A/N: Ever so slowly, Jane's life is beginning to change. Thanks for sticking with her (and me) on this journey. :)
I said goodbye to Barbara the following morning at breakfast. She still seemed slightly out of it, as if they'd given her something for her anxiety.
"I just want to thank you for welcoming me, my first time here in the dining room." I spoke to her in hushed tones, because the gravity of the situation clearly called for that.
"Oh, you're welcome Jane. Thanks for yesterday. It was... terrifying. But you seemed to know exactly what to do, and that helped me a lot."
"I'm so sorry, Barbara. I could tell you that with time, it gets easier to deal with what you saw, but right now, while it's so raw in your mind, that's not what you want to hear."
Barbara nodded, clearly getting ready to cry.
"Are you going to continue with Dr. Gilfried?" I asked.
"Yes. And not just for yesterday. I still have issues with the loss of my hand, too."
"It's good that you're going to stick with her. Don't tell her I said this, but she's a good person."
Barbara offered me a weak smile. "I just can't wait to get home, Jane. I wound up in this place from one of my worst nightmares coming true, and now I'm leaving here with a fresh nightmare tattooed onto my brain."
"It's going to be okay, Barbara. Tonight you're going to get home and your kids and husband are going to be waiting for you. Tonight you're going to be so happy to be home that you won't have time to think of what happened. Tonight is going to be all about taking the first steps into your new life."
Barbara nodded. "Wilma never got that chance."
"Wilma denied herself that chance, Barbara. That's not your fault. And it's not something for you to feel guilty about, either."
"Dr. Gilfried said that too."
"See? Great minds think alike," I said, giving her an encouraging smile. "Now eat something. Your kids are going to be so happy to see you that you're going to need all of your strength." I pushed her plate toward her gently.
Barbara nodded and took a bite of her eggs. We finished up breakfast in silence. Right before it was time for me to head down to physical therapy, I gave Barbara a hug. I always said I wasn't a hugger, but the truth was, deep down, I always had been. In retrospect, I realized I just never made it a habit of hugging Maura's dates, and now I understand why.
"I'm not good at talking about feelings and stuff, but if you need someone to talk to, you're welcome to get in touch. I'll be here for a while yet."
"Thanks. And I'm going to keep an eye out on the news. A detective like you doesn't stay out of the news for very long," Barbara said almost cheerfully.
"Well, let's hope I stay out of the news. I only seem to make the news when I get hurt or something awful happens."
"Okay, that's true. But I do hope you will return to a long and happy career, Jane." Barbara squeezed my forearm with her good hand.
"Thanks, Barbara. Take good care of yourself."
I wheeled myself down to physical therapy, though I still had a nurse next to me. I was getting tired of the chaperones.
I had regular therapy that morning, and if I do say so myself, I rocked it on the parallel bars. I was also able to keep up the pace on the treadmill, even if it was only set to one mile per hour with no incline. I think I even impressed Derrick, though he'd never admit to that. He just seemed less grumpy at the end of our session, but to me that meant he was satisfied with the effort I put in. I was thrilled to be able to stand upright for that long and actually walk, even if it was slow and cumbersome and I still had a lurch in my step.
"I'm going to talk to Dr. Grossberg today, and see if we can't get you training with a walker," Derrick told me near the end of our session.
"A walker? I don't want to toddle around with some old person gadget!" I said, probably more loudly than I should, based on the dirty look the old woman getting her therapy across the room gave me.
"Would you rather sit around in this chair forever?" Derrick asked, flabbergasted at my reaction.
"No. But does it have to be a walker? I mean, it's..."
"It's what, Detective?" Derrick asked.
I scowled at him. "It's not badass."
"I'll see if I can find you a badass walker then," he laughed.
I wheeled myself back to my room, telling the nurse that came to pick me up I knew the way and could manage myself. She shrugged, and I heard her follow me back to the room a few steps behind me.
As always, Sara was waiting for me.
