The Heroes Parody Project
Author's Note: This chapter takes place slightly before and during the events of the last chapter, 'Tre Favole, Ventimiglia'.
Disclaimer: The Heroes Parody Project is a fan fiction based off of the show 'Heroes'. It is copyright NBC and Tim Kring, and I am not affiliated with any of the cast or crew. Reader Discretion is advised.
Matt rushes into the living room where Niki is watching tv.
Matt: You, my good lady.....are pregnant.
Niki: WHAT!?
Matt: You know, I've been counting since the beginning of the series and you said 'WHAT!?' like....a thousand times already.
Niki: Explain yourself, troll!
Matt: Well, it's the new year.
Niki: Duh.
Matt: And I just saw this news story where this woman gave birth to the first baby of the year, and they gave her a car!
Niki: …...really?
Matt: Yes! So, you are pregnant...right now. And will have the baby....
Niki: ...in nine months.
Matt: Uh......it doesn't have to go like that....you've been pregnant! And the baby is going to pop out today!
Niki: Matt, you just heard this story....right?
Matt: Yeah.
Niki: So how does having a baby now going to make me the first of the year if that woman already had hers?
Matt: Hmm....good point. I'll call Hiro,.....you put this basketball under your shirt.
Niki: ….that's not going to work....
Matt: Good point......I'll call Hiro to go back and bring you....pregnant with Micah.....to here! You'll have him, and we'll get a new car.....since I destroyed Mohinder's Porsche and all....
Niki: ….And a massive time rift will destroy the universe.
Matt: And Boom! We got a plot for the next season! Suit up!
Matt walks out of the room, Niki shakes her head.
Niki: Previously on Heroes.......
Level 52 explodes!
Nathan: Well, I've had enough of your nonsense.
Noah: Who, us?
Nathan: Yes! I'm pulling out of the Company Deux project.
Samson gets sworn in as the new Principal of the school.
Monica: Does that actually happen?
Angela: I'm holding a contest…..just so I can write it off on my taxes.
Peter (to Claire): Turns out….that Munroe knows about us.
Hiro comes back from the past….a T-Rex is running amok outside.
Hiro: Ruh Roh….
---
Several hours ago, before Chapter 24 began…
Micah Sanders was making his way to class, he stops by his locker. A note on the door reading….
Chapter Twenty Five "On The Inside"
Micah: Oh….just one of those. Hmm…Another note.
Follow the trail.
Micah looks down to see a trail of M&M's leading out of the school.
Micah: As much as I like M&M's….I'm not eating them off the floor. Guess I'll see where this leads.
Micah follows the candy trail out of the school, around the tables, into a bus, off the bus, through the basketball court, back through the parking lot, into the school, and finally ending into Principal Samson Gray's office.
Micah: You must be joking….
Samson: Hello, Mr. Sanders.
Micah: I had to walk that entire trail to get here?! Why didn't you just page me? My class is right across the hall.
Samson: I had to be discreet, for this is an…..important matter.
Micah: What is it?
Samson: Close the door.
Micah shuts the door.
Samson pulls down a video screen and starts a projection, the picture is of Sylar.
Samson: This….is my son.
Micah: DUH! We've already covered this…..
Samson: He left me for dead many years ago…..and now, I want to show him his greatest mistake.
Micah: Wonderful…..did you want me to make you a webpage or something?
Samson: I want your assistance, in finding my son.
Micah: I don't specialize in that. But why would I help you anyways…..? Sylar is evil.
Samson: You would have the chance to reunite a father and son.
Micah: But…he's evil. How do I know that you're not evil.
Samson: I led you here on a trail of M&M's! What villain does that!?
Micah: I don't know…..
Samson: Tell you what…….I'll make you a deal……you help me…..
Micah: ….
Samson: ….
Micah: …..
Samson: …..
Micah: ….AND?!
Samson: That's it.
Micah: ugh…..
