ELIXIR OF LIFE #18: Where do infants normally go when they die?
byline: Anubis C. Soundwave
The five-Yusuke, Kuwabara, Kurama, Hiei, and Ken-all convene at Genkai's temple.
"If Koenma would just tell us who the kid is, we could find out where he'd think he'd be safe," says Yusuke.
"I suspect Reikai is keeping secrets from us," says Kurama, "perhaps even from Koenma himself."
"Koenma has to know the name of the baby," counters Yusuke. "Shit, he kept a file on everything I've done since I was a baby!"
"You were likely an exceptionally rotten baby," quips Kuwabara.
Yusuke scowls at Kuwabara.
"Don't the field shinigami have lists of daily soul pickups?" asks Ken. "Why don't we find a penitent shinigami?"
"Hn. That type of shinigami is a human's soul, so he may be sympathetic: is that your reasoning?" asks Hiei.
"Something like that. Worst case scenario: we twist his arm," says Ken.
"I think you have someone in mind," says Kurama cannily.
"Yeah. I need to talk to that bastard for my own reasons," says Ken.
Yusuke sighs. Koenma's a fucking idiot, he says to himself.
"Yusuke," spat Koenma, "you nearly blew it!"
"I didn't say his name," countered Yusuke. "Why is it so important to keep that guy's identity a secret?"
"Remember how many rules you twisted and broke in order to help people you knew-back when you were dead?" asked Koenma.
Yusuke nodded.
"Imagine a dead human soul with a shinigami's authority. If his friends and family were to learn who he was," Koenma continued, "they'd all be bugging him for favors. Shinigami can't play favorites."
"You don't have to worry about that from Toshitada," scoffed Yusuke. "You know what a serious hard-ass he is."
"You've outed Toshitada to one of his acquaintances already," said Koenma, "and Ken knows that Toshitada works for us. Since he's smarter than you," he continued, "he'll put two-and-two together very quickly."
"So I have to keep secrets from my allies," said Yusuke.
"Sometimes," said Koenma, "your duties involve deceiving those close to you. Which means I must also ask that you forget about that crazy precognitive dream from Yamanouchi."
Yeah, snorts Yusuke silently. Kuwabara punched me the last time I lied to him.
Ami reaches Genkai's temple just as the five walk out with Genkai.
"You idiots stick around," says Genkai. "I need to speak with Ami-san for a moment."
"What for!?" demands Yusuke.
"She's going with you, piss dribble!" spits Genkai. "You may have mastered the reihadou," she continues, "but sometimes I swear the best part of you dripped down your mother's leg!"
Ami sighs, embarrassed; she enters the temple. Genkai follows behind Ami.
Yusuke starts to ready his rei-gun, but Ken grabs his shoulder. "The old bat wants that girl to help out another way," he smirks.
"Yeah," Yusuke grins. "Baa-chan's probably teaching Mizuno secret sexual healing techniques for her to use on Kuwabara."
"Urameshi: I can hear you, you stupid bastard," says Kuwabara.
"I warned you that you should have taken care of that matter before the Tournament," says Kurama.
"The Tournament came and went," scoffs Kuwabara, "and we pulled through."
"That was in spite of you, fool," says Hiei. "You nearly died."
"Maybe if I had been training for a full two months," says Kuwabara, narrowing his eyes at an amused Kurama, "I would have done better." He turns his glare to Hiei. "And my sword technique would have been sharper," he adds, "if a small fire yokai didn't underestimate my ability to survive his possible training regimen."
Hiei rubbed his right arm. "I barely survived my own training," he says. "You are durable, Kuwabara, but not invincible."
"You still haven't fully grasped how to obey your instincts, Kuwabara-kun," adds Kurama. "All things considered, you performed far better than either of us expected."
"As far as that," Kuwabara whispers to Kurama, gripping the kitsune's shoulder, "it's as I said before: I didn't have the necessary equipment to spend time with Ami-san."
"Oh... I am sorry, Kuwabara-kun," says Kurama. "Yokai have never bothered with such things."
"Based on what you've told me, Genkai-san," says Ami, "Kuwabara-san can't afford distractions."
"I'm certain that he's prepared for your combat uniform," says Genkai with a wry grin on her face.
Kazuma-san's nose nearly bled all over my combat uniform, Ami says to herself. That suit leaves little to the imagination, and Kazuma-san is very much an adolescent male.
"One of the reasons he was distracted during the Dark Tournament," says Genkai, "has to do with your business against the Dark Kingdom. Kuwabara would not admit to it, but that was the case. He lost two bouts in a row that he would have won handily if he were focused."
"Which one of our enemies did Kazuma-san fight?" asks Ami, worried.
"A tall woman with blood-red hair; though it wasn't so much of a fight as it was a struggle for Kuwabara to stay alive," says Genkai. "I was able to protect him from this Beryl, but the struggle also weakened me."
Ami trembles.
"That was no problem, though: I needed to be weak enough to die so that my stupid disciple Yusuke would get off his ass," smirks Genkai.
"What may I do to help?" asks Ami.
"Add your healthy intellect with Kurama's-you know him as Minamino-and compensate for the thick, brutish wall of idiocy from those other four," says Genkai. "You should also keep Kuwabara company, but that goes without saying."
"I will do my best," says Ami.
"First we need to head to the scene of the crime," says Yusuke, smirking.
"Fuck, Urameshi!" spits Kuwabara. "We know Botan-chan disappeared from Reikai."
"And I doubt Koenma wants to see you until we find Botan and the kid's soul," adds Ken.
"Damn, you guys are no fun," scoffs Yusuke.
"This is a serious matter," says Ami.
"Only baa-san asked you to come, Mizuno," counters Yusuke.
"I don't wish to be a spoilsport," says Ami, "but we need to think systematically to solve this problem."
"Right," says Yusuke. "So where would you start?"
