Hey Everyone - I'm sorry for the lag in time between updates. Although most of your reviews were positive, I received a few negative ones for the previous chapter. I have to admit, I rushed through it a bit because I felt the pressure to update and it didn't turn out that great. I really tried taking my time with this one to make it as good as it could possibly be.
I also apologize for not giving each and every one of you a shout out! That doesn't mean I appreciate your reviews any less. I just wanted to post this ASAP.
So there are only two chapters left so enjoy while it lasts!!!
Sandy didn't know what to do, so he just held on to her and tried to calm her breathing. No Words needed to be spoken to empathize with her. So instead of words, he used soft, sweet gestures. She was in his arms and held her grip to his button down shirt tightly. He rubbed her back and whispered in her ear that everything was going to be okay. He would make sure that she was all right. He didn't even know if she was listening.
Thoughts of telling her that he wanted to come home were now long forgotten. While flying back to Newport, he thought about calling her lawyer first thing in the morning to draw up reversal papers. He didn't want to be legally separated from her. He wanted to be her husband. All of this was now on the back burner.
Even in death, Caleb was somehow still coming between them. He would have to put his future plans on hold. The last time he had to do this was over twenty years ago. Back then, he thought he would never get the opportunity to marry Kirsten.
The following Saturday was the day that his whole life was going to change. Or so he thought! He was going to marry the woman of his dreams and do everything in his power to make her happy for the rest of their lives. She was going to take his name, legally and without any arguments. Kirsten Cohen. She was no longer going to have to live up to the Nichol legacy. She was going to be whoever she wanted to be and Sandy loved that sense of determination.
She was going to be a Cohen and carry the last name with a strong tone of Judaism attached to it. She couldn't be more proud because that surname belonged to Sandy. She was surprised that he even asked her if she was going to be okay to change her name. She didn't even think twice about it. Losing the Nichol part was going to send her into a frenzy of freedom.
She was proud to be marrying Sandy and more proud to take his name.
Next Saturday was when all this was going to happen and they both felt like they were never going to get to this day. They hit a few obstacles with the event planning. Certain flowers were out of season, certain bands were not available, but these things were normal parts of planning a wedding. Kirsten could get a handle on when things went wrong, but normally Sandy would be there to tell her everything was okay
Then it was Sandy's turn to lose his mind. "What do you mean you want to change the date?" He asked.
"It's just that …" She had to tell him that her father would not be able to make it and she just couldn't get married without her father walking her down the aisle.
"Kirsten, if you are getting cold feet, if you want to postpone this because you are not sure, we can sit and discuss it. Let's not make any rash decisions."
"I'm not getting cold feet. I love you more than I think you could ever imagine. My father called me today and told me that his schedule is booked solid and he won't be able to come." She looked at the floor, almost scared to tell Sand y this next part. "I can't get married without him there." She looked back up with him, tears pooling at her lids. "I just can't. I'm sorry. Can we just postpone it another month?"
How could he say no? He loved this woman and would fly to the moon if that were where she wanted the ceremony to be. "So, I guess we have to find out if all the vendors are available right?"
She jumped into his arms. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" She kissed him hard before speaking again, excitement evident in her voice. "I promise I am going to marry you someday Sandy."
A month passed and Sandy once again was getting ready to celebrate his impending marriage to Kirsten. About 5 days before, Kirsten asked him to do what he felt like was the impossible. "I can't believe I am going to ask this of you again. I really can't. Please understand how important this day is to me and how important it is that he is there." She pleased.
"Kirsten, did you ever think about telling this all to your father? Maybe he would make more of an effort." When she looked at him horrified, he eased her worry with more words. "I'm sorry, it's just that maybe he keeps doing this because it is his way of showing you that he really doesn't want me to be your husband. It is like he is taking a stand. Did you ever think of that?"
"He wouldn't do that Sandy. He knows all about the hell my mother and I went through to accommodate a new date. He couldn't be that malicious!" But deep down, Kirsten knew that it was possible.
"Kirsten, I'll do whatever you want, but this time, you are going to call my mother." Sandy smiled when he said it because he knew the hell Kirsten was going to pay for this one.
So they waited another month and rearranged all their plans. Sandy knew there would be yet another pending phone call from Caleb with another excuse. Fortunately for Sandy, it came on the eve of their rehearsal dinner. Unfortunately for Kirsten, she was extremely upset during a time that she should be happiest.
"Kirsten, if you want to postpone it again, I will, but I am telling you that he is just going to keep this up."
"No!" She was tough and strong-willed. He loved that about her. "We are going to get married tomorrow. You're one hundred percent right. It's his loss. He is going to miss seeing me on the happiest day of my life."
He smiled, relieved that Caleb was no longer in his way. They were going to wed tomorrow.
Now he held her in his arms, and even in death, Caleb stood between him and Kirsten. He knew she couldn't handle anything more than this right now. He knew that through all the years and all the fights, Kirsten loved her father very much. She wouldn't have never spent the better half of her life trying to please him if she didn't.
"It's going to be okay." He whispered one final time before he pulled away from her and tilted her chin to force eye contact. "Let me take you home. You can't drive like this."
They weren't thinking of much other than Caleb on the ride from Sandy's apartment to their house. There were no words exchanged, the only noise was the occasional sniffle from Kirsten.
They weren't thinking about their wonderful Christmas or their vacation to Berkeley.
They certainly weren't thinking when they left the Range Rover at Sandy's apartment and arrived back at the house together with one car.
Sandy pulled up the driveway and immediately got out to open the other side of the door. His concern right now was for her and her only. He offered his hand and she took it as he guided her to the front steps of the house.
"Wait a second." She said quietly to him. She started to rub her eyes, in an attempt to fix her smudged make-up. She took a few deep breaths and gave Sandy an encouraging nod.
He slowly opened the door, sounds of play station filling the house. "Hey Mom, we're in here. As you can see, the house is still in tact." Seth called out.
She looked at Sandy for help. She didn't take into consideration that she was going to have to face the boys.
Sandy was always her savior. "Why don't you go to our room? Take a shower, lay down, and relax." He instructed. "I'll go talk to the boys."
She gave him a thankful smile and without another word, turned away from him.
Sandy watched as Kirsten headed toward their bedroom, walking away from him, walking away from what he had hoped would have been a successful reunion.
He headed into the living room and noticed the questioning eyes that both his sons' stares held. Seth, like his father was always the one to break the silence. "Oh, hey Dad. We thought you were Mom. She's not back yet."
"Hey Sandy. How was your trip?" Ryan asked.
Ignoring Ryan, Sandy answered Seth. "Your mother went up to her bedroom. She needed a minute to get herself together."
"Well, that's ironic that you and Mom just happened to enter the house at the exact same time."
Only then, did Ryan notice Sandy's serious tone and melancholy demeanor. He kept quiet, knowing something bigger was going on.
"Not now Seth." Sandy scolded. Hiding their secret reunion, although it affected Seth immensely, was not his main concern.
"What's going on? Is Kirsten alright?"
Suddenly it hit Seth like a ton of bricks. Something was seriously wrong.
"I'm afraid not." Sandy took a seat on the loveseat that accompanied their pristine white couch. He pulled up his pants by the thighs in an effort to become more comfortable while he dropped this bombshell.
Finally Seth paused the play station. "What's going on?"
"Your grandfather passed away a few hours ago."
Ryan was silent, not wanting to disclose the many times that he wished such a horrific thing on the man. He knew Sandy did too, but now was not the time to mention such things.
"What?" Seth raised his voice as she started to stand. "I don't understand."
"I know." Sandy replied. "I figured he would outlive us all. I am still trying to wrap my head around it."
"What happened?" Ryan finally spoke.
"I really don't know the details. I just think it was his heart. I am sure when your mother and I…"
"How is Mom?" Seth asked, remembering why he stood up in the first place. He started to walk down toward the kitchen to make his way to find his mother.
"Seth…" Sandy stood up and grabbed his arm. "She needs a little time to digest all this. She is extremely upset. Let's just all give her a little space. Okay?"
