Life at the One – Two
Chapter 24
Don stared out of the kitchen window of his home. He seemed to have spent a lot of time staring out of windows in the last two days. Well after they refused to let him go into search areas any more anyway.
36 hours he thought. There was no way that anyone could have survived for that long having been swept downstream in the freezing Hudson, even if Kate had made it to a bank, she'd have succumbed to the elements quickly. His mind knew this, of course it did. How many times had he said it to men just like him? Tried to prepare them for a body being found? He'd never understood their reluctance to accept the obvious. Even after Jess, even after knowing what it could feel like, he still didn't understand denial. The adamant statements that their loved one couldn't be dead, because they would know.
He did now. He still could feel her, nothing felt different and if she was dead, well then shouldn't it feel different? Shouldn't he know? He thought he should, of course he should, and if he didn't, then she couldn't be dead. But his own flawless logic argued back again and he was back to square one.
He turned away from the window, Danny and Sam were in the lounge with the children. They needed to be told something. They had both asked where Kate was, obviously, but his ever inventive father had legitimately explained her absence away. His parents were on their way back again tonight, and Don was half tempted to wait until they got here and beg his father to do what he knew he should do himself. But how could he? As hard as it was for him, it was going to be so much harder on the kids.
He dreaded telling them, preparing them for the call that could come at any minute. What the hell could he say?
'Good day with Aunt Sam kids? by the way your mom is missing presumed dead'
He had to think of something, the longer he left it, the worse it would be.
Going into the lounge he perched on the edge of the couch, Mollie grinned at him.
"Hey Daddy, I like H'Auntie Sam, she plays good"
"Does she?" Don smiled, it broke his heart that he had to end her childish pleasure in this way. He looked at DJ, sitting reading a magazine with Danny, basketball, DJ tried his best to look interested but he knew something wasn't right, nothing had been right for the past two days.
"Hey kids" Don smiled at them, willing himself not to break down "I ah, I gotta tell you something"
He saw the interest in Mollie, and the fear in DJ. All four people in the room looked at him expectantly.
"Mommy's er, she's had an accident" he said.
"Is she dead?" DJ's face had gone ashen white and he trembled, Danny squeezed his hand.
"I don't know" Don said truthfully "No one can find her"
"You find her daddy!" Mollie picked up on the tension "You find my mommy!"
"I wish I could baby" he said, looking away.
Danny blinked several times, and Sam wiped discreetly at her eyes. Don stared at the floor.
Mollie went over to him, almost comically she turned her head so that she could look at him with his own head hung.
"Daddy?" she asked "Will mommy come home then?"
He put his hand on her shoulder "I don't think so" he whispered, looking up sharply as DJ sobbed, just once.
"Oh son" he said as DJ jumped up and ran from the room, they all heard the bedroom door slam behind him.
"H'Aunty Sam?" Mollie didn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation, she seemed more curious than anything else.
"Yes?" Sam smiled at the little girl.
"What's dead mean?"
Danny opened his mouth and closed it again, Sam stared at her and Don continued to stare out of the door through which DJ had left.
"Do you want me to...?" Danny gestured towards the door.
"No" Don stood decisively "Thank you, I will, could you look after Mollie? And Sam?"
"Of course" Danny nodded as Don left the room, feet dragging.
…...
Don lay on the bed staring at the digital clock next to DJ's bed. They'd talked for a long time. DJ demanding to know exactly what had happened. The boy had been angry and Don understood, he'd let him rage.
Then they'd sat on the bed, sitting turning to lying down and DJ eventually cried. He was so much like him, Don reflected, in some ways, yet in others, like his reaction now, he was more like Kate. Demanding and angry to keep other, scarier emotions at bay.
Don had thought that when the children cried he would break down, but he didn't, he'd held DJ until the sobs quietened and he fell asleep. Sam had come in to say Mollie was OK, she didn't seem to realise what was happening because she was so young, and she'd fallen asleep. Their father had carried her to bed, and Sam would sleep in her room.
Don had told her to tell his parents to take his and Kate's bed, he would stay where he was. Every time he tried to move DJ whimpered and clung to him, he couldn't leave him now. And if he left his son's pain in here, he'd have to face his own, which he couldn't do.
That had been hours ago, it would be light again soon and day three would start, day three with no sleep, and no Kate.
Practical matters kept his mind whirling. How could he support them? How could he look after his children and work? What could he do? Problems and solutions kept his mind ticking and the reality of the feelings underneath at bay, and right now he was happy to let that happen.
The dog snored and rolled onto his side and Don wondered if anyone had remembered to feed him. Sam had said Danny had walked him before he left, leaving instructions to call if they needed anything, any time.
Don closed his eyes, he knew he wouldn't sleep but they stung and burned, and he needed some respite from staring at the wall. DJ mumbled something in his sleep, something Don didn't catch and he soothed the child automatically. One thought kept going through his mind.
What the hell do I do now?