Chapter 27: Together Again
One month later, things seemed to be improving slightly for most. Naruko moved in with Gaara as their relationship became more serious, but she came over to visit Sasuke often. Her stomach was huge, and it was hard to believe that she was only five months along. Gaara came less often, due to still being on the scavenging team, but when he did he always brought something with him, like a picture or a vase or some other room accessory. Sasuke had so many home décor accessories from Gaara's trips that he had no idea what to do with them all, so sometimes he gave the stuff away to Sayuki and Sasaki, or to Hinata and her girlfriend Amaru, who had turned up in March outside the gates, begging to be let in.
As for Sasuke himself, life without Naruto seemed to not only have not improved but had gotten worse, though the raven didn't know how it could have gotten worse. He was frequently distracted and irritable during clan head meetings with Hiashi. He still burst into tears frequently and with very little provocation, got migraines almost every other day, and spent many sleepless nights in bed holding the urn that contained Naruto's ashes, crying and missing the warmth of Naruto's body against his; often when he did fall asleep he woke up hugging his pillow instead of resting his head on it and with a deep aching pain in his neck. Gaara was trying to find a suitable replacement for the pillow that was about the size of a human, but so far had had no luck finding anything other than a blowup sex doll, which Sasuke had immediately vetoed.
There was a stray pregnant female calico that came around a lot. A few days before Naruko had moved into Kiba's old apartment next door with Gaara, Sasuke had been awakened in the middle of the night by the sound of rain, as well as a faint yowling and scratching on the door. He had been fully prepared to shoo away the cat making the annoying noise, but the second he'd opened the door a wet ball of fur had shot between his legs and dived under the writing desk. Upon somewhat closer inspection the cat was revealed to be a pregnant female. He'd received some nasty gashes trying to dislodge her and so finally just gave up and went back to bed.
He had hoped she would be gone when he woke up –he could barely find the energy to take care of himself, much less an animal- but it was not to be. When the raven woke up, Naruko was playing with the calico and cooing at her, and she was purring. The sight warmed his heart a little –at least more than it had been since Naruto's death- and he'd let Naruko talk him into jointly caring for the cat, who now only responded to the name Koko-chan, with her. Sometimes when the stress of running the Uchiha clan on top of trying to get over his husband's death became too much, Sasuke would lie down on the floor, and if she was around Koko-chan would come over and curl up on his stomach. It helped him forget his irritation and grief, if only for a little while.
The nightmares were back. When he fell asleep in Naruto's arms the nightmares had gone away for the most part, or at least not mattered as much, and Naruko's presence had helped mitigate them somewhat, but now that the apartment was empty they came back full force. Naruko and Gaara had taken Kiba's old apartment so they could keep a closer eye on Sasuke, and one night the dreams had been so bad that when they ran into the raven's apartment, awakened by terrified screams, they'd found him huddled in a corner on the floor between the couch and the wall, shaking and crying and saying "It's my fault" over and over again.
Sasuke hated it all… He hated the dreams; he hated the emptiness; he hated Hiashi, for assigning Naruto to the scavenging team; he hated Naruko and Gaara, for being around so often when most times he just wanted to be left alone to cry and hate himself; he hated Naruto, for insisting on being a part of the scavenging team and leaving him like this; and he hated himself most of all, for letting Naruto go and for not being able to move on as his husband had asked him to do. More than once he caught himself looking longingly at his kusanagi, wanting to end it all with two deep gashes, one on each forearm, or maybe just one across his throat, or a quick thrust through the heart. He was actually amazed that Naruko hadn't taken away the weapon…
He just wanted to die, to be with Naruto again. But death was merciful, and if there was anyone planning their lives and deaths, as Naruko seemed to so fervently believe, Sasuke was willing to bet that they or it planned to make him suffer as much as possible before finally letting him die.
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One day in late July, Sasuke was startled out of his sleep by a cacophony of noise. Sitting bolt up right, he looked around frantically for the sound of the noise. As it turned out, he didn't have to look far; Naruko was sitting cross-legged on the floor in the study, wearing a party hat and blowing a whistle while spinning a noisemaker around. When she saw the raven, she grinned.
"Happy birthday, Sasuke-chan!" she yelled.
The ebony-haired teenager sat up and groggily looked around for the calendar. It verified that today was indeed July twenty-second, his seventeenth birthday.