Ami trembles under five pairs of expectant eyes. She clears her throat. "We know that Botan-san was somehow abducted by the soul of a baby," she says. "We have to consider what a baby's primary objectives would be."
"Eat, sleep, piss, and shit," Kuwabara mutters. "And cry when it's upset, hungry, or tired."
"Granted," says Ami with a look towards Kuwabara. "But consider that a baby has no other way to communicate its needs and moods except through crying."
"So," says Kurama, "a baby's soul would have similar limitations. Let's suppose that our baby's soul was upset, and wanted to escape Reikai," he continues. "Is that reasonable?"
The others nod.
"We also know that Koenma's old man wants the kid's soul," adds Ken. "I don't know about you guys, but I'd take Botan hostage too if that guy wanted my soul for something."
"Hn. That makes sense for a hanyo like you," says Hiei, "but this soul is human-it has nothing to fear from Enma."
"We don't know that," counters Kuwabara. "Gods have a history of being assholes to humans, too."
"Try a bit of Greek mythology whenever you get the chance," adds Ami.
Hiei shrugs.
"Presuming our baby's soul was frightened of Enma-daiousama," says Kurama, "and wanted to escape, what would be its first priority?"
"Since it's a baby," says Yusuke, "it would want to go where it's safe."
"Correct," says Ami. "And if you were a baby, where would you go?" she asks.
"To an armory," says Hiei flatly.
"Where my pursuers would be least likely to find me," adds Kurama.
The three humans and the hanyo all shout some variant of "To your mothers!" at Hiei and Kurama.
"I'd think that no mother would be strong enough to fend off a god," adds Kurama.
"Stupid yokai!" spits Kuwabara. "Think like a baby!"
"When I was a baby, I was thrown away like trash," says Hiei.
"Alright, then: a baby that wasn't born a sociopath," says Kuwabara, covering his pity for Hiei with annoyance.
Ami studies Hiei with understanding, then takes a deep breath. "As this baby was likely from a loving home," she says, "then the baby would seek out its parents."
"This doesn't narrow anything down, though," says Yusuke.
"Without knowing who the baby is or who its parents are," adds Ken, "we still don't know where to start looking."
"The baby had to have died a few days ago," says Kuwabara, "and if a god such as Enma-daiousama wanted the kid, it must be either be special or have special parents."
"Yeah: Koenma did say his father wanted the kid for a special project," says Ken, "so it must have some kind of power he needs."
"Knowing what Enma-daiousama's project was would give us a direction," says Kurama.
Yusuke snorts, uneasy. "Like he'd just tell us what we need to know," he says.
The others note Yusuke's unease. Kurama and Kuwabara glance briefly between themselves and Yusuke.
"Oi! It's true," Yusuke spits. "You got any ideas on how to proceed?"
"Let's consider what we know," says Ami. "Have there been any infant deaths that we know about?"
"I remember Okubo telling me that Fuan's sister's kid just died," says Kuwabara, grim. "Xiao-chan had a heart attack from shock and died a few hours later."
Ami sheds a tear for Xiao, her former classmate. "I think that..." she says slowly as she composes herself, "considering her child would be a good place to start."
Kuwabara takes out a handkerchief and hands it to Ami.
"The last place that kid was alive was in New York," says Yusuke. "Anybody got money for plane tickets?"
The six teenagers exit a Reikai Gate into Central Park.
"Okay," says Yusuke. "In pairs, like we agreed."
Hiei swiftly leaves.
Kurama sighs. "I'll follow him," he says, smiling sheepishly. He leaves to pursue Hiei.
"I'll head with Urameshi," says Ken. "He needs somebody with common sense to watch his back."
"That's usually my job," says Kuwabara, pouting.
Ken leans into Kuwabara's ear. "Yeah, but do you really trust a guy like him with her?" he whispers, nodding his head toward Ami.
"You bastards aren't even trying to be subtle," notes Kuwabara.
"Come on, Saotome!" says Yusuke. "Let those two enjoy their date," he adds with a grin. He and Ken leave.
Kuwabara stuffs his hands in his pockets. "Urameshi would think searching for a dead baby's soul was a great activity for a date," he snorts.
"I thought that fighting was his favorite activity," says Ami.
Kuwabara smiles at Ami. "Let's go, Ami-san," he says, handing her a slip of paper. "I've got Fuan-sempai's address in this city."
"Why didn't you share this with the rest of the group?" asks Ami after she reads the paper.
"If Urameshi is stupidly keeping secrets from us," says Kuwabara, "why shouldn't we do likewise?" He walks off.
Ami sighs, then follows Kuwabara.
"What do you expect to find out here in Little Tokyo?" asks Ken.
Yusuke shrugs. "I don't know. Some of Fuan's family in New York. Familiar smells and sounds for the baby."
Ken scowls. "You know who the baby is, don't you?" he asks bluntly.
"I've got my suspicions," says Yusuke, returning the scowl.
"You don't lie very well," says Ken, "especially not to guys like that old bastard Kurama."
Yusuke stares at Ken.
"Kuwabara caught on pretty quick, too," Ken adds.
"That jackass expects me to lie to him at this point," says Yusuke. "I figure that since he knows more about Fuan, and Mizuno-as baa-san was so kind to point out," he continues sarcastically, "is smarter than the lot of us-"
"Kurama excepted," sneers Ken.
Yusuke nods. "I'm going to let them work on any impressions from Fuan's apartment," he says.
"Did you bug them?" asks Ken.
"I would have planted a Reikai Tracer on either of them, but the bastard would sense it," says Yusuke.
"So we wait until Kuwabara's focused on seeking traces of the kid's residual reiki," says Ken.
"Exactly. Besides, Kuwabara and Mizuno need to spend some time together," says Yusuke.
"What about Hiei and Kurama?" asks Ken.
"Kurama will have his hands full keeping Hiei from killing people who don't even speak Japanese," says Yusuke, grinning.