Seth listened to his father, more out of fear of facing his mother, than thinking he was right. Once Sandy nodded his head and took off for his bedroom, Seth tuned to Ryan. "Wow!"
"Yeah. I'm sorry Seth."
"Thanks." Seth thought for a second before speaking again. "And I was about to tease my Dad about my Mom and him being together." He said sarcastically.
When Ryan didn't reply, Seth continued. "Is it too soon to joke?"
Sandy slowly opened the double doors to their bedroom and saw Kirsten sitting at the table facing the glass wall overlooking the ocean. His eyes were then drawn to the fact that there was a bottle of vodka and a glass with the tainted liquid accompanying her.
He didn't want to startle her since she didn't hear him come in. "Hey." He was letting his presence be known.
She didn't even turn around to acknowledge him. He then noticed the wrapper from the cap of the bottle was sitting on the table as well. A few thoughts crossed his mind.
She just opened the bottle.
Where did she get the bottle?
There was about a fifth of it missing.
Was she starting to drink away any thoughts of the devastating news?
"Kirsten? Honey? What are you doing?"
"I can't believe this." She said coldly. She was suddenly so distant.
"I know, but I'm here. You don't need this." He said as he pushed the bottle to the other end of the table as he took a seat across from her.
She ignored his request as she took another sip from her drink.
"Kirsten, don't shut me out." He wanted to let her know that he could be her crutch, not the alcohol.
When she didn't even look at him, he didn't know what other to do than slid the glass away from her. She hated that he was treating her like this. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"I want you to talk to me. I don't want you to turn away from me. I want to help you."
She grabbed her glass back and replied. "Always the savior, huh?"
She poured another glass, wanting to drown her sorrows and wash the pain away. Deep down, she knew Sandy was just trying to help, but she couldn't take it right now. All she wanted to do was get drunk. Her father just died. I deserve at least that, she thought.
"Don't do this Kirsten. I know you're upset, but don't take it out on me. Tell me what's going on up there?" He said softly pointing to her head.
She laughed venomously. "You don't want to know."
"I rather know than drink yourself sick."
"Why?" She bit back. "You don't feel like cleaning up another one of my messes?"
"What?" He asked, perturbed by what was coming out of her mouth.
"My affair, my drinking, now my grieving. Just add it to the list of all my faults, Sandy." She said bitterly, suddenly hating the fact that he was always so perfect.
"Stop it!" He said. "Stop trying to pick a fight because you're upset.
"Why? Does the truth hurt? I know what I am Sandy. I know you have to put up with all my bullshit. I know that you don't understand one ounce of what I'm feeling. There's not going to be any love lost between you and my father."
Sandy knew her anger was fueled by alcohol. She picked up the glass again and topped off her glass one more time. "Don't make this about me." He said quietly. "I know you are upset, but getting drunk is not solving anything. Your sons are downstairs worried about you. How do you plan on facing them?" He shot back.
"Their big boys, Sandy. They can respect the fact that I might need some space right now."
Sandy hated when she drank this much alcohol. She was bitter. He knew that under normal circumstances, that the average person having this much liquor after this type of tragedy wouldn't be a big deal. But this was Kirsten. She always turned to alcohol when she felt like she needed it. That was what worried him.
"Kirsten, I'm going to ask you one more time to talk to me. I want you to turn to me and not that glass." He said as she stopped her hand from reaching from the glass.
"Do you really want to hear it? I'm pissed because the last time I spoke with my father we had an argument. The last time I saw him, he left my office on bad terms. Do you want to know why?" She tried to catch her breath, but it was all filtering out right now and she couldn't stop. "We fought once again over you. I stuck up for you and now he's dead. Do you want to know how I feel about that? I feel like the world's worst daughter and the biggest piece of shit."
Sandy didn't know what to say and immediately got up from his chair and pulled her out of hers. He pulled her body tight against hers so she couldn't push away from him. "Sweetheart, that's not my fault. Stop pushing me away because I'm not going anywhere."
"I hate you for that." She cried into his chest. Suddenly, she moved her hands and pushed herself hard away from his embrace. "I need you to leave."
"What?" He looked at her in a state of bewilderment.
"I want to be left alone. I need some time to myself."
Sandy knew that meant she wanted to continue drinking. "I want to stay here with you."
"Sandy?" She was asking him not to make this hard.
"Kirsten, don't push me away."
"Please?" She was begging.
Sandy knew that this was the moment that defined who they were. Kirsten felt lousy about the death of her father. Who wouldn't if they were in her shoes? But the person she was a year ago would have never asked Sandy to leave. She would have needed him to be there and comfort her. Now she looked at him and since he was the one there, she felt the need not to bask in the comfort, but rather distribute the blame. In this time of need, she needed Sandy to be at fault for something and that had never been the case in the past.
Sandy didn't know what to do other than accept defeat. Accept the fact that for the first time, she really didn't want him there.
She stared at Sandy knowing he would back down and leave her alone. In the end, he always did what she wanted. She didn't know why but she was so mad at him. Mad that she stuck up for him, mad that she was away with him and not with her father, mad that Julie called him and not her. She knew this was irrational thinking, but no one can define proper behavior under these circumstances.
He accepted defeat and started to turn away from her and head for the door. "You know, I really was just trying to help. I know how much you loved him and how much of your life you dedicated to pleasing him."
He did understand. "I love you Sandy." She wanted to tell him that she did appreciate his efforts. It was three words she hadn't spoken a long time, afraid she was going to push him away. It felt good to say them again.
He turned back around to face her and she could see the look of hurt written all over his face. "I wish that were true." He said as tears pooled at his eyelids. "If you loved me, you would never make me feel so useless."
He looked at the floor, almost ashamed for her and her child-like behavior. He didn't want to look at her or speak any more words. He decided to just head back to his apartment and give in to her initial request.
The next morning Sandy felt like once again he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He tried putting himself in Kirsten's shoes, searching for anything to condone her behavior.
The phone rings and breaks him out of deep thought. He can't help but hope that it is Kirsten with a sincere apology.
"Sandy?" The voice was low and not matching Kirsten's.
"Speaking."
"It's Julie."
"How are you doing Julie?" Sandy knew that Caleb's death was not really an enormous loss for the woman, but she still was his wife.
"I'm okay. A little overwhelmed. That is actually why I'm calling."
Sandy listened intently to Julie discussing her needs of help with the funeral arrangements. She couldn't handle all the responsibility on her own and Sandy actually felt sorry for her. But then she struck a nerve.
"I want to make this as smooth as possible. Kirsten deserves at least that." Julie spoke with true compassion for her friend.
"Speaking of Kirsten, why didn't you ask her to help you?"
"I tried, but I think she is taking this really bad, Sandy. The first time I called I think she was drunk and the second time I called she seemed like she was almost in a sedated state." Julie thought for a moment and didn't understand why Sandy wasn't taking better care of her friend. "Why aren't you with her now? Not that it's any of my business, but I think she needs you right now."
Sandy couldn't believe that he was going to discuss his personal like with Julie, but what did he have to lose. "She doesn't want me."
"I doubt that. You're her rock. She has told me that before you now?"
"Not now." He sadly replied. "She needs someone to blame and I really can't handle that. I don't know if I can ever accept that."
"It will be okay. I mean, you guys will get through this."
"Oh yeah? How do you know?" He said in an almost joking matter.
"It just seems like there is just too much there to give up on."
Julie's words rang in Sandy's mind all day and into the night. He wanted to believe her, but he was still upset. He felt as if the previous night, their entire relationship changed. He knew Kirsten was upset and hoped he would find her in better spirits. He had to go over and see her. He wanted to call her all day, but was trying to give her some space. When he spoke to Seth, he said she had not emerged from her room. He hated to admit that he was worried.
He let himself in the house and the usual laughter and banter that filled the mansion was missing. It was a somber environment, but he wasn't quite convinced if it actually had anything to do with Caleb's death. The boys must have been out and the only light that filtered through the long hallway was from the doorway of their bedroom.
