Author's note: I borrowed some lines from 2x10. These belong to the BBC. I don't own anything (characters, plot or storyline)

Chapter XXV

Athos had lost track of time ever since catastrophes had begun to befall them. Apparently, it was Sunday, and all the nuns had ceased their mundane activities for a day of more fervent praying and dedication to the Lord. Most of them were in church this morning, except for the few whose task was to prepare the frugal meal the community would share.

The three sisters kept signing themselves and shooting glances at Milady every time she would curse vehemently. None of the food in the kitchen seemed to be of her liking, and the soldier was growing quite ashamed of her behaviour. It appeared that she did not care if she was not having an attitude fit for a convent or that she was using a crude language in the presence of nuns.

"You could remember how to be a lady, don't you think?" he hissed once she had thrust a plate in his hand. She could not carry both. Her headache had not subsided, but after a rather quiet night thanks to Aramis' drug, she felt rested. At least more than the Queen. Milady was famished, though. She could not remember the last time she had eaten. It might well have been before they even entered the Palace the previous day.

"There is no one to impress here, and besides, it's been a very long time since I've been a proper lady."

Athos rolled his eyes, snatching a bottle of wine from the kitchen counter. He followed her as she strode in the corridor back to the room they used to eat in. Even though she was making jests and ordering him around, her walk was not as steady as it should be. It was still bearing the consequences of Rochefort's violence.

"It's a pity it's raining. We could have made a picnic out of it. What do you say? For old time's sake. It might have been enjoyable."

She was peering through the tall window in the empty room. Her dress was soiled and even ripped at the bottom, her hair was a wild mess, and as she was turning her back on him, Athos could have almost imagined she was well and unharmed.

"How can you be so carefree when the entire kingdom might be crumbling down?"

"Well, someone has to be or we will all drown in sorrow and self-loathing. Which should not be a change for you, isn't that right?"

"You should know as you are the main cause of it." He set the plate and the bottle on the table, the noises loud enough to cover his mumble. Or so he thought.

Milady turned back, her plate sliding on the table, food rolling on the wood. Some fell to the floor but neither of them reached down to gather it.

"Is it really how it's going to be between us, now?" There was one hand on her hip, her other arm's being stuck in the makeshift sling Aramis had given her earlier.

"What do you mean?"

"Arguing and blaming the other to no end."

"It's been that way for years," he reminded her sternly.

"What about what has been following these past days? This has not been how we used to finish our conversations before."

"I suppose the whole predicament is making me quite unsure of my own emotions as well," Athos conceded, glaring when he noticed a flash of victory in her eyes. "You still killed my brother."

Milady groaned, stepping closer, so close that there was only one corner of the table between them. Her skin was covered in goosebumps, probably more from the cold than by the way he affected her, but she could not be certain. It had been years since he had had this effect on her. If it had happened some months earlier, she would have abhorred it and thought she was turning mad. It was unsettling and a little enticing today.

"I cannot believe it...Yes, I did. Because he tried to rape me! I suppose I should have let him do it so we could have continued to live a peaceful and quiet life. How very stupid of me."

"Shut up."

"Excuse me?"

"I said shut up. You are being foolish. How can you even entertain such ideas?"

"I don't see what other alternative would have allowed us to remain together."

"You should have come to me instead of butchering him."

Athos caught a glimpse of the dismal look in her eyes, before she looked down. The ghost of their past had been brought back into the discussion. She looked so hurt in that moment, so different from the insensitive killer she had become because of his family. He reached for her valid hand, the cold skin sending a spark of remembrance through her body. She shivered at the touch, yet did not draw back. His fingers curled around hers.

"And whose version would you have favored? Your brother's who you had lived with your entire life and your wife's who you had only known for a couple of years?"

The soldier had to admit that he had no clue to what answer he could give her. He was not sure that he wanted to know his own answer. He gently grabbed her chin, willing her to raise her head and look into his eyes. Her chest heaved with the short breaths she was taking.

"At least this mess might not have happened and Thomas might still be alive."

"I will never apologize."

"I'm not fool enough to think you will. Nevertheless, we could have found some sort of solution. Perhaps."

"Is it something you think about sometimes?" Her question was a mere whisper, her eyes locking on him and searching for truth, for reassurance, for hope. In this instant, Athos could almost imagine there had been no murder and no hanging. If not for the bruises and bloody lips, she looked like the woman he had passionately loved, the woman he may still love.

It bothered him that her neck was turning so black from Rochefort's fingers. It was a feeling so powerful that it overrode the guilt he always experienced whenever he saw the mark left by the rope years ago. Athos had already given her a scarf to hide the kissing marks he had put on her before she left for Paris, but she had lost it. He untied the one around his neck, putting it on her, although it was not for the same reason and she did not tease him.

"I'm so used to despising you that I cannot imagine it otherwise."

"We used to be happy, didn't we?"

"Yes."

