Hello, all you wonderful, lovely encouraging people!

I want to thank you all so much! It truly moves me in an inspiring and staggering way, to read all your reviews! I love reading them and knowing the shock, or horror some of you have felt over the situation. I decided to go with something a bit different, I may have failed, but if so, I'm hoping you will forgive me. Fanfiction's about unleashing whatever our minds conjure up after all, so I let my mind go while attempting to write this one. I really hope it doesn't come as badly written, or a complete disappointment, as I truly admire and love you guys to the moon, you're all sweet and nice and I'd hate to let you down!

I just wanted to get into Edward's head (and hopefully, give you all a bit of insight into how he felt throughout certain events in the story- and into what happens next). The ending is a bit vague, but it will be more vivid and descriptive next chapter with Bella.

Feel free to let me know your thoughts. Hate? Like? You can even tell me you hate me, if you feel it necessary! x

EDWARD:

My father presented me this journal as an outlet twenty years ago. Funny thing is, I found it just this morning. Carlisle was, in fact, right- as usual. A mental outlet is just what I need.

Something extraordinary happened to me today. Can you believe it? On my lunch break after my morning shift in the office, I decided to take a ride downtown, just to view the sights. The road was slick and wet with rain, I was going slower than usual, I couldn't risk crashing my beloved car. Well, I went down one long straight street, it seemed random at the time, but thinking back to it, I think there was something almost there in the air, pulling me down that path of road like metal to a magnet. Guess what I saw? Or, more aptly, who I saw walking down the street. I saw her today. I had seen her previously in some of Alice's visions, yes, but nothing was quite as vivid and bountiful as seeing her in the flesh before my very own eyes. It was certainly a heart-in-mouth moment, I almost crashed my car, I was that shaken up over it.

I decided the timing wasn't right, though. It wasn't the appropriate time; I was all worked up from an altercation with a client this morning, but I have high hopes that if I take the same route tomorrow morning, I will see her again.

She's so naïve, so innocent, it takes my breath away. I have a feeling I can say anything and do anything, and she won't get suspicious. I made up some nonsense about why my circulation wasn't running properly, and she soaked it up without question. It makes things a heck of a lot easier. This time will be different, I can tell. I just have this feeling inside; I can feel it in my bones.

Everything went incredibly bad tonight. Bad, bad, bad. Everything went wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen, but it did.

Bella and I had gone to a party tonight with that ridiculous boy from her school. I felt really ill once we arrived there. Everything was pouring out; all these thoughts. Some about Bella in her dress. The Michael boy thought some pretty crude things about her. Real improper, and perverted. He had a vivid imagination, too, though, at the time, I couldn't judge whether it was purely imagination or not. I got an image of them standing around at what resembled the locker bay at her school. There were no students around, no teachers, just them two. And then he thought about kissing her, it seemed so real, the way he presented the image inside his head. So, it got me slightly paranoid. Well, all right. More than slightly.

I felt terrible when I got a gashing blow into his nose and the side of his temple due to it. It was just wrong, and disgusting, the way he thought of my Bella like that. It disgusted me, turned my stomach. I truly felt on the verge of doing something dangerous to him, probably not as dangerous as what was running through my mind when it happened. I literally wanted to murder him, but luckily, I had on myself a decent amount of control. Murdering a school kid in front of over a hundred students probably wouldn't look good for me. Nor for Bella in the way she thought of me. But turned out, hitting him was equal to murdering him in her reasoning.

It really wasn't something I was intending to happen, it's probably been the most miserable day of my existence. And Bella, poor Bella, I was wrong when I assumed I could very nearly say and do anything, and she'll forgive me, she won't get suspicious. It didn't turn out that way at all, it turned out awfully different from I had expected. Everything was so dreadful. I had blood on my hands, everywhere. Bella was shaken up real bad, real pale in the face, and the scream she made, I don't think I'll ever forget the sound of it. Well, we stood there at the party, everything was so horrible and silent, silent as an apocalyptic night. She wouldn't even look at me, no less. I felt more and more ashamed of myself by the minute, especially when the cops and ambulance arrived. But, hey? What can I possibly say?

This is who I am. And while I may be filled with aching regrets, you can't change time and alter it. I did what I did tonight. It made me feel sick and trembling when her father arrived to pick her up, she didn't want my offer for a ride home. She just doesn't want to talk to me. I texted her tonight, and I got no response. I texted her again, and still, no response. It was the worst feeling in the world.

So, afterwards, I'm sitting here at home in the dark writing in this journal. I can't be bothered turning on the lights, no less- I feel too terrible, so full of shame. And that look on her face, something has altered in regards to me. But it wasn't my fault, it's just the way I am, this drive I have inside of me to protect her. No excuses for it, I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. It's a bit hard though, when the awareness that I've hurt her so deeply over my actions is screaming at me every second of the hour. It makes it intolerable because I know she's upset, since she won't respond to my messages. What can I say? I was a different me tonight. For some time, I've been sitting here in the dark, knowing full well she despises me in some sense over the violence I displayed tonight at the party. But what can I possibly say? I can't change time.