He tentatively headed toward her, afraid that he was over stepping his boundaries. Worry conquered politeness as he continued his journey. Through the cracked door, he saw her sitting in the same position he left her in yesterday. The only thing that changed was the brand of vodka sitting on the table. He didn't want to scare her so he knocked lightly.
She turned slowly and once their eyes met, Sandy knew she was drunk. "Hey." He said softly and full of sympathy.
She gave him a sad smile and turned her herself back to face the bottle. "I'm sorry about yesterday." She whispered, but it was enough for him to hear her.
"I see you're not feeling any better." He picked up the bottle as he spoke.
"Please don't lecture me."
"I'm worried about you. Julie is worried about you."
"You spoke to Julie?"
"Yes. She asked me for help with the arrangements. She didn't want you to have to deal with it."
"Oh."
"The wake starts at two tomorrow afternoon."
When she didn't respond to that, he continued. "Kirsten, please don't drink tomorrow. That is all I ask."
"Don't judge me." She was angry. "You have been judging my every move since I told you about Jimmy. I can't take being under a microscope anymore. I can't concentrate on being perfect for you."
"I never asked you to be anything other than yourself."
"Well this is it Sandy." She said holding up her glass. "You can't be my first priority anymore. I have to give myself some time."
He was looking at her like she was crazy. He never asked for any of this. He never wanted her to feel this way. Once again he felt like maybe they were not meant to work things out. Maybe they were not strong enough. She was now asking him to step aside so she can focus on herself. Was that what she really wanted in the long run or was this because of all the grief she feels and all the alcohol she drank?
"I'm going to pick you and the boys up tomorrow at one. Please be ready." That was his way of telling her not to be drunk, without actually saying those words. He got up and started walking away from her just like he did the previous night. "For the record, I never asked to be your first priority."
As he drove home all he thought about was what their marriage actually meant to her. He was so close to telling her he was ready to move home. He was ready for them to be a family again, but now she was the one that wasn't prepared for it. He felt like he did a few months ago. He didn't know where his life was headed and this uncertainty killed him. Suddenly the weight that had been lifted months ago had returned.
Then the phone call that would give him some direction came to his cell phone while he lie in bed that night. He took it as sign.
"Hello?"
"Sandy? It's Paul." Paul could tell Sandy wasn't in the best of moods. "Is now a bad time?"
"Paul, how are you?"
"I'm good. Do you have a minute to talk?"
"Yeah. Things have been a little crazy. Kirsten's father passed away so I apologize for sounding a bit out of it."
"I'm sorry." Paul didn't know if he should continue or not. "I can call you later in the week."
"Don't be silly. You got me on the phone now. What's up?"
"Well, I'm not really sure how to ask this, so I am going to come right out with it."
"You don't need a reason dance around subjects with me." Sandy joked. "Unless it's going to be another argument over the Yankees and Dodgers."
"No. I've learned my lesson on that topic. I actually wanted to talk to you about Berkeley. It was great seeing you two over the weekend."
"We had a great time too." Sandy said sadly, already knowing that moment was long gone.
"So, when I mentioned the position of a law professor opening up, exactly how interested were you in it?"
"Well, it's a tempting offer." Sandy said honestly. He would love nothing better than to relive his Berkeley days.
"How tempting?" Paul pushed.
"Why?" Sandy asked.
"Well I think you would be a great asset to the department and I really want you to consider it."
"Are you serious?" A million thoughts were running through Sandy's mind.
Could he really leave Newport? He never really fell in love with the community.
Could he really leave the boys? They were going away to college in the fall anyway.
Could he really leave Kirsten? She said it herself that she needs some time.
Could he quit his job and live on a professor salary? That would be the easiest of all things to do.
"I'm very serious. I do realize that since the semester is starting in two weeks that this semester is probably not possible. I spoke to someone in administration and they said they would be willing to hold the position until the fall if you commit to it now."
"Wow." The same thoughts were still swirling around in his head. "Can I have some time to think about it?"
"I can give you about a week otherwise we have to publicly post the job."
"Well then I will call you in a week."
"Great!" Paul never thought he would have gotten Sandy to give this much thought. He knew he had a great life in Newport. "Sandy, I'm just glad you're even considering it."
Sandy felt like there was another way to lift that great weight. "Me too."
The next morning Kirsten woke up, knowing she had to pull herself together for Sandy and her sons. She saw the boys after being in hiding for the past two days, assuring them that she was okay. The look on their faces made her realize that she was in no position to make them worry any more than they had to.
She got dressed, knowing that today was going to be tough, but didn't need alcohol to get her through it. She had Sandy and that was all the support she needed. She heard the doorbell ring and headed down to answer it, secretly hoping it was Sandy. She wanted to talk to him and was glad he was early. When she opened the door, Hailey stood there with sad eyes and open arms.
"Hey sis."
"Hailey how was your flight?"
"Long, but I'm glad I made it. Are you okay?" Hailey knew Kirsten was the one that was going to take their father's death the hardest.
"I'm fine." She moved aside to let Hailey in and they walked into the kitchen.
"Is everyone still getting ready?" Hailey asked in a response to a very quiet kitchen.
"Yeah." Kirsten just assumed she was talking about the boys.
Without thinking, Kirsten spoke her thoughts out loud. Her mind was too occupied with trying to cover up the secrets of her marriage. "So, I guess we are going to have to take two cars over to the funeral home so we have plenty of room. Sandy should be here soon to pick us up."
"Pick us up?"
Kirsten's eyes widened, knowing that she disclosed something she didn't know how to hide. "Yeah." She tried to play it off.
"Why isn't he here now?" Hailey always picked up on her awkwardness.
"It's a long story." Kirsten said, not wanting to get into it now.
"Well, I'm going to be here for a few days, so why don't you tell me what's going on?" She said moving closer to her older sister, wanting to offer comfort. She could sense Kirsten was not okay with the situation.
"Hailey, I really don't want to get into it right now, but Sandy doesn't live here anymore. He hasn't lived here for about a year now."
"What?" She said softly, trying to offer a welcoming shoulder for Kirsten to cry on. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I don't know. It's a long story." Kirsten repeated, not wanting Hailey to ever find out how she betrayed her and Sandy all in one shot.
Kirsten decided to walk back to her room just to avoid the third degree from Hailey. As she walked away, Hailey called back to her. "That's all I get?"
At that moment, the doorbell rang and Kirsten smiled. "You can get the door." She joked.
Hailey grunted as she walked toward the front door, surprised to see her brother-in-law on the other side. "Since your ringing the bell, I have to guess what Kirsten told me is true."
Sandy stepped inside and gave Hailey a nonchalant hug. "It's nice to see you too Hailey."
"For a second, I thought Kirsten really lost her mind. I mean, no one would ever believe that you two were having problems deep enough for you to move out."
That statement told Sandy a lot. Hailey had no idea what Kirsten did. "I'm sorry about your father." Sandy said trying to change the subject.
"What hell is going on with you two?" This was tough for Hailey to digest. Just a year ago, Hailey sat in this house telling her sister how sickening her sweet and loving marriage was.
Sandy knew Hailey wouldn't let him off the hook that easily. Little did she know, that the truth would destruct her relationship with her sister. Sandy took the safe route. "What did Kirsten tell you?"
Hailey rolled her eyes, knowing what Sandy was doing. "Just that it's a long story and that you moved out."
"Well that's all your going to get!" Sandy exclaimed.
Sandy, Kirsten and Hailey drove to the funeral home in complete silence. There was really nothing to say other than the obvious. None of them could believe that they were all headed over to Caleb's funeral service.
Hailey didn't understand the cause and effect to what was going on between those two. If they were having problems, why was Sandy driving them? If Sandy was not living in his home with his family, why was he holding her sister's hand? If they were physically separated from each other, why were they acting as if there was no distance between them now? When they were deep in love, she didn't understand their happiness and when they were having problems, she still didn't understand their relationship.
When they arrived at the funeral home, Sandy got out of the car and hurried around to open the door for his wife. He handed the keys to the valet with one hand as the other found the small of her back, just to offer her some support. Before they headed into the designated room, Kirsten stopped in her tracks.