"Hey," I said as I wheeled myself in. "How are you today? Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. I was a little shaken up yesterday, but I'm fine today." Sara definitely looked calmer, and her response to me was far more confident than it had been last night when I had asked her the same question.
"It's not easy, seeing that. I'm glad you decided to go home and be with your family. It's probably the best thing you can do for yourself after experiencing something like that," I reassured her.
"Are you okay?" Sara asked me.
"It sounds insensitive, and I don't mean it that way, but I really only saw Wilma from the doorway, and it wasn't really unlike any crime scene I'd been to before, so I'm largely unaffected by it. I do feel bad for Barbara, and for those of you that tried to help Wilma."
"How long did it take you to become numb to it?" Sara asked.
"I never really became numb to it. I'm not heartless, even if I seem like it sometimes." I smiled, letting Sara know I was partly joking. "But after so many years of scenes like that, you sort of just learn to cope with it. You still react to it, and you still feel for the victims, but you learn not to let it impact you quite as much as it should."
Sara considered my words for a moment. "It's like in nursing, when they tell you not to get attached to your patients. You still feel for them and try to sympathize, but you distance yourself from it."
"Exactly."
"How about a bath, Jane?" Sara asked, and just like that, the conversation was over.
Sara got the tub set up for me, but by this point I was pretty much ready to do everything on my own, and she let me. When I came back out dressed and ready for lunch a little while later, she smiled at me.
"You know, you're not going to need me much longer." Sara said this proudly, and not sadly.
"As happy as it makes me to regain my independence, I'm sure going to miss you," I said.
"You're a fighter, Jane. Dr. Isles was right. Other patients would still be bed bound at this point. But not you. Don't ever let that go."
I smiled at her and wheeled myself down to lunch. It was eerily quiet in the dining room. I situated myself next to Amanda, who gave me a weak smile.
"Hey," I said quietly. "Are you okay?"
She shrugged, and pushed the food around on her plate.
"I'm sorry about Wilma. Were you friendly with her?"
Amanda used two fingers to pinch together. A little bit, I assumed she meant.
"Then I'm sorry for your loss," I said gently.
She shrugged again, and put some food in her mouth. I looked around at the few residents present for lunch. Everyone seemed equally shell shocked. My outwardly calm demeanor made me feel like more of an outsider than I already was. For the first time since I arrived at the rehab, I really wished I could just get up and go home.
Of course, you need a home to be able to do that, and even though Maura had offered me hers, and even though I wanted more than anything to go be with her, I wondered if we had made that decision a little too fast.
I arrived at Dr. Gilfried's office for my afternoon appointment feeling a little lost. I knew this was something I should probably just talk to her about; that this was specifically the reason why I was being made to see her, but I was so unsure of what, exactly I was feeling that I didn't know how I was going to approach her with this stuff.
I knocked on the door and entered when she invited me in.
"Hi Jane," she said. She looked tired.
"Hi Doc. How are you?"
"Tired," she answered honestly. "It's been a long two days."
"I kind of understand where you're coming from. This must be hard on you. On all of the staff here, really."
"It is," Dr. Gilfried agreed. "But how is it affecting you?"
"I'm okay. I keep telling people this, and I don't want to sound insensitive, but Wilma's death really isn't having an effect on me. It's not that I don't feel bad that she died, but between the fact that I'd never met her and the fact that my experience as a homicide detective has shown me much worse, I'm really not as shocked as everyone else seems to be."
I looked up at Dr. Gilfried and tried to show her that I wasn't cold or heartless. I was just removed from the situation.
"That being said though, I realize that Wilma's suicide is having a huge impact on everyone here. And I do feel bad that she died."
"I think you're processing this like a professional, Jane. I think you would have been more distraught about this if you'd actually known Wilma. So the defense mechanisms you used as a detective have kicked in, and you seem to be handling it well."
Dr. Gilfried's response was reassuring.
"I think I feel more guilty about being calm about it than anything else. I feel bad that everyone at breakfast and lunch was so distraught. I felt like an outsider at lunch today. Like everyone was looking at me and asking why I wasn't upset. I feel like I came off as insensitive."
