Title: This Tear
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's note: I swear I started this chapter with the intent to get it up before the graduation whirlwind started, but I didn't get a chance to finish it. I had a party Wednesday with my friends and our families, Thursday for the tennis team, Friday after graduation was the school's all night party, Saturday I slept all day, Sunday was my party running over to Monday after which I dropped my friend off at the airport and went to my last acting class, Tuesday I left for NH with my two friends and just got back Friday night. I set straight to work on Saturday. It's just been really crazy. But I have 16 days now until I move to Los Angeles. I don't start college until the end of August, but my mom and I have to move out there early because there's a manager who I auditioned for, and he wants me out there early to start auditioning and getting settled with an agency (I want to be an actress if you can't tell lol). So hopefully I can write a bunch over these next two weeks when I'm not packing. And we'll see what the situation is when I get out there. Just keep reading these notes, and I'll keep you updated. Thanks for patiently waiting guys! Hope you like the chapter!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Syd! Your dad just e-mailed us. Dixon passed his test," Vaughn announced anxiously, walking over to the bed. He sat on the edge, facing her. She didn't seem to want to meet his eyes, though. "Syd?" He asked tentatively.
She looked up suddenly. His good news about Dixon was instantly forgotten. His focus now was solely on the tears that were pooling in her eyes.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 25: The End of the Road
"Syd," he whispered, reaching out to touch her face. "What's wrong?"
She managed a small smile at how quickly his excitement had turned to concern. "Dixon passed his test?" She asked.
"Yes, but don't try to change the subject," he said firmly. She sighed and looked down, wiping her eyes. She looked back into his eyes, this time with a clear and serious expression.
"We need to talk," she said softly. Vaughn suddenly felt like the room was closing in on him and breathing started to become difficult.
"Okay," he choked out.
"Vaughn," she said, hesitating and looking away from him again. He reached out and took both of her hands in his larger ones, encouraging her to continue. She looked back up at him and sighed.
"The results came back," she said simply. Vaughn felt as if a fist were around his heart, squeezing tightly.
"I thought they wouldn't be back until tomorrow," Vaughn said, confused.
"They weren't supposed to be. But the preliminary tests revealed enough that the other results weren't really important anymore," Sydney explained.
"What- what did they say?" Vaughn forced himself to ask. Sydney paused, looking straight into his eyes.
"That there are cancerous cells in my bone marrow."
Vaughn felt the fist around his heart move to punch him in the stomach, leaving him winded. He shut his eyes against the pain he felt and bit his lip. Hard. He took a few deep breaths before he was able to look at her again.
"Bone marrow transplant?" He asked, knowing that was the next likely step.
"Normally, yes....but not for me," she replied.
"Why not?" Vaughn asked, eyes wide, voice frantic.
"Do you remember the other day, Vaughn? When I had that knot in my back?" She asked. He nodded wordlessly. "Well, it wasn't a knot. It was a tumor. And it's close to my spinal cord. Removing it would likely mean paralysis."
"And you'd prefer being dead?" Vaughn asked angrily.
"Even if I wanted to make that choice, Vaughn, the tumor in my brain isn't any better. In fact, Dr. Anderson thinks the more extensive results will reveal that it's grown. There's nothing anyone can do anymore. It's over," she finished in a whisper. She watched the look on his face change from anger to a look of pain as if he'd been physically stricken. Seeing that tugged at her heart. She reached out to touch his face. She saw a tear fall from his eyes before he pulled away suddenly.
"Syd, no. I won't accept it! There *has* to be something they can do! You can't just give up like that!" He shouted, his eyes wild.
"Vaughn, stop. Please. Listen to what I'm saying. I'm not giving up, Vaughn. I'm accepting the inevitable. Because no matter how much I want to believe otherwise, I'm dying... And I need you to accept that too."
Vaughn shook his head vehemently. "I won't! I can't sit here and watch you give up, Syd. I won't do it!" He didn't look at her as he got up and stormed out of the room, leaving Sydney by herself. The only thing she felt through her numbness at that moment was the feeling of tears falling down her cheeks.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Weiss pulled in late that afternoon and was surprised to see Vaughn sitting on the edge of the porch. Weiss parked and quickly got out of the car. He knew Vaughn had been instructed to avoid going outside in the daytime if he could help it. As Weiss got closer, though, his intended reminder died on his lips. He could see that Vaughn's eyes were red-rimmed and the look on his face made Weiss stop dead in his tracks.