"What is this fool saying, Kurama?" asks Hiei, noting a rough-looking teenager wielding a switchblade.
Kurama sighs. "He wants to rob you," he says. "We don't have any American money," Kurama says to the mugger in English.
"You Chinese motherfuckers always got money," says the mugger.
"We're Japanese," counters Kurama, pulling out his wallet, "and the only money between the two of us are yen notes. You wouldn't be able to spend it here."
"Shit! Maybe I'll go to-oh, shit!" cries the mugger abruptly as he curls into the fetal position, with his pants-before drooping below his hips-down to his ankles.
Hiei continues flaying the mugger with the mugger's own belt.
"Stop it, Hiei!" says Kurama, restraining the hand with the belt.
"Hn. This fool is incompetent," says Hiei, tossing the belt to the ground. He and Kurama leave.
Two other young thugs approach the mugger.
One leans in, poking the mugger. "Mulberry, you stupid," he says. "I told you not to fuck with that little Chinese dude-he looked like he killed people before."
"He beat you worse than your mama did," adds the other thug, snickering.
Mulberry, the would-be mugger, continues whimpering.
An elderly shopkeeper laughs at the three. "You all ought to get whupped like that for having your pants hanging off your ass!" he spits.
"Fuck you, Freeman!" spits Mulberry, tears in his eyes. "Why you ain't call the cops!?"
"You were the asshole committing the crime," says Freeman, "so if I called the cops, it would have been to haul your sorry ass off to prison. Then you'd really be crying in pain."
Mulberry glares at Freeman and Mulberry's two "friends". "Fuck all your asses," he mutters, leaving the group.
"Pull them damn pants up!" spits Freeman, laughing. The two thugs join in.
Kuwabara and Ami arrive at Shuu's apartment in New York, noting Shuu outside loading furniture into a moving van.
"Oi, Fuan-sempai!" says Kuwabara as he and Ami approach Shuu.
Shuu's eyes brighten when he hears Kuwabara's voice. "What are you doing here?" he asks, grinning.
Kuwabara shrugs. "I'm helping Urameshi with a favor," he says.
"In New York?" wonders Shuu.
"Don't push me in a corner to lie, sempai," says Kuwabara. "We heard that Lee-chan had died a rough death here," he continues, frowning, "and Urameshi wants to figure out why."
"I actually have a pretty good idea of who's responsible," says Shuu, scowling, "and when I get back to Japan, I'm going to corner the bastard and murder him."
Ami trembles. "Is...it possible for us...to look around the apartment for clues?" she asks, wary of Shuu's anger.
"Sorry," says Shuu. "I already gave my keys back to the landlord," he continues, shutting the door to the moving van. He turns to the apartment, gazing wistfully at an open window.
Instinctively, Kuwabara gently grabs Ami's hand, his eyes closed as he enters a trance.
Ami blushes. "Fuan-san," she says, "Could you ask the landlord to let you borrow the keys?"
Shuu shakes his head. "The asshole already changed the locks," he says. "I killed some guys in that apartment," he continues, "and while it was a clear act of self-defense, the killings could mess up his plans to make this rathole apartment 'upscale'." Shuu rolls his eyes.
"It's just that we're..." Ami trails off, interrupted by a kiss from Kuwabara, who woke from his trance.
Shuu smiles at the couple, yearning in his eyes. He enters the moving van and drives off.
Kuwabara breaks the kiss.
"Why did you...?" asks Ami, touching her lips.
Kuwabara grins. "I felt like it," he says.
"Now isn't an appropriate time, unfortunately," says Ami, admonishing Kuwabara.
"True," says Kuwabara, placing his index finger on the tip of Ami's nose, "but it was also the nicest way I could think of to tell you to shut up, Ami-san."
"Shouldn't he know that we're-?" wonders Ami.
"No," says Kuwabara. "The last thing we need is for Fuan-sempai to know that we're tracking down his son's..." Kuwabara trails off, sensing an unsettling presence.
"'His son'?" asks Ami. "Don't you mean 'his nephew'?"
"That too," says Kuwabara cannily, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Fuan-sempai and Xiao-chan apparently couldn't control themselves."
"In any event," says Ami, "we need to find a way into the apartment."
Kuwabara sits on the steps. "It's upstairs, where that open window is," he says, glaring at his right hand. "I'd hoist myself up there, but..." He winces, embarrassed.
"You would draw too much attention if you used your abilities out in the open," says Ami.
"Tch-it's not that," says Kuwabara, frowning. "I'm...kind of losing my powers. My reikan is fine, but I can't sustain my reiken. It's acting like a flashlight with batteries going dead."
"Then you should conserve your energy for an emergency. Regrettably," Ami continues, "we'll have to find a way to break in."
"We really should have brought Kurama," says Kuwabara. "He was a professional thief before he started middle school."
"I have no wish to be indebted to Minamino-kun," says Ami, cross.
"Your little computer won't help us break into that place without us getting caught," counters Kuwabara as Ami takes out her mini-computer.
"Do you have any ideas of how to break in, Kazuma-san?" asks Ami.
"I'm thinking, Ami-san," says Kuwabara, "which I thought was your strong suit."
Mulberry notes Kuwabara and Ami's spirited discussion in Japanese. More Chinese motherfuckers, he says to himself as he walks past Kuwabara and Ami, still feeling the beating he had received from Hiei.
"Maybe we ought to find someone experienced in breaking and entering to help us," says Ami.
"Ah: that dumbass over there with his pants below his ass might be a decent burglar," sneers Kuwabara, jerking his head towards Mulberry.
Though not understanding Kuwabara, Mulberry notices Kuwabara's head motion. Mulberry approaches Kuwabara, grabs his shirt, and pulls him close. "You talkin' about me, motherfucker!?" he demands, pissed.
"Possibly," says Kuwabara in English. "Let me go, you stupid bastard."