Dr. Gilfried tilted her head as she pondered my reply before coming up with her own. "I think everyone is so wrapped up in their own thoughts and feelings right now, that they haven't even realized that you're not as upset as they are."
"Maybe," I replied, not really convinced.
"And does it matter, really, what other people think of you?"
"No. I guess not."
"Everyone here is going to process Wilma's death differently. Your training and your experience has you better prepared for this than everyone else, including some of the staff here. You sympathize with Wilma and the people who knew her, and that's all that matters."
Dr. Gilfried was gentle with what she was saying, which made it easier for me to take her words to heart.
"Okay." I said.
"Tell me how it felt to see your old partners yesterday," Dr. Gilfried said to change the subject.
"It was... so many things. Wonderful. Terrifying. Exciting."
"Why terrifying?" Dr. Gilfried looked genuinely puzzled.
"Because they saw me weak and broken and vulnerable. And if I ever get the chance to go work with them again, they're going to remember me this way, and they may not trust me enough to protect them when the time comes," I said sadly.
"Jane, you've been injured before, haven't you?"
"Yes."
"Did they stop trusting you after those injuries?"
"No."
"So what makes you think they wouldn't trust you now?"
I felt my defenses go up, but realized that Dr. Gilfried wasn't pressing all that hard. It wasn't her I had to worry about. It was myself and my reaction to her questions.
"Because I left. I picked up and walked out on them, and didn't tell them why. I didn't trust them to tell them how much I was hurting. I just picked up and took off. And then I got hurt, and now I feel like they look at me like someone totally different. They know I'm not the same Jane I was before this accident."
"Why aren't you the same Jane?" Dr. Gilfried's tone was clinical but not judgmental. I had to keep reminding myself that we were simply having a conversation, and not to try and decipher her every question.
"Because I can't even walk, let alone chase a suspect. I can't protect them if they need it. And after the way I left them, why would they want to protect me?"
"I think you're misjudging them. I saw you interact with them yesterday. I also understand that they showed up here before they were even called, because they heard it was you on the radio calling the incident in. Doesn't that show that they care for you and want to protect you?"
"But-"
"Jane, I don't think it's your old partners that are mistrustful. I think it's you. I think you were too scared to tell them about your feelings for Maura, so you ran away. I don't think it has anything to do with them. Why wouldn't you trust them with your feelings the same way you always trusted them with your life?"
I hated it when she made so much sense, but she was correct in her assessment. She wasn't even snide about it, which made me both hateful over how insightful she was and incredibly thankful that she was kind in the way she delivered her insight.
"I don't know." I was being honest. "I've never done feelings well."
"Are they not trustworthy?"
"Of course they are. They're some of the most trustworthy people on this earth," I said forcefully.
"Are you afraid they'll judge you?"
"No. I mean, we all tease each other, but we've always done that in good fun. As far as I know, nobody's ever been genuinely hurt by it."
"So what is it, then?" Dr. Gilfried pressed me a little harder for an answer, but I really didn't have one.
"I don't know."
"Maybe the reason you don't know, is because there is no valid reason for you to not trust them with your feelings?"
I sighed. "Maybe."
"Don't you think you owe it to them to talk to them? Especially if you plan to go work with them again?"
"I don't know if I'm going to work with them again." I felt myself closing up. I didn't want to talk to anyone about my feelings, but talking to Frost and Korsak about my trust issues seemed truly awful. I tried to think of something to change the subject but failed miserably.
"Jane." Dr. Gilfried scoffed. "Really?"
"That's my line!" I deflected.
"Jane, did you do your assignment with the three hopes for the future?"
"Yes." I handed her my notebook, hopeful that we were dropping the subject for now.
"Before I even look at this, tell me what those hopes were."
"Make things right with Maura, get better, and go back to work."
"Haven't you already made things right with Maura?" Dr. Gilfried looked at me like I'd cheated on my assignment, but I really hadn't.
