Little Readers!

You guys make me smile with all your feedback… thankyou. Really it's great.

I know you're kind of on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and everything seems like dooms town, but I promise it will get better.

I'll try to be as frequent with my updates, but I'm jumping on a plane to Spain tomorrow and I don't know how my wireless will go…

For now, be brave :)

My love to you querida's!

Court

CHAPTER 24

I need you to guide her back to me

"THE BALL! GET THE FREAKING BALL!"

Santana sat back down in the stands as Brittany laughed and clapped her hands.

"Titans supporter hey?"

Actually we haven't been to a football game since college, we're into hockey now.

"Massive supporter," Santana grinned.

Brittany looked down at her lap, picking pieces of popcorn and putting them in her mouth.

God she was just eating and Santana wanted to jump on her. This is what Rachel had meant, slowly make Brittany find their love, slowly show her that she needed Santana. It was like a small game, Santana would show up at the coffee house every morning, and nearly all of those mornings, Brittany was there, sitting in the corner, bathing in the early sunlight and reading the menu. As though she was trying to relearn words that seemed so familiar. Santana would sit down and Brittany would smile, and then Santana would just let her speak. She'd mentioned the accident briefly, but mostly they talked about small things, like how milk swirled in coffee if it was fresh. How you could never have too much chocolate on a cappichino, how clouds changed shapes even if you couldn't see them. Start small, Santana would always repeat in her head, start small and finish the race. Brittany mentioned Artie constantly, she mentioned how he complimented her, read to her before the went to sleep. She talked about how he was in a wheelchair and sometimes it scared her to think that she might have left him. Santana couldnt bring herself to tarnish him. Brittany was so compassionate, it was all she could do not to sit there and just stare at her the whole time. Stare at her lips, stare at her eyes, stare at the small scar on her forehead.

During those weeks in the hospital, Santana had been scared of that wound, that scar. She had wanted to make it disappear. But now looking at it, was like looking at a sign that said Brittany had survived. It mapped out the very fact, Brittany was still here, and even if Santana was waiting, at least she found comfort in the knowledge, that despite distance, and staring from a far, Santana could hear her breathe again.

"It was nice of Zoe and Artie to let you have a night out," she said. God the Titans sucked. They'd sucked back in high school, they suck now.

Brittany shifted slightly, "They don't really know I'm here,"

Santana beamed, that's my girl, sneak out to come to a football game with me.

Before Santana could answer Rachel bounded up the bleachers to sit beside them.

"Sorry, Dads would not let Quinn go; I swear they love her more than me,"

"Rachel don't be ridiculous," Quinn snorted, arriving behind her with drinks.

As they both saw Brittany, Santana immediately saw it in their eyes; they just wanted to embrace her. She could see them both fighting the urge so hard and she knew she needed to help them.

"Rachel, Quinn, this is my…."

"Friend Brittany,"

Santana melted at the way Brittany had finished her sentence.

"Brittany these are my friends Rachel and Quinn,"

Rachel sat down next to Quinn and leant across her, extending her hand, "it's very nice to meet you,"

Brittany shook it, and then tilted her head at Quinn, "You look so familiar,"

Santana choked on the popcorn, and Quinn came to her rescue. "I went to McKinley High, maybe we crossed paths,"

Brittany frowned, "Yeah maybe,"

"TITANS!" Rachel squealed, pumping her fist in the air.

Quinn leant into her ear, "baby we hate the titans,"

"Shhhh," Rachel responded, "I'll do that thing to you later if you just play on this team for a while,"

Quinn flushed and immediately chanted "DEFENCE"

"Are they a couple?" Brittany asked beside Santana.

She looked at her, "Yes they are,"

Santana had always wondered when this would come up; the idea that maybe there was more to the world than just boys and girls, birds and bees.

"They make a really nice couple," she smiled.

So do we she thought handing her the popcorn.

. . .

Death will rear its head more often than not in your lifetime, sometimes it will be people you barely know, other times it will be someone you love, despite how closely chained you were, that loss never really gets any easier, we just adapt and learn to cope. After Brittany's parent's death, Santana wasn't so sure she could cope with anything like that again. She had watched the grief as it attached itself to Brittany for as long as she could stand it, and then finally when healing wrapped its arms around her, she found some comfort in the knowledge that one day she'd see them again. So many people are so scared of death itself, Santana can't understand why it's not time people are afraid of, death is inevitable isn't it? It's time that is too short.

