.
.
Firefly: Deleted Scenes
Ficlet 25: A Coward And A Piss-Pot
By Gamera Obscura
"I got words. I'm saying… This is an 'ass-picious' day."
-Lund - Episode 2, "The Train Job"
(The following ficlet is set at the beginning of Episode 2, "The Train Job".)
(July 3rd, 2517)
Serenity had been on Santho for two days, and on this day of all days, Mal was tense as he sat in the galley, cleaning his pistol. Zoe entered the room with her jacket on. "It's time, sir," she said.
Mal finished what he was doing and holstered his revolver. "Jayne coming?" he asked.
"I ain't asked him yet," she said. "But I've never known him to turn down a free drink. He'll come."
"Good," said Mal. "I have a feeling we're gonna need him."
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2513)
Mal, Zoe, and Monty, who by sheer luck was in town on Boros today, stepped confidently into the bar, each wearing a long, brown coat. They stepped up to the bartender, who sneered at them.
"We don't serve no gorram Browncoats in here, especially today," he growled.
Monty spoke up. "Law says you can't discriminate. You serve us, or we'll call the Feds on you."
"Ironic," the bartender said, "buncha rutting Browncoats runnin' to the Alliance for help. What the diyu do you want?"
"Qing zailai yi bei Ng Ka Pei?" Mal asked, and the bartender pulled out a bottle.
He poured a cup of the medicinal herb wine Mal had ordered and proceeded to spit in it before setting it on the bar in front of him. "That's a tenth of a credit or a quarter platinum," he smirked. "Plus tip."
"Here's your tip," Mal said, picking up the cup and throwing its contents into the bartender's face, causing his to gasp and sputter. Behind them, there was a sound of wooden chairs being pushed back on the hardwood floor.
Mal turned. "Monty, you ready for this?"
"Sure as hell am," Monty said, readying his fists as Zoe pulled out a steel baton. Six men rushed them all at once.
The battle was no less epic for its brevity. The previous year's war had been longer and bloodier, but with Monty on their side, the Browncoats were able to knock out more teeth, break more noses, and send more people sprawing to the floor. Monty could lay a man out with a single punch to the face, and he did, repeatedly.
In all, over a dozen men lay splayed out on the ground, and the rest of the patrons in the bar were either too shocked or too scared to raise a hand against the trio. The bartender reached behind the bar for a shotgun, but Mal had his pistol in the man's face, cocked and ready before he could swing it around.
"I'll take that," Mal said. The bartender handed it over, stock first.
"Thanks for the donation," Mal smirked. "Or would it be better to call it a tip, in this case?"
The bartender scowled at Mal, but said nothing.
All three spat upon the men on the floor for good measure before heading out the door.
As they walked down the street, Mal toting the shotgun over his shoulder, Monty said, "You were absolutely right, Mal. That was fun! Almost makes up for the food in Camp 37."
"We do this every year," Mal said. "Or we're gonna, at any rate."
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2517)
Mal, Zoe, and Jayne walked down the ramp and into the desert, Kaylee closing the airlock behind them. They quickly got on the road and headed toward town, which was several miles away.
"I appreciate the free booze," Jayne said, "but what's the occasion? It ain't my birthday."
"You'll find out," Zoe said.
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2514)
"Where the hell is Tracy?" Mal demanded as two bar patrons pinned him to the wall, one of them clubbing him in the jaw. Zoe was busy with two of her own as she brought her baton up before bringing it crashing down on one of the men, sending him unconscious to the floor.
"I don't see him," Zoe called back.
Suddenly, Mal could see the legs of a chair, which shattered against the backs of one of the men holding him, who went down, writhing on the ground. It was Tracy Smith who had swung it, and then grabbed a bottle from the bar and smashed it on the other man's head.
More men were approaching from the back. "Time for us to go!" Mal exclaimed, and the trio beat a hasty retreat out the door, running down the street in New Jakarta as a pair of men gave chase for a half a block before giving up, much like they had two years ago.