Sandy stopped with her and spoke ever so softly. "Are you okay?"
"I just need a minute." She was so scared, but extremely grateful that Sandy was there. She looked at him, hoping his stare would give her the strength she needed. "I know you were worried about me and I thank you for that. I'm sorry for scaring you with my drinking."
Sandy didn't want her to worry about him right now. What she said earlier rang true. He didn't need to be her first priority, especially now. "Don't worry about that right now."
"Thank you for being here."
Sandy suddenly felt guilty about the conversation he had with Paul last night. Once again, he felt that weight pushing down on his shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere." He knew that wasn't entirely true. He wasn't going to leave her side today, but he truly didn't know what the future held.
Sandy guided her in the room and watched as Hailey cried over the casket. Kirsten knew Hailey would be dealing with the emotion of guilt more than sorrow. Sandy stayed back until Kirsten was ready to go up and pay her respects to her father. She slowly walked forward, dragging her feet along the thick brocade carpet, dreading the inevitable.
Once she reached her destination, she couldn't believe she was there. Her father's life flashed through her mind in the matter of seconds. The father he was when she was a little girl, always supportive and always proud. The father he was when she was an adolescent, always scolding and never home. The father he was when she was a young adult, always disappointed and never outwardly proud. The father he was as an adult, always a friend and always interfering.
She couldn't hold it together and all it took was Sandy's hand soothingly rubbing her back for her to completely break down. She turned into Sandy's chest, sobbing uncontrollably as he whispered encouraging words to her.
After pulling herself together, she put on her masked Newpsie face and greeted what felt like a million guests. She responded to their "sorrys" with polite "thank yous" and she smiled in all the appropriate places. Whenever she was thirsty, Sandy was there with a cup of water and whenever she grew tired of standing, Sandy ushered her to a nearby chair. She was reminded over and over again of how much she needs him.
Once again they were standing in the front of the room as Sandy leaned over and whispered into her ear. "It's almost over. It won't be long until your home and..." His words were brought to an abrupt halt. Kirsten looked up and noticed Sandy's eyes were intensely focused toward the back of the room. Kirsten followed his eyes and her stomach did somersaults as she realized what held Sandy's attention. She immediately reached for his hand but as her skin grazed his, she felt his hand tightly clenched into a fist. She knew he was fuming inside.
She rubbed it soothingly, helping him relax. She wanted him to know she wasn't leaving his side. As soon as his hand opened, she slipped her smaller one inside, marveled at the way it just fit.
Sandy couldn't believe his eyes. He couldn't believe that he was staring at his worst fucking nightmare. All the anger that took a year to dissipate returned in an instant. That anger took over his body and he couldn't stop the grinding of his teeth, the shaking of his hands and the tensing of muscles in his shoulders.
Jimmy Cooper! How dare he just show up?
Kirsten didn't know what to do so she remained still, squeezing Sandy's hand, hoping he was getting the message that she needed him at that moment. She needed him to be strong for her. She needed him not to cause a scene.
As Jimmy shook hands with some people in the back of the room, Sandy couldn't tears his eyes away from him. He remembered back to the day he started to hate Jimmy. He watched him the same exact way as he was right now.
It was one of many parties that they attend at Caleb's mansion when they started dating. Kirsten loved bringing Sandy to these things because it made the time pass and Sandy had this ability to keep a smile on her face the entire evening. Sandy, on the other hand, dreaded going, but would do anything for Kirsten.
He heard earlier that evening from Kirsten's mother that Jimmy was home from USC and would be attending the party as well. The whole night his eyes searched the entrance to the mansion, waiting for this Jimmy to arrive. Kirsten told him that they used to date and that it was pretty serious, but she always reassured him he was her past.
Sandy knew he would never like anyone Kirsten ever dated, but the fact that he was from Newport and part of her old life, struck a nerve with him. He also hated the fact that he was Kirsten's only other sexual partner. He didn't view that as a flaw. Quite the opposite actually. He loved that she was so pure in that sense. He just hated that she shared that special intimacy with him. He couldn't stand the type of people Kirsten had been around her whole life, but he loved that she was able to see beyond that.
While they were dancing, arms wrapped around each other, Sandy saw a guy Kirsten's age enter the party. It had to be him. He was everything he expected, which perturbed him a little bit. How could Kirsten be attracted to a guy like him and love a guy like me?
Kirsten felt his attention being focused somewhere else. She followed his gaze and saw that he was staring at Jimmy. Kirsten's stare remained a little bit longer than she wanted it to, but she couldn't help it. She hadn't seen Jimmy since that fateful morning at the diner when she broke up with him and shattered their plans, dreams and future together. She knew it was something she had to do.
Her eyes made their way back to Sandy and he was now staring at her, staring at him. "That's Jimmy." She simply said.
He watched as Jimmy shook hands with highly influential members of the community, which made Sandy frown. He knew he would never be accepted into this community in that manner. When Sandy didn't make a comment, Kirsten tried to make a sarcastic joke. "You were right. This isn't going to be awkward at all."
Sandy smiled, but still remained quiet. Kirsten could tell he had something on his mind. "What are you thinking about?" She asked, but wanted to reassure him physically that Jimmy being there had no affect on her. She slowly leaned him to kiss him, but stopped within an inch of his lips. She smiled lazily, waiting for him to come to her. When he did, she kissed him back immediately, loving how they teased each other and played these games. When they pulled apart, she asked again. "Tell me?"
"It's just..." His gaze found Jimmy again, knowing that he could size him and everything about him up in the matter of watching him for a few mere minutes. He could tell he was a typical Newport, spoiled, rich, brat that never had to work for anything hard in his entire life. "...I don't get how you could be attracted to two more different people."
"What do you mean?" She asked, wanting him to explain.
"He's so different than me. I can tell just by looking at him, the way he carries himself, the cocky smile, even the way he dresses. Even in appearances, we are the complete opposite."
"Well, that might be true, but you, Sandy Cohen are completely irresistible. I just couldn't help myself." She said as she playfully fixed his tie.
He laughed and she could tell that needed more so she spoke again. "Jimmy and I were what everyone wanted and expected of me. That was a big turn off. When I met you, I felt something inside that I just can't even begin to explain. You summed it up when you said that it just felt right. That is the best explanation that I can offer."
Sandy knew she was being honest and sincere. "Well, that's all I need."
Jimmy slowly but surely was making his way to the front of the room. Sandy tried not to stare, but anger was trumping politeness. He got closer and Sandy wanted to wipe that smug look off his face. He hated that everyone in this town thought of him as their golden boy. He got closer and shook another hand before coming face to face with Hailey.
Hailey. If she only knew what he had done. If she only knew that he was exchanging saliva with both Nichol sisters at the same. Those thoughts turned Sandy's stomach.
He felt Kirsten squeeze his hand, but it didn't offer any type of comfort. He knew she wanted him to face her, but he couldn't. He wanted to, but his eyes couldn't stray from the man he honestly thought he could kill.
Then he heard Hailey's voice full of delight. "Oh my God, Jimmy. You came." This made him more sick.
"I wanted to pay my respects and be there for you and Kirsten." He said with a smile on his face.
Be there for Kirsten?
Pay your respects?
He couldn't believe this guy. Sandy was in such a zone that he had no idea what was really going on around him. If he did. he would have seen Ryan take a few steps closer to the only father he really had ever know. Ryan could see the raw determination in Sandy's eyes. It almost scared him.
Jimmy took another step closer to Kirsten and away from Hailey. Kirsten didn't know what to do. She wanted to run out of there, but that would cause too much of a scene. She wanted to show Sandy the respect he deserved, but it was almost impossible. She did nothing but bow her head and stare at the carpet. It was the only thing she could think of. She didn't want to face Jimmy, especially with Sandy analyzing their every move.
Hailey watched, not really understanding her sister's actions. "Kiks?" She questioned.
Before she could respond, she heard Sandy's voice in the deepest tone he could project. "I thought I told you to stay away from my wife."