"Mike?" Weiss asked cautiously. Vaughn looked up at him, but didn't say anything. Weiss walked over and sat next to him. "What's going on?"
Vaughn sighed and wiped his eyes. "It's Syd," he said, his voice thick.
"Of course it is. What's going on now? Is she back into her distant mode? Did you fight?" Weiss asked. Vaughn shook his head.
"If only it were one of those, Eric," Vaughn said wistfully.
"What do you mean? What is it?" Weiss asked, worried by Vaughn's words.
"The results came back," Vaughn said simply.
"This early?" Weiss asked.
"Apparently the preliminary results told them all they needed to know," Vaughn replied, somewhat bitterly.
"And I'm guessing they weren't good."
Vaughn paused, letting the silence hang over them for what seemed like an eternity before he finally forced himself to utter the words he'd spent the last few hours trying to convince himself weren't actually true.
"She's dying."
Vaughn watched the look of shock spread over Weiss's face.
"What?! You mean the treatment didn't work?" Vaughn shook his head. "Well then there has to be something else they can try!"
"The cancer's in her bone marrow," Vaughn told him.
"Well can't they-"
"And there's a tumor in her back," Vaughn said, cutting Weiss off. "It's inoperable."
"Oh God. Oh God, no. Mike... I am so sorry," Weiss said, his own voice breaking.
"I don't know what to do, Eric," Vaughn said honestly, tears rising again in his eyes.
"How did she take it?" Weiss asked.
"Better than I did. She seemed to accept the news. I went crazy. I accused her of giving up. I just... I can't sit around and watch her die, Eric. I can't do it."
"Well then you leave her to do it alone," Weiss reasoned, making him realize the true meaning of what he was saying. "I hate to say it, Mike, but if you really love her... you don't have much of a choice."
Vaughn sighed in defeat. "You're right. Of course you're right," he said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "I just don't know how to do this. I don't even know if I *can* do this."
"Well then I'm sure you're both in the same boat," Weiss said. Vaughn nodded in understanding, a solitary tear falling silently down his face. "I hate it too, Mike. I never loved her like you did, but I've always considered her a friend. She's an amazing person. I was hoping that it didn't come down to this just like you were."
Vaughn again nodded. "I know," was all he could manage around the lump in his throat.
"You should talk to her. If you have to go through this, at least you can do it together," Weiss reasoned.
"I know. I will," Vaughn agreed. "I just-"
"Need some time," Weiss finished for him.
"Just to sort through things so that I don't lose it again," Vaughn explained. Weiss nodded and got up.
"Just don't take too long. I'm sure she'll be looking for you eventually," Weiss said before going inside.
Vaughn sighed and dropped his head into his hands, wishing he could will himself back into a time when his biggest worry was coming up with the most effective counter-mission for his agent while attempting not to fall hopelessly in love with her.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn ventured inside to eat something sometime in the evening, but found himself sitting back out on the porch as he watched the sky grow dark. He was unaware of how long he sat outside before he heard the boards on the porch creek behind him. He turned and saw Sydney standing there, her favorite robe tied tightly over her pajamas to ward off the cold. He couldn't help but stare at her. Her face was not that of a dying woman. If a stranger were to pass her on the street, they may only give her a second glance because of her beauty. No one would ever guess that a battle was being waged inside her body. For a moment, he desperately wanted to be one of those strangers who didn't have a clue.
"I thought I might find you out here," she said tentatively, breaking his train of thought.
"Yeah, I just needed to get out for a little while. And this is as far as I'm allowed to go," he explained. She nodded slowly, obviously afraid that he may go off again.
"Mind if I sit?" She asked, her voice almost nervous. Vaughn shook his head and Sydney walked over and sat next to him, careful to keep about a foot of distance between them.
"How are you?" Vaughn asked sincerely.
"I'm, um, okay, I guess. Kind of numb," she replied. "How are *you*?"