The call had come in the middle of the night, two years ago, when things had only just managed to settle back down again. Rachel had been on the other line sobbing.

"He's dead San,"

Santana had shot up in the middle of the night, whilst Brittany stirred beside her,

"What?" she had mumbled, "Rachel what's going on?"

"Mr Schuester," she had cried, "Mr Schuester is dead,"

The walls had caved in around her, and suddenly nothing had made sense.

Before Mr Schuester's funeral, Rachel had procrastinated and talked incessantly about how she had no clue what the hell she was going to say. She needed to be strong for Emma Pillsbury who had just lost her husband. Rachel wanted to know how she was supposed to write the eulogy of a 41 year old man who had died of a heart attack. Just like that Mr Schuester had been here sending them all Christmas cards and then suddenly he was gone. None of it made any sense. Back then, Santana hadn't had any of the answers, because how do you sum up the life of a man who had helped to educate yours? What words could possibly help all your school friends on one of the saddest days of their lives. How do you say goodbye to someone you thought was invincible?

Rachel had decided on the plane flight over that the pressure to read the eulogy was too much. She decided she wasn't going to say anything at all, then changed her mind, then changed it back. In the end, Rachel wrote something down the morning of, sobbing in her Dads' bathroom; whilst Santana rubbed her back and Brittany tried desperately to fix her makeup. They had each been shattered, Christ even Puck cried. Mr Schuester hadn't just been their teacher; he had been someone who pushed them in all the right directions. He had guided them to achieve all their right dreams, and he'd never once asked for anything in return.

When Layla and Michael had died, Brittany grieved in hiccups. She was fine most days. She let them go, because she had to do all the things she needed to do in her life. But then, every couple of weeks, she would hiccup. Suddenly Brittany would be sobbing in Santana's lap telling her that her parents were there, sitting on top of her chest, she couldn't breathe and she couldn't move and all Santana could think was, Oh thank god. She's still a normal human being. Her parents died, and she's crying, and this is what grieving is.

Santana did the same thing with the death of Mr Schuester. He was the one person who sat her down and told her that whoever she wanted to be, she could do it. No matter how many different things she wanted to do, she was allowed to, and he would support her. He would support her because he believed in her. At the funeral and the weeks after upon her return to New York, Santana got worried when she would think about Mr Schuester and not cry, she worried about what that said about the calibration of her heart – she'd lost someone who meant so much to her and then she had two weeks of dry eyes. She would worry that she was getting over it too fast. That she was cold and hard and somehow she was lacking something she should have been born with. But then just like Britt she would hiccup and start to cry and feel the tightening in her chest. She mourned her teacher; she mourned the man who had told her, that her dreams were worthy. But maybe that's what life is, you lose people you don't want to, but then if you look hard enough, you can find them in the dreams they leave behind.

Santana sat down in front of Mr Schuester's gravestone. The air was crisp; it stroked her skin like the weather was offering her a hug. The cemetery was peaceful, cluttered with oak trees and gravestones with names of people that had moved on. Santana set the yellow poppies in the soil beside her, and then trailed her hand over the brass name plate.

"Hey Mr Schue," she whispered.

Santana sat for a while, staring at his name, remembering all the things he had taught them. About how Glee Club was a family, about how they were supposed to be there for each other in the moments that mattered. Had she not been there enough for Artie? What about Finn, he'd packed up and moved to Canada before college had started and no one except Kurt had heard a word from him. Was he still nursing a broken heart? Was Artie still nursing a broken heart? Is that why he was so intent on going along with everything Zoe had planned?

"Mr Schue," Santana said, "Do you remember the day Brittany and I admitted we were together, and you said through everything, you would support us,"

She paused watching a leaf as it floated from the sky and settled just beside her.

"I need your help Mr Schue; I need you to help Britt remember that day, that was the day our lives really began,"

There's reassurance in cemeteries, there's something about being amongst the lost souls of the earth. So many people fail to realise the comfort that comes from sitting with people that have settled amongst the clouds. You're here, they're up there, but everyone is connected. We're connected by all the feelings and motions we each go through on earth.

"I miss you Mr Schue," Santana whispered.

BACK THEN

Open your eyes B, it's me, I've been here all along

Senior Year, high school is ending

"Brittsticks," Santana said, as she found her by their locker.