"Fuck all you Chinese bastards!" roars Mulberry.
Kuwabara glares at Mulberry. "Look, man," he says, "normally I'd beat the shit out of you, but it...looks like somebody already did that today," Kuwabara continues, noting the fresh belt welts on Mulberry's skin.
"Yeah! One of your damn cousins rolled up on me and jumped me!" says Mulberry, neglecting to add that he was trying to rob the "cousins".
Kuwabara looks Mulberry over, noting residual energy from Hiei. "I guess the guy spanked you with your own belt," he says. "Was he a short guy, wearing black with spiky hair?"
"How you know this shit!?" asks Mulberry, now terrified of Kuwabara. "Yeah," he continues. "His girlfriend Kulama call him Hee-yay."
Kuwabara whips around, struggling to stifle his laughter and conceal it from Mulberry, who was clearly upset from the ordeal.
"Excuse me," says Ami, also in English. "Would you know how to enter a locked apartment without anyone realizing it?"
Kuwabara turns toward Ami with a wild look of astonishment at her and Mulberry. Is she seriously asking this idiot to break into an apartment? he wonders to himself.
Mulberry balks at Ami's request. "Shit-I got priors, girl. I ain't fixing to get my ass locked up for breaking and entering."
"It's an empty apartment," says Ami. "They would only prosecute us for trespassing if we were caught, right?"
Mulberry and Kuwabara both give Ami quizzical stares.
"Ami-san," says Kuwabara in Japanese. "This fellow has a prior criminal record. They wouldn't treat his actions as a first offense."
"What'd he say about me?" scowls Mulberry.
"He said that you have a prior criminal history," says Ami to Mulberry.
"Oh. That's what I just said," says Mulberry, still wary of Kuwabara. "I ain't going to prison for dumb shit."
"Good," says Kuwabara to Mulberry. "We don't plan on asking for help from some stupid fucker who was beaten with his own belt."
"Hold up!" spits Mulberry, offended. "How you gonna break in there?"
"We were trying to figure that out when you intruded in our conversation," says Kuwabara.
"I'll help y'all, then," says Mulberry. "Because Miss Ami ask me nicely. Now! How you like that shit!? Stupid fucking Chinese motherfucker," Mulberry continues as he walks toward the apartment.
Not a fucking bit, seethes Kuwabara silently. He and a perplexed Ami follow Mulberry.
I can still feel that guy's presence. The creepy bastard's watching me, says Kuwabara to himself as he looks around inside Shuu's old apartment.
I've got to keep cool, he continues. Ignore him and focus on the search without letting the asshole know what I'm looking for. "Wonder if Fuan-sempai left any food in the refrigerator," Kuwabara says aloud, walking into the kitchen.
Kuwabara opens the freezer door of the refrigerator. "A teething ring...?" he wonders, closing his eyes. He opens them a moment later, only to see visions of an occupied apartment: Shuu, Xiao, and Lee as a happy family.
"Is that a tooth, Lee?" Shuu asked Lee in Chinese.
Lee whimpered a bit.
"You'll be eating solid food soon," said Xiao, gently smoothing Lee's hair. She looked at Shuu. "Has it been so long...?" she asked.
"Any regrets?" asked Shuu.
"I don't know," said Xiao. "Knowing this," she continued, "would we have made a different choice?"
"We were warned," said Shuu, rolling his eyes at a photo of Kuroda, "but since fate decided that Kuroda would be the one to warn us, I guess that Lee was meant to be."
"Mr. Kuroda likes you, but he seems so troubled," said Xiao.
"Kuroda had a psychotic break during his childhood," said Shuu, pouting, "and he has yet to seek treatment for it."
"Is it alright to trust that charm?" Xiao asked, anxious.
"If you're worried about Yamanouchi suddenly showing up to turn would-be baby-killers into human sashimi again," said Shuu, "then don't. Yamanouchi's even more worried about it than we are," he continued, "and he said he was taking precautions."
Xiao picked up an envelope, then handed it to Shuu. "This came in the mail for you."
Shuu opened the envelope and read its contents. He grinned crudely. "No, Chun, I won't take you to Tahiti," said Shuu, snickering.
Kuwabara grins. "The Westermarck Effect should save Chun-chan from you, Fuan-sempai: you sad, incestuous bastard," he says as the visions fade.
Kuwabara leaves the apartment, locking the door behind him.
"We have to get onboard, quickly!" says Ami, grabbing Kuwabara's hand and pulling him aboard the Reikai Skiff.
"We'll leave the others stranded in New York!" counters Kuwabara.
"Then we can send the Skiff back for Urameshi-kun and the others," says Ami, trembling. "Let's go!"
Kuwabara shrugs as he orders the oni captain to set off for their destination. "I know we need to find the kid quickly," he says, "but you're really panicky."
Ami punches Kuwabara's arm. "Please don't question me!" she spits.
Kuwabara rubs his arm. "You've got some punch, ojou-sama!" he grins. He then notes Mulberry and his friends chasing after the Skiff.
"Aw, hell no, bitch!" screams Mulberry. "Pay me the rest of my money!"
"What the fuck is his problem?" spits Kuwabara, half-ready to jump out of the Skiff and attack Mulberry.
"Faster, please," says Ami to the oni captain.
The Skiff floats into the sky.
"I...made an error with Mulberry-kun," Ami explains to Kuwabara after several minutes pass. "I had meant to write a check for one hundred dollars," she continues, "to help him pay for the locksmith, but I wrote it for one hundred yen." Ami gently slaps her forehead.
"So you accidentally stiffed the guy due to foreign exchange rates," says Kuwabara. He laughs, then plants a sloppy kiss on Ami's cheek.
"I didn't intend to defraud him," pouts Ami.
"We didn't owe him shit, Ami-san," scoffs Kuwabara. "Stupid fucker volunteered his unwanted services!" he adds, raising two middle fingers in the general direction of New York.