Meanwhile, at the office…..
Elle: So, Sylar blew up Level 52. Big deal……
Noah: We lost all those villains!
Elle: There was only one…
Noah: What is your plan?
Elle: Well, you're not going to like it. It involves Claire….
Noah: No.
Elle: ….going undercover….
Noah: No.
Elle: At the Syndicate.
Noah: ......No….
Elle: And putting her life in danger…..what could go wrong?
Noah: I said 'No'! There must be another way. I have to go talk to Nathan, who has something important to tell Angela and myself.
Elle: Watch him pull out of the project.
Noah: Like that would happen….he loves us
Elle: Whatever. Anyway, why don't you give Claire a shot? She's a tough girl….always with her (with Claire' voice) "I walked through fire and didn't get burned" and "I can't feel pain, and soon I won't be able to feel anything at all". (normal voice) I read these in her new tell-all book 'Woes Of A Cheerleader: The Claire Bennet story'.
The book has a cover of Claire, looking into the distance, about to get creamed by an oncoming train. Choo! Choo!
Elle: The train actually says 'Choo! Choo'?! That's odd….
Noah: I told her not to publish that…..whatever, just….don't do it. I'll be back shortly.
Noah leaves…Elle hops on her phone.
Claire (answering her phone): Yeah?
Elle: …..we're on.
Claire: I was hoping you'd say that.
Elle: You can't fail…..good luck. I have to go shoot 'Chapter 24'.
Claire hangs up the phone and looks in the mirror at her newly dyed black hair. To compare, she holds up a picture of one of Sylar's agents, 'Bridgett St. Clair'.
Claire: Good thing we look just alike……and the fact that 'Claire' is in her name….what a coincidence!
= = =I like to make myself believe, that planet Earth turns slowly……HEROES!= = =
7 Hours until Claire gets caught.
Claire: HEY!
In the car, Claire hops on her cell phone to call Elle, but no luck.
Claire: Way to go, Elle, give me this important mission and no address. Hmm……Whose that girl that everybody always go to when they can't find someone and the writers can't think of a better way to find them…..Molly!
The car pulls into the school, Claire walks in.
Hall Monitor: HEY! You don't have a visitor's pass……..
Claire: I didn't think they had Hall Monitor's in Junior High….oh well….
Claire walks past the receptionist into Samson's office. He was in the middle of talking to Micah.
Samson: May I help you, young lady?
Claire: Yes, I was looking for Molly.
Micah: Oh….hey, Claire. Whoa!....Almost didn't recognize you with the black hair.
Claire: Hi, Micah. Yeah….I'm doing an undercover mission. Do you know where Molly is?
Micah: Yeah, her class should be ending soon, I'll take you there.
They start to leave.
Samson: AHEM!
Micah and Claire stop.
Samson: …..AHEM!
Micah: -sigh-…..Claire this is the Principal….now, let's go.
Samson makes his way to Claire and shakes her hand.
Samson: It is a pleasure to meet you. You may recognize me…..these sharp looks do run in the family.
Claire: ….
Micah: …..(eye roll)
Claire: ….uh…….
Samson: The name is Samson…..Samson Gray.
Claire: …..
Samson: I am……a father…..
Claire: Congratulations……?!......I guess…..
Samson: ….of….
Micah: This is taking to long, he's Sylar's dad.
Claire: GAH! FREAKING OUT!
Samson: Don't be scared. My son is a vicious and vile young man….and he needs to be taught a valuable lesson…..My son did something terrible to me…..has he done anything to you, Claire?
Claire: Well, he….
Samson: That's nice……Anyway….My son must be stopped at all costs. We are the good guys…..we are the only ones who can stop him.
He walks up to Micah and Claire.
Samson: Retribution is upon us…….it is within reach…….and I want it more than anything.
Claire: Uh, that's nice, but I have work to do.
She turns and cuts herself on a nail sticking out of the wall.