That was all Hailey needed to hear to understand the true reason behind the problems that plagued her sister's marriage. Sandy held his gaze, not backing down. Kirsten's eyes remained glued to the floor, but her grip on Sandy's hand was tighter.
Jimmy couldn't face his former friend. His eyes were darting all over the place. "Come on, Sandy. This is an extreme circumstance. I don't want any trouble."
Sandy could never understand how Kirsten could be attracted to such a coward. "I can't be in the same room as you and act like a civil human being. Get out of here now!" Sandy said venomously, but in hushed volume.
"That's your problem Sandy." He said coldly. "I'm trying to do the right thing. Caleb is part of many of my childhood memories and..."
"Jimmy, please?" It was the first words that Kirsten spoke, but her eyes still remained away from all the drama. She was begging him to leave and grant Sandy that one single wish.
Sandy couldn't take it anymore. Kirsten felt him let go of her hand and Ryan saw his fists clench. He stepped in immediately.
"Don't waste your time Sandy." Ryan said, pretty much making Sandy focus on him instead. "Let's get some air.
With Sandy out of the room, Jimmy slowly approached Kirsten. He waited for her to look up but she couldn't. Just because Sandy was out of the room didn't mean it was okay to embrace Jimmy. Jimmy hugged her anyway and Kirsten's arms remained limp and to her sides.
"I'm sorry Kirsten." When she didn't say anything back, he continued. "For your father and for everything." Not until then did Jimmy fully understand how their previous actions nearly destroyed her life.
Kristen was now the one watching the back door, waiting for Sandy to come back inside. He never did and that scared her to death. It definitely took some time, but they were finally getting somewhere, but the past couple of days set them back. Her drinking and her bad attitude combined with Jimmy showing up did not bode well for Sandy and their relationship.
The next morning she woke up with the same question playing on her mind from the previous night. Would Sandy be there today? She needed him to be there and not question everything they worked so hard on rebuilding.
Sandy knew he was a man that always went by his instincts so that was exactly what he was going to do today. He was livid that Jimmy showed up, but he knew that it wasn't Kirsten's fault. She didn't need the stress of him not keeping his cool. Sandy prided himself on the fact that he could always fight with his mind and not his fists. Hell, he has been trying to teach Ryan that for the past year and a half.
Today was the second day of three days of hell they were about to face. He knew that Kirsten needed him and he wasn't going to bail on her now. He was more of a man than that. So he headed back to his home for a second day of paying their respects to Caleb.
Kirsten wasn't sure how today was going to play out, but her mind was eased when she saw Sandy come through the front door. She thanked God for the millionth time that he was a part of her life.
It was his nature to joke. "This is a first!" He said as he came down the foyer steps and headed to the living room.
"What is?"
"You being ready before it is actually time to leave."
"Ah, you know me so well. Actually, I was waiting for you."
"You were?"
"Yes, I was." She said, moving closer to him, wishing she were comfortable enough to wrap her arms around him. "I wasn't sure after yesterday if you were going to be around today."
"Kirsten, I wouldn't leave you alone during such a difficult time. No matter what happens between us, I want you to know that."
That one statement scared Kirsten to death. Sandy was now unsure of what was going to happen between them? She could kill Jimmy for putting doubts in his mind. She had to address this immediately. "Sandy, I'm sorry about yesterday. I had no idea that he was planning on showing up. I just want you to know I never asked him to come."
Sandy looked at her with sad eyes. She knew exactly what he was thinking. "Okay." That was all he could muster. "It doesn't make it any easier to take though."
"I haven't spoken to him since that day you spoke to him on the phone. I need you to believe that Sandy."
"I believe you."
"Then why are you starting to doubt us again?"
The doorbell interrupted them and Kirsten reluctantly went to get it. She wanted Sandy to answer her, but deep down she knew it wasn't the time. If it weren't the doorbell, it would have been Hailey or the boys.
When she swung the door opened, she wished it were her sister or her sons. "Jimmy? What are you doing here?" She asked, hating the fact that Sandy had to witness this again.
"I'm sorry to just pop by, but I needed to find out what the hell happened yesterday." She knew he was referring to her behavior and she really didn't want to lie about it. She was sick of lying.
Well aware that Sandy was watching her every move, she was afraid to invite him inside. "Jimmy, you shouldn't be here."
"What? Now I'm not even welcome in your home?" He asked incredulously.
"No, it's just..." She struggled with what to say.
Sandy couldn't take it anymore. "No, you're not!" Sandy said a little bit loud, scolding himself for feeling the sense of his control slipping away.
Jimmy peered over Kirsten's shoulder and couldn't believe Sandy was standing there. He hated what he did to his friend and knew Sandy was not the type of person to ever forgive him. He also hated that after Kirsten disclosed everything to him, it wasn't enough to bring down their marriage. He didn't want Kirsten to be unhappy, but he still hated that their marriage was this strong. "I never knew Kirsten to need someone to speak up for her."
"Maybe you never really knew Kirsten."
Jimmy smirked, knowing he knew more of her than Sandy could even handle thinking about. Once his lips curved into an upward smile, Sandy wanted to punch him with all his might. He took a step forward and Kirsten recognized this.
She walked toward him and cupped his face to gain his full attention. "Sandy, please? Don't do this!"
"Kirsten, I just came here to figure out after all our years of friendship, you could ignore me yesterday." Jimmy said to Sandy's face and Kirsten's back. "Deep down, you know you could never ignore me."
Sandy was fuming, but kept his stare on Kirsten. He wanted to see how she was going to handle this. Her next move was going to define everything that their future held. "Jimmy, don't do this. I'm asking you not to make this situation any harder than it has to be."
Sandy couldn't believe she didn't tell him to leave. He couldn't believe that she wouldn't outwardly tell Jimmy that she chose him, her husband. Then he heard her say something that made him realize that Jimmy Cooper would never truly be out of her life. "We're all adults here and I would like to think we would all be at least civil to each other."
Jimmy smirked again, knowing he was putting Kirsten in an uncomfortable position, but glad she wasn't ushering him out.
Sandy could feel the tears threatening to spill over. "I want him to leave Kirsten." He said practically begging her to do the right thing.
"Sandy, he's just trying..." She started to defend him.
"You know what? I'm going to leave." Sandy hated what her words and actions meant.
"Sandy, don't!" She held his am, pleading with him.
"Kirsten, I'll go." Jimmy said. "I'll always do what you want." Jimmy said stepping back out the door.
Kirsten watched him go, not caring. She turned back to Sandy. "I'm sorry. I really am."
"No, you're not." He spat. "How can you defend him? How can you not throw him out?" He asked, hoping she was going to have a magical answer to make everything okay.
"I don't know." She said putting her head down. "He wasn't going to try anything. That part of our lives is over." She said, her defensive wall going up.
"I don't care!" He yelled at her. He hated raising his voice, especially to his Kirsten. "I just wanted you to do the right thing. The right thing for us."
She knew she screwed up, but between the death of her father and the stress of her marriage, she was barely holding it together. "I can't do this right now Sandy. I can't. I'm sorry. I can't worry about you right now." She looked at her watch, noting the time. "We can do this later. We can argue and fight and make up later. We have to leave in a few minutes and to be honest, I can't put this on my plate right now."
Sandy once again swallowed his pride and spent the entire day by Kirsten's side. The wake dragged on, but Sandy's thought were plagued with what he was going to do. The job at Berkeley was something that was looking better and better, the more he thought about it. Kirsten's behavior today pretty much sealed the deal.
Maybe they were not supposed to work all of this out. Maybe it was better to go their separate way. Sandy knew that life had a way of coming back around. If they were meant to be, then he had to let fate take over and hope for the best.
Kirsten noticed he was deep in thought and flashed a sympathetic smile at him. She hated what happened earlier, but truly didn't know what to do. She didn't want to throw Jimmy out of her house. He was her oldest friend, but Sandy was her husband. She wished she had done exactly what Sandy wanted. She just froze, not able to process everything so quickly.