Zoe, Mal, and Tracy walked nearly a quarter of the way across town until they came to a Browncoat-friendly bar, and ducked inside, Mal ordering a round of drinks.
Tracy raised his glass. "To the Browncoats!" he exclaimed. A cheer went up from the bar. The three clinked their glasses together.
"You know," Tracey said, "I bet if we came here first, we could get half the people in this place to come with us next year."
Mal looked at Zoe. "That's actually not a bad idea," he said.
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2517)
The place was supposed to be an Alliance-friendly bar, but no one batted an eye at Mal's coat when he, Zoe, and Jayne ordered their drinks and proceeded to sit down at a table in the back.
"Anyone want to play?" Mal asked, referring to the game board in the center of the table.
"I'm in," Jayne said.
"Me, too," replied Zoe.
"But why are we here?" Jayne asked.
"Just wait for it," Zoe said.
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2515)
This time, Zoe, Mal, and Tracy were joined by half a dozen former Browncoats at they stepped into the bar.
"What the hell do we have here?" asked a patron, as he and the other three at his table got to their feet.
"It's an Independent insurgency!" declared one of the throng of Browncoats.
A bunch of other people joined the four staring them down, and both groups rushed each other at once. It was never clear, in the stories told in the years to come, who threw the first punch, but what was clear was the victor, as the nine former soldiers beat the living go-se out of everyone in the establishment, leaving several dozen men lying bleeding and moaning on the floor, as they were armed with bats, batons, and knives, with their pistols only on hand in case someone pulled on them.
Later, back at the Browncoats bar, Mal bought the first round, and the other men declared that this would become a new tradition for all of them, and that they'd carry it on wherever they went, and bring in others to help.
"I think we've started something here today," Mal said to Zoe and Tracy.
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2517)
"Your move," Jayne said to Mal, as a waitress came to the table and tucked a slip of paper with a job prospect on it into Mal's coat pocket, taking a coin off the table by way of payment for the referral.
Mal jumped a series of pieces. "That's a bold move," Zoe said, impressed.
"I live on the edge," Mal said, downing the last of his third drink.
Zoe used Mal's opening to jump even more pieces.
"Nice work, dumbass," Jayne said to Mal as Zoe chuckled at him, a smirk on her face.
"I've given some thought to moving off the edge," Mal said ironically. "Not an ideal location. Might get a place in the middle."
"Toast!" yelled a man at the bar.
Here we go, thought Zoe.
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2516)
Serenity was in the wastes between worlds, and Mal sat down in the galley with Zoe, the bottle of Jack Daniels he had used to christen the ship and a couple of glasses between them. He poured each glass half-full of the brown liquid and passed one to her.
"Let's hope," he said, "that on Boros and maybe a hundred other worlds, our tradition is being carried out in our absence."
Zoe raised her glass. "To the Browncoats," she said.
"To the Browncoats," Mal repeated with a nod and clinked glasses with her before they each took a long gulp.
"And to all the skulls we would have fractured," Mal said.
"That too," agreed Zoe.
O-O-O
(July 3rd, 2517)
"Toast!" the bald man at the bar cried out again. "Quiet! Shut up!"
The music in the bar died to silence.
"I'm uh… I got words," the Toastmaster said. "I'm saying… This… is an 'ass-picious' day. We all know what day it is."
In the back, Jayne looked on, confused. "Suspicious? What day is it?"
"A glorious day for all the proud members of the Allied Planets," said the Toastmaster, holding his drink in his hand. "Unification Day!"
"Yeah, yeah!" various members around the bar raised their drinks and voiced their assent.
"The end of the scumbag independents," the Toastmaster said, "and the dawn of a new galaxy!"
"Yeah!" someone cried from one of the tables. Similar cheers went up all around the establishment.
Mal started to rise. "Captain?" Zoe asked.
"I just feel the need for another drink," Mal said as he headed for the bar.
"What month is it?" Jayne asked Zoe as Mal walked off.
Mal placed his cup on the bar and ordered another round, coincidentally standing next to the Toastmaster, who eyed him. "Hey," he said. "You gonna drink the Alliance with me? Six years today, Alliance sent the Browncoats runnin', pissin' their pants."
