CHAPTER 25: I Wish Our Past Was Different
Seeing that Elle had fallen asleep between them as the binge-watching session drew to a close, Rory and Logan had decided to relocate outside, to where they are currently standing beside each other. Their positions are mirrored as looking out on the street, holding onto to the balustrade under the veranda of Rory's house-front.
"I've had a really good time tonight, with both of you. Thank you for letting me spend as much time as I can with her, Ace. I appreciate it."
"After everything, it's the least I can do... I know it's silly since I was the one in control the whole time, but I am really glad that the truth's out now. I'm glad that you both have the opportunity to get to know each other."
Logan just nods, gazing over to Rory with a small smile before looking out onto the dark street that is poorly illuminated by scattered street lights as the two stand together in silence.
"Hey Ace?" Logan eventually asks, speaking up in the darkness, checking with Rory for her approval to ask her a question. She prompts him, encouraging him to continue speaking, so, he does so.
"There's something that I've always wanted to know. It's something that I've wondered about so many times over the last ten years, but then since giving Elleigh that engagement ring, the same question has resurfaced again... I always wondered whether or not you had ever thought about marrying me. I mean, I always felt like that had been on the cards with us, I know I obviously got that wrong, but I've always wondered just how wrong and how off the mark I was with gauging where we were both at... So, yeah, did you ever think about marrying me?"
That question has plagued Logan for years. He's always beaten himself up over how just how wrong he had been in assuming that they were both ready to marry. In fact, he's lost count of the number of times that he's asked himself whether it had only ever been one-sided.
"Yeah, I did, Logan... I had definitely thought about it a number of times. In fact, I loved the idea of being married to you."
"I've come to terms with the rejection and I know it won't change the past now, but in that case, why did you say no?"
Rory takes a deep breath, preparing herself for the explanation that she feels will hurt him in some way, shape or form. There's no way she can express herself without hurting him.
"Like I said, a part of me loved the idea of marrying you... But, I couldn't get something out of my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about my grandparents. As happy as they are being that way, I didn't want us to be them... I didn't want to just be known as 'Logan's wife' or 'Mrs. Huntzberger'. I didn't want to despise you if that happened. I didn't want to blame you if I couldn't give my career a real go."
Logan nods in understanding. However, his brows furrow a little as his small frown grows until he counters from his perspective.
"I never would have expected that of you, Ace. I never wanted you to be my DAR wife, someone to hang off my arm while I did all the business talk. In fact, I would have been happy for you to be more successful than me. I would have been happy if I was the one who got home first and made dinner every night... Actually, scrap that, I know your cooking skills – I'd rather be the one making dinner."
The two share a small laugh at the joke as Rory gives Logan's shoulder a light, playful slap.
As they look at each other with light, amused eyes while they share a smile, only just in that moment do they notice how close that they have become. Either during the last joke or sometime before that they had subconsciously moved, unknowingly moving close and closer to each other as they stand together on her balcony.
"Seriously though, I'm sorry, Logan. I wanted my career, but I wanted to be with you to pursue that career."
"I shouldn't have pushed for all or nothing... I think I was just so sold on the idea of marrying you that you saying no wasn't even on my radar. I didn't even think of it as an option. In all honesty, I think it broke my pride as much as it broke my heart. Really, I just did an excellent job at pushing you away... Such an idiot" Logan sighs, muttering under his breath about himself.
A sad silence falls between the two as they reflect on the past and the mistakes that both of them had made on the night that Logan had proposed marriage and from that moment onward.
"Imagine if you were even just a month further along with Elle, or if you picked up on the symptoms earlier... Just imagine how different our lives could have been."
Logan could have known that Rory was pregnant before they'd broken up. Rory might not have had the chance to chicken out and let ten years pass by before Logan and their daughter knew the truth. They might have been a happy family for all those years. They might have been a happily married couple, knowing her career was already being pushed to the side to raise their daughter. Even, just a 'yes' instead of the 'no' had the potential to change their whole world.
Logan sighs while Rory just feels a pang of guilt as they both consider the flow-on effect of if she had of known about her pregnancy earlier than she did. It's painful to think about just how different and just how much better things between them had the potential to be...
A few minutes of silence pass by before Rory once again notes how close they have become in this moment, physically... She remembers the smile, the moment, which they had shared at the end of their binge-watching... She feels all the emotions of the deep and meaningful conversation that they have just shared... And, suddenly, she has no control of herself as she tries to close the gap between herself and Logan even more.
