There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills. – Siddharta Gautama

Taking a seat on the leather desk chair, I took in the white and light blue walls, the dark blue carpet and glass desk indifferently. Grandpa never decorated his offices much. He reserved self expression at home where all the classical paintings and artwork were kept.

There weren't any medical degrees to be found hanging on the walls, they were at home too but that was mostly due to the dates being a little to suspicious with Grandpa looking far too young to be alive at those times.

But on his desk you could see a few framed pictures of our family. One was of him and Grandma Esme, arms around each other, smiling with the Arc de Triomphe behind them. Another was of Grandpa and on my fourth birthday, we were laughing at something I couldn't quite remember what. And another was of everyone in my first Christmas, we were all sitting in the living room floors, the Christmas tree in the background as I shamelessly tore through presents getting gift wrapper and tape everywhere, meanwhile Uncle Emmett jumped into the mess as everyone laughed at his antics.

I remember this Christmas quite clearly. I got a golden locket from Mom engraved in French with the words 'more than my own life', inside were photos of her, Dad and myself.

I got an mp3 player from Dad which no longer works since an incident with Uncle Emmett and the lawnmower. Emmett Cullen and power tools were two things that should never be mixed.

Jacob gave me a bracelet with a wolf charm carved intricately in wood. It was what they considered in his tribe as a 'promise ring'. It was currently locked away in my desk at my dorm. But at the time, I thought it was such a wonderful gift, not bothered by how my whole life was already being planned. I knew my place in this world. It was with Jacob and my family, forever.

But these past few months with Alec had blurred that perfect plan of my future, it wasn't so clean cut and amazing as I thought it would be because it made me see just all the flaws with my family and Jacob.

As much as they all loved me, I would always be this little child that needed to be protected all the time. They smothered me and kept trying to mold me into this idea of what I should be. They wanted the type of perfection I could never live up to because I wasn't like them. I wasn't really a vampire, it was only part of me and they would never really be able to understand what I was and how I felt sometimes.

There were times when we were at dinner sometimes laughing and I felt just for a split second that I didn't belong there. I'd stare at their golden eyes and marble skin, just that unattainable perfection to mortals and realize that I would never be them, could never be them.

I was different, it was a fact, I wasn't trying to be melodramatic but I was in some essence, a different species than them. I wasn't human, I wasn't vampire, I was…something else.

What it was I didn't know or even understand. And I'd usually just try not to think about it, just be happy with my family because they loved me so dearly even as they ignored what I could see so glaringly.

They were a part of me as I was a part of them. They were my kin and yet…

Glancing at the platinum charm bracelet on my wrist, Alec's Christmas gift to me, I began to think.

What did Alec play a role in all of this? Why was it that I fell in love with him? Was I just seeing him as my escape from this life I found myself not belonging in?

If so, then why him? He wasn't even like me. He was a vampire too. He was no different than my family with their perfection.

How would he even be able to understand me? Did I mistake those sweet words and passionate kisses for something deeper? Was I deluding myself into thinking he'd be able to see what I saw so clearly?

My head started to ache with all the questions, the doubt felt like a lead weight in my stomach, weighing me down into a state of frustration and sadness.

But also guilt, staring into the smiling pictures of my family, I kept wondering what I was willing to trade them for. Was I going to do the wrong thing? Was I going to choose Alec over them because of some misguided feeling?

Should I just make the right choice and be with Jacob? Even if they would never understand me at least they loved me. Something I was unsure with Alec, he never did tell me how he really felt about me.

I could just be his temporary plaything. I've heard stories of his cruelties from Uncle Eleazar who nursed a deep hatred for him, witnessing the cruelties and obscene things Alec has done over the centuries.

"Cold, detached and cruel- an absolute monster" were his words.

Were they true? Was I blinding myself to Alec's true nature? Had what I thought was love prevented me from seeing the truth?

"Renesmee."

I almost screamed in surprise and found Grandpa Carlisle entering his office, adorn in light green scrubs. His warm smile and general kind countenance calmed me somewhat but I still must've looked distraught as he asked. "Is everything okay?"

I could feel the lead sink down from my stomach to my feet. Guilt and dread gnawed at me.

It was time to come clean.

Man, it's been so long hasn't it?

But yeah, I've been really busy lately. I'm class president this year and dealing with some useless drama with my classmates, I'm editor in chief of the school newspaper (booyah!) and I'm so uninspired it's painful.

So yep, I'm back and hopefully I can keep updating. I just sacrified sleep for this chapter. I'll probably be moody and shout at some people tomorrow.

This chapter was cut into two because it was just so long. Don't you all want to shake some sense into Pet? But yeah, she's a teenage girl, she's got some issues here and there. I also just hate when the girl just falls in love and never takes time to think about things, you know? Most Young Adult book girls these days just tick me off.