a/n: okay so it's currently 1:51 am, and I have several mixed feelings right now... As of lately, I've been in a really bad writing funk and I just haven't been able to write. I don't really know why but writing was just so hard for me to do; ergo, working on this story was really hard, harder than usual. And when I don't write, I tend to get sad because writing just makes me so happy. And I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I kind of got... I don't know, for a moment, I didn't like this story. Because I felt like too much needed to be fixed and I felt like I was all over the place with it, and that it wasn't good. And the fact that I wasn't sure what to write for a long time didn't help anything I was feeling. So when I finished working on this chapter, I was a little nervous. Because I have really high expectations for myself with this story (as I do with everything I write), but especially with these recent chapters. I feel like the video's were the most anticipated part of the story, so I really hope that they're living up to your guys' expectations, as well as at least trying to meet my own. And as of right now, personally, and as clichéd as it is, I think I saved the best for last :) This chapter is particularly angsty and after two weeks of being in the worst funk with writing that I've ever been in, I think that this chapter came out pretty good overall. I definitely struggled with it and Kendall drove me crazy, so I kind of put him through hell a little bit (sorry not sorry), and I REALLY hope that you guys like how it came out. Also, as of right now I have finished my first semester of college, which means I have an entire month off and I can get my writing vibe flowing again and getting back to working on this story. This story really is my baby, and despite the fact that I fight with it a lot, I love it too much. And I really, really hope that you guys like it as much as I do :) And yeah, this is long and sappy and I'm overly-emotional and I blame Kendall lol. All in all, thank you all for the feedback I've been recieveing, and happy reading! I don't own anything.

Chapter Twenty-Four
And the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste, could it be worse? - Coldplay, "Fix You"

Kendall turned his car off upon arriving to his job and leaned back against the driver's seat for a moment, as if he needed to catch his breath. Even though he left a little later than he usually did, he was still early for work, and instead of just going in like he usually did, he sat in his car for a few minutes. The blonde stared at his cell phone on his dashboard, half wishing it would vibrate with a phone call from James, asking him to come back home. Even though he thought it was a good sign that James hadn't yet called him, there was still a part of him wanting to be able to leave work and be with his friend. At least when he had James to distract him, he didn't have to become a victim of his own mind, playing with his anxiety and making him just a little more mental each day.

Running his hand over his face, the blonde finally let himself out of his car, pocketing his keys and phone, and started towards the store, ready to get his shift started - and hopefully ended as soon as possible. Maybe work would keep his mind busy for the next few hours…

Kendall thought wrong and he really should've considered calling off of work today. Ever since he arrived to the supermarket, he just couldn't focus on anything, which resulted in him dropping many products that needed to be shelved and almost hitting a few cars in the parking lot when he was supposed to put the carts up. At least his boss was understanding that he had a lot going on right now, and wasn't completely on his case for being clumsy and out of sorts ever since he arrived about an hour ago.

The blonde pulled out his cell phone, checking the time, and then groaned. It was only four-thirty, and his shift didn't end until eight - which was pretty much the biggest perk of this job; he was always home in time for dinner during the week. But that was neither here nor there, since all Kendall really wanted to do was just go home. At least at home he didn't have to think, he could just shut down and relax. But right now, he couldn't stop thinking.

Mostly, he was thinking about Logan, and whenever he thought about Logan lately, it was like his mind split up into ten different directions, all of them pulling at him and trying to get him to settle on one thought or emotion. To say he felt torn was a bit of an understatement.

Currently, Kendall was torn between two thoughts right now: to watch his video, or not.
Ever since Carlos told him he was ready to watch it, Kendall kept thinking about his own video. He wanted to say that there was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to know what was on that video, but there really was a lot of doubt in his mind. He was mostly afraid that when he watched it, he would find out the truth that he really wasn't ready to hear. And truth be told, there was a lot Logan could've said to him. The two of them were as close as brothers and Kendall couldn't deny it anymore; he was horrible to Logan, he knew that. But despite the fact that he finally admitted it to himself, that didn't mean he was ready to hear it from Logan.