"You've got to be shitting me," he muttered, looking out the bedroom window at the dark sky. "What time is it?"
"It's nine o'clock at night," said Naruko, rubbing Koko-chan's stomach, which like her own was getting bigger every day. "You slept all day. I think you're turning into a slacker, Sasuke-chan!"
Said Uchiha groaned. He couldn't believe he'd slept the entire day.
"Look, Naruko," he said, "I appreciate the sentiment, sweetie, really I do, but even when I was feeling fine and everything hadn't gone to hell in a handbasket I didn't like my birthday."
The look on Naruko's face would have been comical if Sasuke were in the mood for laughter.
"You don't like your birthday?!" she said, shocked. "But everyone likes their birthday, Sasuke-chan! Presents and cake and dancing and getting drunk and birthday sex… There are so many reasons to like your birthday!"
"Yeah, okay," said the raven, crossing his arms over his chest, "but you're forgetting that I'm not everyone. You're talking to one of the few people in the world who hates sweets and has never been to a dance in his life."
Naruko's jaw dropped.
"Oh my god," she said faintly, "do you live in a cave or something?"
"Yes," responded Sasuke with a straight face. "Now go away and let me go back to sleep."
"You can't still be tired," said Naruko incredulously. "You slept all day and all of last night, for the first time in a month and a half. How can you still be tired?"
"That's what I'm thinking too," said the raven dryly. "It's probably the sleeping pills I took."
"Well that explains why I didn't get woken up by the usual screaming last night," said the blonde wryly.
"Probably," he said, turning away, though he didn't miss Naruko's look of worry before he did. "Now go away." 'And stop fucking worrying about me; I don't want your pity!' he mentally shouted.
Instead of going away, Naruko waddled over and sat down on the end of the bed… right on top of Sasuke's feet. The sudden weight was incredibly painful, and the raven cried out as he felt something pop in his right ankle. The pregnant blonde immediately jumped up, and when she realized where she'd sat, her hands went to her mouth. Koko-chan waddled away as fast as her legs would carry her, hissing her displeasure at the loud noise.
"Oh god, Sasuke, I'm so sorry!" she cried. "Are you all right?!" Without waiting for an answer she pulled back the covers.
The raven's left foot had been turned to the side when Naruko inadvertently sat on him and had been supported by the mattress, so hadn't been hurt. His right leg, on the other hand, had been extended with the toes turned upward, and when Naruko had sat down, she'd sat on the sole of his foot, pushing the foot back until tendons tore. The ankle was already swelling. Naruko gasped.
"Holy shit," she said. "I'll get some ice! Don't move!" she said, running into the kitchen.
'I can't move, thanks to you!' Inner Sasuke said irritably. The raven looked down at his ankle, which was already turning a dark purple, and gritted his teeth against the pain that shot up his leg when he tried to move it to a more comfortable position.
Naruko came back in a few minutes with a bag of ice wrapped in a dish towel and a pillow. She placed the raven's ankle on top of the pillow, and then put the bag of ice upon it. He gasped and shuddered as the cold package touched his skin, then winced as the shudder made his right leg move slightly.
Naruko looked at him worriedly, and he angrily wished she would go away. It was irrational anger; he knew that she hadn't meant to sit on him and sprain his ankle, and he didn't even think he was really mad at her per se. He tried to tell himself that, to calm down, but he felt resentment bubbling up anyway.
"Do you need anything?" she asked after a little while. "A drink? Sleeping pills? Pain-killers? I could stay with you tonight; Gaara's not due to return until tomorrow. I could sleep on the couch-"
"Naruko," Sasuke hissed through clenched teeth, "go away."
"I could- wait what?" said the blonde.
"I said," said the raven, gritting his teeth, "go away. My head hurts, my leg hurts, and I am sick and tired of being pitied by you and Gaara. I do it enough by myself."
"S-Sasuke-chan…?" said Naruko uncertainly, her eyes betraying bewilderment.
Sasuke would have just stopped there, but a dam had been opened, and now he couldn't stop the resentment from pouring out.
"Why do I have to repeat myself?!" he snapped. "I am sick and tired of being pitied and treated like a sick person, or an unreasonable child, or a ticking time bomb! Do you think I don't notice it when you and Gaara talk in low tones? I'm still grieving, Naruko; that doesn't mean I don't pay attention!"