"What if this triggers an international incident?" wonders Ami.
"If the United States and Japan go to war, it won't be because of that fucking guy," Kuwabara snorts. "Just forget about it."
"I think you were jealous," says Ami, a mischievious sparkle in her eyes.
"I'd be disappointed if you fell for that guy over me," Kuwabara teases.
"He's a great deal like you," counters Ami playfully.
"No; even he's not that dense. If you had stiffed me," Kuwabara continues, "I'd be swimming after you."
Mulberry's two friends hold Mulberry back from diving into the ocean.
"Let that shit go, man! Let it go!" says one. "You ain't even know where they went!"
"I want my money!" shrieks Mulberry. "I can't even get a dollar for this piece of shit check! The teller wouldn't cash it! That little Chinese bitch is gonna gimme my money!"
Hiei, Kurama, and Ken arrive at the docks.
"Where is Yusuke?" demands Hiei.
"The bastard gave me the slip," says Ken. "Damn!" he continues, clutching his head as he points toward Mulberry and his friends. "That idiot over there is giving me a headache."
Hiei studies the group, noting Mulberry. "Hn. I know that fool. I can silence him," he says, grabbing his sword hilt.
"That won't be necessary," says Kurama with a stern look at Hiei. "Our problem is that the Skiff is missing."
"I think Mizuno and Kuwabara decided to skip town because of that guy," groans Ken, now clutching both of his ears as he glares at Mulberry. "Something about Mizuno owing the guy money for a locksmith."
Yusuke slips into Shuu's old apartment through the open window. "Now," he says, "if I were Kuwabara, what would I-*"
The Reikai Compact buzzes; Yusuke answers it.
"We're stranded, Urameshi," spits Ken over the Compact. "Mizuno panicked and dragged Kuwabara off with the Skiff because she wrote this moron a bad check-*"
Mulberry appears on the Compact. "I don't know who you is," he spits in English, "but tell that bitch: Ami Mizuno, that I want my fucking money-aah!" Mulberry shrieks abruptly. "Please don't kill me, man! Please!"
Kurama, taking the Compact from a blubbering Mulberry, continues the conversation. "It was a simple misunderstanding which got a bit out of hand," he says sheepishly.
"So we're stuck here until Koenma can send another Skiff to pick us up," says Yusuke.
"Why can't you just have Koenma fire up another Reikai gate?" asks Ken, looking over Kurama's shoulder.
"It's a once-a-month deal," snorts Yusuke. "Requires too much energy to maintain."
"Perhaps we can ask the native spiritual authorities here in America to assist us," says Kurama, "but we need to know where Kuwabara-kun and Mizuno-san were-*"
Static suddenly interrupts the signal on the Compact; it shuts off.
"Tch," spits Yusuke, rolling his eyes. He turns around to face the window...
...only to find himself at Koenma's office in Reikai.
Yusuke scowls at Koenma as the infant god enters the office. "What the hell do you want!?" he demands.
"Do you remember the report you gave me?" asks Koenma.
"I gave it to you orally," scowls Yusuke.
Koenma chuckles at Yusuke's inadvertent double entendre.
Yusuke punches Koenma, annoyed. "You typed it up and probably have it filed away somewhere, you asshole!" he spits.
"I know that much," says Koenma. "I just can't recall where, and I need it now."
"I need to find that baby's soul you ordered me to find," counters Yusuke.
Koenma nods. "Yes, and as you know, that file is critical to locating the child's soul," he says.
"I wasn't even supposed to mention that report to the others," says Yusuke. "Now you're telling me we need it to find the kid!? I could have told you that and saved us a lot of time!"
"Perhaps it was for the best," says Koenma.
Yusuke heads to Koenma's desk. "You keep your important files in that drawer," he snorts, pointing at the bottom left drawer. "That's where you keep my file."
"Considering all the trouble you've caused me since the beginning of our relationship," says Koenma, "keeping your file near my fingertips would be a priority." Koenma opens the drawer briefly, then closes it.
Yusuke stares at Koenma, livid.
"Still," Koenma continues, "I thank you for your assistance and the timely reminder."
"Can I get back to tracking Kuwabara and Mizuno now!?" demands Yusuke.
"Certainly," says Koenma. "Just be certain to watch that first step when you leave."
Yusuke shrugs. It's about time the little bastard started to thank me, he says to himself as he turns to leave.
Unseen, Koenma gives a sly grin as his office fades away...
...even as Kuroda, in Koenma's real office at Reikai, wears the same sly grin. "Urameshi-kun is so useful," he muses as he rifles through the file drawer.
"You won't get away with this," says Koenma, bound by the Yoroi no Gen's webbing.
"We can't let you get away with killing Fuan-san's son," counters Sasaki. "Once we have learned the truth, you will be set free."
"You are in charge of the day-to-day affairs here in Reikai," continues Yamanouchi, "so you do bear some culpability in this matter."
Outside Koenma's office, Toshitada glares at the five Troopers. "I can't believe I have to fight the five of you at once," he says.
"Like you haven't done that before," scoffs Seiji, swinging his sword.
Toshitada dodges. "I was armed before. And alive," he notes.
"See?" grins Ryo. "You have the advantage of not having to worry about stab wounds anymore."
"That," says Toshitada with a smirk as he parries Ryo's twin sword attacks, "and the fact that compared to Yamanouchi, your sword technique is still sluggish."
"Sorry," grins Ryo. "I won't let you make me angry, sempai."
Back inside Koenma's office, Koenma silently fumes at his monitor as Yusuke is narrowly rescued from walking off the apartment's roof by Hiei. "Serves him right for mistaking Kuroda's stupid illusions for reality," he mutters.
"That brat!" spits Yusuke, shaking his fist at the heavens. "He plopped me on the roof of the apartment."
"Yusuke, you fool: you were deceived," counters Hiei.
