Author's Notes: Hello and Happy New Year to all my faithful (and new) readers! I'm so sorry for the long wait. Christmas is extremely busy for me as I have to prepare for myself as well as my not so healthy Grandmother and my extremely busy Mother. But all that is behind me and I'm hoping to get back into this story again. Thank you for your patience and your support! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season!

Chapter Twenty-Five: Yggdrasil

(Yggdrasil: In Scandinavian mythology, an ash tree whose roots and branches join heaven, earth, and hell.)

He knew no one in their right mind would ever chose to sit on the highest peak of the astronomy tower, which was why Severus was there. The silence was calming and allowed him the freedom to quarrel with his demons openly. He spoke out loud, yelling at times before reducing the volume of his voice to a whisper. He wasn't sure if his railing could be seen as a prayer or a challenge and quite frankly, he didn't care. After the words had left him, the tears followed.

Holly's funeral had been that day. He had transformed into his animangus, climbed a tree and watched the proceedings from that vantage point much as he had Lily's wedding. He had been caught between feeling extreme sadness and absolute revulsion as he watched Holly's family cry crocodile tears and put on a good show of grief. He hadn't even told Dumbledore where he had gone or when he returned. He had come straight up to the Astronomy Tower for solitude.

A cloud passed overhead, covering some of the stars from his view. The wind was intermittently howling and hopefully the cloud cover would blow over as quickly as it had appeared. However, the wind seemed to still and he felt ice cold droplets on his face as some snow deployed from the cloud cover. A slight dusting of white precipitation had fallen by the time his solitude had been intruded upon. If it had been anyone else, he would have immediately sent them away, but he knew who it was from the muttered curses. The only thing that Lily Potter hated more than the Dark Arts was heights.

"Why do you have to come so high up, Sev?" she muttered, sitting down next to him, her fingernails digging underneath the shingles in a white knuckled grip. The fact that she had sought him out and wanted to see him always touched him more than it should, but the fact that she was staring her worst fear in the face to be around him grabbed a hold of his heart in an iron like grip.

"This is the closest I'll ever be to heaven."

"You don't honestly think that, do you?"

He rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of how to respond. He wasn't even sure if he believed in a heaven. He was certain there was a hell, he had lived most of his life in it but as for the joyous counter part he was left with doubt and disbelief.

"Sev?"

"I don't know, Lily. Do you believe in heaven?"

"I believe there has to be some reward for the suffering we endure in this life. My parents are Catholic so I was raised with a belief in a heaven and a hell but as for that carrying over to now," she shrugged. "I can't not believe that there is something better after this."

"Designed for the people who deserve it."

"And what makes you so much more unworthy than everyone else?"

How could he confess to her everything he had done as a Death Eater? How could he look her in the eye and tell her of things he had done to innocent muggles and the blood he had shed? He wasn't foolish enough to believe she was guilt free of committing sins either but there was no way she had put blemishes on her soul that he had. But she was staring at him with those green eyes, demanding an answer. "Because life on earth is filled with the worthy and the unworthy. That's what makes us different. What would the purpose of heaven be without a hell and vise versa? They balance each other. Good and evil, pure and spoiled."

"What of redemption? Can't the spoiled ever be pure?"

"I suppose they can act like it," he tore his eyes away from hers. Due to her rapt attention she was leaning toward him. His heart was beating so fast from her proximity and intensity of gaze that he was slightly breathless. "But some stains remain permanently."

When she spoke again, her voice was wavering on the verge of tears. "Then why risk everything to change sides? If you truly believe that the wretched state you were born into confines you for the rest of your life, why try to change it, Sev?"

He miserably picked at one of the loose shingles. "Because of the instinct that is in all of us. That unrelenting desire to be loved. Sometimes, that can become your own private hell as well. I wonder if that's going to be the fate when I die. To go on forever, desperately wanting to be loved and never having it."

She twined her arm around his. "You are loved, Sev."

"I know, but…" he shook his head. James hadn't been dead for four months yet. He had no right to ask for her love now.

"It's not enough. I understand but please believe that I'm not going anywhere now. We're friends again and I'm not going to throw that away this time around. Please, let that be enough."

He looked back at her and saw the serious set to her face and knew she was speaking the truth. If friendship was all she ever wanted from him, he would give it. He took a chance and pressed his lips against the top of her head, breathing in the heady scent of vanilla. He felt a sigh vibrate through her skull and she rested her head on his shoulder. Because it felt like he was giving up on his one and only dream, the words that he spoke hurt deeper than any crucio curse that had been cast on him but he said them anyway.

"It will be enough."