Vaughn sighed. "I'm really regretting the way I reacted actually. I'm so sorry for blowing up at you, Syd. I wasn't really angry at you, I just- I just didn't want to believe it. And my anger at the situation unfortunately got directed at you. I didn't mean a word of it, Syd."
"I know you didn't, Vaughn," she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes.
"I don't want to lose you, Syd. I don't know how to let you go," Vaughn admitted tearfully. Sydney responded to the admission in the only way she could. She reached out and held him. He clung to her in return as if he couldn't possibly hold her close enough. "I'm so sorry, Syd. I never meant to hurt you," he muttered into her shoulder.
"I know, Vaughn, it's okay, it's okay," she said softly, her tone soothing. "Now you know why I wanted to distance you from this," she muttered, causing Vaughn to pull away suddenly to look into her face.
"No, Syd. Never. I may have reacted badly and I may hate hearing this more than anything, but there is no way I would let you go through this without me. I told you I would be with you every step. I meant it."
Sydney managed a small smile through her tears. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me yet. Here comes the difficult part," Vaughn warned. He paused then, reaching out to brush a few strands of hair behind her ear. "I want to know everything. Whatever the doctor told you today, I want to know. I don't want you to feel the need to keep anything from me. I want to stay completely informed."
Sydney looked surprised for a moment, but quickly suppressed it as she nodded. "Okay," she agreed. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
Vaughn visibly hesitated before he was able to find his voice again. "How long?" He asked simply.
"It's impossible to say really... but Dr. Anderson doesn't think it'll be more than a couple of months," Sydney replied.
"Did he tell you what to expect?" Vaughn asked, softer this time.
Sydney nodded. "He gave me a basic idea. He said that, um... that for a while, I would basically experience a mix of good days and bad days. I'll start getting weaker as my body shuts down. I may, at some point, lose my ability to see or speak. I could start to lose my memory. Eventually, I'll go to sleep and slip into a coma. And then... it'll be over."
Vaughn was suddenly having trouble looking at her, hearing what the rest of her life was to be like. It all sounded so natural, her body gradually shutting down, bit by bit. But it wasn't natural, he thought angrily. It wasn't natural for a woman, once so vibrant and healthy, to die before she could get married, have children, and grow old. It wasn't natural for him to have someone he loved so much taken from him so suddenly. Nothing about this situation was natural.
"So you're done with treatment for good?" Vaughn asked, trying to change the direction his thoughts were taking.
"For good," she confirmed.
"You know, your father's going to e-mail us again soon to ask for an update on your condition. How do you want to handle that?"
"God, I hadn't thought about that. Um..." she trailed off, thinking. She suddenly stood up, somewhat violently, and started pacing back and forth. "God, I hate this! It's not right! I can't even tell my father in person that I'm dying! I have to do it over e-mail or a carefully planned phone call. This is *not* how it's supposed to be, Vaughn!"
Vaughn stood up then and gathered her into his arms, relieved to finally see some kind of reaction from her. "I know it's not. In my mind, none of this is supposed to be happening. But we'll work through it, day by day. We'll figure it out," he assured her.
"Do you think there's a chance I'll make it home?" She asked against his shoulder.
"Now that Dixon's passed his test, who knows what he'll have access to. We could make huge advances, hopefully enough to take them down. I think there's definitely a chance. And I'm sure everyone will do everything they can to make it happen."
She looked up at him then, her arms still around him. His feelings for her were so plainly stamped across his face and it made her smile. "I love you," she whispered to him. He smiled through the tears she could see shimmering in his eyes and brought his hand to her face.
"I love you, too, Syd. Always. That'll never change," he assured her. She smiled again.
"You're my immortality."
To be continued.
A/N: Ok please don't kill me! All I have to say is she's not dead until she's dead. If/when she dies, then you can say whatever you like, but don't make any assumptions yet, just keep reading. But please let me know what you thought regardless of how disappointed I'm sure you all were with the test results. Even if you hated it, please review! Now that I actually have some time on my hands, reviews really will make me write faster. No more two or three week gaps I hope. Anyway, hope you liked the chapters! Can't wait to hear your reviews, I really missed them in the craziness of the last few weeks. Thanks for reading!
