Sorry I haven't updated lately, guys! I'm sort of stuck in a rut. When I don't really know what to do with a story, I need to take a few days and think over the plot line, put myself in Arbor's position and decide where it'll go. Here's a little 'sorry' for leaving ya'll hanging so long :[ It's more of a filler, but it's important healing for those of you that feel like Arbor does right now.

Coldplay-Don't Panic

Damien Rice-9 Crimes

Coldplay-Viva La Vida

I took it the hardest. That much was obvious. Time could pass all it wanted. It still felt like my body was splitting in two without him. The entire town had heard within an hour, showing up at our door with gifts, food, funeral locations. You name it, the fantastic fucking people of La Push would deliver. No one knew how to keep their mouths shut, either. The second Mom closed the door and waved goodbye, our visitors would walk off the porch and back to their cars, murmurs of pity floating around in the air. I was starting to wish I was normal, or at least deaf. Even Mom and Dad shared concerns between each other as if I couldn't hear them, as if I couldn't make out the fact that they were worried I'd fly into a suicidal rage. Sometimes it felt like I would.

School wasn't going to cancel itself for me every day. I knew that much. So I went, keeping my eyes on the floor, shuffling like a zombie aimlessly to class, staring off into space during every painful second of every excruciating lesson. I didn't want to learn anything new. It wasn't fair. How was I supposed to get older and wiser, if it one day meant that I'd pass up Sam? How was I supposed to graduate knowing he never did?

I was a mute. I was air. That's all it did, right? It didn't have any greater purpose, wasn't making any effort to appear or disappear-it just was. Just there and silent, able to slip by any and everybody who wasn't paying hard enough attention.

Unless you were Embry Call. He was hot on my trail 24/7, never letting me out of his sight. In the beginning, I was surprised I hadn't scared him off. It'd taken him, Paul, Jared, Dad, Adam AND Jacob to drag me away from Sam, all of them wrestling with me in the sand for hours until I was tired enough to submit to all of them. When they'd finally passed me to Embry, I kicked into high gear, screaming and scratching and writhing and refusing to be carried anywhere because anywhere meant away from my brother, and I couldn't watch it. You know how as you walk away from something, you can see it growing smaller and smaller until it doesn't even exist anymore? Sam was dead. Motionless. His soul had floated up, up, and away, and the only thing that kept him tethered to this Earth was his body, which slowly and painfully became non-existing in my vision as Embry hauled me away from him.

When I'd finally gotten taken home, Embry waltzed right past my parents, knowing full well they were the last ones I wanted to see. There was so much he picked up on, too many things he noticed about me without my ever having to explain them. I sat on the bathroom counter, staring blankly at his collar bone while Embry sponged me down from head to toe, wiping away every drop of Sam's blood away from me. It was official. My brother was gone.

Embry brushed my hair gently, wrapping it into a bun like he'd seen me do a hundred times and putting it on top of my head and carrying me to bed.

I didn't move out of that damn spot for days. Almost a week, even. I didn't eat, any time I ever fell asleep I woke half an hour later from a horrid nightmare, and speaking was out of the question, even on the days Mom or Dad needed it most. I was being selfish. I deserved to be. I was the one who had to watch him. The one who had to hold him while he died. I was the last face he saw, where was the justice in that? Why was it me that he had to tolerate, instead of being rocked gently to death by Mom? Why couldn't he have gotten to hear HER soothing voice instead of mine?

Even when I'd finally decided to go to school, spending hours in my thoughts, I could find no justice in my brother's death. So I ignored it. Slowly, I spoke. But only to him. Sam was the only one I directed my voice towards, regardless of whether or not the others could hear me. I talked to him every night, every day, sometimes even in public because I knew it was a placed he'd like to go.

"This isn't what I wanted." He murmured quietly, his forehead pressed against mine as we lay in bed one night. I frowned slightly, my eyes resting on our intertwined pinkies.

"You act like I'm enjoying this." I retorted quietly.

"So that's it, then?" he asked, my eyes flickering to his. "You give up?"

"Of course I don't give up, you-"

"Then what do you call this? This moping around, not speaking."

"I call this mourning. I'm SAD, Sam. How could you expect me to feel happy when you're gone?"

"No, kiddo," Sam laughed quietly, closing his eyes for a moment and shaking his head. "I don't expect you to be happy. I don't expect you to be sad either."

"What do you expect then, oh Mighty One?"

"I expect you to quit being such a tool," Sam scolded, nudging me with his forehead lightly. "There's somebody who needs you more than even I did."

"Like who?" I challenged. Sam lifted his head up, staring over my shoulder at Embry, who slept quietly on the couch by my dresser. I bit the inside of my cheek, a chill shooting down my spine. "He doesn't deserve this." I whispered quietly.

"He deserves you, Kitty."

"He can't make me happy like you did."

"You're wrong," Sam cut again, somewhat glaring now. "Arbor there's nobody else on this Earth that could treat you better than Embry could. You're everything to him."

"I'm scared…"

"Of what, Love?"

"I know Embry can make me happy."

