She's wearing a pair of pajamas. Her t-shirt is grey like her mood. She wears a pair of grey plaid pajama pants. Her wet hair is secured in a towel. She holds a sleeping baby in her arms. His head rests against her chest as if he's listening to her beating heart. His foot rests against her rounding stomach. She kisses his cheeks as he sleeps. He wears a light blue blanket sleeper. She gently places him in his crib. In his sleep he sucks on his pacifier. She turns towards her bed. As she moves towards the bed she hears a fist pounding against her door.
Her pulse quickens as she exits the room, and heads into the hallway. She descends the stairs. She doesn't check the peephole before she unchains the door. She already knows who it is. She takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly. She pulls the door towards her, and motions for him to come in. He closes the door, and follows her to the kitchen table.
They each take a seat. He clears his throat, and studies her face. He notices a wrinkle he's never seen before. He purses his lips wondering where to begin. She smiles at him, and chooses to start.
"Castle," she begins.
The use of his last name stings. He allows her to continue. He meets her gaze.
"I am sorry. I am sorry for everything."
"I…"
She shakes her head, "Please let me finish," she begs.
"Okay," he agrees.
"I acted foolishly over the past several months. I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be, and I apologize for that. I am sorry that I hurt you."
He swallows hard, "What happened?"
"I came to the funeral, and I sat in the back, but I couldn't stay. I didn't want to see her in a casket. I didn't want my last memory of her to be of her being lowered into a whole in the ground," she blinks away tears, "You were so angry, and I didn't think that you wanted me there. I felt like you blamed me."
"I did want you there. I was angry, but deep down I knew that it wasn't your fault. I always knew that."
"It wasn't just you. It was more me that you to be honest. I was being selfish. I was thinking about myself, and my feelings. I kept thinking about what I lost, and…" she trails off.
"And what?"
"Everything happened so quickly. She died so unexpectedly. He came into the world so unexpectedly, and you didn't want him. I found that letter, and I felt completely conflicted. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. All I knew is that he needed someone, and I was the only person around. I wasn't going to abandon him."
"I know."
"In the delivery room she wanted me. She wanted me to be there, and she wanted you."
"I will always regret that I didn't make it there in time."
"I am glad that you didn't," the tears trail down her face, "I am glad that you didn't have to watch them as they tried tirelessly to breathe life back into her. I am thankful that you didn't have to see them shock her lifeless body over, and over again. You didn't have to hear the sound of her ribs cracking, or see the color drain from her face. It's something that no parent should ever have to see."
"Kate, you shouldn't have had to see it either."
"It never should have happened. People aren't supposed to die during childbirth anymore."
"She wanted you there because you were the mother that she never had. You know that right?"
"It kills me that I couldn't save her. I wish I could have done more. I wish that I could have taken her place."
"Why did you run?"
"I didn't know what else to do. I was scared, and angry, and confused."
"One day I came home, and you were just gone."
"Looking back I know that it wasn't the right thing to do, but I can't change it now. There was such upheaval all I wanted was something safe, something familiar."
"This apartment, your safe haven."
She nods, "Yes."
"What happened?"
"I panicked."
"Walk me through it," he begs.
She nods in agreement.
She sits in the NICU wearing her black dress, with a baby pressed against her. She rocks him back and forth in the rocking chair. The NICU nurse walks over to her.
"Can I get you anything? Coffee, tea, water?"
She shakes her head, "I'm fine."
"Detective talk to me," the nurse implores.
Kate stares up into the bright green eyes of a twenty something NICU nurse who has cared for the tiny infant in her arms nearly every day since his arrival.
"Emily, I'm not okay. They buried his mother today."
"You weren't gone very long."
"I couldn't watch them bury her. I didn't want to deal with all of it. I'm not ready. I don't want to face the reality of it."
"That's all?"
"Why are you always so insistent that there has to be more?"
She grins, "People are complex."
"If you have a question to ask, then you should ask it."
"Did you see the doctor in the express care the other day when I suggested it?"
"You know that I did. You sat here and held him for two hours."
"That is not true, I put him down for about twenty minutes so I could do my charting"
Kate rolls her eyes.
"What did he say?"
"He ran some tests, and told me to get more rest."
"What kind of tests?"
"Just some labs."
"Is that why you're so glum?"