"Sort of. I mean, we finally told each other we had feelings for each other, and Maura definitely wants to try being a couple, but I'm terrified that if I can't go back to being the detective I was, that she's going to get bored with me. She wants me to go live with her when I get out of here, and I'm afraid of that. I'm admitting it. I am terrified of going to live with her. I want to go live with her, but she and I haven't been especially close since she met William, and that was two years ago. Even without these injuries, a lot changes in two years."
"You could always go live with her and move out if things don't work out," Dr. Gilfried pointed out.
"I don't even want to think about that." I shuddered at the thought.
"Just the fact that you say that makes me think that you're going to work hard enough to make sure that things do work out. Isn't this exactly what you've wanted, Jane?"
"Yes. But aren't we moving rather quickly?" I hated how unsure of myself I sounded.
"Have you asked Maura that?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Perhaps you should. Perhaps you should talk about these fears with her. After all, if you're going to pursue a relationship with her, you should be talking about these things."
"I guess so." I was still unsure. The last thing I wanted to do was to make things between Maura and I strained in any way.
"Jane, what if I had a way for you to test the waters a bit?" Dr. Gilfried asked me brightly.
"What do you mean?" Instantly I was wary of her.
"Well, if I can get you medical clearance, I could get you what we call a weekend pass. And you could go home and spend the weekend with Maura. It's just a weekend, but it will give you a taste of what it will be like to go home to her."
"You can do that?" I asked, incredulous.
"Yes. And I think you've reached a point emotionally where this would be a good experience for you. I also think that, based on your progress notes, you're independent enough to spend a weekend outside of the rehab. You just can't overdo it."
"Really?" The idea excited me. Hadn't I just wished to be able to go home at lunch?
"Yes. And your experience over the weekend would allow us to gauge just how ready you are for outpatient therapy."
"That sounds... wonderful." I was so excited I almost jumped out of my wheelchair and danced, until I realized that not only could I not jump up and dance, I also didn't normally like to dance. That's just how excited I was about the prospect though.
"Well, I still have to clear it with Dr. Grossberg. But your performance yesterday getting everyone settled after Wilma's passing probably bought you some brownie points with Dr. Grossberg anyway."
"But not with you, huh?" I smirked at her.
"No, with me too. But you know I can't tell you that," she said with a genuine smile.
"You could, it would boost my ego," I pressed.
Dr. Gilfried laughed. "You took care of Barbara, and even looked out for Dr. Grossberg. You handled the situation like the homicide detective you still are, Jane. And then you interacted with your former coworkers, even had dinner with them, and you are emotionally stable today. You figure out how many brownie points that's worth."
"It was a good day, yesterday," I said. "For me, I mean."
Dr. Gilfried looked at her watch. "Hang tight. Let's see if we can't get Dr. Grossberg to stop in for a moment."
She picked up her office phone and dialed an extension. Amazingly, Dr. Grossberg didn't have a patient and was willing to come down to see us after she listened to what Dr. Gilfried had to say. She arrived a few minutes later. She too looked exhausted.
"Hi Jane," she said as she walked in.
"Hi Dr. Grossberg. How are you?"
"Okay," she answered, noncommittally. She definitely didn't look okay. She looked like she'd been grilled by a panel of very angry professionals regarding yesterday's events.
"I hear we may have a weekend pass up for grabs for you?" she continued, interrupting my thoughts.
"Yes, please." I was so eager I was almost ashamed of myself.
"Well, I have your chart here, and Derrick is happy with the progress you're making. Still, it's a bit early to try going home."
"But it's only Tuesday, and I have the whole week of therapy before the weekend," I added, hopefully.
"True. Derrick indicates he wants to start you on a walker in the morning, but you're hesitant, because, I quote 'It's not badass enough'. How do you expect me to send you home if you can't maneuver around your home?"