Brittany struggled slightly to fit the three text books into her locker before closing it.

"Britt," Santana said again, searching for her eyes.

Brittany looked at her sighing as she brought her remaining books to her chest, like a shield. Santana sensed this unwanted urgency to snap at her for blocking her.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

Brittany raised her eyebrows, "I'm avoiding you? Santana you've barely said anything to me all week, and every time I reach out to you, you flinch or pull away,"
Santana opened her mouth to protest but Brittany cut her off.

"Have I done something wrong? I know things are weird with your mum and everything, but when we were in the car, what I did…Did I do it the wrong way? You haven't let me touch you since the other night in the car,"

Santana felt her insides melt; how could she be so cruel?

"Did it feel wrong? I mean I thought it felt good, it sounded like it felt good..."

Santana couldn't take it anymore; she had denied who she was for so long, but to force Brittany into thinking that she had done the wrong thing that was something Santana could not handle.

She leaned into her, moving her barricade of books and arms and pulling her closer.

"I love you," she whispered.

Brittany frowned and Santana realized that she had probably confused her even more.

"Santana, you're making people stare," she said softly.

"Good," she replied smiling.

Santana trailed her hand up to Brittany cheek and pulled her lips into hers.

It had never been about sex, it had never been about experimentation, because for everything that felt right, they had always waited.

This was about how she felt.

How they felt.

And god Santana loved her more than she loved the world itself.

Brittany pulled away slightly, to catch her breath.

"I think half the school has walked passed us," she whispered, smiling.

"The whole world could walk passed us and I'd still want to kiss you longer,"

Santana leant forwards again, running her tongue along Brittany's lips before laughing.

"Am I actually witnessing the first signs of PDA?"

Santana pulled away, as Kurt stood standing before them, his eyes wide.

"Kurt," Santana pleaded.

"Oh don't go and tell me I was imagining your make out session by the lockers,"

Brittany smiled, "No it's real," she looked gently at Santana, biting her lip.

Kurt smiled, "About time,"

Mr Schuester was sitting by the piano, laughing as Rachel demanded Finn take off his shoes because they made him dance worst then he did already.

"Finn, we want to win nationals, it's in five days," she trailed off as her eyes glazed over, "Which means New York in five days,"

Mercedes squealed in delight beside her, "Oh lady we are going to have bagels and hotdogs and then sing Vocal Adrenaline off the charts,"

Mr Schuester laughed, "Calm down we still have work to do!"

"Mike!" he called, "chairs are for sitting not head stands!"

Santana and Brittany entered the room behind Kurt, who quickly took a seat, crossed his legs, and glared at Rachel. Rachel's intuition blew Santana away, it was like she was this feelings GPS navigator, she could pick important moments, years before they'd even happened.

"Mr Schuester," Santana said shyly, "Brittany and I have something to say,"

"Don't you dare say you're quitting Glee Club," Tina said whirling around from where she had been fixing the guitar strap on Puck's guitar.

"No," Brittany responded shaking her head.

This is it Santana, now or never.

"Everyone. I'm in love with Britt, and she's in love with me, and I just wanted to let you all know before I ask her…" she turned carefully to Brittany who was staring at her as though she couldn't actually believe Santana was going through with this. "…ask her to be my girlfriend," Santana finished.

"For the love of all things Barbra Streisand say, YES!" Rachel screamed.

For the most part, Glee Club had gone silent, the silence killed Santana, say something, anything.

"Well this makes so much more sense now," Mercedes interjected finally, "San, I was so concerned when I thought you were dating Karofsky, you and Britts are good together,"

Santana melted.

Mr Schuester clapped his hands, "You never had to hide this girls, this is a good thing, love is a good thing," he paused smiling, "I am very proud of how brave you're being,"

"Brave?" Puck spat, standing up and kicking the chair to the side of the room.

He looked at Artie, "Artz, did you know about this?"

Artie shook his head; his eyes were squarely on his legs.

"What the hell Santana?" Puck reared angrily, "We're supposed to be friends, and you couldn't even tell me this?"

"Puck," she said softly.

"No," he said, "This is wrong. You both disgust me,"

He stormed out of the room and Santana went to run after him.

"Wait," Quinn spoke up, "Let me go,"

She brushed passed Santana stopping briefly to look at them, "Its okay," she whispered, "I think most of us knew all along,"