Disclaimer: Obviously not.
When they entered the living room again, Ziva thought about how many times they had done that in the past two days she had lived with Tony. Going into the living room seemed so very ordinary, but having caught that look on Tony's face had made her day. She silently berated herself for letting it make her feel so happy – she had known the man for less than a week, for crying out loud – but she was not able to shake the giddy feeling surrounding her. Yes, he might not have admitted to thinking about her, but she knew that was because of their conversation in the bathroom and how she did not want to move quite as quickly. She still did not really want to jump into anything, but she had been contemplating something else in the minutes she was alone over the past few days.
First, Ari was a traitor to his country and to his family. As much as she did not want to believe it, she knew that her father was the cause of this treachery. Her father had raised his own son to become a monster. This in turn made her contemplate the relationship she had with her father and also her position in Mossad. She constantly asked herself whether her father had in mind for her the same things he had done to Ari. Did he want to turn her into a monster too? He had already trained her to be an assassin, a professional killer, so why would he hesitate to turn her into the second Ari?
Since she had come to the United States and helped out at NCIS, she had felt more relaxed and comfortable than she had ever been in Israel. She liked the familial bond Gibbs' team had formed. She was just very sad that they had to lose a member at the hands of her brother. From what she had heard about Kate, she was a very nice person and everyone seemed to love her.
All of these thoughts swirled around in her head and made her very confused. That was one of the reasons she had told Tony to back down a little, because she was not even sure about herself and her place in the world at the moment, so how could she be sure about starting something with a wonderful man? She was due to return to Israel and Mossad within the next week and she did not know when or even if she was ever coming back to America.
Suddenly, a thought that had wedged it's way into the back of her head sprung to the forefront of her mind. It was an utterly ridiculous thought and that was why she never allowed herself to explore it's possibilities. This thought housed the suggestion that maybe she did not have to return to Mossad. Maybe it was time for her to go her own way, discover who she really was when she was not being a killer. Thinking back on the past few days, that seemed to work really well for her. Granted, she had just killed her brother to save the life of someone who is basically a stranger, but since she had been with Tony, she had been more…human. She was not constantly looking over her shoulder to see if there were any potential threats. She allowed herself to lower her defences. They were still there – ten years of training will never allow you to completely abandon them – but she felt like she could breathe. She could laugh. She could cry. She could be happy.
Happy.
She rolled the word around in her mind and tested the way it felt to her. She had not thought about being happy since she had unofficially joined Mossad when she turned sixteen and officially when she was eighteen. Did being here with Tony make her happy? Her subconscious mind broke through with a loud resounding echo of "YES!". This startled her a little, as the last time she could fully describe herself as being happy is probably when she was still a little girl.
She was however pulled from her thoughts when Tony asked her opinion on which one of the two movies he was holding out to her did she want to watch.
"Either one," she said, a little flustered. "You pick. We could always watch the other one later."
"Are you okay? You seemed a bit distracted there."
"Just thinking about 'stuff'," she said, quoting him.
"Stuff. Of course," he laughed nervously. "Well, movie time!"
"I am just going to the bathroom quickly," she stalled. She knew she had to continue her train of thought and she had to do it right then. "You can start it in the meantime."
"It's okay, I'll wait."
As she made her way down the hall and into the bathroom, her thoughts from earlier bombarded her brain again. Was she happy here? Was being with Tony really making her happier than she had been in almost fifteen years?
In truth, there was not much left for her back in Israel. Her mother passed away when she was ten, Tali died at sixteen and now Ari had joined them. Only her father remained and she did not have any friends. Being a Mossad Officer did not give you enough free time to socialise.
So that left her father. Well, Director David. He was more her boss than he had ever been her father. And looking at the way he had treated her brother, she did not think that she would last much longer.
She did not have any longing in her to return home.
When that thought hit her, she looked up into the bathroom mirror so rapidly that her braid swung from left to right viciously and landed over her right shoulder. She started at it for a few seconds and then brought her hand up to gently run her fingers over the interwoven hair. Looking at her face, she saw her eyes were shining brightly and her mouth was turned up into a little smile after she had looked at the braid.
That was the moment she knew she had to make her decision. She had to decide whether she wanted to stay here in America, preferably with Tony, or return to Israel and fear becoming like her brother.
She silently stepped out of the bathroom door and peered down the hall. She was just able to see Tony sitting on the couch, waiting for her. As she took in his handsome face and his toned body, she knew which way she wanted her decision to go, but she would not allow herself to make it before she knew that she had something to come back to here if she decided to leave Mossad when taking Ari's body over to Israel for burial.
Thus, she was going to have to see how things with Tony turned out. And she was going to have to start seeing that now. No more talking of 'moving slowly' and 'not knowing each other long enough'. She was going to give in to this raging desire she had inside of her to be with him. As she made this resolution, she felt a brilliant smile spread over her face. The butterflies in her stomach turned into an entire zoo as she walked back into the living room and sat down right next to Tony, their bodies lightly grazing each other when they moved.
"There's the smile I want to see!" he said. "What's turned your mood around so quickly?"
"It is nothing, really. Just some 'stuff'. Now play the movie."
"If you say so," he answered suspiciously, but pressed play nonetheless.