"Then why do you pretend not to?"

"Because if I get happy again…y-….you'll disappear and…."

"Shhh," Sam murmured, tears streaming down my cheeks as he brushed his lips against my forehead. "Shh, Kitty. I promised you I'd never leave, didn't I? When have I ever broken a promise?"

"Never."

"Exactly. Remember the one you made for me?"

"Mhmm." I whimpered.

"How can you expect to keep it if you stay like this? Come here," he said softly, wrapping his arms around me. "The girl I know is so much stronger than this. Brighter. Smarter. Worth more. Where is she at? Don't let me pull you down, kiddo. Don't let me do this to you."

"How am I suppo-"

"You already have the answers, Kitty. You don't need me to give them to you."

"I need you."

"You're wrong."

I looked up at him, his dark eyes soft and apologetic as his figure started shimmering slightly, more tears streaming down my face as I buried my face in his vaporizing chest.

"You ready to let me go?" He asked softly, slowly fading into nothing. I nodded, squeezing my eyes shut once before shuffling away from him, watching him as he vanished before my eyes, as if the wind had seeped through the window and washed him away.

Things started to get better after that night, believe it or not.

Embry was the first one I spoke to. I pulled a hoodie over my head, watching him as his eyes fluttered open lightly.

"Morning." I murmured softly. His eyes snapped to mine, a small smile peeking out on his lips.

"Morning." He whispered.

It was easier after that. Talking, I mean. It came more naturally. It was quiet, but it was still there. The people at school quit looking at me after I made it clear that I didn't want their pity, just their friendship. Adam and Melissa were never a part, and her worries about him being next were obvious, but it was easier to stand next to her, to allow her to mourn my brother even though he wasn't hers. I'd understood. Even if she wasn't part of the family YET, she loved Sam because Adam did, and his death had hit her just as hard as it hit Adam.

Embry took me everywhere. The beach, the cliffs, hiking, cave-exploring. We went canoeing, we chased deer through the trees for fun, we played hide-n-seek for hours in the forest with the rest of the Pack. One night, we all lay sprawled out in our large backyard underneath the stairs, murmuring secrets to each other and having heart-to-hearts until we'd all fallen asleep. We had study sessions. We had shopping trips. Anywhere I wanted to go, we went. Embry was better to me than I deserved, I knew that for a fact, but even so I couldn't stay away from him. I was being selfish, hateful. At some points, I didn't care if he'd had to put up with my screeching when he dragged me to the house two weeks ago, because of how good he made me felt now. It was unreal, as if he was his own sun, and I got front row seats to bask in the warmth of it all. He was mine, and I took full advantage of it.

I was smiling again, laughing completely guilt-free, because when I laughed, Sam was laughing too. I'd figured that essentially, since I'd claimed Sam more than anyone else had ever dared to, he really was mine. We shared the same blood, some of the same features, Hell, even some of the same personality traits, and I was going to use that to my full advantage. I'd let him keep living through me, my entire life would become dedicated to:

1.)Making sure I kept my promise to him.

And...

2.) Making sure I'd try to keep myself happy at all costs, because that's what he'd want.

It was like I was breathing again, like not only had I accepted that Sam was dead, but allowed him to stay that way peacefully, without giving him a million reasons to feel guilty about it in Heaven.

As time passed, I'd learned really quickly that there was more than sadness smoldering through my veins during the mourning. It was more dangerous, stronger, like a silent predator that was ready snap at every given moment-and when I'd realized it was there, I was suddenly grateful for Vladimir and Eli, excited even that they existed, because it gave me a new way to focus, gave me a new outlet for the emotion. It was hate. It was strong, and ferocious, and stronger than almost anything I'd ever felt. It was the need for revenge, the desperation to seek out my brother's killer and end him slowly, the way he deserved. I smirked one morning at the breakfast bar, Embry shooting me a confused look as I did so.

"What's up?" he asked, eying me. I shook my head gently, looking up at him with a mischievous grin.

"Nothing…nothing really."

"Come, on, let me know."

"You aren't gonna like it."

"Why not?" he asked, sliding a peach in my direction.

"Because it isn't like me. It's disgusting."

"Nothing on your mind could be disgusting."

"Even slaughtering an entire army of leeches, plus a few extra?"

"Kitty," Embry said warily, his face sober. "You aren't getting anywhere near those things."

"Yes I am," I stated flatly, shrugging him off and leaning back in my chair. "I'm gonna find them, Em. I promised Sam and I'm gonna keep the promise."

"Kitty I-"

"I'm gonna need help, you know." I murmured, staring at him innocently, pressing on my hold over him. Embry wavered under my look.

"It's dangerous."

"Obviously," I shot icily, regret washing over Embry's face. "Sorry, sorry. That was sort of harsh…I just…it's what has to be done. We both know it so we might as well take this bull by the horns before they get to somebody else."

"You really wanna do this." Embry stated quietly, staring at me. I nodded, chewing on the inside of my bottom lip for a moment while he stared at me.

"Alright," he beamed, leaning back and crossing his arms. "Tell me what you need. It's game time."