Kurama nods. "The entire apartment was within a dimensional barrier," he adds. "We couldn't get through to you, or even call your Compact."
"I was talking to Koenma about a dumb file he wanted," says Yusuke.
"It was an illusion," says Ken, sniffing the air. "Smells like Kuroda was lurking around."
"Who the fuck is Kuroda?" asks Yusuke.
"Hard to explain," says Ken. "He's human, but he's lived for over four hundred years, like I did."
"And he creates illusions?" asks Yusuke.
"Not by himself," says Ken. "Kuroda has a special armor uniquely connected to him called the Yoroi no Gen. It's modeled on a spider."
"A yoroi is a truly powerful suit of spiritually-charged armor," continues Kurama. "This Yoroi no Gen sounds like an armor worn by a Youjekai warlord named Arago."
"That's because the Yoroi no Gen is a piece of that armor," says Ken.
"So that rumor is true, then," says Kurama. "In my day, it was said that a human monk had vanquished Arago, and was conducting experiments to purge it of evil."
"What does this have to do with the kid's soul?" balks Yusuke.
"Everything!" snarls Ken. "Shuu also has a yoroi, the Yoroi no Kongou. There are nine yoroishi-yoroi masters-in all."
"And it would appear that all nine of these bastards have cause to subdue Koenma and fool you, Yusuke," says Hiei.
"Eight. One of them is dead," says Ken.
"Who?" asks Yusuke.
"You've already met the guy: Kouma Toshitada," says Ken, grinning at Yusuke. "He's that penitent shinigami you were talking about," he continues, "and the guy I'm searching for."
Yusuke rolls his eyes. "Toshitada," he says, annoyed, "works for Koenma. He wouldn't betray his master-no matter how stupid he is."
"He's going to be outnumbered eight-to-one," says Ken. "Those guys should hope Toshi doesn't find a kusarigama."
Yusuke's eyes widen, then he grins. "I've seen the bastard fight with a makeshift one," he says.
"Shit!" spits Shuu, dodging a chain swing from Toshitada. "Who gave this asshole a kusarigama!?"
Hidden nearby, Oda snickers. "Now, Kouma-kun, the odds should be reasonable," he says.
"You're not playing fair, Oda-sama," scowls Date Masamune, wincing as Toshitada knocks Seiji out.
"I'm just relieved to see that Kouma-kun has kept his kusarigamajutsu sharp in spite of this business with Koenma," says Oda.
"Still you have no respect for the gods, even after death?" muses Akechi Mitsuhide.
"If the gods display such incompetence that Kouma-kun has to fend off five poorly-trained children to protect one," says Oda, shrugging, "then why should I change my opinion?"
"Of course," says Sanada Yukimura, "those other three-Kuroda, Sasaki, and Yamanouchi-are already extracting what they want out of Koenma."
"Sempai is dead and still able to outfight us!?" wonders Ryo, grinning.
Toshitada sighs. "Regrettably, I've been a soldier a great deal longer than I've been a monk or a shinigami," he says. "I don't want to fight you any longer, Sanada-kun," he continues, "so I demand that the lot of you leave."
"We'll leave when we feel like it," scoffs Touma.
"Let's take a break," says Shin, taking out several sweet buns. "Can shinigami still eat?" he continues, handing Toshitada a sweet bun.
"Yes," says Toshitada, accepting the dessert, "though we have no need for food...egh! Is this an azuki bean bun!?" he spits, livid.
"Possibly..." muses Shin as he pins Toshitada with his trident. "All oni hate beans."
"I can't believe Kouma-kun fell for that crap," mutters Oda.
Mori Motonari grins. "This is why one never fights alone," he says to Oda as he breaks an arrow.
Oda punches Motonari.
In Tahiti, Kuwabara and Ami spot Botan sitting on the seashore.
"Botan-san," says Kuwabara blandly, a quizzical expression on his face, "this is no way to demand a vacation from Koenma-sama."
Botan turns to face Kuwabara, her eyes wide with panic.
"Mocking Koenma-sama won't help either," Kuwabara continues. "Why do you have that in your mouth?" he adds, trying to pull out a crystal pacifier.
Kuwabara, however, is unable to pull out the crystal. Botan tries to utter a muffled warning to both him and Ami.
Ami notes Botan's concern, and barely dodges the sand golem as she transforms into Sailor Mercury.
"Oi! Lee-chan!" says Kuwabara, concerned as he looks at the sand golem. "You've got to let Botan-san go. It's not safe for you," he continues.
The sand golem stares at Kuwabara a moment, then grins happily. "Kazu-chan!" it says in a child-like voice.
"I need you to put the sand down, Lee-chan," says Kuwabara. "Look at what I have," he adds, pulling out Lee's teething ring.
"Mine..." says the golem.
"Yeah," says Kuwabara. "Your father got this for you to bite on when your mouth hurts, right?" he asks.
The golem nods, reaching for the teething ring.
"Let Mercury-san hold you," says Kuwabara. "She's very nice."
Mercury extends her arms as Lee's soul floats out of the golem towards her; the golem, bereft of the soul, reverts to sand.
Kuwabara holds the teething ring just out of Lee's reach. "Now, if you want this back," he admonishes, "you have to let Botan-san go."
Lee's eyes widen, a glimmer of recognition in his eyes. He babbles.
Botan, free from the sand trap, pulls out the pacifier. "You've been a bit naughty, Lee-chan," she says, "but I forgive you."
Lee nuzzles against Mercury, still wary of Botan.
"If we don't know what's the matter," says Mercury to Lee as Lee takes hold of the teething ring, "how can we help you?"
Lee pulls away a spiritual copy of the teething ring.
"Wow!" Kuwabara grins. "You've got your father's grip, too!"
Lee smiles at Kuwabara.
Kuwabara sighs, gazing into Lee's innocent, guileless eyes. "You're scared to go back to Reikai," he says with understanding, "and you've got every right to be scared, don't you?"