Claire: Ow…..
The cut heals.
Micah: Uh….?!
Samson: Ah….so it becomes clear.
Claire: Busted?
Micah: Busted.
Samson: You are the girl who saved my life……I want to thank you by having you help me with my problem.
Claire: Saved your?….wait a minute….that's right! You're Dr. Munroe's patient! Peter told me that…..how did I forget?
Samson: You're blood is very special, indeed.
Claire: Enough of that, where's Munroe?
Samson: Well, it looks like we both want something. You help me find my son…..I'll give you Munroe….
Micah: What do I get?
Samson: You get to continue to travel down the road of academic success….at this school…..whatever the name is…..
Micah: I feel like I'm getting cheated.
Claire: So, where's her classroom.
Micah: Oh man….I forgot! She's not in class today. She's going to the football game!
Claire: What football game?
Micah: She's a flag girl for this school's football team.
Claire: That's all good but….who has a football game during classes.
Samson: We do! We take pride in our football team….whatever it's name is for whatever the school's name is….I should probably write these things down.
Micah: We might catch her bus. Come on!
The three of them run out as the bus is leaving.
Claire: Of course that happens.
Samson: This way….we'll take my chopper.
Claire: You have a helicopter?!
Samson: No, my bike!
Micah: Cool! You have a motorcycle.
Claire and Micah look (with massive disappointment) at Samson's 9 speed bicycle…..with a wagon tied to the end of it.
Samson: There's only one seat. But I added this wagon in case of extra passengers.
Micah (to Claire): Please tell me you brought a car.
Claire (to Micah): Please tell me you have a tank of gas lying around somewhere.
Micah: Groan…..
Later, Samson is pedaling furiously down the street with Claire and Micah riding in the wagon in the back.
Samson: Gotta love that fresh air!
Claire: This seems a little dangerous!
Micah: No Claire….this is very dangerous….
Samson (singing): I've got a lovely bunch of Coconuts….
Claire: AHHHH! PINECONE!!!!
Running over the pinecone, the wagon flips, Claire and Micah fall into the street.
Claire: ow….
Micah: Medic!
Meanwhile, at The Syndicate….
Jax, the intern, bursts into Sylar's room.
Jax: Sir…we have a situa……(looks at his T.V, which has a Nintendo Wii remote sticking out of it)….tion?
Sylar: It came like that.
Jax: Sir, I told you to lay off the Wii Bowling….
Sylar (sobbing): I can't! It's too addictive…-sob-
Jax: We have more pressing issues, sir. The Health Inspector is coming.
Sylar: For what?
Jax: To…..inspect….health.
Sylar: I don't own an eating establishment! What difference does it make?
Jax: It's a law….it's about our health.
Sylar: What a load of bull…..so, what if we fail?
Jax: He'll shut us down.
Sylar: We are the world's most notorious villains….plus one thanks to the Level 52 raid…..we're not going to let some pipsqueak Health Inspector stop us.
Jax (running out): We have twenty minutes.
Sylar: That will be plenty of time to set my trap…..mwa……hmm…..my laugh isn't what it used to be. Needs practice…..
At the football game….
Samson: What a perfect day for a football game. There are a ton of people here!
Claire: Are all these people ditching class!?
Samson: Looks like it.
Claire: Uh…shouldn't you be….I don't know….upset about that?
Samson: Maybe?
Micah: Molly is getting ready, we're too late! We'll have to wait until she gets done.
Samson: We don't have time….We'll split up into three groups…..
Claire: Stellar math skills…..
Samson: Micah, you check over there.
Micah: Where?
Samson: Claire, you run out on the field and confront Molly.
Claire: I can't do that!
Micah: Where am I supposed to go again?
Samson: Leave the snack bar to me….
Micah: Actually, I wouldn't mind having the snack bar…..
Samson: Dismissed!
Samson takes off. Micah and Claire stand there.
Micah: This is going to be….
