Derek yawned as he sat as his desk. He hadn't slept. He was up all night doing catch up work, and when he finally had time to go to sleep, he couldn't. He couldn't sleep because all he could think about was Meredith. Meredith was all he ever thought about day and night. He worried about her eating. He worried about her home alone. But at the same time, he was angry with her for giving up so easily.
Derek looked at the picture of Meredith and Liam on his desk. Maybe he should replace it with just the one of Liam. But he couldn't cut her out. He couldn't do that to her. He was in pain, and seeing her face, no matter how he felt about her, it brightened his day.
As he looked at Liam's smiling face, he decided that he should go down and visit his son. He climbed from his chair and made his way across the office. He had been wanting to take Liam for a weekend but he couldn't bare to do it to Meredith. He couldn't live with what she may do if she was alone.
Derek walked into the daycare and looked around. He didn't see Liam anywhere. A frown covered his face as he searched around. Meredith was in surgery, he knew that she didn't have him. Derek looked over and saw Karen caring for another child. He quickly rushed over.
"Karen, where is Liam?" He asked as he looked around.
"Liam? Oh... Meredith pulled him out. He hasn't been here in a couple of weeks." Karen explained. "I thought you knew..."
"Oh... I- I didn't. I have to go..." Derek said quickly as he rushed out.
He clenched his fists. He was angry. He couldn't believe that she did that. He couldn't believe that she pulled Liam out of daycare, and didn't even tell him. He swung the door open to the scrub room and walked in. He was there, and he was waiting. The minute she came out, that was it.
"What's going on?" Meredith asked as she walked into the scrub room.
"You pulled our son out of daycare?" Derek said loudly.
"Yeah, a few weeks ago. He wasn't doing well." Meredith said as she scrubbed her hands.
"And this wasn't something you thought you needed to tell me!" Derek growled as he approached her.
"I thought I did, Derek. I'm sorry." Meredith said as she dried her hands.
"Sorry, doesn't cut it, Mer." Derek told her frankly.
"Derek, stop and think here... Two weeks. It's been two weeks and you are just noticing. What kind of father are you?" She asked as she glared at him.
Meredith was right. He had seen Liam. He had stopped by the house to visit. But he hadn't been spending time with him. He immediately felt guilty as he stood there. It was true. He should have been around more. He should be there. He should have noticed. There were too many should haves and not enough dids.
"What are we doing?" Derek asked as he shook his head in disgust. "You're right... I am a horrible father. I was a horrible husband. I should have noticed. I just- I don't want to lose touch. I know that I screw up all of the time. But this- I need to know..."
"Okay." Meredith said with a nod. "He has a nanny. Her name is Erin. I checked everything. Her record is crystal clear. She has tons of references. Liam loves her. Why don't you come by tonight and meet her?"
"Oh... I- I'd love to." Derek said with a nod and a smile. "I'm sorry, Mer... I am sorry I got nasty. I just panicked. I went to the daycare, and I didn't see him. My first thought was that someone had kidnapped him, Mer. And then Karen told me... I was humiliated. I didn't even know that my own son had a nanny. I'm a worthless father." Derek said as he swallowed the lump in his throat.
"You're not, Der... We are... We're a mess. And I don't know which way to crawl. I just don't see daylight anymore." She told him as she looked up into his eyes.
"I know, Mer. I know exactly how you feel." Derek said as he pulled her close to his chest.
"I just need to keep going forward." She said as she pulled away. "Going back will just hurt me. I will see you tonight."
"Yeah." Derek sighed as he looked at her.
It was these moments. This made him feel better. That made him feel like their was hope. But then she pulled away. Derek frowned as he watched her disappear. He loved her more than she would ever know. But he had a creeping feeling. She was moving on. And he lost out.
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Meredith drove down the road. She wanted to get home to Liam, but at the same time, she hated going to her lonely home. As she pulled up to the house, she looked at it. She seriously regretted making it so big. Not only would they never have their flock, but he would never even live in it again. She wouldn't leave it. It was her dream. And even if every other aspect of her dreams had left, she couldn't bear the thought of losing that house.
Meredith pulled her Jeep into the garage. It was a lonely garage, just her Jeep and John's Mercedes. If the weather was good, she would still pull it out and take it to work. For some reason, she always felt him with her in that car. She would nonchalantly lay her hand over to the passenger seat. It felt like she was holding her hand. She had quit chasing that feeling. She had Derek. She had no reason to long for it. But now she needed it back. Maybe tomorrow she would drive it.
"Hello, Dr. Grey." Erin said with a smile as she looked up.
"Hi, Erin." Meredith muttered as she grabbed Liam up and gave him a kiss. "Leelee! How is my guy?" Meredith asked him as she held him up.
"Mamamamamaaaaa!" He yelled loudly as he out his arms out.