I'm feeling pretty angry. I've sent her at least over ten texts, and its been over a week, and STILL no response from her whatsoever. In some ways, I feel confused. In a sense, I just don't know what I did wrong. In another, I get it completely.

I've probably scared her away. She probably feels I'm such a freak- and I am, in the logical aspect of things.

I couldn't work the whole day, I had to take the day off early. Because my mind wouldn't absorb all the facts it had to. It just kept at it, replaying what happened that night at the party, and how terrible Bella looked at me the way she had. It kept on coming back, especially when I was talking to a client. I would be there right in the moment, next second, there I would be, standing there, asking her for some reassurance because I don't quite understand how she's feeling or whether we're on the same page or not, and then, somehow... the chaos hits the fan. The way I acted, in punching the boy at her school, the way he fell back into a few students, then the way he came at me and landed a pretty forceful blow that had no affect on me whatsoever. I can't help but wonder what she thinks of what happened, of what she thinks of me. It is unfair how the days still pass, how the suns comes up the next morning. Because I would rather sit in darkness forever.

I went to her school today, I just couldn't resist. Maybe I shouldn't have, because it only made me so mad. She completely disregarded me, like we never happened, and kept on walking past my car. I kind of wish I hadn't ever made the decision to see her today, it only makes me feel even more infuriated. When I watched her walk straight past my car, I felt I could have done anything. I could have screamed at her at the top of my lungs, got down on my knees begging for her forgiveness, only -luckily for me- I had more dignity than that. It just annoys me, though.

I need to see her, perhaps for my own selfish reasons. I need to be around her again, but only she clearly doesn't want that.

Still, every time she ignores me, it makes me acknowledge something from deep inside.

Everything I am... all that I am... my composure, my patience, is slipping.

Saw her again today, parked right across the street. More progress today, as she stared at me. For a moment there, I thought she had finally at true last found it within herself to forgive me. I was wrong.

It's like I mean nothing to her, when she means absolutely everything to me. She's given me reason to live, she's my everything. The highlight of my days, was seeing her and being around her, always. And yet she's maliciously taken it away.

I don't understand what's wrong with her, I don't understand how it works for her and not for me. It's almost as if there is something inside of me... absent, gone missing. Some significant piece that holds me all together, a loose bolt has come out that was fixed in when I was around her. I feel whole around her, and yet now, I can't have that, because she's taken herself away from me.

I didn't believe it was supposed to be this way. Why is it so easy for her, so simple and, for me, such torture? Perhaps it is something I will never understand, though. After all, there is only so little Carlisle explained to me. I don't feel right in asking him about it, though. It's too degrading. I suppose I'll try have to figure it out on my own.

She didn't reply to another text. It's left me feeling so incredibly angry. I could do anything in my desperation, anything at this moment in time is possible. I could even possibly kill her, grab her and never let go, assert my place to her. I could almost imagine how it would go now:

"Bella, this is the way it is. You can't ignore me forever." Haha. Inside joke is: Forever is there for me. One hundred years for her. I'll be sticking around way longer, she would have began to crack eventually by then surely). Still, imagining that, asserting my position, holding control over her, it gave me the most lingering sense of satisfaction building within. All I did later was because of that thought.

She was stupid. Of course, not really stupid. Just idiotic and plain naive, I've decided. How can she assume she'll get rid of me so easily? I almost laugh whenever I think about it, because I know that it's truly what she believes. If only she knew what I truly was, who I truly am... what she is to me. I feel like I hate her in a sense, which isn't really true at all. I couldn't possibly hate her just... love and resent over how she keeps on ignoring me. I also feel now she has certain similarities in regards to the others which I hate(who were not my mate, which is another reason why I can't comprehend how its so easy for her). The others shunned me away, called me disgusting, and we all know how bad that turned out for them (Well, between you and me anyway, Private Journal O'Mine). I well and truly lost control back then. It was beyond preventing. I thought love was about accepting someone, their flaws and all? I sure could do that for others. But they couldn't for me. I wasn't enough for them.

Being with them in full totality, was more than enough for me. Never for them. All they automatically see is blood drinking and disgusting violence, appalling horror-show notions. I think it's the tale of Dracula that spurred on that false judgement though. I'm not a monster, at least I try not to be. I try to mingle with humans, no matter how awkward it is when I know very well I'm putting up pretense to act among them, to blend and fit in. I'm basically still human, I have all the components a normal human being has. I.e; flesh, an (nonfunctioning) heart. While it mightn't work effectively, it's still there, stuck frozen inside me.