"So what if we're worried?!" Naruko yelled back. "It's been a month and a half since Naruto died, and when you're not busy with work or in meetings with Hiashi-san you're either sleeping fitfully or sitting next to Nii-san's grave crying! It's been a little over a month, for fuck's sakes, and you're still acting like it happened yesterday!"
"You weren't the one who had to shoot him!" Sasuke screamed at her. "You aren't the one with his blood on your hands! Do you have any idea how it feels, knowing that you're the one who killed your own husband and that you could have prevented it from happening?!"
"You couldn't have; you weren't there when he was bitten!" the blonde cried.
"I could have!" the raven said, anguish in his dark sapphire eyes. "When we created the list of all able-bodied men in the community Naruto's name was on the list. I couldn't exclude him, but when I was told he was going to go on scavenging missions to the cities I balked and said no. Hiashi didn't like the decision but he accepted it. Naruto didn't agree; if Kiba was going to be risking his life to bring supplies back here, he wanted to be there with him. We got into a huge fight over it, and eventually I caved; Kiba was his best friend, and I was being irrational anyhow, and maybe even a little jealous of his bond with Kiba. I wish I hadn't given in; he might still be alive."
By the time he'd finished telling Naruko he was crying. This made him hate himself even more. He was seventeen now, not seven; he should be able to control his emotions and not burst into tears at the slightest provocation. This was pathetic. The thought just made him cry harder.
A hand gently brushed his shoulder, but he shrugged it off. He didn't want sympathy; Naruko should hate him for killing her brother. After all, he couldn't forgive himself; what use was someone else's forgiveness?
There was a certain tenseness in the air.
"You couldn't have stopped him anyways, Sasuke-chan," Naruko finally said softly. "He loved you deeply and unconditionally, but he was his own man, with his own reasons for doing things. None of this was your fault, or Naruto's, or Hiashi's, or anyone else's. It was simply a part of God's plan."
Shortly afterward there came the quiet sound of retreating footsteps and padding paws, and the door slid open and then shut again as she and Koko-chan left.
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An hour later, all tears finally exhausted, Sasuke got out of bed, ignoring the pain from his sprained ankle, and limped over to his desk. Sinking onto the floor in front of it, he picked up the picture of him and Naruto on their wedding day and looked at the blond's smiling face. He was so happy, not knowing that he had a little less than six months to live. They were both so happy, not knowing that they only had less than six months to enjoy their time as a married couple.
Looking at the picture, Sasuke came to a conclusion. He couldn't do it anymore. He'd tried for only a month and a half, but every day the pain and grief only got worse, and he couldn't keep living without Naruto. Life without Naruto was like living in a world with no air and no color. He knew Naruto would be disappointed with him, but he wanted to see his husband again, to feel those strong protective arms around him, to hear his name coming out of the blond's mouth.
Taking up a pen and a piece of paper, he began to write. All the while, the small urn stood in its spot of honor on the desk, beckoning to him.
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Gaara sighed in relief. This was the last time he would go on scavenging duty for a while, thank goodness; he wanted to take care of Naruko and her twins, and he didn't want a repeat of what had happened last month. Naruko and Sasuke were still recovering from the shock and grief associated with Naruto's death, and another death of someone close to them would send the two of them over the edge, he was sure. Of course, he was less worried about Naruko doing something stupid; she had her twins to care for.
When he got to the quarters he and Naruko shared and opened the door, he saw that the bed was empty, and there was a light on in the living room slash kitchenette. Going into the room, he saw her sitting on the sofa, a mug of tea in one hand, the other rubbing that stupid cat's swollen belly soothingly. Honestly, Gaara didn't know why it seemed to like Naruko and Sasuke but not him, even though he was usually the one who put out milk for it when it came to him and Naruko.
When Gaara stepped in Naruko looked up, revealing tired sky blue eyes, and smiled wanly at him.
"Hey," she said softly.
"Hey yourself," said Gaara, kissing her, ignoring Koko-chan's irritable hiss at him for taking away her source of stomach rubs. "I know I'm early, but here I am… How are you? How are the twins?"
"They're healthy, but they're moving around more than I'd like them to," replied Naruko dryly. "I think they're going to become great gymnasts someday. As for me, I'm tired. I couldn't fall asleep."