Kendall sighed heavily, roughly pushing yet another shopping cart across the lot, not even paying attention to see if it went where it needed to go and he started back inside of the store to clock out for his break.

Kendall didn't make it far; for the next hour, he locked himself in his car and lost himself in his thoughts once again. In the passenger seat was his backpack, his laptop inside, taunting him wildly and the blonde had to fight the urge to smack the bag down to the floor. He pulled at his hair, mumbling, "Damn it," under his breath. He was really losing his mind right now, wasn't he?

Okay, maybe he wasn't losing his mind, but there was one thing on his mind that was slowly making him lose it: the video. He just wanted to watch it so badly, but he was too afraid to. He wasn't just afraid; he was terrified. There was so much he wanted to know, so much he wasn't ready to know… This whole thing was too much for him to handle, and he knew he was putting way too much stress on himself over everything that was going on. It was only a matter of time before he completely broke.

But he wasn't even concerned about his mental health - which should be concerning enough - he just couldn't stop thinking about that video, and finally, before he lost all of his inhibitions, he grabbed for his laptop and placed it in his lap, turning it on. The time it took for his laptop to start up felt like the longest few minutes of his entire life, his heart pounding wildly in his chest. When everything was finally loaded, Kendall opened the video file.

Logan's face filled his screen, a small smile on the face that he couldn't get out of his mind. "Hey, Kendall," his voice echoed throughout Kendall's car, piercing his ears and he had to fight the urge to pause the video or stop it all together. He just had to relax. He could do this. "I've said this three time already, but you haven't heard it yet, so here it goes: I don't know if you'll ever see this, and part of me doesn't even know why I'm making it but… I don't know, I kind of hope that you will see it," Logan paused, sighing. "You and I have a lot of history together bro," he said sadly. "It really sucks that it has to end like this,"

Kendall had to pause the video right then and there. Doing so, he pushed his laptop aside and wrapped his arms around his middle, resting his head on the steering wheel. His chest felt tight, like he couldn't breathe. He tried to even his breathing, his breaths coming out ragged and forced. He felt sick, like he was going to throw up and damn it, he just wanted to breathe like a normal person.

Despite the fact that Carlos and James were only a phone call away, Kendall never felt so alone right now. And he knew why; he wanted Logan.

Trying to breathe through the panic attack he felt coming on, Kendall squeezed his eyes shut and tried to tell himself that it was going to be okay; that he actually managed to start the video and he would be able to finish it. He had to remind himself of the dream he had around the time of Logan's funeral… Logan forgave him. He repeated that stanza to himself over and over again until the ache in his chest dulled and he didn't feel like he was going to pass out.

Exhaling a shaky breath, Kendall grabbed his laptop. Time for round two.

"I kind of don't know what to say right now Kendall," Logan was saying after Kendall had pressed play. "But I guess all I can say is… I miss you Kendall. I really freaking miss you," Logan was silent for a long time and Kendall stared at his screen, waiting desperately for Logan to continue. "I remember," the raven haired boy said quietly. "I remember when we - when we first started out in pee-wee hockey, and you were… Kendall you were amazing. You were insane on the ice, a natural. You were just like your dad." Logan's words were like a punch to the gut, and Kendall felt his heart drop. "And I know that's why you did everything you did," Logan continued. "I know you just wanted to make him proud, and by all means, I have no doubt that you did and that you still are." Logan offered a shadow of a smile and Kendall felt his eyes welling up with tears. But not because he thought what Logan was saying is true; because he was positive his dad wasn't proud of him. "I'm proud of you too," Logan added. "I always am, and I always will be."

Kendall's heart shattered completely. He just wanted Logan back more than ever. He wanted to right all of his wrongs and turn his ex-friend back into his best friend. He wanted to do it all over; he wanted everything to be good again.