Sandy saw her smile and that was the one thing that drove him crazy. How was he supposed to leave her behind?
After they went home and Kirsten retired to bed due to exhaustion, Sandy found his way into the living room, desperately wanting to talk to his boys. He would never make a life altering decision without their consent.
"Long day, huh?"
"That's one way to put it." Seth said.
Ryan paused their video game, realizing when Sandy sat down, that he came in the room for a serious talk. "What's going on Sandy?"
Sandy smiled, loving how Ryan was able to read all of them. "Just like my own son." His face grew serious and he stared at both boys, knowing he had their full attention. "I wanted to discuss something with you both and I expect you to be completely honest with me."
When they both nodded, he continued. "I didn't go to New York a few weeks ago."
"I knew it!" Seth exclaimed. "You went to Palm Springs right?"
Sandy now knew Seth was onto them. It broke his heart that he was actually excited about the prospect of reuniting as a family. It broke his heart that he was about to crush his dream.
"Actually no. I went to Berkeley." That wasn't a lie.
Ryan's face fell and murmured "Oh."
"Yeah, it was a lot of fun and I got to see some friends I hadn't seen in a very long time."
Seth was disappointed and was growing anxious of what Sandy had to tell them. "Don't beat around the bush Dad. What happened in Berkeley?"
"Well that is what I wanted to talk to you both about. I ran into my old friend Paul and shockingly enough, he offered me a job as a professor at the college." He waited for the information to sink in. "The position is for the fall semester and to be honest, I am seriously thinking of taking it."
"You're moving to Berkeley?" Ryan asked in disbelief, as Seth stayed quiet, rendered speechless.
"Well, like I said. I'm thinking about it. It wouldn't be until the fall and both of you will be off at college. Seth, with you on the east coast and Ryan possibly going to Berkeley anyway, it seems like it would be a good fit."
"What about Mom?" Seth found his voice, although it was low.
Sandy wanted to be as honest as he could be without disrespecting Kirsten. "Your mother knows about the offer, but I really was up in the air about it. I wanted to talk to you guys first before I made any definite decisions."
Sandy waited for either of them to speak. He wanted to give them time to process. "Do you think Mom will be okay?" Seth spoke again.
Sandy bowed his head, wondering the same thing. "Your mother and I have been living separate lives anyway. She is a strong woman and I think this move might be what we all need."
"Really?" Ryan wasn't so sure about that. "Do you think Kirsten wants you to move that far away? Do you think she wants you to start a whole new life without her?"
Sandy knew Ryan would defend Kirsten. He always felt the need to save the underdog. "Kirsten will always be in my life, so I don't want you to take my moving away as a sign that we are no longer a family. That couldn't be further from the truth. Okay?"
He was asking the boys to support him. He was asking for their permission to go, if he did decide to take this job. Sandy felt a surge of relief when they both nodded their heads, loving how mature they both were.
The next day was very somber for the entire clan as they watched Caleb's body lowered into the ground forever. Kirsten was a mess, the boys were in shock, Hailey's guilt reared its ugly head and Sandy was aggravated that Jimmy was still there.
Back at the Cohen house, all the mourners flocked for some food and a lot to drink. Sandy took care of hiring the caterers, wait staff, bartenders and everything else that went along with having one of these things.
Sandy knew he had four more days to make up his mind before he had to call Paul with a final decision. He was glad the boys were so accepting of this life altering move, but figured that with them going off to college, it wasn't going to make a huge difference in their own lives.
He spent the entire day watching Kirsten and thinking about how this decision is going to affect her. As much as he would love to dream of them reliving their Berkeley days, he was a realist. There was no way she would agree to move back there. He didn't expect her to uproot her entire life for him. Besides, the whole point was for them to get some breathing room and some space from each other.
He couldn't believe just a few days ago he was going to move home. Too many things changed his mind over such a short amount of time. She drank and said horrible things, plus Jimmy's return combined with the fact that she practically defended him was too much for him to take.
He watched as she drank glass after glass of wine and was horrified when she switched to straight vodka. He knew that was a very bad sign, when her nastiness came out.
He tried speaking to her as gently as possible, but she was past listening to him. He didn't her to embarrass herself or regret something in the morning. "Kirsten, honey let me help you. Let's get you to bed."
"I'm fine Sandy. Please just let me be." She begged.
He knew it was best to do as he was told. He watched from afar as she became inebriated. He watched as she spoke with the other drunken Newpsies. He watched as she spoke to Julie and Hailey, shaking them off when they expressed concern.
Then he watched as Jimmy approached. He watched her smile at him, making him sick. He knew she was drunk and not thinking straight, but she was in this state a few times right before jumping in the sack with him. His feet felt like heavy cement, not wanting to interrupt. He was too curious to see what was going to happen, how they both were going to handle this.
He watched as she practically tripped over her own feet. He watched, as Jimmy was the one there to catch her. He watched as she gave him another smile to thank him. He watched as she walked away from him.
Thank God!
Later, he couldn't help but keep watching. He watched as she tripped again and miraculously Jimmy was there again. Was this guy ever going to be out of their lives for good? He started to make his way over to her and became increasingly worried as Kirsten ripped her arm out of his grasp.
He forcefully pushed Jimmy's hands off his wife and held her up by himself. "I got her, Jimmy." He said forcefully.
"Yeah, we'll I had her all night. Where the hell have you been?"
"That's none of your business. Nothing about Kirsten and I is any of your concern. Just stay the hell out of our lives." He said under his breath as he ushered his wife away from her former lover.
Kirsten didn't remember much when she woke up the next morning. She knew she drank too much when she felt her heading pounding. She had an image of Jimmy and Sandy tugging on her arm, but she wasn't sure if that was real or not. She thought the images were being blurred in her mind from earlier when they exchanged words in the foyer.
A week went by and Kirsten felt like Sandy was acting very distant. Distant in the sense that he barely called, he barely spoke when she called, they had not shared one intimate moment since the funeral and she truly missed him. The house was so quiet. No interruptions from her father and she wasn't stupid though. She knew Jimmy's return shook him hard and he couldn't handle it. She tried to prove to him that he was all she needed, but it still wasn't enough.
During the week, Sandy called Paul and told him he needed one more week to decide. Paul told him that he would love to have him and granted him the time, but really couldn't go beyond another week. He understood and wished that some sort of sign would come his way.
While strolling down the pier, he felt as if that sign slapped him right in his face.
Jimmy!
What was he still doing in Newport?
Why wasn't he back in Hawaii?
Why hadn't he known that he was staying?
Did Kirsten know?
His anger began to build again, feeling like the only person that didn't know pertinent information. Just like their affair. He spent the entire day doing research at the office, but his mind kept drifting back to Jimmy. He tried to focus, but he needed some answers. He decided to do some research of his own.
In almost a panic, he started making calls. First to Julie, playing it off like it didn't matter but wanting to know if Jimmy was staying with her. She told him that he was staying at a hotel, but wasn't sure which one. He immediately got online and started call hotel after hotel feeling this greater need to find him. He didn't even understand it himself. Once he found him, what was he going to do? He honestly didn't know.
Then he found him. James Cooper staying at The Playa Del Ray right on the outskirts of town. None of this made sense. He kept asking himself if Kirsten knew where he was. His mind drifted further into a dark abyss of negativity. Had she been to The Playa Del Ray? His trust issues were really being tested now.
He didn't know what overcame him, but he was a man on a mission. Sandy Cohen never backed down until he got all the answers. Confrontation was what made him a great lawyer. In this case, Jimmy had the answers to all the questions plaguing his mind.
He arrived with a million questions, but yet his mind was blank as he almost turned away, changing his mind. He knocked once waiting for him to answer. Sandy was growing impatient. He knocked again. He has to be here. I spent the last hour finding him, he thought.
Finally the door swung over, and staring at him was the face he wanted to crack. Sandy could see the fear in Jimmy's eyes and that made him feel good. It made him feel like he had the upper hand. "Sandy, what are you doing here?"