"But now, I've become this vile and ugly thing, this stranger who cheats and lies and kills without conscience. I don't want to be this creature anymore. I want to be... what I was once with you. Feel hope instead of this deadness in my heart."

Milady closed her eyes at the difficult confession. It was excruciating to open her heart, to know that he was judging her and perhaps hating her, despite the display of passion from his kisses. How could she make him understand that right now, in this room, ever since she had been shunned by the King, she was not lying anymore?

It was more demanding to express what was on her mind, to explain what she desired with all her heart than face enemies and be an assassin. She could kill opponents. Pouring her feelings out to a man who had one day sentenced her to death was the worst trial she had had to face yet. Her heart and mind would shatter if he rejected her.

His fingers were on her neck, gliding slightly on her bare shoulder, so she focused on them rather than on the silence surrounding her. Athos felt the shivers under his touch, heard the shaking in her voice.

"What will you do then? When all of this is over?"

"Start a new life. In England, perhaps."

Athos raised an eyebrow that she could not see. The suggestion was not overly appealing to him.

"It rains a great deal in England. And the food is..."

Milady scoffed at his comment. She opened her eyes again, staring at his outraged ones.

"Be honest. Would it matter to you if I went?"

"You're free to do as you please."

"I'm not free. I'm bound to you as you are to me. You...could come with me, Athos."

Milady imperceptibly squeezed his hand a little more. For the first time in a long time, she was terrified of what he thought of her.

"We could go to Le Havres and sail for England together. There may be nothing left for you here either."

Nobody knew how the day would unfold, what would happen when the Queen would wake up, what would be decided. Athos did not want to encourage what her Majesty desired. How could they protect her if they were constantly running? It was their duty, though. The King may have repudiated her, he would always see her as his Queen, a woman he respected and he would most certainly lay down his life for.

"I cannot abandon my duty."

"Would you if there was none to honour?"

Athos stared at her for an incredible long period of time. Neither of them said anything. She did not prompt him to answer more quickly. She took a small step to the side, riding them of the table between their bodies. She closed the gap, bringing both of their hands up to his chest. The fingers which were on her shoulder traced the outline of her dress, descending until it settled on her hip.

"I'll survive if you say no. I will leave alone and you'll never see me again. We have no reason in the world to trust each other but who else can we trust? Who else knows us like we know each other?"

"I've distrusted you for so long. What you did for the Queen, though, what you did for Aramis, that's...Perhaps I am making a mistake but...I could consider it."

Milady put her forehead against his shoulder, exhaling the breath she had been holding. Her body shook against his, his arm circling her waist.

"It can never be the same. Not after everything."

"I know, but...we could have something else. I think I could grow to enjoy it. It would be far better than having to bed the King to gather information. Or murder people to gain favours."

It seemed impossible to imagine such a turn of events. Athos was aware that he would never flee from his friends, yet it surprised him to realize that the life she was painting, together, far away from the Parisian intrigues, could grow on him.

"Could you resume a tranquil life?"

"Who said anything about a tranquil life?"

"Please, if I have to suffer from English food and English weather, I at least expect to spend my days safely away from problems."

Milady was grinning when she looked up at him. There were blond curls on her face. Athos let go of the hand twined in his to push the hair away from her eyes.

"What?"

"You are considering it," she stated. He considered rolling his eyes once more. She was telling the truth so it would have been pointless.

"So what?" She shook her head, wincing in pain.

"Nothing. Can you speak English?"

"Can you?"

"Of course. I would not have chosen this destination otherwise. Athos, seriously, do you think I'm so stupid? Don't answer that question," Milady added as he opened his mouth.

He could not help his lips from twitching into a smile. He had not lied earlier in the conversation. His own feelings were confusing. Nothing made sense to him. He had hated the woman for so long, blaming her for a crime which had shattered his family and his trust in people. It had been years since, and in a couple of days, Milady had managed to change the perception he had of her. He hoped with all his strength that she was not playing him. Because if she was, he would never recover from it.

"You're not stupid. You're brave, clever and so...so..."

"Seductive?"

"Annoying." He would pay her the other intended compliment later.

"So are you. I had to almost be killed twice in a week for you to realize how much you cared."

"You had to be cast away and almost hanged again to change your attitude as well."

"Ah, well, nobody's perfect."

"We certainly aren't."

Athos felt her move closer, if it was possible, but he was grateful for Constance and d'Artagnan's chatter in the corridor, growing louder and announcing their approach. There was a difference between kissing Milady because he was angry or overwhelmed by relief, and kissing her after having somewhat agreed to maybe start a new life together. He let go of her and stepped slightly away as they were joined by his friends.

They were young and amid the distress and anguish experienced by the entire group, it was refreshing for Athos to see how happy they were together. He wished it could be so easy with Milady as well. He knew it could never be, she had said it herself. If it ever came to that, and they were all to part ways to increase their chance of survival, he may be able to seek his own happiness once again. Despite resenting the fact that he would have to give up his brothers-in-arms -his family- Athos deeply craved it.