If Dumbledore ever wondered where Severus disappeared to for a full day, he never asked him. Maybe Lily had told him but either way, the Head Master never brought up the subject. A week had passed since Holly's funeral and the repercussions in Slytherin house had been catastrophic. Those who saw themselves as faithful followers of the Dark Lord merely gloated their smugness at the death of a traitor. The ones who feared the Dark Lord but wavered in their allegiance suddenly become so devout in their belief strictly out of terror. But there were a few, a handful really, that actively sought out him and Regulus in an effort to learn how to better fight the uncanny control that Voldemort held over Slytherin House.

Regulus rarely showed himself outside of his room. Severus was the only one, aside from Dumbledore and Slughorn obviously, that had any real access to him. It had sudden made him seem useful in Sirius' eyes. Out of good will towards Lily, Severus related Regulus' emotional state to Sirius whenever the elder Black asked. In return for the information, a grudging respect was forged between the two bitter enemies. Severus didn't need to use legilimency to know that Sirius hated every moment he had to rely on Severus' accounts but it had earned him some blissfully torment free days.

"Puppy!" The joyful cry echoed off the stone walls of the Great Hall disrupting the otherwise quiet evening meal. Harry was picking up certain words here and there and found that it delighted everyone when he used them. But at moments such as dinner, it more or less embarrassed Lily. Severus watched her face flush a deep red and she quietly shushed her now squirming, smiling son. An equally embarrassed Remus Lupin, the announced "puppy," slowly made his way up to the Head table to where Dumbledore was seated. Severus strained his ears to pick up what was being said.

"I hate to disturb, Head Master-"

"Nonsense, Remus," Dumbledore smiled. "Come join us."

"I wish I could but I only came to bring word that there has been more and more Death Eater activity in the Longbottom's vicinity. Frank," Remus looked around briefly and lowered his voice, "Frank has left his post and went to Alice to offer more protection."

Severus watched Dumbledore slowly lay his silverware down on the half finished plate of food. "I see," the old man said. "Have everyone meet me in my office so we can discuss the next course of action."

Remus nodded briefly and left the Hall. As soon as the werewolf had disappeared from sight, Harry started crying. It gave Lily the perfect excuse to head up to Dumbledore's office immediately. Severus, not really caring much if he had any excuse to leave at the moment, did so. He easily caught up to Lily who was trying to calm down a near hysterical Harry. Without saying anything to her, he held out his arms to the screaming child and felt the boy practically jump into them. Thankfully, the crying was muffled against Severus' robes. Lily rubbed her face tiredly.

"He absolutely adores Remus," she admitted, "much to Sirius' dismay."

"Sirius has had other things to attend to lately." The words surprised him, especially since they had come from his own mouth but that was what happened whenever Harry was handed to him: he mellowed immediately.

"That's what I've told him." Lily sighed. "I hope Remus finds someone who makes him happy. All he wants is a family but he's too scared."

"With good reason. Werewolfism can be passed on through genetics."

Lily flared immediately. "Some cases it isn't passed along."

"I wasn't saying he shouldn't have a family. I was just agreeing with his doubts. You know what kind of home I grew up in, trust me, if anyone wants children then they should have them."

"Oh," Lily commented. "I'm sorry, Sev. I'm just tired."

"I have a potion for that."

She rewarded him with a slight smile. "Thanks. Do you want me to take him?"

Severus had actually forgotten he had Harry and judging from the quiet murmurs coming from the boy, he was sound asleep. "No, he's fine."

They walked the rest of the way to Dumbledore's office in companionable silence. There had been more and more of those quiet moments since their conversation on the astronomy tower. Confidence concerning his friendship with Lily had taken the sting out of Holly's death and brought comfort to the meaninglessness of the Death Eater's acts. All too soon the stone gargoyle came into view. It jumped aside without even asking for a password and a coldness settled in his stomach.

They reached the office and a small group had already gathered. Dumbledore was pacing furiously, another bad sign, while Remus, Sirius, Moody and the Prewett brothers watched. Dumbledore took immediate notice of Severus and Lily's arrival.

"Ah good, Severus, you're here." Dumbledore turned towards Lily. "I'm sorry, Lily, but I must ask you to stay here."

"No," she shook her head firmly. "Alice is a good friend of mine. I will not stay behind if you're going to help her."

"I need you here, with Harry," Dumbledore implored. "Please understand."

"Well, with all due respect sir, I don't."

McGonagall came bustling into the office. "Well? What of the Longbottoms?"

Lily promptly took Harry from Severus and handed him over to McGonagall. "We're on our way now to help them."