But Iruka-sensei, don't go crazy on Hinata-chan!"
Iruka nodded, then ran down, but nobody cared what happened next because a Rock Lee impostor just grabbed Tenten and ran off with her!
"Lee-teme! Give her back!" Neji said, before the real Lee said, "I am right behind you, Neji-san. That is a fake."
"Oh..."
Sorry if this chapter seemed a bit filler, but the next one is the start of more fighting! And Tenten just got kidnapped by a green-wearing guy! I wonder who he is...3 hints: He's Italian, he eats mushrooms, and he's in my username. All in the next episode! Hinata vs. Iruka and Luigi kidnapping Tenten!
Match results so far:
(18)Hinata def. (1) Kakashi
(17)Sakura def. (2)Gai;
Quarterfinal match: (18)Hinata def. (17)Sakura
(15)Naruto def. (16)Konohamaru def. (3)Neji
(4)Kurenai def. (14)Choji;
Quarterfinal match: (15)Naruto def. (4)Kurenai
(10)Sai def. (5)Ibiki def. (13)Kiba
(6)Iruka def. (12)Ino
Quarterfinal match: (6)Iruka def. (10)Sai
(7)Lee def. (11) Shikamaru
(9)Tenten def. (8)Shino
Quarterfinal match: (7)Lee def. (9)Tenten
Semifinal Matchups:
(18)Hinata vs. (6)Iruka
(15)Naruto vs. (7)Lee
Votes for who wins: (NOTE: One vote per person per poll. That means you can't vote for the same category again next chapter.)
Hinata or Naruto? (New Poll! Because it was pretty obvious that both would win, and I'm actually giving a choice for this! lol)
(6 to 3; Naruto), and the funny thing is, I actually wanted Hinata to win, because it would be interesting to write. Oh, well, this is less complicated :)
I got a suggestion from Mr. Psycho that Hinata and Naruto's match should be in the finals, instead of the semifinals.
When do you want to see them fight? Semis or Finals?
(5 to 1; Finals)
(NOTE: One vote per person per poll. That means you can't vote for the same category again next chapter.)
POLL: Sakura's Death:
Sakura will die thanks to your votes, so how do you want her fatality?
Also, she will go into other plot twists, such as Akatsuki, because I want her to die dramatically :)
Guillotine (1 vote)
Tickle torture (6 votes) (I got so many anonymous votes for this one that I'm not counting anonymous votes for this category anymore. It might be one person voting multiple times 0.o)
Disembowelment (3 votes)
Ramen force-feed (2 votes)
Sex change/suicide (1 vote)
Penis no Jutsu (1 vote)
Everything (3 votes)
Other (1 vote, involving a bunch of things)