Chapter 25

Roy had a hard time sleeping that night. The thought of Jane in the hospital, that she had been attacked, and by more than one man, made him feel sick and angry. Joanne rubbed his back and talked to him, trying to get him to let his feelings out and to relax, but he just couldn't find the words or get rid of his simmering rage and frustration. Finally he said to Joanne, "I think I'll go and watch some TV and see if that doesn't change my head a bit."

Joanne nodded. 'You don't mind if I stay here and try and get some sleep? With the kids sick, I'm feeling a bit run down myself."

Roy felt guilty that he hadn't even thought about his own children, who were feeling miserable due to the flu, or about what Joanne had been doing to take care of them, and how she must be feeling. "I'm real sorry that I haven't been here for you these past few days."

"No, no! Please, this is nothing! Well, not nothing, but it's ordinary life. Kids get sick, wives get tired." She kissed his cheek. "You care about Jane and Johnny; they're our close friends – of course this terrible thing is going to be uppermost in your mind."

He nodded, and gave her a quick hug. "Sleep well, honey."

"Get some sleep yourself, if you can. I'll take care of things around here – don't worry."

He went into the living room, and turned the TV set on low, but the movie didn't catch his interest, and he found that he was just looking at the images without taking anything in, his mind returning to the hospital. What must Johnny be feeling right now? How was Jane? He found himself going over the past few days, and his anger started to rise against his partner. Johnny was right when he had said it was all his fault – if he hadn't been so caught up in flirting with Cheryl, so stuck on his own selfish interests, if he had only called Jane earlier to apologize, rather than thinking that Roy was trying to seduce his wife…he ground his teeth. Like Johnny had said, if it wasn't for his stupid ego, she wouldn't be lying there. He closed his eyes. Part of him knew he wasn't being fair to his friend, but it hurt so much to think of that sweet girl calling out in pain…

'She's like a sister to me!' The words he'd said to Johnny the morning after the ball came back to him, but this time there was a tug at his heart. Like my little sister. His eyes started to sting, but he fought it. More than my sister; I don't care about my real sister like this. I would be very upset if anything happened to her, of course, just like I would about anybody who was assaulted or injured. But Jane is special.

He remembered dancing with her at the ball…it seemed like forever ago. Holding her in his arms, sitting with her on the couch, his arm around her shoulders, her leaning on him, sighing sadly…. Roy, you idiot. You're just creating something here, because you're upset. He swore to himself and stood up.

He began walking around the room, and unbidden came the memories of the times that they had talked together, mostly about Johnny; the times they had laughed when going out together as couples; her jokes and surprising interests and insights; watching her with his daughter at school as she engaged the students in her class with enthusiasm and creativity; seeing her compassion while working with Mr Watson, the French tourist family, and the patients at Rampart; he thought the losses she had sustained through being orphaned, being betrayed by her first love, losing her son, almost losing Johnny; how valiantly she dealt with the abuse she'd suffered, her courage in speaking up in court…

He wasn't in love with her. But, staring him in the face, there it was: he loved her. If only he could protect her! If only… He sat down on the couch and stared at the ceiling. He loved Joanne, there was no question; she was as much a part of him as his own skin. However, now that his eyes were opened, he could not deny it. He also loved his best friend's wife.

Johnny decided to work his regular shift while Jane was in the hospital so that he could be off extra days when she came home. Rose stayed overnight at Mrs. Ross' house and he called her regularly to check how she was doing. It sounded like she was getting thoroughly spoiled, with homemade cookies, Koolaid scented playdough, trips to the park, and lots of cuddles. He was very grateful that they lived where they had such nice, reliable friends nearby.

Roy was quieter than usual on their first shift together since Jane's hospitalization. Johnny too was preoccupied, and the other men at the station respected their reserve. It was a lot to take in. Captain Stanley watched his paramedics closely to see if there was any reason they shouldn't be working. They seemed to be able to handle their runs. While they were at Rampart, Dr Brackett took them aside individually and asked some questions about how they were doing, and how each thought his partner was coping with things. It was comforting to know that people cared enough to keep an eye on them.

It was mid afternoon, and they were in the squad, coming back from an 'angina' run that had been fairly routine; in fact, the woman was well known to them since she had a pacemaker that seemed to act up on a regular basis. Roy broke the silence. "Hey, Johnny…?"

"Hmmm? Yeah, Roy, what is it?"

"I guess I should ask how you're doing."

"Okay."

"You're okay?"

"No; okay, you can ask me how I'm doing."

Roy grinned just a bit, against his will. "So, how're you doing?"

Johnny shrugged. "As well as can be expected, I guess."

Roy nodded. "Yeah." He sighed. "I think I want to ask you something, but I don't know how."

Johnny was sceptical. "You, Roy? You don't know how to ask me something?"

Roy was exasperated. "It's not like that." He paused, looked out the side window, checked the rear view mirror, and then looked straight ahead. He didn't turn his head when he continued, "You've had a lot of girlfriends."

Johnny's brow furrowed. "Huh? Where did that come from? What on earth are you talking about?" He turned to face his partner, amusement and fear warring across his face. "Please don't tell me you've got a girlfriend! Roy, I can't handle stuff like this! My wife's in the hospital, I'm barely hanging in there, and you are being really weird!"

Roy sighed again. "Of course I don't have a girlfriend. Would you just let me ask you the question?" He shook his head. "No, on second thought, forget it. I don't know what I was thinking to try and talk to you of all people about this."

"Me, of all people. Huh. What is going on with you?"

"Okay. I know this is a bad idea. But, I just…"

"Just spit it out, Roy, before you hurt yourself."

"You've been in love a lot of times."

Johnny grinned sheepishly. "Well, I've been in lust more times than in love, honestly. Just called it love, 'cause it sounds nicer."

"Well, you've had several women that you thought you were in love with. That I do know, 'cause I had to live through it."

Johnny looked at him with his eyebrows raised. "I'm dying to know where you are going with this, you know."

Roy cleared his throat. "I know you love Jane."

John became serious at once. "More than my life." He looked out the side window.

"Were you ever in love with someone else at the same time as you were in love with Jane?"

Johnny turned back to face Roy, his face earnest and solemn. "I am not, and I have never been, in love with Cheryl."

Roy shook his head in frustration. "I really wish I could explain myself better! I know you're not in love with Cheryl. Although, you might have been, as you called it, in lust with her."

"Yeah, I definitely was that." Roy didn't respond. "C'mon, Roy. What's up?" He peered at his partner, suspicion dawning on his face. "Have you fallen in love with someone, Roy? Someone other than your wife?"

Roy quickly replied, "No, no, no. I love Joanne, and the life we have together. We have a great relationship, wonderful kids …no, it's not that. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible to love more than one person at the same time. From personal experience."

"Why would you want to know that, Roy?" Roy just shrugged. Johnny continued, "Okay, I can see how my behaviour in the past while might lead you to think that I could be falling in love with Cheryl, but seriously, I've never felt the way I feel about Jane with anyone else. I can't tell you what she means to me or how grateful I am you introduced us…"

Johnny blinked his eyes several times and gave a little cough. After a moment, he got his emotion under control and seriously considered Roy's question. "I guess it would be possible. I mean, I can see it happening. And I guess it's common enough, if you look at divorce rates."

"Yeah, you're right. I guess it is common enough."

"You ever gonna tell me why you want to know?"

Roy backed the squad into the barn. "Probably not."