"Wow! You are getting good with that." Meredith said happily. "Dada is coming over. Yep... You get to see dada today." He explained as she kissed his stomach.
Meredith had been practicing. It was stupid. Maybe foolish. But everyday, she would show Liam a picture of Derek. As angry as she was at Derek most of the time, she wanted Liam to know who he was. She wanted Liam to have a relationship with Derek. So every night, she would take out a picture of Derek and explain just who he was. In case he came around.
"Erin... Derek, Liam's father would like to meet you. Do you think you could stick around for awhile?" Meredith asked as she looked up at her.
"Um... Sure. I need to do some studying anyhow. But I have a date later." Erin explained.
"Well, Derek is usually late. If he shows up at all. So we will give him until seven. Is that okay with you?" Meredith asked as she riffled through the refrigerator and looked for something to eat. She finally decided on pre-cooked chicken cordon bleu from the grocery store. It was from the day before, but she had to eat something.
"That's fine. If I could leave my seven-thirty, that would be great." Erin explained as she grabbed her books and sat at the counter.
"So, what are you going for?" Meredith asked as she looked at her books.
"Accounting." Erin explained happily.
"Really? Accounting. That's interesting." Meredith mused as she stuck her chicken in the oven. "What would you like Liam?" She asked as she kissed his nose.
"It's not. You don't have to be nice... But it has always been an interest of mine." Erin explained.
"That's great. If you enjoy it, you should do it. No question." Meredith told her frankly. "So who is your date with?"
"Just a guy from class. It's our first." Erin said with a smile.
"That should be nice." Meredith agreed with a smile. "I guess I wish I did more of that. I guess I have only been on one date. One date that wasn't serious, you know?" Meredith asked. "Well, two now..."
"That's crazy. So you... You and your ex-husband. That's it?" Erin asked as she looked at Meredith.
"Well, I was married before Derek. Widowed. But yes, I guess I grew up too quick. I met John, my first husband... And it just seemed natural for me to marry him. So I did." Meredith explained.
"I'm sorry... That you- He- That he is gone." Erin said softly.
"Me too." Meredith agreed with a sigh. "Me too."
Meredith pulled her chicken out of the oven. Erin watched her. She was actually in shock She was certain that Meredith did not eat. And now here she was, eating before her. Meredith placed it on a plate and cut a piece off as she stood there. She took a bite, and then gave Liam a bite of his own food. After a few bites, she couldn't do anymore. She was full. Her stomach was aching.
"Oh my god..." Meredith muttered as she looked up out the window. "He actually came."
She was shocked to see Derek's black Land Rover making its way up the driveway. She was certain that Derek wouldn't show up, and yet there he was. Derek was the most unreliable person in the world, and he was actually there. Meredith watched as he climbed out and walked to the door. She quickly made her way across and opened the door.
"Hey." She said as she let him in.
"Hey." Derek said with a weak smile.
"Erin... This is Derek-" Meredith started as they walked in.
"Liam's dad... Wow. He looks just like you." She said in shock. "I'm Erin." She told him as she stuck out her hand.
"Derek... Nice to meet you." He told her with a nod. "Hey big guy!" Derek said happily as he caught sight of his son. "Are you eating din-din?" He asked as he picked up the spoon.
"He is." Meredith said with a smile and a nod.
"Looks like mommy is too. You can finish, I'll feed him." Derek said frankly.
"I'm actually done." She said as she pushed it away.
"How much of that did you eat, Mer?" Derek asked frankly. "I hope that is your second piece."
"I'm fine. Not really hungry." She said as she focused on Liam and half-ignored him.
"Meredith, eat the chicken." Derek told her as he pulled the plate up to her.
"You are not my father." She warned him as she pushed it away. "I. Am. Not. Hungry!" She told him loudly. "Leave me alone. Get off of it." She growled as she dumped the chicken in the trash.
"Fine. Kill yourself. Leave our son without a mother." He said, ignoring that Erin was sitting there.
"Leelee!" Meredith said happily. "Can you say dada? Say it... Who is this? Dada!" Meredith said exuberantly.
Derek was angry at her. She wasn't eating. She was starving herself, and it was more than apparent. She couldn't have eaten more than one or two bites. He looked up at Erin and smiled. He could tell she was uncomfortable. Maybe she agreed. Maybe she too saw Meredith's inadequate nutrition. Derek felt sick. He had nothing to do for her. She would never accept it.
Meredith was mad at Derek. She couldn't believe that he was now telling her what to eat. She would eat when she was hungry. She couldn't help it. You eat when you are hungry. And if she over-ate, she felt sick. Her stomach hurt. She rolled her eyes as she tried to focus on her son. It wasn't good. It wasn't bad. As she looked out the window, she saw a familiar car coming up the drive. It was going to be something really soon, and good was not an option.