Chapter 25: Reconnaissance

When Peeta had said that I needed to go back to the forest, I thought he was just stating the obvious because of my poor health.

But now it seems that he's actually serious about making it happen. He's convinced that if I could just get outside for a little while – just to breathe in the clean air and feel the last of the warm autumn sunshine on my skin – I would start to feel better.

It's all because I relapsed into a bad bout of depression after being informed that my request for a recovery mission for Gale had been denied. I'd wandered the halls until I found a utility closet, then curled up next to a dirty mop bucket and cried until I passed out from exhaustion. When the door was finally flung open, flooding the small space with abrasive, fluorescent light, Peeta and Haymitch were standing there. Haymitch simply gave an indiscernible snort and walked away, but Peeta seemed to be deep in thought. He offered me his hand and walked me back to our compartment, where he'd tucked me into bed. And that's where I've been ever since.

I think Peeta figures that I need to get back out into the forest in order to properly say goodbye. I only half agree. Because I do want to go back; I just don't want to say goodbye.

"Can't she just pop her little head up above the surface right here?" Haymitch points out after Peeta mentions his idea over lunch one day. "Twenty minutes in some radioactive outdoor compound won't kill her. She's only used up three or four of her nine lives."

It's the first time I've been out of bed in a while, but I muster up the energy to shoot him a deep glare.

Peeta just casually pushes a chunk of potato around on his plate. It's slathered in a gelatinous, colorless gravy. "No. It wouldn't be the same as actually being out in the forest. We'll need a hovercraft."

Haymitch loosens his belt then rubs the scruff on his chin. He seems annoyed. "I'll see what I can do. Though I'm not sure if I can convince Coin to spend any extra resources on her," he adds gruffly, nodding in my direction.

Alma Coin is the leader of District Thirteen. I've never actually spoken to the woman – I've only recently been declared mentally competent by the medical team, although still severely depressed – but I'm told that she came to see me in the hospital when I was first rescued to see what all the fuss was about. Obviously, she didn't think much of the broken, sick girl that she encountered because I haven't seen her since.

In other words, we already don't like each other.

"But if she wants me to continue making the broadcasts," Peeta interjects, "then she might want to consider doing it for my sake. Since she," a nod at me, "is my fiancé, after all."

Haymitch narrows his eyes, then abruptly leaves the table. He knows very well that our engagement is a joke, even if most everyone else still seems to believe it, but I'm at a loss when it comes to explaining his odd reaction.

It's almost like he and Peeta were speaking in code.

Haymitch, I've learned, was part of a secret alliance of victors and sympathetic, powerful Capitol residents who wanted to overthrow Snow and his government all along. Growing up, we had been taught that District Thirteen had been obliterated by an atomic bomb during the Dark Days, and it was held up as an example of what would happen if the districts dared to question the Capitol's authority. But, as it turns out, a remnant of the people from Thirteen survived the nuclear holocaust and began living underground to avoid the residual radiation levels. And they wanted to see the Capitol fall, too. So Thirteen became the perfect secret location for Rebel headquarters. Now Haymitch is some kind of advisor to Coin, providing eyewitness information for her troops that only victors would have, mostly regarding the inner workings of the Capitol and Snow's policies.

Peeta, however, never knew about Haymitch's secret dealings and felt manipulated into his role in the rebellion, which explains why there's some tension between them. He hadn't even known of the secret Rebel alliance until District Twelve was already up in flames.

Hell, I never knew about the alliance, either. If I had, maybe Gale and I wouldn't have run. Maybe things would've ended up differently. I can understand Peeta's sense of betrayal.

From what I gather, life in Twelve had grown significantly harder in the months after Gale and I had left. The food that was supposed to come on parcel day arrived spoiled and full of maggots; a new head peacekeeper was brought in and public whippings once again became common practice. Things like that contributed to the uprising against the Capitol. And the uprising lead to the bombing of the district.

Peeta has always hated violence, and although he admits that a rebellion was probably the only way to free people from the increasingly oppressive conditions, it's the ultimate outcome – not the fighting – that he focuses on.

"I just keep telling myself," Peeta says passionately, once we're alone, "that once this war is over, everyone in Panem will be a lot better off."

His perspective, unfortunately, is not always in line with what Coin wants him to do, which makes his job here in Thirteen rather difficult. That's because they've harnessed his beautiful, persuasive speaking skills in order to make him the voice of their cause.

They call him The Mockingjay - a sort of slap in the face to the Capitol.

Peeta hates the Capitol and their excess as much as anyone. I know that from the Victory Tour. But he also dislikes having to spew the propaganda the Rebels give him to read out over the airwaves. He thinks that much of it is needless and only provokes more violence, which won't really help to win the war and end the suffering. But at least he can use his role as the Mockingjay to get what he wants.

And today, he wants access to a hovercraft.

"Okay, kid. I got you your pass," Haymitch grunts when Peeta answers our compartment door. He flashes a shiny, plastic card. "You have two hours. The crew is waiting."

Peeta nods in appreciation as Haymitch drops the card into his hand and walks away. Then he casually tells me to get ready as he slips on his standard issue jacket.

Instead, I flop facedown into a pillow and make no move to go anywhere. I'm just not sure if I can pull myself together enough to do this today. Peeta hurls a sweater at me and it lands on the back of my head.

"Get up. You'll feel better once we're out there."

I grudgingly pull myself up and slip the oversized sweater over my head. It's like a tent. I could hide out in it.

"I don't feel well," I moan, slumping back down into a fetal position, pulling the collar up over my head. It's hot under the thick fabric. "I just want to go back to sleep."

"That's exactly why we're going," Peeta says in a low voice. There's an edge to his words, although I can't exactly tell why. Not without being able to see his expression. Is he mad at me? "Come on. Get up," he says impatiently, tugging the sweater down to expose my face.

Peeta is being uncharacteristically pushy and insensitive today. I blink and spit out a mouthful of hair.

"Will you quit telling me what to do?" I snap.

"Katniss," Peeta says, his whole demeanor suddenly changing. "We're going to look for Gale."

For a moment, I'm too stunned to reply. Then I slowly sit up.

"What?"

"You're not okay," Peeta explains, his blue eyes pained. "I can't stand to watch you like this. You're not going to be okay until we find him. So we will. Dead or alive. Haymitch is covering for us but we don't have much time, so, come on. Hurry up."

Haymitch?

"Why would Haymitch cover for us?" I ask. Didn't he deceive Peeta all along?

Peeta grabs my hands and pulls me to my feet.

"It's a victor thing. Coin wouldn't understand. Let's go."

Once we're on the hovercraft, I'm a nervous wreck.

"... And we're going to check the last place any transmission was sent from," Peeta tells the crew, giving them instructions.

"No!" I interrupt.

"No?" Peeta inquires. They all turn to face me.

"He wouldn't be there," I say, without adding if he's alive. Maybe if he's dead he'd be in the last place he radioed from, but not if he's alive. Gale is smart, and he's outwitted the Capitol once before, so I have hope that he's still out there. I'm not going to waste my time looking for a body.

"Where should we go, then?"

The first place I'd look would be the cabin at Blue Lake. The only problem is, I have no idea where it is. I don't know how Gale got us there from District Twelve.

"Katniss?"

I only know of one place in relation to Blue Lake that might have a teeny, tiny chance of actually be found on an old map of Panem, before it was called Panem. If we could locate it, I would know how to get back to the cabin.

"The farmhouse."