Author: SydGillyKC
Author's note: I swear I started this chapter with the intent to get it up before the graduation whirlwind started, but I didn't get a chance to finish it. I had a party Wednesday with my friends and our families, Thursday for the tennis team, Friday after graduation was the school's all night party, Saturday I slept all day, Sunday was my party running over to Monday after which I dropped my friend off at the airport and went to my last acting class, Tuesday I left for NH with my two friends and just got back Friday night. I set straight to work on Saturday. It's just been really crazy. But I have 16 days now until I move to Los Angeles. I don't start college until the end of August, but my mom and I have to move out there early because there's a manager who I auditioned for, and he wants me out there early to start auditioning and getting settled with an agency (I want to be an actress if you can't tell lol). So hopefully I can write a bunch over these next two weeks when I'm not packing. And we'll see what the situation is when I get out there. Just keep reading these notes, and I'll keep you updated. Thanks for patiently waiting guys! Hope you like the chapter!
* * * * * * * * * * * *
"Syd! Your dad just e-mailed us. Dixon passed his test," Vaughn announced anxiously, walking over to the bed. He sat on the edge, facing her. She didn't seem to want to meet his eyes, though. "Syd?" He asked tentatively.
She looked up suddenly. His good news about Dixon was instantly forgotten. His focus now was solely on the tears that were pooling in her eyes.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Chapter 25: The End of the Road
"Syd," he whispered, reaching out to touch her face. "What's wrong?"
She managed a small smile at how quickly his excitement had turned to concern. "Dixon passed his test?" She asked.
"Yes, but don't try to change the subject," he said firmly. She sighed and looked down, wiping her eyes. She looked back into his eyes, this time with a clear and serious expression.
"We need to talk," she said softly. Vaughn suddenly felt like the room was closing in on him and breathing started to become difficult.
"Okay," he choked out.
"Vaughn," she said, hesitating and looking away from him again. He reached out and took both of her hands in his larger ones, encouraging her to continue. She looked back up at him and sighed.
"The results came back," she said simply. Vaughn felt as if a fist were around his heart, squeezing tightly.
"I thought they wouldn't be back until tomorrow," Vaughn said, confused.
"They weren't supposed to be. But the preliminary tests revealed enough that the other results weren't really important anymore," Sydney explained.
"What- what did they say?" Vaughn forced himself to ask. Sydney paused, looking straight into his eyes.
"That there are cancerous cells in my bone marrow."
Vaughn felt the fist around his heart move to punch him in the stomach, leaving him winded. He shut his eyes against the pain he felt and bit his lip. Hard. He took a few deep breaths before he was able to look at her again.
"Bone marrow transplant?" He asked, knowing that was the next likely step.
"Normally, yes....but not for me," she replied.
"Why not?" Vaughn asked, eyes wide, voice frantic.
"Do you remember the other day, Vaughn? When I had that knot in my back?" She asked. He nodded wordlessly. "Well, it wasn't a knot. It was a tumor. And it's close to my spinal cord. Removing it would likely mean paralysis."
"And you'd prefer being dead?" Vaughn asked angrily.
"Even if I wanted to make that choice, Vaughn, the tumor in my brain isn't any better. In fact, Dr. Anderson thinks the more extensive results will reveal that it's grown. There's nothing anyone can do anymore. It's over," she finished in a whisper. She watched the look on his face change from anger to a look of pain as if he'd been physically stricken. Seeing that tugged at her heart. She reached out to touch his face. She saw a tear fall from his eyes before he pulled away suddenly.
"Syd, no. I won't accept it! There *has* to be something they can do! You can't just give up like that!" He shouted, his eyes wild.
"Vaughn, stop. Please. Listen to what I'm saying. I'm not giving up, Vaughn. I'm accepting the inevitable. Because no matter how much I want to believe otherwise, I'm dying... And I need you to accept that too."
Vaughn shook his head vehemently. "I won't! I can't sit here and watch you give up, Syd. I won't do it!" He didn't look at her as he got up and stormed out of the room, leaving Sydney by herself. The only thing she felt through her numbness at that moment was the feeling of tears falling down her cheeks.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Weiss pulled in late that afternoon and was surprised to see Vaughn sitting on the edge of the porch. Weiss parked and quickly got out of the car. He knew Vaughn had been instructed to avoid going outside in the daytime if he could help it. As Weiss got closer, though, his intended reminder died on his lips. He could see that Vaughn's eyes were red-rimmed and the look on his face made Weiss stop dead in his tracks.