Claire: ….a very….very long day.
A voice: What are we going to do?! Cindy is out sick! We're going to need a cheerleader to assume the top of the pyramid!
Another voice: Hey, what about that girl over there, she looks like a cheerleader!
Claire: My ears are burning!
Micah: Well, I have to disapprove since you were a Cheerleader on the Halloween Special and died while performing the pyramid….
Claire: Which was forever ago…..
Micah: But it'll get you on the field…..so…..go crazy.
Claire: I'm off!
Micah: A very long day indeed.
Back at The Syndicate….Jax is dusting like there's no tomorrow. Sylar is reading a book.
Jax: SIR! What are you doing?
Sylar: I wish you'd stop calling me that. You're making me look like Peppermint Patty!
Jax: But the Health Inspector is….
Sylar: You know what, Jax? I don't care about this guy. In fact, I'm going to just kill him….
Jax: Uh…
Sylar: Assume his form….(upon getting shape shifting powers again)….and give us a passing grade. Will that put your mind at ease?
The Health Inspector, who was standing behind Sylar the entire time, puts a check mark on the 'Death Threat' box and proceeds into the next room.
Sylar: Curses…..
Micah, in the bleachers, is joined by Samson, with some nachos and a novelty foam hand with the number 1 on it.
Micah: The operation is going perfectly….I guess.
Claire (cheering): We got spirit! Yes we do! We got spirit! How about you?
Other cheerleader: Hey! We stopped cheering like, 10 minutes ago, you can get off the field now.
The football lands in Claire's hands. She screams and starts to run for it.
Micah: This is going very well.
Samson: I would think the game would stop if the Cheerleader caught the ball.
Micah: Nope…..this sort of thing only happens to us.
Inside one of the locker rooms, Claire bursts in and slams the door.
Molly: Claire? Is that you?
Claire: Yes….the black hair does make me look a thousand times more amazing than normal….
Molly: What are you doing here? I mean…..you somehow got on the Cheerleading Squad and you don't even go to our school……but….
Claire: I need to know where Sylar is.
Molly: You know, I really wish you guys would use me for something else then your personal Hero GPS.
Claire: You're right……I completely understand……so……..
Molly: …….
Claire: ........How about some girl talk?
Molly: Shoot.
Claire: Oh!…..uh……aren't boys just…..gross…..and stuff……?
Molly: …..
Claire: ….yeah, I remember that when I was your age……gotta avoid them cooties…..
Molly: Okay, that was the worst Girl Talk ever! And second….most people outgrew cooties in like….1st grade.
Claire: Really?! That early?!.....Well, that was about the same time for me too…..heh heh…..
Football Player: Hey, Zeke, you should ask that new cheerleader out!
Zeke: I would but she said I had cooties!
Football Player: What is this, 1st grade?
Claire (screaming): I WAS JOKING!!!!
Later, Claire plops down on the bleachers next to Samson and Micah.
Claire: I got the address!
Samson swipes the piece of paper and looks at it for about a second, then hands it back to Claire.
Samson: That is all I need. For our adventure ends here….
Micah: Huh?
Samson: It has been a delight to travel with you two. We should do it again sometime. But I must handle this next battle….alone.
Samson gets up and leaves.
Claire: And…..now we don't have a ride. So what did he leave us?
Micah (holding up the foam hand pointing a number 1): …he gave us the finger.
Claire: How appropriate…..
Meanwhile, Sylar, Jax the intern, and The Health Inspector are walking through the hall.
H.I: Mr. Gray, this evil lair of yours is riddled with health code violations. I don't know where to begin.
Sylar: You can start and end with the last offensive……that would be nice.
H.I: Normally, I could negotiate on some of these. But the rest just make me want to shut you down on the spot.
Sylar: That's preposterous. We don't get customers!
H.I: It's not about the customers! It's about maintaining a healthy work environment for your employees.