Yusuke, Kurama, Ken, and Hiei arrive.
"Kuwabara, you lucky bastard!" says Yusuke. "You actually came through!"
Kuwabara scowls at Yusuke. "Luck wouldn't have been necessary if you were straight with us the whole time," he says.
Hiei, Kurama, and Ken join Kuwabara in glaring at Yusuke.
"Fuck," Yusuke spits. "I can't win at all."
"Lee-chan can't remain here forever," says Botan after the group settles in back at Kuwabara's house. "He'll become a poltergeist."
"I know that much," says Kuwabara, observing Ami and Lee. "Nonetheless, we can't just deliver the kid to Reikai without knowing what's going on."
"This whole thing was dirty from the beginning," adds Ken. "That's probably why Kuroda was nosing around. You hurt one of the yoroishi, you've hurt them all."
"Eight," counters Yusuke. "We've still got Toshitada in our corner on Koenma's side."
"Even so, that doesn't mean we're all in the same corner," counters Ken. "I said from the outset that Enma ain't up to any good going after this kid's soul."
"Lee-chan's related to Fuan-sempai-who is a yoroishi," adds Kuwabara, "so he likely has some of Fuan-sempai's power."
"That's why he had instinctively summoned that sand golem when he returned to his place of origin," continues Botan.
"You mean Tahiti?" says Yusuke. "So that's where Xiao got knocked up..."
Kuwabara hits Yusuke on the back of the head.
Yusuke snorts, rubbing the back of his head. "What kind of brother lets his kid sister get pregnant?" he scoffs.
"You know exactly what kind, Yusuke," says Hiei.
"There's no point in further obfuscation," adds Kurama, annoyed.
"What do you jackasses want me to do!?" spits Yusuke. "I have to bring that kid back to Reikai, or Koenma will have my ass."
"I agree: we have to bring Lee-chan back to Reikai," says Kuwabara. "What happens after that?"
"I'm under orders to escort Lee-chan directly to Enma-daiousama," says Botan.
"How many people in this room-honestly-can look into that baby's eyes and tell him that he'll be okay when he meets with Enma-daiousama?" asks Kuwabara. "A show of hands?"
No one raises their hands.
"Botan-san," continues Kuwabara. "Where do infants normally go when they die?"
"Most of them automatically go to the Infant Rebirth Room for reincarnation," says Botan.
"So!" says Kuwabara, standing up. "Ami-san, you're going to be a doctor. Does this baby seem exceptional to you?" he asks.
"He looks like a normal, healthy child to me," says Ami.
"Certainly not worthy of a god's scrutiny to me," says Kuwabara. "Let's follow standard Reikai procedure and set Lee-chan's mind at ease so he doesn't kidnap chthonic shinigami out of fright."
"Sounds like a plan to me," shrugs Yusuke. "Koenma only told me to find the kid's soul. If Enma wants the kid after that," he continues, "let him get off his ass and head to the Infant Rebirth Room himself to get it."
The group, including Botan, arrives at Reikai; they face several welcoming committees: a unit of Reikai Special Forces, the eight yoroishi: Ryo, Seiji, Shin, Shuu, Touma, Kuroda, Yamanouchi, and Sasaki-backed by legions of Chinese and Mongolian warriors led by Genghis Khan; and a freed and angry Koenma with Ayame, a wounded Toshitada, and a group of oni led by George, along with several reluctant Japanese daimyo-most of whom wanted to join the yoroishi-led army.
"You can't keep control of this place for five minutes, can you?" says Yusuke.
"This is your fault, you dumbass!" spits Koenma. "How could you fall for that fellow's parlor tricks!?" he adds, pointing at Kuroda.
"Yes, Urameshi-kun; you've made matters insultingly simple for me," sneers Kuroda.
"Don't feel bad, Urameshi," says Shuu wryly. "This spider bastard can fool the best of us."
Lee, in Ami's arms, hears Shuu's voice and coos.
Shuu's eyes widen as he wills away his armor's face mask. "Lee!? Is that Lee?" he asks.
"Yeah," says Kuwabara.
"Great!" says Koenma, rushing over to Kuwabara. "You've done well, Kuwabara. Now hand him over!"
Kuwabara looks away from Koenma.
"I'm serious, Kuwabara," says Koenma. "I told you from the beginning that my father needed this child's soul."
"And I told you from the beginning, Koenma-sama" says Kuwabara coldly, "that I thought Enma-daiousama's motives were dirty."
"So are you on our side, then?" asks Shuu earnestly.
"Fuan-sempai," says Kuwabara. "Lee-chan is dead. He's in the right place, and there's nothing more you can do as far as that."
"I understand," says Shuu, a resigned look of sadness on his face. "He should be up for at least one reincarnation, though, right?" he adds hopefully.
"In that case, great lord Shuu," says Yelu, "the matter is at rest: we will escort our young lord Lee to the Infant Rebirth Room and put this at an end."
Kuwabara grins at Lee. The lucky little bastard has Genghis Khan on his side, he muses. That was his Chinese flunky.
"Reluctantly," says Toshitada, "the matter cannot end so simply if Enma-daiousama requires Lee's soul."
"You're on thin ice, Japanese dog!" spits another Chinese World War II soldier.
Shuu blinks at the soldier a moment. "Great-uncle Chuu?" he asks in Chinese.
The soldier grins, recognizing Shuu. "You were always my favorite nephew," he says, reverting to his age when he had died.
"How many damned dead relatives do you have!?" demands Toshitada ruefully.
"Enough," says Shuu.
"This little one," says Genghis, "will go where he wishes. Tread lightly, Kouma; you are near eternal death already."
"No. Toshitada won't," says Koenma. "My father is ruler over Reikai," he continues, "and he has final say over what happens to any soul under his jurisdiction."
