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Funhouse

Chapter Twenty-Five

Part 1.

Elliot came out of surgery, but he wouldn't wake up. At five minutes after midnight, a nurse let Olivia in to see him. She tentatively entered the room, tip-toeing as if any noise might send him into cardiac arrest. When she got close enough to see his face in the dimmed lighting of the ICU room, she covered her mouth and held back tears the best she could. "Oh, Elliot," she said through closed fingers.

Tubes and wires and IV lines protruded from his body, forming a web that threatened to ensnare any outside invaders. Now she thought she knew how he must have felt when she was in this same position, and she felt new empathy for him.

She stared at his pale, unmoving eyelids for a while, willing them to open. When they didn't, she leaned in, carefully maneuvering all the medical connections, easing her head down on an unencumbered shoulder. And then she closed her eyes and savored the warmth of his still-breathing body underneath her. He may not live, but she was so grateful that he was still alive at this moment.

She stayed that way for so long that she almost fell asleep. But she knew they would kick her out of here at any moment, and she felt she should say what she needed to say, in case these were the last words she spoke to him.

She stared at his frozen face and the tube crammed into his mouth, thankful for the whoosh of the machine that breathed for him. "Elliot, I…" She brought her hand up to her mouth again, giving herself a few extra seconds to recover from choking up. She found his hand and held it. "Now that I know what this feels like, I'm sorry, El. I don't know how I could have tried to take my own life, knowing how devastated you would be." She gave his hand a squeeze. "Plus, I know I've been a general pain in the ass the last few months, and I'm sorry for that too. But you've helped me so much, El. You have no idea. And now, you may never find out…"

She shook her head, stopping before a flood overtook her. And then the nurse interrupted her visit. "Ms. Benson, we need to let him rest now."

Liv nodded, staring at Elliot's face, hard, in case it was the last time. She whispered, "I love you, Elliot."

And then she turned and left.

Part 2.

Pain sometimes lacks words, and that's what Olivia experienced in the waiting room. She found herself unable to speak once again, just like when Tucker left her and this world behind. Fortunately, she didn't have to say anything, because there were people there who cared about her.

Fin greeted her first, and she fell into his arms for the second time this night. If she was in her right mind, she would be humiliated about how she had acted earlier, and she wouldn't be able to meet his gaze. But this was Fin, and he felt as comfortable as an old pair of socks. He didn't have to say anything to her either, just gripped her tight and allowed her to fall into his presence.

When she opened her eyes and stepped away, Amanda came forward from the pack, and Olivia appreciated that the woman was able to put aside her lower rank to comfort her superior. Amanda touched Olivia's arm and said, "I'm sorry, Liv. If there's anything I can do…"

Olivia nodded and mouthed the words, "Thank you."

Carisi came and stood next to Amanda. "Seriously, Liv, if you ever want a break from Noah—"

"Thanks, Sonny, Lucy's watching him now."

"I know, but if you ever need more time, I'm there."

She leaned in and hugged him, and he jolted in surprise. "Thank you, Carisi."

She pulled away, and then she saw Barba in the doorway, his coat waving around his legs. He went to her and held her hands. Casting shredded glances around him, he scattered everyone else with his looks, and they dispersed. Now he looked at her exclusively, and for once, he talked soft and deliberately instead of fast and intense. "Liv. How are you holding up?"

Suddenly feeling embarrassed by her red eyes and puffy cheeks, she glanced away, still gripping his hands tight. "I'm just…I'm holding on."

He squeezed her fingers. "You should go home and get some rest."

"No." She shook her head vigorously. "What if…what if something happens? I need to be here."

"Okay," he said, almost as a question. "At least let me stay here with you. You shouldn't be alone right now."

She pulled away from him. "No, it's fine, Barba. You should go home."

"No way." She tried not to look at his pity-filled eyes. "I'm staying."

She sat down and nestled her hands between her knees. "Okay, but I'll probably be awake all night."

He sat down right next to her, and she didn't look at him, but his presence warmed the space between them.

Part 3.

She did drift off, despite her protestations to Barba, and now she was struggling with something on top of her. She fought off the weight on her body, kicking and pushing and clawing. Something shook her, and she clawed harder, trying to keep the man from hurting her anymore, but he shook her harder, and his weight threatened to crush her.

"Liv, wake up."

She couldn't breathe, and she began to panic, simultaneously scratching and thrashing, anything to ease the suffocation.

"Liv." The voice didn't match the motions of the body on her, and the cognitive dissidence began to unravel her nightmare. The pain in her belly transformed to a stinging in her cheeks, and she opened her eyes and was greeted by the lines in Barba's forehead. "Liv, wake up."

"I'm awake," she sputtered. Something gripped her arms, and she struggled until she realized Barba was the one holding her. "What's—"

As the clarity of the waking world returned to her, the pain in her face didn't disappear with the nightmare, and she now knew that it was real. She stopped trying to fight Barba, and he let go of her hands so he could touch the scratches on her cheeks. She mumbled, "What…what happened, Barba?"

His eyes wide, he looked as if he had just seen a horror movie. "You were dreaming. You scratched up your face."

She touched the lines on her cheeks to confirm what he had said. She had been fighting off invisible demons, but the damage was done to herself. "Let me go get a nurse, see if we can get a wet cloth," said Barba, worry still radiating from his eyes.

She closed her eyes and leaned back, unable to even cry. Elliot, how am I going to do this without you? Please be okay…