Mal said nothing as he paid the bartender and took his drink while the Toastmaster eyed him up and down. "You know, your coat is kind of a brownish color…"
"It was on sale," Mal said, taking a drink.
"You didn't toast," the man said. "You know, I'm thinkin' you're one of them Independents."
Mal put down his drink and turned to face the man. "And I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling. So why don't we just ignore each other 'till we go away?"
"The Independents were a bunch of cowardly, inbred piss-pots, shoulda been killed offa every world spinnin'," said the Toastmaster as Mal took another sip. He put down his drink angrily and turned to face the man again.
"Say that to my face," he said, seriously.
The man turned to fully face Mal, and expression of anger and defiance on his face as he swaggered in place. "I said you're a coward, and a piss-pot. Now what are you gonna do about it?"
Mal grinned. "Nothing. I just wanted you to face me so she could get behind you," he said.
The man began to turn, and got halfway around before Zoe cracked him across the skull with her Mare's Leg. He went down, passed out.
"Drunks are so cute," Mal said to her.
The pair turned at the sound of scraping wood, as more than a dozen men got to their feet.
"Oh," said Mal. "Zhe zhen shi ge kuaile de jinzhan."
Zoe's voice had a hint of panic in it. "Jayne?"
Back at the table, Jayne called back. "Hey, I didn't fight in no war. Best 'o luck, though."
"Fine," said Mal, pulling down the lapels of his coat. "Let's do this."
Less than a minute later, Mal was tossed out the holographic window and into the dirt road in front of the bar. The window flickered for a moment, then corrected itself. He pulled out his comm. "Wash? We got some local color happening. A grand entrance would not go amiss." He then got back to his feet.
Zoe kicked a man out the front door of the bar, then decked another, the kicked man instead going after Mal, who ducked his first punch, then countered. He feigned two strikes with his fist before kicking the man in the shin as hard as he could, then punching him cold in the face when the man hopped on one leg in pain. Meanwhile, Zoe sent another man to the ground as several more poured from the entrance. "Is Jayne even awake?" Mal demanded.
The three men coming from the entrance backed out, pushed by a bar stool that Jayne held sideways. He hit one in the head with the seat, sending him to the ground, then swung at another with it.
Zoe, for her part, had been knocked to the ground, and threw a handful of dirt in her attacker's face as she got to her feet before lunging at him and head butting him. Jayne had thrown the stool at someone and was now being menaced with it.
All three members of the Serenity crew were being driven back, and Mal looked behind him just in time to notice that he was at the edge of a cliff.
"Whoa-ho-ho! Ha ha!" Mal cried. "There is just an acre of you fellas, isn't there?" He turned to Zoe. "This is why we lost, you know; superior numbers."
"Thanks for the re-enactment, sir," Zoe deadpanned.
The Toastmaster stepped to the front of the crowd and pulled out a long, silver revolver; two others in the group also pulled. "Hey, them ain't kosherized rules!" Jane exclaimed.
The Toastmaster cocked his weapon, a purple, bleeding welt on his forehead. "I'm thinkin' somebody needs to put you down, dog. What do you think?"
Mal refused to back down. "I'm thinking we'll rise again," he said, as Serenity rose majestically from beneath the cliff's edge and into the air, facing the men.
The ramp began to descend as Wash's voice came over the external speakers. "Every man there go back inside, or we will blow a new crater in this little moon."
The crowd reluctantly lowered their weapons and headed back into the bar as Mal, Zoe and Jayne stepped onto the ramp, Mal giving a wave as it closed behind him.
He had to laugh as he watched them go; Serenity had no weapons.
(Author's Note: Given the fact that I had written early on that Zoe and Mal had agreed upon this Unification Day tradition, I thought it would be nice to show what happened in those intervening years. Some of the 2517 segments, including the entire end section, comes verbatim from the opening segment of Episode 2, "The Train Job".)
(Next Time: Hold A Man Over The Volcano's Edge - The past of Adelai Niska is explored as he tortures a familiar face to death.)