Sandy stepped inside, not caring if he was invited in or not. Besides, Jimmy's put his private parts were inside his wife and Sandy certainly did invite him to do that. "I was going to ask you the same question."
"I had to stay somewhere and clearly I couldn't ask you guys."
"In Newport?" Sandy asked, not taking kindly to the fact that he was trying to joke around like there was nothing wrong between them.
"Huh?"
"Why haven't you left yet?" Sandy was slowly losing his patience.
"I'm not going back Sandy." He felt bad when he saw the look on Sandy's face, but there was no sense in lying to him. "I'm planning on staying in Newport. I'm looking for a home."
Sandy was defeated. There was no way he would be able to coexist in this town with his worst nightmare. He didn't need to ask why he was staying. He knew his daughters lived here, but figured there was more to it. "Does Kirsten know?"
"I guess you haven't spoken to her in awhile." Jimmy said again with a smirk.
Sandy kept telling himself to remain calm. Had he spoken to Kirsten? "We have, we just have better things to talk about."
"I'm sorry Sandy."
"Save it! I didn't want to hear your apologies nine months ago, and I don't want to hear them now."
"I'm sorry I pretended to be your friend, when all I wanted to do was get closer to your wife." Jimmy knew it was time for the entire truth.
Sandy's anger returned with a vengeance. "If you have something to get off your chest, then say it to my face." Sandy couldn't believe he was urging these words out of his mouth.
"I'm not sorry for all the times we betrayed you. I'm not. I treasure every single moment I've ever had with her. From the night we lost our virginity to each other to the very last time we kissed a year ago, it has always been special to me."
Sandy couldn't help but move his body closer to Jimmy's as he spoke words that broke his heart right in half. "Stop it." He yelled.
"She and I will always have something. It will never end. It will never falter. You were just a side step in our relationship."
"She's my wife. She chose me. She had my child not your's."
"It doesn't matter, Sandy. When are you going to get that?" Jimmy said backing up a step, afraid to what was going to happen next, but the words kept flowing out of his mouth.
"She didn't marry you!" Sandy yelled at the top of his lungs, pretty much on top of him now.
Jimmy gave Sandy that smirk one last time. "No." He knew it got to him. "But for some reason Sandy, she still wanted to fuck me."
Sandy didn't feel his hand clench into a fist. He didn't feel his arm lift and pull back. All he felt was his frustration being released as his knuckles connected with Jimmy's jaw. Pain never felt so good.
"She never loved you!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Jimmy feel back a little and his back hit the wall. Sandy's anger was still brewing as he pulled him by the collar to stand up straight. "She never wanted to build a life with you!" He yelled again as another fist connected with Jimmy's cheekbone.
Sandy knew he had to gain some sense of control. He honestly felt like he could kill him and that was not the true man that he was. "I'll say it again. Stay away from my wife!"
Jimmy slumped against the wall and watching Sandy turn away from him and walk out the door. Once outside, Sandy took a deep breath, as he looked at his bruise fingers. It had been a long time since he was in a fight because that was not the man he was anymore. Jimmy seriously brought out the worst in him.
As Sandy drove home, his mind was occupied with thoughts of Berkeley and how that offer seemed to come at a perfect time. He knew he and Jimmy could never live in Newport together. It all came back to his trust issues. He knew deep down that he couldn't trust Kirsten when Jimmy would be in close proximity.
She told him a million times over the past year that she would never hurt him again, but those words were spoken while Jimmy was miles away. In his opinion, it was easy not to hurt him when the temptation was nowhere in sight. Jimmy moving back here helped him determine what his future held. It wasn't going to be easy to say goodbye to Kirsten, but with the boys accepting his decision, it made it easier to make that phone call.
When he arrived back to his apartment, he still felt the need to calm down and let some of his anger go. He headed down to the beach knowing that was the place that he did his best thinking.
"What are you doing down here?" She asked, finally finding him after he wandered off from their apartment. She knelt down next to him, meeting him at eye level.
He slowly put his arm over her shoulder, pulling her close. "Just trying to figure some things out." He spread his legs to welcome her to sit between them, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "I do my best thinking here."
"What's on your mind?" She asked, staring at the white foam that resulted from waves crashing. Suddenly she pulled out of his embrace, twisting her body half way around so she could search his eyes. "You're not having second thoughts, are you?" She was afraid of his answer.
"Never." He said with a smile, leaning in for a kiss just to reassure her. He thought for a moment more before he spoke. "Do you think I'm an independent person?"
She settled back into his arms. "Of course I do. You left home at sixteen and here you are in law school at Berkeley. I would certainly call that independent. Why?"
"So you can understand that it kills me to ask people for help?"
She laughed lightly. "That I'll never understand. I would like to think that you need me in some way and are a little bit dependent." She phrased it like a question.
"Kirsten, I need you like I need air." He said nestling his face into her neck, loving her scent.
"Then what's all this about?"
He took a deep breath, wondering how she was going to react. "I found a great house today. Everything about it was perfect, but it is out of our price range. I keep telling myself that if I work harder and save some more, we can have enough for a down payment and afford the mortgage."
"But..." She said knowing there was more to it.
"But, by the time that happens the house is going to be gone."
"Well, there will be other houses then. This one was just not ours." She said, not expecting anything more from this conversation.
"I think I'm going to ask your father for a loan." He blurted out.
She spun around quickly to get a good look at his face. She could always read him and she wondered at that moment if he was making a bad joke. "What?"
"I see us there. I see our children running around in the backyard and you painting in the window. As much as it is going to kill me to go to your father, I honestly think he will not have a problem with it. I mean, we're getting married and ultimately this will benefit you too. I will kill myself to pay him back, so I never owe him anything. I will make that clear, but I want this house to be ours. We can start a family there and build our lives there. I see our entire future in it."
She loved this man so much. "Well then, I can't wait to see it." She spun around in his arms and kissed him passionately. She pushed him back on the sand and lay on top of him. "I love you."
"I love you too, Kirsten."
As he walked along this familiar stretch of beach, he pulled out his cell phone and called Paul Glass. In one phone call, his life was forever going to be changed. He had accepted the job and would be moving back to Berkeley in just a few months.
He thought about Kirsten and knew he had to tell her as soon as he could. He knew it was going to break her heart, but he hoped that fate would be in his corner and one day, whether it is a year from now or a decade from now, they would eventually find their way back to each other.
He honestly didn't know if he could live without her, but he knew he couldn't live with her and Jimmy in Newport. He had to do what was right for himself for once.
The following evening Sandy drove to their house to talk to Kirsten. He was mentally preparing himself for the draining conversation that was ahead of him. He knew this was going to be tough, but he truly hoped she would understand. A part of him even wished she would want to come with him. He doubted it.
He had an answer for every question she might ask. He played over this upcoming conversation in his head a million times. As he pulled into their hilly driveway, all his thoughts vanished as he spotted Jimmy's car parked opposite the front door.
A million scenarios flashed in his mind. His lips kissing her, his hands touching her, his groin pushed up against her.
What was he doing there?
He could hear her moan his name with a slurred pleasure.
Did she invite him?
He put his car in park, debating whether to go in his own house. What was he going to find out behind those closed doors? He always thought of fate as a magical thing, but now the fate of their entire future would be determined by Kirsten's behavior behind this door.
He knew if he turned away he would regret it. He opened the car door and stepped out. He knew that not knowing would always be worse. He climbed up the three steps. He held his breath, trying to minimize the sound outside to hear something inside.
He knew the door would be unlocked and slowly used the handle to push it open. He barely remembered taking those few steps inside, but he was conscious enough not to let the door slam. Then he heard their voices and rather than moans of pleasure, they were in the kitchen having a conversation.
Sandy released a breath he didn't even realize he was holding. At this point, he was so glad they weren't having a mid-day screw.
"Can you believe what he did?" He heard Jimmy say. He forgot that Kirsten had no idea what happened and was now only hearing Jimmy's side of the story. "Kirsten?"
"There has to be more than what you are telling me. I know Sandy. He wouldn't just attack you for no reason." Kirsten defended.