"I never said no. I just said exactly what he said in his notes. It's not badass. I've been doing really well in physical therapy. I did well in aqua therapy yesterday, and today I rocked the parallel bars. I can get up out of my wheelchair on my own, and I'm able to take care of washing myself and using the toilet on my own too. I can even get into and out of bed on my own."
Dr. Grossberg looked at me thoughtfully, then looked back at the chart in her hands. She leafed through a few pages.
"How's your upper body strength, Jane?" she asked me cryptically.
"Better than ever," I answered, truthfully.
"Hang on a second." Dr. Grossberg got up and walked out, and when she returned a few minutes later, she had a pair of metal crutches in her hands.
"I'm afraid these aren't badass, Detective, but I think they're a step up from a walker. Can you stand up, please?"
I felt Dr. Grossberg's and Dr. Gilfried's eyes on me as I got myself up and out of the wheelchair. I cringed at how unsteady I felt, but no one seemed to be in any kind of a hurry to make me sit back down.
Dr. Grossberg adjusted the height on both crutches, and helped me put my arms into the cuffs at the top.
"I'd rather you build your pelvic wall back up, and since a walker won't give you the same exercise as these crutches would, maybe they're the better idea anyway. Could you try to walk over to Dr. Gilfried's desk for me, please?"
I straightened my back and walked the fifteen feet to Dr. Gilfried's desk, leaning very heavily on the crutches. Dr. Grossberg walked right beside me the entire time. The lurch in my gait was terribly noticeable, but didn't make me fall over. It took me forever to make it over to the desk, but I did it. By the time I got there, I was out of breath and relying completely on the crutches, but I did it.
"Mhm," Dr. Grossberg murmured, watching carefully. "Come back, please." She walked beside me once again, and once again I proceeded at a snails pace, but I was doing it.
I walked back to my wheelchair, and stood in front of her. I wasn't even tempted to sit back down, even though I knew I needed to.
She smiled at me. "Here's the deal. You use those crutches as much as you can this week, and I'll let you know on Thursday if you can go home after physical therapy on Friday. If I approve it, you can spend Friday and Saturday night at home, and you'll have to be back here by the end of visiting hours on Sunday."
"That's ten o'clock, right?" I almost couldn't ask because I was grinning so hard.
"Yes," Dr. Grossberg confirmed.
"Sweet!"
"It's not approved yet, Jane. I'm concerned about your stability and want to make sure you can ambulate well enough on those crutches. You'll need to also participate in all of your therapies and continue eating well. I will not reward you for stubbornness. Understood?"
"Yes, Doctor. Thank you." I understood her every word, and I was determined not to let her down.
"Don't thank me yet." She said cautiously. "You're doing well on those crutches right now, but trust me when I tell you that they're going to be exhausting to use, especially the first few days. Just take it slowly and be very careful."
"I will," I said solemnly. "Thank you at least for getting me out of that wheelchair. Can I walk back to my room after my appointment with Dr. Gilfried?"
"As long as you have a nurse with you and you feel up to it, you can walk anywhere you want on the floor. Don't overdo it though. It's tempting to push yourself. Don't hurt yourself and ruin your chances of going home this weekend."
"Okay," I said, grinning.
"Thank you, Dr. Grossberg," Dr. Gilfried said as Dr. Grossberg left.
"So?" Dr. Gilfried addressed me. "Happy?"
"Thrilled," I said, and it was the truth.
""You should call Maura so she can prepare."
"I'm supposed to have dinner with her tonight. I'll tell her when she gets here, if that's okay? This kind of news should be shared in person. She's going to flip out when she sees these crutches!"
"That's fine," Dr. Gilfried nodded and smiled.
Sara stuck her head in and saw me standing with the crutches.
"Hey hey, look at you!" she grinned.
"I might get to go home for the weekend!" I actually squealed. Both Sara and Dr. Gilfried laughed.
"That's great, Jane. Are you ready to go back to your room?"
I looked over to Dr. Gilfried. "Any homework, Doc?"
"Nah, go have fun with your girlfriend." She waved her hand at me and smiled.