"Mike?" Weiss asked cautiously. Vaughn looked up at him, but didn't say anything. Weiss walked over and sat next to him. "What's going on?"
Vaughn sighed and wiped his eyes. "It's Syd," he said, his voice thick.
"Of course it is. What's going on now? Is she back into her distant mode? Did you fight?" Weiss asked. Vaughn shook his head.
"If only it were one of those, Eric," Vaughn said wistfully.
"What do you mean? What is it?" Weiss asked, worried by Vaughn's words.
"The results came back," Vaughn said simply.
"This early?" Weiss asked.
"Apparently the preliminary results told them all they needed to know," Vaughn replied, somewhat bitterly.
"And I'm guessing they weren't good."
Vaughn paused, letting the silence hang over them for what seemed like an eternity before he finally forced himself to utter the words he'd spent the last few hours trying to convince himself weren't actually true.
"She's dying."
Vaughn watched the look of shock spread over Weiss's face.
"What?! You mean the treatment didn't work?" Vaughn shook his head. "Well then there has to be something else they can try!"
"The cancer's in her bone marrow," Vaughn told him.
"Well can't they-"
"And there's a tumor in her back," Vaughn said, cutting Weiss off. "It's inoperable."
"Oh God. Oh God, no. Mike... I am so sorry," Weiss said, his own voice breaking.
"I don't know what to do, Eric," Vaughn said honestly, tears rising again in his eyes.
"How did she take it?" Weiss asked.
"Better than I did. She seemed to accept the news. I went crazy. I accused her of giving up. I just... I can't sit around and watch her die, Eric. I can't do it."
"Well then you leave her to do it alone," Weiss reasoned, making him realize the true meaning of what he was saying. "I hate to say it, Mike, but if you really love her... you don't have much of a choice."
Vaughn sighed in defeat. "You're right. Of course you're right," he said, throwing his hands up in exasperation. "I just don't know how to do this. I don't even know if I *can* do this."
"Well then I'm sure you're both in the same boat," Weiss said. Vaughn nodded in understanding, a solitary tear falling silently down his face. "I hate it too, Mike. I never loved her like you did, but I've always considered her a friend. She's an amazing person. I was hoping that it didn't come down to this just like you were."
Vaughn again nodded. "I know," was all he could manage around the lump in his throat.
"You should talk to her. If you have to go through this, at least you can do it together," Weiss reasoned.
"I know. I will," Vaughn agreed. "I just-"
"Need some time," Weiss finished for him.
"Just to sort through things so that I don't lose it again," Vaughn explained. Weiss nodded and got up.
"Just don't take too long. I'm sure she'll be looking for you eventually," Weiss said before going inside.
Vaughn sighed and dropped his head into his hands, wishing he could will himself back into a time when his biggest worry was coming up with the most effective counter-mission for his agent while attempting not to fall hopelessly in love with her.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
Vaughn ventured inside to eat something sometime in the evening, but found himself sitting back out on the porch as he watched the sky grow dark. He was unaware of how long he sat outside before he heard the boards on the porch creek behind him. He turned and saw Sydney standing there, her favorite robe tied tightly over her pajamas to ward off the cold. He couldn't help but stare at her. Her face was not that of a dying woman. If a stranger were to pass her on the street, they may only give her a second glance because of her beauty. No one would ever guess that a battle was being waged inside her body. For a moment, he desperately wanted to be one of those strangers who didn't have a clue.
"I thought I might find you out here," she said tentatively, breaking his train of thought.
"Yeah, I just needed to get out for a little while. And this is as far as I'm allowed to go," he explained. She nodded slowly, obviously afraid that he may go off again.
"Mind if I sit?" She asked, her voice almost nervous. Vaughn shook his head and Sydney walked over and sat next to him, careful to keep about a foot of distance between them.
"How are you?" Vaughn asked sincerely.
"I'm, um, okay, I guess. Kind of numb," she replied. "How are *you*?"