Oddly enough, every day that goes on by where she ignores me, I feel my... humanity is slipping in a sense. It's a frightening sensation. Everyday it reduces into anger, and enragement. She doesn't even know what I truly am, and already she's so quick to shun me away.

Everything worked out according to plan. I did it. I finally did it. I asserted my position, I made it very clear I wasn't going to disappear anytime soon, and that everything has to return to the way it once was for us. I may have overreacted and been a far bit too forceful, but by now I feel my sanity is long gone. Its teetering on the edge of the cliff (if there even is one) and the only one in power who can wring me back, is her.

Let's hope this works out. If it doesn't, then I don't know what I'll do. I've realized, at this point, that I'm capable of anything.

Success.

Bella inside my apartment right as I write (in bathroom doing heaven knows what). It appears she liked the my theatrical attempt in wooing her; Flowers, candle-lit room. This may very well be the beautiful big moment I've been waiting for with her all along. Even as I write this, I can't think straight. My nerves are going haywire over what's impending very, very soon. In a few minutes in fact. I'll write again soon (I can hear Bella opening my bathroom drawers).

I screwed up, I failed.

Turns out, she is just like the others. The human girls. Exactly like Irina, and T (who was luckily spared. Cannot say the same for the former, the bloody mishap, however.)

I feel more angry than I've ever been in my entire century. Like lethally angry. Like I don't know what I'll do, but I feel practically capable of anything right now. I thought writing in here would help, it hasn't. It just makes brewing over it that much difficult to let go. I don't know what to do. I have no one to turn to (At least, not that I know of). My brains gone a bit hazy, I can't think coherently right now.

I've made the decision. I just can't get what we did out of my mind, even if it wasn't the same for her as for me. I felt whole, everything was warm, especially being inside her the way I was (in body). I want to feel it again, and again, and yet I can't. She's taken herself away- again. She ran out in her disgust. I'm now back to the same feelings as before, that I resent her for being so judgmental and alike the others, and yet still my heart swells up with being and love whenever I think of that look on her face when I made her feel it.

It was there. I made her feel it. The glorious heaven, while she lay there with her hair splayed out on the pillow, flushed and beatific. We move slow and gentle, me inside her, soft and wet and amazingly warm it warmed my entire being. It made her feel it. So, why isn't that enough?

And when I watched her run out all because of me, I knew then it would never be the same. I would never feel the same. I will never love the same for another, not even though she's gone, she's repelled. In between everything I felt, the turmoil, the wanting within to stop her, to do something terrible to assert my position, I knew it. It was the absolute lightbulb moment for me, something I was ultimately repressing.

I will never love another- even if it kills me. Not physically, but mentally. Always mentally along with her absence and disgust.

There is only Bella forever. Having her, finally having every part of her, only made it all resurface and gave me a clear understanding. There is no other. No other in sight, or mind. There is just Bella. Bella. Inside Bella, warm and willing. Outside Bella, appalled and frightened and scampering down along the hallway, like some old horror movie where the woman reels in disgust at the disgraceful, haunted monster who lives and breathes everything her.

Though she reacted much alike the others all those years ago, it made it all clear. Everything was vivid, everything comprehensible to me. She knows what I really am now. It appalls her, sickens her. And yet, that love is still there. It still runs bone-deep. It won't ever go away. Not ever. No amount of displays on her end of hatred or fear will ever change it. It exists, and will resume existing until my very last days.

That is something she probably won't ever understand.

But there are ways. There are ways, if I be real pragmatic about it. You cannot truly understand, unless you walk and be in someone else's footsteps. And it can be done. It will be done.

I've made the ultimate decision, one that will risk everything. I don't care, though. Risking it all- for her- it is necessary. All necessary. Jail-time for doing it, whatever. You will find that when you've lived as long as I have, another thirty odd years isn't troublesome or deterring in the slightest.

It all doesn't matter to me. The realistic outcome of doing such a thing is inconsequential for me. I just need for her to understand. I know it will help more if she completely understands what I am going through (and that is something I'm not quite sure of the mechanics of, I've never asked Carlisle about it, after all. So many things I've never enquired about into being what I am). But there is time for that later. What I need now, is patience.

All good things come to those who wait. I can wait a little longer, certainly. We can try it the simplistic way; If I be around her long enough and try to explain by mouth, hopefully she will understand enough then. I only need her to give me a long enough moment to fully explain it so she comprehends. It'll be hard- I've never been good with words. Hopefully, they will be sufficient enough.

If not, oh well. There's always the last, desperate measure I can take. Last resort, of course.

It's strange how you can find out, in your most despaired moments, just what you're truly capable of. And I was capable of a whole lot when it comes to her, it occurred to me.