"Thanks," I said. I started walking out, slowly, and Sara pushed the wheelchair next to me.
"Girlfriend?" she asked as we walked down the hall.
"Maura," I said, smiling. "Is that-" I was going to ask her if she was okay with that, but then I realized that Sara worked for Maura. It wasn't up to Sara to be okay with that.
"What a lucky catch, Jane," Sara said with a smile. "You'll be happy to know she's waiting for you in your room."
I beamed at her. "She's here already?"
"She got here not long after lunch. She didn't realize you had an appointment with Dr. Gilfried."
"Oh, I didn't mean for her to have to wait." I was disappointed that Maura had been there for so long and I missed that time with her.
"I think she thinks you're worth the wait," Sara said, as we turned into my room. "I'll come by later, give you guys some time to talk, okay?"
"Sure, thanks," I said to Sara. "Hi!" I said to Maura as I slowly made my way into the room.
"Look at you! Look at you!" Maura jumped up from the guest chair and ran over to me, peppering my face with kisses. She was just as excited as I was.
"Maura!" I laughed when she wouldn't stop kissing me all over. "Maura!"
She continued unabated, and my laughter was starting to throw me off a bit. As much as I was enjoying her kisses, it was getting harder and harder to keep my balance.
"Maura please, I can't-"
"Okay. Okay," she said, calming herself down and steering me over to the bed so I could sit. She planted herself right next to me. "But you're not in the wheelchair!"
"Nope. The best part is if I can handle the crutches this week, I can come home for the weekend, on a pass."
"Really?" The hope in her voice was so uplifting. She looked as thrilled as I felt.
"Yes," I grinned at Maura.
"Oh god, I hope you don't already have plans?!" I realized suddenly.
"No, I'm- I was supposed to be on call, but I'll just get Dr. Pike to cover. Really, I can't believe you're coming home!" Maura actually clapped her hands together in anticipation. I couldn't help but soak up the joy she was feeling, even if I had to temper it a bit.
"No, it's possible for me to come home for the weekend. I kinda have to earn it," I said. "And it's just for the weekend," I reminded her.
"What do you have to do?" she still looked completely excited, but she got right down to business.
"Well, use the crutches all week and not overdo it. Participate in all of my therapies. Keep eating."
"Sounds like nothing you can't handle," Maura said confidently.
"It sounds easier than it is," I said, "but I'm going to try."
"I'll tell your mother and we'll have everyone over for Sunday dinner!" Maura gushed.
"No! Don't tell her," I said quickly. "I mean, what if I can't make it? What if something happens and I can't come home for the weekend? She'll be so disappointed."
"She would understand," Maura reassured me. I wasn't so sure about it though. Ma could harp on just about anything, and I didn't want her to be disappointed or aggravated. On the other hand though, it would be fantastic to go home and see everyone.
"We could have everyone over for Sunday dinner and celebrate Frankie's gold badge," I pointed out.
"We could definitely do that," Maura said. "Why don't we invite everyone over, and we'll just tell them that the plans are tentative until... when will you know if you can come home?"
"Thursday afternoon."
"Good. So we'll just let everyone know that we'll give them a definitive answer on Thursday night." Maura shrugged, like it was the simplest solution in the world.
"Okay," I said, grinning.
"Let me make a couple of calls, so we can make sure everything is ready. You'll come home Thursday night?"
"No, Friday after physical therapy. Lunch time, until 10pm on Sunday." I wished I could spend a long weekend with Maura, but I'd have to be happy with what I could get, provided I could actually earn the pass.
"Oh, too bad you couldn't come Thursday instead," Maura seemed genuinely disappointed.
"It's nice that you want me to come home," I said quietly. "I actually am supposed to talk to you about that, about coming home to your house. Permanently, I mean."
"Oh really?" Maura asked, worry written across her face.
"Yeah," I said, solemnly.
Maura frowned, worry wiping away the smile she'd had for me just seconds before.
A/N: Thank you, as always, to CharlietheCAG for betaing this chapter.
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