Sandy was glued to his spot.
"What part of this don't you get? He's the one that doesn't get it! He doesn't get us." Jimmy said moving closer to her.
Sandy didn't make a move. He wanted to rush into that kitchen and somehow explain his actions to Kirsten, but he didn't. He needed to hear how this was going to play out.
"Us?" She asked.
"Yeah." He said softly. He moved even closer and Kirsten took a step further back, her back almost hitting the counter. "There could be an us, you know?" He was putting the obvious out there.
"What?" She asked softly, not wanting to hurt his feeling if he was serious. "Is that what you think?"
Sandy could tell that she was seriously questioning him. He could tell by the inflection in her voice. He didn't need to see her facial expression. He simply was able to tell what she was thinking, knowing she used that tine with him a million times before.
Jimmy figured he would put it all on the table right now. She and Sandy are at their worst. Now it was his time. "How can you deny it any longer, Kirsten?" He asked, again moving closer to her.
He placed his hands on her hips and suddenly she felt completely uncomfortable. "Jimmy..."
Sandy was intently listening, knowing this was his moment of truth. Then he heard everything he was ultimately hoping for. She said it low and with a touch of compassion and sorrow for Jimmy. "I love Sandy. I'm so sorry Jimmy. I didn't know this is where you thought all of our past was headed."
Sandy was annoyed that she actually felt bad for him, but a great part of him was relieved that she felt the way she did.
"So all that we've been through meant nothing?" He asked.
When she didn't answer immediately, Sandy knew she was struggling with what to say. This annoyed the shit out of him.
"I guess it just meant more to you." She said, looking down, clearly embarrassed of her actions once again.
"Kirsten, think about what you are telling me here." He pleaded. "Your marriage could never have been very strong if you kept sleeping with me. I must have meant something to you if you kept coming back for more."
"It wasn't like that Jimmy." She said, physically pushing him back, suddenly feeling like he was invading her personal space.
"Then what was it like?" He asked raising his voice, brushing his hand through his hair.
Sandy wanted to run in there and level Jimmy again for raising his voice to his wife, but knew to stay put. He needed to hear this.
"I don't know!" She yelled back. "But I never loved you Jimmy. I'm sorry if you thought there was more to it than there really was. Every single time we were together was a mistake in my eyes. I loved Sandy from the moment we met and that is something that cannot be replaced. All those times that I wanted to tell him, you were the one that convinced me not too. If I just listened to my head and my heart, we would not be standing here right now. I'm sorry I let you talk me into multiple situations, but I'm truly sorry that I led you to believe in something that never existed in the first place."
Sandy knew this conversation was coming to an end. He needed to get out of there before he got caught eavesdropping.
As he let himself out quietly, he thought about what was next. Although Kirsten proved herself in this situation, he wished she didn't have so much remorse in her voice. He couldn't help the fact that it bothered him. Her words were exactly what he wanted to hear, but something didn't sit right with him.
He still had to inform her of his plans. They seemed so unimportant right now, but it was something that had to be done.
The next morning he called her office figuring the sooner he told her, the sooner this horrible feeling in his stomach would go away. He also wanted to see how she was going to handle the visit from Jimmy. Was she going to tell him what went on? After her claim of honesty, he would like to think so.
"Kirsten Cohen?" She answered once her secretary put him through.
He loved that she still used his surname. "Hey. It's me."
"Hi." Her voice suddenly perked up. "Where have you been lately?" She couldn't help, but ask.
"I've been busy, but I was wondering if we could meet today. There is something I want to talk to you about."
Instead of answering him, she just put her feelings out there. "I miss you so much Sandy."
He smiled, hating that statement. It was only going to make telling her about his move harder. "So, are you free for lunch?"
"Lunch in a restaurant or lunch at our house?" She asked, knowing which each one meant. "Just so you know, I'm free for either." She said seductively.
"In a restaurant." He replied, but couldn't help but followed up that comment. "If I didn't have important words to share, then I would say out the house. Definitely."
She smiled; thanking God he threw that comment in. Then she thought about the weight of his words. "Is everything okay?" She asked, suddenly worried.
"Yeah. How's one at the Yacht Club?"
Kirsten left her office early, rushing to get there. She didn't know if it was the anticipation of seeing him or what he wanted to talk about, but a part of her was extremely nervous. She sat at the table and waited for him to arrive, wishing she waited at her office than alone in a restaurant.
She saw him enter and immediately look for her. When their eyes met, they both shared smiles as he made his way over to her.
"You look good." She said getting up to kiss him. When he turned his cheek to dodge her lips, she put her head down as she sat.
"So do you. You always look good, but you should know that by now." He tried to joke.
"Thank you." She still turned a tinge of pink when he complimented her. "So what's the big news?" She couldn't help but ask, curiosity getting the best of her.
Sandy thought about what to say a million times, but other things invaded his mind. "Did you know Jimmy was moving back to Newport?" It wasn't supposed to come out that fast, but he needed to know that he could trust her. He needed to know that she was going to tell him the truth no matter what.
Kirsten didn't know where that came from, but knew that wasn't the reason Sandy asked her here. Jimmy mentioned it to her, but didn't want Sandy to get upset that they once again spoke. "Really?" She played dumb.
"You didn't know?" He fired back. He had to give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he didn't mention it to her since their conversation headed into a direction Jimmy wasn't expecting.
"No." She said hating that she was lying to him, but knowing he would never understand.
"So you haven't spoken to him?" Sandy asked, trying to trap her.
She didn't know what to do. She was so scared that she was going to say the wrong thing. Tears started to form in her eyes as her emotions took control. "I don't know what you want me to say Sandy."
He couldn't believe that she was trying to hide his visit from him. He couldn't understand why she still felt the need to lie when it came to Jimmy. "Not saying anything speaks volumes Kirsten."
Tears spilled down her face, her eyelids not strong enough to hold them back. "I always feel like I am going to hurt you every time we speak about him."
"Is there anything else you want to say?" He said giving her one more chance to tell him of Jimmy's visit and exactly what went on.
Kirsten searched her brain, wondering what he wanted to know. "I don't know what you're asking me Sandy."
"I can't believe you are doing it again. How am I ever going to trust you if you cant tell me the simplest of things?"
"What are you talking about?"
Sandy didn't feel the need to explain. Suddenly he just felt the urge to tell her what he came to tell her. "I'm moving to Berkeley. I accepted the professor position and start in the fall." The words just stumbled out and he immediately saw the hurt in her puffy eyes.
"What?"
He continued with the logistics. "I spoke to the boys and they seemed okay with my decision. They will be off at college anyway; it really won't affect them too much. I will be here for graduation and for most of the summer so we will have that time as well."
"Why?"
"It's a good opportunity, Kirsten. I need some sort of a change and it came at the right time."
She choked out her next words. "Why are you doing this?"
"Jimmy is staying and I cannot share a town with him. You of all people should understand that."
When she didn't say anything, he continued with the whole truth. "I was at the house yesterday Kirsten."
The weight of his words sunk in, fully understanding that she blew it. She should have told him everything. "I was afraid to tell you. I didn't want to jump to conclusions. Nothing happened Sandy. I swear it."
"I overheard most of the conversation. I know nothing happened." Sandy said trying to get past this. "Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"I already said that I was scared." She said raising her voice a bit. "Is that so hard for you to get?"
"It just makes it harder for me to trust you when you hide things from me."
"I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say.
"I'm sorry too." He didn't know if he was apologizing for leaving or for a million other things, but he told her what he felt in his heart. "All this talk about me trusting you and it was really you who didn't trust me."
"What do you mean?" She asked, knowing that couldn't be further from the truth.
"If you trusted me, you would have told me that Jimmy came by to see you. You would have told me that he wanted something more than what you wanted. You should have just trusted that I would have handled it properly."
"So that's it?" She asked, still putting up a fight. "You are just going to leave." She needed to say something to make him say. "Sandy I love you so much."
He smiled at her words, knowing they were true. "Oh Kirsten, I love you too. That's what makes this so hard."
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