This was a little ditty I wrote but didn't include in Eternal Day. It would have occured just after Bella and Edward's return from Italy at the end of New Moon.

The Diary

She shivered and rolled away from me.

I sighed and tucked the blanket around her, wishing I could warm her myself. I looked around the small bedroom sparsely decorated with her few belongings. I longed for the day when I would provide her with any material item she could ever desire. She deserved anything that money could buy and so much more, but I knew she'd protest to the many things I had already thought to give her.

I looked around again searching for whatever book she was currently reading. I knew there had to be one here, somewhere. Bella was always reading. It was one of the things we shared – the love of good literature. I didn't always agree with her definition of "good", however. I couldn't spot a book anywhere and tried the drawer in her nightstand. I did find something - but it wasn't a novel.

From the shallow drawer, I withdrew a plain, black, leather bound book. It had no title, no art work just the plain cover and I knew instantly what it was. My hand actually shook as I held it in the dark. This simple volume was the secret passageway into Bella's mind. Her mind that forever fascinated me and forever eluded me. I held in my hand - the potential source for the answers to so many questions that tormented me.

Bella's diary.

I lifted the journal to my nose and inhaled. I could detect her sweet fragrance lingering there. A fragrance that I had once tried to describe to her - comparing her essence to lavender or freesia. Of course, there was really no scent that could compare to the delicious way my Bella smelled to me. The perfume of her pleased my senses even while it sent the fire burning down my throat. I didn't fear the thirst any longer, though, in a masochistic way, I enjoyed it. As if the pain was sweet – sweet because I had overcome my thirst and the rest of me could enjoy her bouquet despite the fire that ached for me to …

No, I would never allow myself to travel down that mental path again. I would never, could never, harm Bella.

I lay next to her sleeping form staring at the leather-bound treasure. I longed to read it. To delve into her thoughts and to learn how she felt about everything in her world but mostly about me. I had hurt her so much. Would this journal describe the pain I had caused her? Could she ever trust me again? Could she ever love me again? Not that I deserved either one but she was always so generous. Could she, would she, take me back? Would the answers be inside? Would it be so different than listening to someone's mind? If I could hear her mind, I would listen. I wouldn't be able to stop myself but this was different. To purposely open these pages and read her most private thoughts would be a violation of her privacy.

An enormous violation.

I couldn't do that. I'd already hurt her so much. I had vowed to myself on the plane that I would never hurt her again - for the rest of her life. I could control myself. I placed the journal back in its resting place and slid the drawer shut.

I leaned my head back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling, trying not to think. Then, it occurred to me. Why would Bella leave her diary in such an accessible place? Wasn't she worried that Charlie might find it and read it? Wasn't she worried that he might discover something that he shouldn't? Things about me and my family or perhaps the dogs. Would she be so careless as to make that information so readily available to her father who knew nothing of vampires and werewolves and the danger we continually put his daughter in?

No, Bella was too smart for that. She would never put me or my family or even Jacob Black at risk for discovery. So maybe then, it wasn't a diary. Perhaps, she had been writing poetry or had started writing a novel. Bella would make an excellent writer. Her vocabulary is extensive, especially for someone her age, and she's been heavily influenced by several accomplished, classical authors. I enjoyed reviewing her papers for school. She was so much more insightful than her classmates and had never received anything less than an 'A' on any paper she'd written since I'd met her. Perhaps, if it was something of that sort, she would allow me to read it, but again I would await her permission.

It was agony.

The little book called to me, promising me the answers I sought. It was as if I could hear it screaming from inside the nightstand. I ground my teeth and put my hands behind my head. She would never know if I did read it, I speculated. I could digest every word she had scribed before she woke. She would never know.

Perhaps, then I would have the answers I needed in order to halt her nightmares, to ease her fears, to understand exactly what I had done to her. With this information, I could begin healing her. I would do anything to help Bella, to repair as much of the damage I had done as possible. I knew I would never be able to escape the consequences of my actions but she had suffered enough. Wouldn't it be worth it if I could help her?

If only I knew her mind.

If only I knew her mind, I could know how to comfort her. I would know if there was still enough love left for me to rebuild her trust. If I knew her mind, I could know if she really had moved on – if that dog had weaseled his way into her heart. He had been there for her when I had not – I couldn't deny it. A low growl escaped my lips at the thought and my sleeping angel stirred next to me.

"Edward," she moaned softly.

I reached towards her but I could tell she slept still and I didn't wasn't to disturb her. She needed rest so desperately. She rolled back towards me and snuggled up against my icy form. I could feel her heat radiating like a warm furnace through the blanket. She shifted until her head lay lightly on my chest and I could feel her heartbeat against my side. I wrapped an arm around her.

"Promise you'll never leave me," she whimpered into my shirt, still dreaming.

"I promise," I whispered and kissed the top of her head. I inhaled deeply, filling myself with her. I reveled in the ache, both in my throat and in my heart. My heart, which until I met Bella, had been like a cold stone. She was the only one who had ever stirred it to life.

I sighed realizing I could never break her trust again – never breach her privacy. Maybe someday, she would allow me to read her innermost thoughts. But until then, they would remain hers and hers alone. I wrapped my arm around her and smiled, pleased that I was able, again, to control my desires. I knew Carlisle would be proud. I want to be the man worthy of this amazing woman's love.

Someday, perhaps, I will be.