"You might not remember, but I do…" Logan paused and Kendall leaned forward, clinging to his every word. "After you became captain, you were just so busy with hockey- obviously, and that was amazing - it was a great opportunity for you and, I was proud of you then too. But none of us had seen you in what felt like forever. And we all missed you but James was too stubborn to say anything, and Carlos was convinced that you were going to come to your senses and come back to us." Logan sighed. "I don't know what I believed at the time. Part of me wanted you to drop hockey and hang out with us again, and another part of me didn't want to be so selfish and wish that on you. I just know that I missed you. A lot." he smiled sadly and Kendall felt an ache in his chest. "But I think I'm getting off track here." Logan continued. "The point I'm trying to make is, do you remember one day, after one of your late practices, and you were like falling asleep while we walked to school? And I was talking to you about hockey and how maybe you should cut back. And you said, 'I play hockey so much because it's what I want to do with my life, I'm sorry if that isn't a good enough reason for you'."

The ache in Kendall's chest got stronger because he remembered that conversation clearly. He remembered how he had been so mean to Logan for no reason, other than he assumed Logan was stepping all over his dreams. He should've realized Logan would never do that.

"Kendall, I never thought that you playing hockey was a mistake or anything." Logan said. "I was so proud of you for becoming captain and playing your heart out all the time." he paused again and looked down at his lap and his voice was barely above a whisper. "I just missed my best friend. I still do, and I always will. And I guess that's kind of what started… everything."

Kendall swallowed thickly. This was the truth that he was terrified to hear.

"I don't know if I blame you or not honestly," Logan said. "Just like I don't know if I blame Carlos or James, but at the same time, I do. Because if you guys would've just…" Logan sighed, shaking his head. "I just wanted you guys to see how messed up I was without you all,"

Tears slid down Kendall's cheeks. Logan was right; they didn't see. They were blind and dumb, and they weren't there when Logan really needed them. What kind of friends were they?

"But," Logan ran his fingers through his hair, then rounded to the back, scratching his neck. "I know that when tomorrow comes, it's all going to go according to plan; you're going to ignore me like you always do, and I'm going to… well, if you're watching this then you know what I already did. And I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but…" Logan shrugged. "I guess that's the way it's going to be." Logan went silent for a moment, and Kendall could feel the panic returning in his chest, his breaths coming out uneven again.

"It'll be okay though," Logan said suddenly. "I know it'll be okay. Because I'm not going to be in pain anymore, and I'll be in a better place than I've been. And you're going to be okay, Kendall. I'll make sure of it." Logan smiled a little. "Whether I go to Heaven or not after tomorrow, I'm always going to watch over you and take care of you. Just like you always take care of me, Carlos, and James. Just remember, you're allowed to let other people take care of you Kendall. I love you, bro."

And just like that, the video was over, and once again, Logan's words had hit home. Because other than his selfishness and stubbornness, Kendall didn't know how to let anyone take care of him. When his dad died, he made it his priority to take care of his mom and Katie. Ever since he met Carlos, James, and Logan, he had always wanted to take care of them. It was only because he cared, but sometimes it came off as him trying to be controlling, because he never let anyone take care of him. And he didn't know why.

Fighting back the sob wracking at his chest, Kendall found that he couldn't breathe again. His chest felt too tight, he couldn't stop shaking, and he felt like he was either going to pass out or throw up. And worst of all, he couldn't make any of it stop. He couldn't calm himself down or get himself breathing normal again, and he knew had to do something about it or… he didn't know what could happen if he didn't get some help.

With shaky hands, Kendall grabbed his phone and after three failed attempts he finally dialed James' number. "Hello?"

"J- J - James?" Kendall's voice was unsteady, tears sliding down his cheeks and his heart working just a little too hard in his chest right now. "I - I need - Can you come get me please?"