"Why?" asked the redhead.
"Just worrying," she said. She didn't have to clarify; Gaara knew what she meant.
"How is Sasuke?" he asked.
"Well, I learned that he doesn't like his birthday," said the blonde wryly. "I've never met anyone who doesn't like their birthday."
"Well, Sasuke isn't 'anyone'," said Gaara. "He's just odd like that. That didn't really answer my question though."
Naruko's face fell.
"Well, I went to sit on the end of the bed and accidentally sat on his foot at a bad angle and sprained his ankle. Then we got into a fight."
"What was it about?" asked Gaara, surprised. Sasuke and Naruko were usually on very good terms.
"Nothing in particular," said Naruko, and Gaara saw the truth of what she said in her eyes. "He still blames himself for Naruto's death even though they made a pact and believes I should hate him. I don't know how to convince him otherwise. I tried to tell him that, but he wasn't in the mood. Of course, I might have created that particular problem, since I woke him up with a party noisemaker."
Gaara blanched.
"Are you trying to get yourself killed?" he sputtered. "The first and only time I did something like that we were ten. I woke Sasuke up with an air horn as a prank and he almost strangled me. I say almost because Itachi came in to see what the yelling was about and pulled him off. My throat hurts just thinking about it. Come to think of it, he almost killed Itachi too, for laughing at him."
Naruko laughed, but then sobered quickly.
"But seriously, I'm worried about him," she said. "I woke him up at nine tonight, and he said it might be because he'd taken sleeping pills the night before. I'd like to know where he got sleeping pills since when I left I took away everything except his kusanagi to keep him from attempting suicide, first of all; and secondly, no kind of sleeping pill can knock you out for that long unless you're overdosing on them."
Shit.
"Why did you leave his kusanagi?"
"In case the compound is overrun and he needs to defend himself," said Naruko.
"You know what, I'm going to go check on him," said Gaara, getting to his feet.
"He'll probably be asleep," Naruko said quietly. "When I left he was crying again, and crying really tires a person out. Besides, a sprained ankle doesn't allow for a lot of mobility."
"Maybe not, but I still want to make sure he hasn't done anything stupid."
"Define 'hasn't done anything stupid'," said Naruko sardonically.
"Heh," said Gaara as he put his shoes back on.
When he was outside Sasuke's living quarters, he noted that all lights were off. Maybe Naruko was right and the raven-haired teenager was asleep, but Gaara had a distinctly uneasy feeling in his stomach. Lifting his hand, he knocked on the door.
"Hey, Taka-kun," he called softly, using his friend's childhood nickname, but no one answered. He did the same thing at the bedroom door, but there was still no answer, so he let himself in.
The place was as silent as a tomb. Nothing stirred, and the only noise Gaara could hear was the distant rumble of thunder. A flash of lightning briefly lit up the interior of the bedroom, showing Sasuke to be exactly where Naruko had predicted he would be; in bed, asleep.
But if he were asleep, Gaara would be able to hear slow and even breathing, wouldn't he?
The redhead moved around the bed to Sasuke's side, but he tripped over something and went sprawling. Whatever it was rattled as it rolled away, and Gaara's heart froze in his chest. The rattle sounded like that of a medicine bottle. Standing back up, his heart full of dread, already knowing what he would find, he clicked on the bedside lamp.
His presumption was right; Sasuke wasn't breathing, and his already pale skin was now the color of white marble. He must have been dead for somewhere around an hour. Dark locks fanned out over the pillow, making alabaster skin seem positively ghostly, and a small smile graced his lips. One delicate feminine hand was upturned, hanging limply over the side of the bed, and when Gaara looked down he saw small white pills scattered on the floor. Not far away was the medicine bottle that he had tripped over. The other hand rested lightly on the raven's chest, and in that hand was a note. Gaara numbly took the note from Sasuke's hand, briefly noting how cold it was, and opened it.
おい、ヶアラ と ナルコ。
By the time you read this, I will (hopefully) be elsewhere. Hopefully it's wherever Naruto happens to be at this moment in time, because I miss him. A lot. 'Ruko-chan, I apologize for taking my frustration and anger out on you earlier. Gaara, I'm sorry. I know you're coming back tomorrow night, and I would have liked to see you again before I went through with this. Please don't blame yourselves; I'm sorry I couldn't be stronger.