"True," says Oda, "but at least Enma's not a complete fool. There's a reason why Genghis isn't where he should be-or I myself, for that matter."
"Yeah: all of these ruthless, bloodthirsty bastards would conquer Hell Proper inside of a week," mutter Ken and Yamanouchi.
"It would be wisest," advises Yelu, "to overlook our young lord Lee, and have your honored father seek another soul for his purpose, great Koenma."
"Why isn't Yelu in Hell Proper for enabling Genghis' rule?" whispers Toshitada, annoyed with the old man.
"Two reasons, Toshitada," says Koenma. "One: that enabling you refer to allowed Yelu to save a great deal of innocent lives, and eventually unified China. Two: while he's annoying, Yelu's also so organized. If I got rid of Yelu, the oni would riot and nothing would get done."
"You are single-minded in your tireless devotion to bureaucratic minutiae, my liege," says Toshitada.
"Nah," scoffs Yusuke, "the brat's just lazy."
"Stay out of this, Yusuke!" spits Koenma. He turns to Kuwabara. "I demand Fuan Yang Lee's soul."
"Even if I wanted to," says Kuwabara, "I can't. The kid's gone."
"What!?" balks Koenma.
"Sorry," Kuwabara shrugs, completely unrepentant.
"Looks like Lee-chan made a break for..." Yamanouchi trails off, as the person he was speaking to, Kuroda...
...has also slipped away.
Mercury, holding Lee, continues to search for the Infant Rebirth Room. Kuroda appears next to Mercury, matching her pace.
Mercury shakes her head. "Nothing you do surprises me anymore, Kuroda-kun," she says.
Kuroda chuckles. "Has no one taught you to respect your elders, kunoichi?" he teases.
"If you are my elder," says Mercury, "it's because you made a career choice that allowed you to cheat time."
"It...wasn't one of my wiser decisions," he says with a hint of bitterness, "but it is what it is."
"Why do you want to help Lee-chan at all?" asks Mercury as she and Kuroda arrive outside the Infant Rebirth Room.
"Sentiment," says Kuroda. "In beauty, you rival my own mother," he continues, "and as to little Lee: he is the kinsman of my brother-in-arms. No...it is more than that."
Mercury studies Kuroda, even as the armored warrior removes his helmet.
"When I first met Fuan-kun," says Kuroda, "I had despised him. Back then, he was my enemy: Kongou no Shuu; the nine yoroi were opposed to each other, five to my four..."
"I suppose that Sasaki-kun and Yamanouchi-kun were also part of your group of four," says Mercury after listening to Kuroda's narrative.
Kuroda nods. "And Kouma-kun-the shinigami-as well. In fact," Kuroda continues ruefully, "at one point, he was our leader; however, he always had an annoying habit of working at cross-purposes. Kouma-kun never played well with others."
"Don't believe a word Kuroda-that is: Rajura, Masho no Gen-says, Sailor Mercury," says Mars as she arrives with Moon, Jupiter, and Venus.
Kuroda glares at the other senshi as he puts his helm back on. "I have told no lies, kunoichi," he whispers. "That one with my sweet one and your other comrades, however, has." Kuroda vanishes, leaving Mercury alone...
...for the "one" standing behind the four senshi is Enma.
Lee cries, clinging to Mercury as Enma and her fellow senshi approach them.
"I don't care about Kuroda-kun," states Mercury as she backs herself against the door to the Infant Rebirth Room. "I'm not here because of him."
"Then why?" asks Moon.
"This child-Xiao-san's child-is frightened for a reason," continues Mercury, reverting to Ami.
Moon stares at Ami and Lee. "Wait-that's Xiao-san's baby!?" she says, her eyes shining with delight. "I knew he'd be cute!"
"He was cute," says Mars. "Unfortunately, he had died a few weeks ago. That places Lee's fate in Enma-daiousama's hands."
Moon loses her smile, then looks up at the impassive Enma. "What happened?" she asks.
"The infant died an unfortunate death," says Enma. "Say your goodbyes to the child and yield him to me."
"Wait," says Jupiter, glaring at Enma. "This is a baby. My parents told me when I was little that you judged people's sins when they died. If that's true," Jupiter continues, "then what possible sin could a six-month old boy commit for you to judge?"
"Yeah," adds Moon. "The only rotten thing my little brother did at that age was pee in my eye once during a diaper change."
"Humans-indeed: all mortal beings-are subject to die at any time once they are born: for any reason," says Enma, "and sometimes, no reason at all. The child's soul is mine," he continues, "and you will surrender him to me."
"No," counters Ami. "It's illogical to hope that Enma-daiousama's intent is benign. Furthermore," she continues, opening the door to the Infant Rebirth Room, "Lee-chan would normally enter this room to be reborn."
"Subject to my discretion," says Enma, grabbing Ami and Lee with his huge hand before she can enter, "and I have decided to make an exception in this infant's case."
"Why?" Ami demands. Lee cries.
"We don't have the right to question why," says Mars. "This is Enma-daiousama's realm."
"If you don't surrender the child-who is already dead-to me," continues Enma, "then every living soul within the bounds of Reikai shall die, one by one, until you yield."
Ami starts to protest, but Lee softens his crying, placing a hand over Ami's mouth. Whimpering, Lee floats over to Enma's other hand.
"It has been decided. Now, go," Enma orders after setting Ami down.
Ami trembles, tears streaming down her face. Without a word, Venus and Jupiter grab Ami and pull her through the Gate.
Moon and Mars follow after the other three senshi.
Moon stops before entering the Gate. "I don't think we made the right choice..." she says.
"It doesn't matter," says Mars. "There was nothing we could have done, Sailor Moon. Mercury will understand."
"But...I don't understand..." says Moon. Wincing, she and Mars enter the Gate.
Lee frowns at Enma.
"Little one," says Enma, "you are the foundation of a new heaven and a new earth. There is no cause for sorrow."