Some might say I am lucky for what I am. It presents me everything I need, it renders other unlike me powerless. And she was much the same. She was such putty in my hands. It didn't turn out the way I'd planned- I had called up a few distance acquaintances who took the matter a little too far for my liking- but it still worked regardless. All in all, a good late afternoons work, I believe. Still, I would have prefered it transpired differently. But I had got her, and that was all that mattered to me.

In fact, she sits in the seat next to me. She's unconscious, due to James, but I can hear her still breathing, loud and clear. Her heart too. Thump, thump. I used to hear her heart beating when talking to her, I almost lost my head each and every time. There was just something so endearing about the sound, it just made me happy, hearing it come from her. It was beautiful, music. But it also presented itself a few curses; When I never really knew her all that well at first, on our first date, I would hear it, distracting me, throughout our conversations, and I felt so unsure of what to do, I'd pretend to concentrate and all. And then, embarrassingly, it felt like my mouth was watering, and I'd feel all self-conscious over it. It probably wasn't ever the case, though. Just trick of the mind, because she never looked disturbed at all whenever she looked at my face while it happened. I just wanted to laugh incredulously every time I was around her, my whole body would feel red over it, even though you probably couldn't tell so. I just love it, the sound of her heart going at it, thump, thump. So adorable, it just makes me laugh with glee every time, I swear.

Anyway, there is a lump on the side of her cheek- swollen, from the impact of James's rough and uncivilized ways- but it'll heal good in no time, I'm positive. It doesn't sit with me well at all, though, just knowing he did that to her. But really, the past is in the past, there was nothing I could do about it now. I suppose I could overlook that for the time being- I've got her all to myself again, I've caught her, so easily, like an exotic bird you just want to keep as a beloved and prized pet. Another precaution I had to regretfully take, was using one of my old work ties to strap her hands up real good and tight in case she decided to fight again (Which she did at her father's home, very admiringly, despite what we all are).

I guess we'll see how it all progresses later once she wakes. Cross my fingers, she takes it well. Because really, I wasn't doing this to be nasty in any way whatsoever. It wasn't out of malicious intentions, or anything horrible like that. I just wanted her to understand. Sympathize with me, in a way.

Got a real shock when she woke. She swore at me, she said a real filthy word that I never believed could come for her. Then again, she was a never-ending surprise. Frankly, that's partly why I loved her so much. Never minded though. In fact, I don't think there is anything she could ever do to upset me or anger me. Aside from taking herself away from me again, of course.

Well, really. I did speak too soon. There was in fact something she could do that would anger me and cause me to treat her infernally. I proposed to her tonight. I asked her to marry me. It's what I think I've always wanted, what I've dreamed of since we started dating. I used to picture it a lot, how it would be with her, though of course, a little differently. She would be the same as I. We would be the same. I even had my mother's ring out and everything. She completely and utterly ruined it, it pained me. She feigned everything; She agreed to it, under some silly precondition she invented about seeing her father beforehand. I knew what she truly meant by that; She was only doing it under pretense, agreeing just so that once I did oblige her in her wish, she could turn on me. She would have probably laughed in my face. "Ha ha. You are so blind. I never honestly wanted it, I only wanted to trick you. And you fell for it so easily, because I'm your only weakness." Only, luckily, I knew she was pretending. I had studied her face and grown to know the art behind her looks properly enough. I could tell whenever she was lying, or when she was being true. This was another one of those times.

At first, I believed her, I got the false hope she was being true. But then I heard the way her voice cracked, and saw the way she quickly averted her eyes, and I knew then. Oh, yes. I knew.

She could be cunning when she wanted to be.

I reacted out of impulse, because she was probably internally sneering inside over it. But then when I blubbered out a few hurtful things- as I find I usually do, in the heat of the moment, when left feeling betrayed- she actually fell to her knees, like she was pleading with me to calm down because I was frightening her. It was meant to be well-intended, sincerely. I only wanted to show her what she believed, I was only pretending to be what she expected and most likely viewed me as.

Only things continued to go terribly wrong from there.

I did it, just then. I took the last final measure, the last leap; the drastic one. She struggled and fought so hard, it was splendid. For a human her weight and size, plus with her hands bound by my belt, she fought me off very convincingly. Now I have to go wash my hands, and my face. Everything is all sticky, stringy... wet. I keep getting it everywhere; On my shirt, on the page I'm writing on to you now, Journal. I'm excited, though. I'm so incredibly excited and ecstatic for what's to unfold. As for now, I'll have to sit and wait.

Besides I believe listening to her heart while it happens is the best part.

I know you'll probably hate me, but I've always been intrigued by psychotic, obsessed people in films (their actions, etc). I tried to base Edward around that. I understand if its quite disturbing hehe. Hopefully you'll still want more? Love you all x