Sylar: You say that as if I actually pay them….
Jax: It's true. He doesn't.
H.I: We need to go over some of these….
Sylar: What is so bad about this place?
H.I: Well, for starters….You have mice in your break room!
In the break room, in a cage, two mice try to break free.
Pinky: Narf! What are we going to do tonight, Brain?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky………TRY TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
They're Pinky…They're Pinky and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!
Sylar: Ugh……Jax, a word.
Jax: What is it sir?
Sylar: We need to get rid of this guy at once! You'll distract him, and I will find a way to dispose of our guest. We may be violating health…..but he is violating…you know…..our…..place?
Jax: Well said, sir….
Sylar: He dies, tonight!
The Health Inspector puts a second checkmark on the 'Death Threat' box.
Sylar: GRR!
Outside of the Complex, a bus pulls up. Micah and Claire hop out.
Claire: So…..this is it.
Micah: Let's get inside, I'll fix the security settings for you.
They walk in.
Receptionist: HI! Welcome to The Syndicate. How may I help you?
Claire: We need to….
Receptionist: NO!
Claire: …..
Micah: …..
Receptionist: Thank you, come again.
Claire: But I….
Receptionist: Thank you, come again.
Claire: BUT!
Receptionist: I said 'Thank you…come again'.
Claire: Crap Factories!
Micah: Uh….what?.....whatever….Distract her….I'll set you up.
Claire walks behind the receptionist.
Claire: JUDO CHOP!
Claire chops…..
Receptionist: OW! That hurt! (Running off) WAAAAAAAAAH!
Claire: ….hmm….needs more practice.
Micah types something on the computer.
Micah: Okay, here we go……put your thumb here. (Which Claire does). All your information has replaced Bridgett's…..You are free to roam the complex.
Claire: Thanks, Micah. Couldn't have done it without you.
Micah: I'll be back at school monitoring your progress. Since apparently I'm the only one who still goes since everyone is at the game.
Claire: Good, I'll take it from here.
Claire puts an earpiece on while making her way down the hall.
Meanwhile, in the kitchen. The Health Inspector is sitting at the table watching a sandwich move across the surface. He is not amused.
H.I: What is this?
Sylar: Wow, talk about FAST FOOD!
Jax (on the drums) DUM! DUM! TSH!
H.I: I've had enough. I'm shutting this place down.
Sylar (hopping out of his head): NO WAY! I'm shutting you down.
Sylar raises his finger, sliding it across….nothing happens!
Jax: PSST! You don't have that power anymore!
Sylar: DAMN! I keep forgetting that. Whose the big fella that works for us?
Jax: Tiny?
Sylar: Send him in.
Tiny comes storming in.
Tiny: TINY HELP!
Sylar: Ugh….send our guest to the brig…..or cell…..or whatever!
Tiny: TINY SMASH!
Jax: No, No, No!....No smash! Just put in cell.
Sylar: I mean…..If you smash him, it's not like it'll be a big deal…..in fact you might get a raise!
Jax: Don't listen to him! Put him in prison….
Tiny: TINY DON'T GET PAID!
Sylar: And I'll double that!.....Which if my math is correct…..
H.I (writing): Fail….Fail…..Fail……Fail….
Sylar: Wait….where's Bridgett?
She's upstairs! About to go into her room but she's locked out.
Bridgett: That's weird.
Claire: Allow me!
Claire comes up from behind and unlocks the door.
Bridgett: Who the hell are you?!
Claire: The names Claire……er…Bridgett St. Clair. I just love how I can just transition into that smoothly even if I screw up the name!
Bridgett: Well, not on my watch!
Bridgett tackles her and they roll around, punching, scratching, and kicking each other.
ONE CATFIGHT LATER…..(budget cuts)
Claire emerges from the room dusting her hands in a clichéd fashion. Sylar pops up.
Claire: GACK!
Sylar: There you are….hey…..I don't know what it is today….but you look like someone I know…..