Vaughn sighed. "I'm really regretting the way I reacted actually. I'm so sorry for blowing up at you, Syd. I wasn't really angry at you, I just- I just didn't want to believe it. And my anger at the situation unfortunately got directed at you. I didn't mean a word of it, Syd."
"I know you didn't, Vaughn," she whispered, wiping tears from her eyes.
"I don't want to lose you, Syd. I don't know how to let you go," Vaughn admitted tearfully. Sydney responded to the admission in the only way she could. She reached out and held him. He clung to her in return as if he couldn't possibly hold her close enough. "I'm so sorry, Syd. I never meant to hurt you," he muttered into her shoulder.
"I know, Vaughn, it's okay, it's okay," she said softly, her tone soothing. "Now you know why I wanted to distance you from this," she muttered, causing Vaughn to pull away suddenly to look into her face.
"No, Syd. Never. I may have reacted badly and I may hate hearing this more than anything, but there is no way I would let you go through this without me. I told you I would be with you every step. I meant it."
Sydney managed a small smile through her tears. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me yet. Here comes the difficult part," Vaughn warned. He paused then, reaching out to brush a few strands of hair behind her ear. "I want to know everything. Whatever the doctor told you today, I want to know. I don't want you to feel the need to keep anything from me. I want to stay completely informed."
Sydney looked surprised for a moment, but quickly suppressed it as she nodded. "Okay," she agreed. "I'll tell you whatever you want to know."
Vaughn visibly hesitated before he was able to find his voice again. "How long?" He asked simply.
"It's impossible to say really... but Dr. Anderson doesn't think it'll be more than a couple of months," Sydney replied.
"Did he tell you what to expect?" Vaughn asked, softer this time.
Sydney nodded. "He gave me a basic idea. He said that, um... that for a while, I would basically experience a mix of good days and bad days. I'll start getting weaker as my body shuts down. I may, at some point, lose my ability to see or speak. I could start to lose my memory. Eventually, I'll go to sleep and slip into a coma. And then... it'll be over."
Vaughn was suddenly having trouble looking at her, hearing what the rest of her life was to be like. It all sounded so natural, her body gradually shutting down, bit by bit. But it wasn't natural, he thought angrily. It wasn't natural for a woman, once so vibrant and healthy, to die before she could get married, have children, and grow old. It wasn't natural for him to have someone he loved so much taken from him so suddenly. Nothing about this situation was natural.
"So you're done with treatment for good?" Vaughn asked, trying to change the direction his thoughts were taking.
"For good," she confirmed.
"You know, your father's going to e-mail us again soon to ask for an update on your condition. How do you want to handle that?"
"God, I hadn't thought about that. Um..." she trailed off, thinking. She suddenly stood up, somewhat violently, and started pacing back and forth. "God, I hate this! It's not right! I can't even tell my father in person that I'm dying! I have to do it over e-mail or a carefully planned phone call. This is *not* how it's supposed to be, Vaughn!"
Vaughn stood up then and gathered her into his arms, relieved to finally see some kind of reaction from her. "I know it's not. In my mind, none of this is supposed to be happening. But we'll work through it, day by day. We'll figure it out," he assured her.
"Do you think there's a chance I'll make it home?" She asked against his shoulder.
"Now that Dixon's passed his test, who knows what he'll have access to. We could make huge advances, hopefully enough to take them down. I think there's definitely a chance. And I'm sure everyone will do everything they can to make it happen."
She looked up at him then, her arms still around him. His feelings for her were so plainly stamped across his face and it made her smile. "I love you," she whispered to him. He smiled through the tears she could see shimmering in his eyes and brought his hand to her face.
"I love you, too, Syd. Always. That'll never change," he assured her. She smiled again.
"You're my immortality."
To be continued.
A/N: Ok please don't kill me! All I have to say is she's not dead until she's dead. If/when she dies, then you can say whatever you like, but don't make any assumptions yet, just keep reading. But please let me know what you thought regardless of how disappointed I'm sure you all were with the test results. Even if you hated it, please review! Now that I actually have some time on my hands, reviews really will make me write faster. No more two or three week gaps I hope. Anyway, hope you liked the chapters! Can't wait to hear your reviews, I really missed them in the craziness of the last few weeks. Thanks for reading!