Despite a decade passing between this very moment and the last time that they had done this, they both become caught up, entrapped, in the nostalgia and familiarity of the feeling as their heads and their lips draw closer and closer. But, suddenly, Logan snaps back to reality and pulls away just before their lips meet and just before they would have shared the inevitable kiss.
"I'm sorry, Ace... I can't."
#
The following morning and after dropping Elleigh off at school, Rory just traipses straight into her childhood home, knowing her mom will only be starting at work later on today.
"Mooooom" Rory wails to get her mother's attention and to determine her whereabouts in the house.
There is a yell back from Lorelai who announces that she's coming, with the voice seeming to originate from the second storey of Rory's childhood home.
However, Rory doesn't wait for her mom before she begins to talk and explain what she desperately needs to get off her chest.
"Mom, I tried to kiss Logan... What was I thinking?!"
"You kissed Logan?!"
"Tried to... He pulled back."
Lorelai gawks at her daughter, trying to determine the more shocking part... The fact that Rory had almost kissed Logan or that he had been the one to stop it.
"So where was Elleigh?"
"Asleep inside... We were just talking out the front of my place. You see, the three of us had such a good night together last night and then after Elle fell asleep, I felt like we had a little moment. So, we went outside and started talking about the past and how different it all could have been and I just didn't even stop to think. I think that my heart raced ahead of my head..."
"Oh. Wow... Was that what you guys were talking about? Giving your relationship a second chance, so then you just went for it?"
Lorelai pulls her daughter over to the well-worn couch in the center of the room, getting comfy for the explanations that she's waiting to hear.
"Not really... We weren't talking about current us so much. But like I said, it was so comfortable; it was just like being with him in the past, only with Elle now too. Then, yeah, I went and messed it all up..."
"So he pulled back when you tried to kiss him? Did he say why?"
Rory just shakes her head shamefully, resting her head in her hands, feeling riddled with guilt.
"No... So there's a fun discussion I get to look forward to. I'm such an idiot! We were doing SO well. The three of us were doing great together and then I go and blow it."
"So you still have feelings for baby daddy, huh?"
Lorelai looks at her daughter intently. Initially, Rory tries to fight of her mother's glance, but she knows that there's no point. Her mother knows her better than she knows herself; there's no point in trying to hide that.
"Honestly, I think I always have... I never really felt like I moved past the breakup. I never moved on from him."
Lorelai just nods. She knows her daughter and for years now she has suspected what Rory herself has just admitted to.
There's a silence as Lorelai wraps an arm around her grown-up daughter. After all, you're never too old for your mother's comfort. However, the moment ends prematurely as Lorelai catches sight of a clock in the corner.
Giving Rory one final, quick squeeze from where she had collapsed into her mother's arms, Lorelai jolts up and starts racing around. She bellows out to her daughter as she fetches her purse, her shoes and gets ready to hit the road.
"Oh shoot! Sorry hun. I really have to head off to work now. I'm replacing Michel and I already owe him 600 billion favours. I'll talk to you more about it later, but until then, don't go throwing yourself at baby-daddy and giving Elle any siblings!"
Rory just rolls her eyes. After all, only her mother would go from comforting her child one second, to teasing them the very next...
#
"Welcome to the Dragonfly Inn. I'm Lorelai and I'll be your hostess during your stay. If there's anything that I can do or arrange for you, please let me know."
After she gets her customary spiel out of the way, Lorelai becomes more relaxed and conversational with the friendly young girl under the name of Ava Walsh that's checking in for her stay at the Inn. As a rough estimate, Lorelai would guess that she's just a little younger than Rory is.
"Thanks, Lorelai... I've never stayed in Stars Hollow before. It's just lovely!"
"Oh yeah?"
"My boyfriend moved here not long ago. It's been a little while since we've met so I thought I'd come down for a long weekend and surprise him. He's only new so you might not know him."
"Try me if you like; Stars Hollow is a very small town... We even have only one Smith family, amazingly."
"Logan..." the girl says with a smile. Lorelai's attention has already been piqued. She doesn't need the girl to elaborate on the last name, but she does.
"Logan Huntzberger."
So a bit of a case of one step forward, two steps back! Why did Logan never mention Ava? Will Lorelai go to Logan or straight to Rory? Hang in there, though! The next chapter should make a lot of things a bit clearer.
Thank you to everyone who read & reviewed the last chapter of the story. I am still so amazed by the response and support from you all. And, this story has reached over 400 reviews?! Thank you, thank you, thank you to every single one of you that has contributed to that number of the course of this story so far. I hope you'll all continue to enjoy the journey!
Next chapter: Lorelai's out for blood. Logan does a whole of lot of talking to everyone...