Claire: Nope!
Sylar: Good, that's a relief. Now, come on…..We have to do a job.
Claire: Dammit, I just got here, I'm tired of going on errands!
Sylar's Van……The Syndicate Machine……
Claire: That's a stupid name!
The van pulls in front of the National Museum Of Priceless Shiny Things.
Claire: That name is no better…..
Sylar: Well, since you are the master jewel thief….
Claire: Of course I am……(ugh….I couldn't be the janitor!)
Sylar: We are going to steal the Priceless Faberge Egg Of Shangri-La!
Claire: What does this have to do with being evil?
Sylar: ….stealing is evil.
Claire: Good save.
Sylar: Let's move.
Claire: It's just us two?
Sylar: Yeah….didn't you see Ocean's Eleven?
Claire: Yeah….They had ELEVEN people!
Sylar: Well, we don't…..so get over it…..move!
Claire and Sylar (more like Bridgett St. Claire)…
Claire: So lame…..
…make their way around the side of the Museum. They enter a vent which conveniently takes them to an opening right over the Faberge Egg display.
Claire: …..not even going to go there.
Sylar: Okay….tie this around you…..and I'll lower you down.
Claire: Uh….okay……
Sylar start to lower Claire into the Egg room. She takes out a bag of sand and dumps it around, revealing the lasers all around the room….
Claire: What's the point of putting this in a public museum if it's just going to be lasered off!?
Back in the vent….Sylar is lying on his back, holding onto the rope. Pinky and The Brain show up.
Pinky: NARF! Brain, this guy here is stopping us from taking over the world! NARF!
Brain: Let's mess him up.
Sylar (his face getting beat up): AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Sylar drops the rope, Claire lands on the display, it shatters into a million pieces, many of them skewering into her abdomen.
Claire: OH THAT SUCKS!!!..........
Sylar gets his composure and pulls Claire back up as the alarm is blaring.
Sylar: Oh man….I didn't expect that to happen! Are you…..okay?
Some cuts on Claire's face begin to heal automatically.
Sylar: Hmm…..That's odd…..I don't remember you having a power…..in fact, none of my employees do…….especially one with……..OH MY GOD….IT'S CLAIRE!
Claire: Bridgett St. Clair that is! (I think I'm busted)
Sylar: Cut the crap, Claire! I know it's you!!!
Claire: Oh boy….
Back in school, Micah gets out of his chair and sprints down the hall. Upon exiting, he stops dead in his tracks when he sees a T-Rex roaming around the school courtyard.
Micah: Ugh…..man….come on…..
Micah runs down the hall and enters Hiro's room.
Hiro turns around to see Micah standing there.
Hiro: Oh, hello Micah. What can I help you with?
Micah: Did....you go back into the past to give your history lesson?
Hiro: Yeah, we weren't there for long though. Why?
Micah: I....think you brought back some visitors.
Hiro runs over to look out the window. A T-Rex is stomping around the courtyard of the school.
Micah: …...what have we learned?
Hiro (mouth agape, staring at the dinosaur running amok): …...Holy sh---
Back at The Syndicate. Tiny throws Claire in a cell next to The Health Inspector….
Sylar (standing next to Jax): I can plan one final attack that will put an end to Bennet…..and she will help me every step of the way.
Jax: Yeah….I'm sure that will work.
They begin to walk down the hall, Tiny charges after them.
Tiny: TINY LOSE GIRL!
Sylar: WHAT!? You just put her in there.
Tiny: I LOCKED CAGE, BUT IT BECAME UNLOCKED!
Sylar: You're so getting a pay decrease……you're going to have to start paying me to work here!
Sylar storms down the hall and swings the door open to find Samson standing there.
Sylar: Guh……..
Samson: Hello……son…….(lightning strike)
Jax (on the drums): DUM! DUM! TSH!
Sylar: -groan-…..
To Be Continued......