I've been trying to move on, but it seems that the more I try to move on, the more I get held back, and now I realize it's because I can't live without Naruto. The harder I try to move on, the more it hurts. Things that I used to enjoy, like drawing or listening to music, give me no comfort. When I look at the world it now seems devoid of all color, of all life. I find myself thinking about suicide almost constantly, crying more, and suffering from insomnia. (It seems fitting then that I would choose to end my life simply by falling asleep.) Everything and everyone reminds me of Naruto. Sometimes I feel like I'm going insane from the grief. I'm sick of going through the motions of trying to move on when for all intents and purposes I died last month with Naruto.
You and Naruko make a great couple, Gaara. Take care of each other, and of the twins. Everything that was mine and Naruto's is now yours. The only request I have is for you to mix my ashes with his.
貴様 の 友達、
うちは サスケ
A scream of shock and horror came from the direction of the doorway, and Gaara looked up to see Naruko standing there, her hands over her face. As he watched she took slow steps toward the bed and then sank to the floor, shaking.
"Oh god," she murmured faintly as Gaara went to her and wrapped her in his arms, hiding the body from her line of sight. "I should have stayed… I should have stayed…"
Gaara felt a stab of anger, and a pang of sorrow. He was angry at Sasuke for killing himself when there were still people who obviously cared. But he also felt sorrow, because he'd watched his best friend struggle to carry on with life over the last month and a half, and guilt, because he'd subconsciously known for a while that this was coming and hadn't done anything as a precaution against it. He had denied the signs; he had swept them under the rug, believing that Sasuke was strong enough to deal with the grief, and now Sasuke was dead.
Gaara remembered the assembly they'd sat through as ninth graders, about how to recognize signs of suicidal behavior, and how he and Sasuke had scoffed and told each other they'd never do something so stupid. They'd even made lists of all the things they had to live for and given them to each other, that way if they started feeling that way they'd have someone else to remind them what they were here on Earth for. He still had Sasuke's in his bedroom at home, and he vaguely wondered if Sasuke had held onto his.
That memory triggered something in him, and suddenly he couldn't keep the building tears in anymore. He began to cry, and Naruko held onto him, trying to comfort him. Thunder rumbled, much closer this time, and it started to rain. It was as if the sky were commiserating with them, sharing their grief.
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Naruto: T_T Well, that was thoroughly depressing.
Me: -.- After you died it got more interesting for a short period of time.
Naruto: 8( Hey!
Sasuke: -_- So, what now?
Me: ^.^ Well, there are two more chapters.
Sasuke: About what?
Me: o.O Well, the final one is the afterward.
Naruto: O.o But what about the next chapter?
Me: -_- Guess you'll have to wait and see like everyone else.
Naruto: -Pouts- You're no fun! 8(
Me: '-_- Oh, bite me. I'm plenty of fun.
Naruto: So is your mom in bed! 8D
Me: Trust me, you don't wanna go there. My mom is a bitch.
Sasuke: -_- But fun and bitchiness aren't mutually exclusive.
Me: -_- They are with her.
Naruto: They are with your face! 8D
Me: … o.O What the hell is up with the lame comebacks?
Sasuke: Don't ask. He's been doing that a lot more lately.
Me: '-_- I see. Review!
Naruto: I'll review your mom! 8D
Me: #-_- How did you fall in love with an idiot like that?
Sasuke: -_- I don't know. I really don't.
おい = oi = hey
ヶアラ = Gaara
と = to = and
ナルコ = Naruko
貴様 の 友達 = kisama no tomodachi = your friend
うちは サスケ = Uchiha Sasuke
Me: =) My desktop computer is amazing. It has a Japanese character function that's pretty easy to use when it decides to work. You've just got to know the Romanji version of what you're trying to write.
Sasuke: -_- And how to read kanji.
Me: #-_- Well if my kanji is messed up, then oh well. I'm still working on that part. Review! And if I sound amazed it's because I just figured this out.
Sasuke: -_- And because she's an idiot.
Me: #-_- Your mother is an idiot.
Sasuke: Come on, not you too.
Me: 8) Yes, me too! The "your mom" shit was mine in the first place, and Naruto stole it from me, so nyah! XP
Sasuke: #-_- -to readers- Save me, please. I'm surrounded by five-year-olds…