For Brittany.

Keeping Strong
Chapter 25: I'm With You

Sango swirled her cup of tea, watching the steam dissipate into the air. She had spent the afternoon alone – the boys going to play at a friend's house, Kagome visiting Inuyasha on his day off, and their mothers off doing adult things they kept hushed behind closed doors (most likely involving attorneys if she had to guess) – and it had given her some time to think. She leaned against the wall and stared at the boxes mocking her from the other side of the living room. They had been sitting there nearly a week; ever since the boys and Ms. Higurashi had returned from Sango's childhood home and left them there. Her mom and brother had already unpacked some of their things; necessities tucked neatly away in the space the Higurashi's had provided them. So far, Sango had been borrowing clothes from Kagome. No one had pressured her into unpacking the boxes from her room, allowing her to do it when she was ready, but each time she passed by on her way to the kitchen, her eyes strayed to the black ink scrawled on the side of each box.

Sango's room.

She chewed the inside of her cheek, heart and mind waging a battle. Although she loved Kagome's generosity in sharing her closet, she rather missed her athletic clothes, and it'd be nice to have more than one pair of shoes again. Kagome's petite frame made her shoes two sizes too small for Sango, leaving her with the pair of gym shoes she had worn the night she ended up in the hospital.

And even Sango, who loved playing softball more than going to the mall, needed a new pair of shoes.

"Okay," she murmured to herself, sipping on her tea and working up the courage to unbox what was left of her old life.

She walked over and kneeled down in front of the boxes, setting her cup beside her. She slowly peeled open the packing tape and gazed into the first box, the scent of home greeting her as her eyes fell on patterned cloth simultaneously. The first few boxes held her clothes from her dresser and closet, and as she went through them, she carefully pulled out a few outfits and pajamas before pushing the rest to the side.

It took her nearly two hours to slowly go through what remained – frames filled with pictures from her childhood carefully wrapped in tissue paper, old softball trophies and ribbons, stuffed animals she hadn't touched since she was in her crib. Each one brought back a memory, causing her lips to pull into a smile and tears to glaze her eyes.

When she finally got to the last box, she pulled it open and immediately froze. A hot sense of realization came over her, tears unbidden springing to her eyes, and a hard lump stuck in her throat. The room spun and suddenly felt too tight as she squatted on the floor, trying to make everything slow to something her brain and body could cope with. She felt sick.

There, still wrapped in shopping bags with receipts, were the baby clothes her and Kagome had picked out at the mall months ago. Her hands trembling, Sango carefully pulled open the bags to be greeted with yellow and grey onesies, little socks to match, and even a bib that said "Sweet as can Bee" with a buzzing insect carefully stitched in.

She had been robbed. All the baby giggles she had yet to hear, all the steps her baby had yet to take, all the bedtime stories she had yet to tell. It had all been taken from her. In a single breath of night air, after all the fight had left her, she had lost so much.

And she crumbled to the floor, clutching a onesie to her chest as she sobbed, hot tears rushing down her cheeks. All the quiet nights of grieving over the past week came out full force, howls of anguish echoing off the emptiness of the house. Her stomach clenched, her throat raw with her cries, her entire body quivering.

The clothes she grasped so tightly proved that everything that happened over the last year, every bit of happiness and grief… It was all real. It was all true. And for so long she had felt that it had been just a dream, just some silly nightmare she finally woke up from. But… she remembered. The feel of her baby kicking, the heart that beat from within. All the plans and excitement she had finally been preparing for those last few weeks. All of it was gone.

Sango wasn't sure how long she lay on the floor mourning, but the next thing she knew, the front door opened, bringing the voices of her mother and Ms. Higurashi coming home. She immediately found the will to silence her grief, her cries quieting to hiccups, her tears roughly brushed away.

"Sango?" her mother called, voice drawing near as the found her way to the living room. When her eyes fell on the quiet destruction of her daughter, a pang of guilt washed through her. "Oh, Sango…"

"I'm fine," she quickly dismissed, packing the onesie back inside its box and climbing to her feet, combing hands through her disheveled hair. "I'm okay."

Naomi gazed at her daughter, sympathy in her eyes. "You weren't supposed to go through those yet…"

Sango flashed an unconvincing smile. "It's not a big deal. Really, I'm fine. It needed to be done."

"Sango," her mother tried again.

"I'm going to take a shower." She pushed passed her mother and a concerned Ms. Higurashi, before hurrying upstairs.

The door of the bathroom firmly shut behind her, her hand around the knob began to blur through the tears that welled in her eyes. She leaned her forehead against the frame, willing her body to stop shaking, the pain lodged in her throat to melt away.

She finally found the strength to step over and turn on the water. The white noise of the shower shedding billions of tears filled her ears, and a thick cloud of steam began to escape from behind the shower curtain. Stripping herself, she climbed into the tub to promptly slide to her knees, her body beginning to wrack itself with sobs.

A mix of tears and water streamed down her face. She cried viciously, her stomach tumbling with nausea. Her hand covered her mouth to quiet the hiccupping, but it didn't work. She didn't even hear the bathroom door open.

Suddenly, Sango was joined by the sound of another person crying. Her mother slid down beside her outside of the tub, reaching out to clutch her daughter's hand as the two sobbed breathlessly.

"I know, baby girl," Naomi gasped for air in the steamy room. "I know."

This made Sango begin to sob harder, the sound of choking cries echoing off the bathroom walls to sound like thunder rolling in on a dark night. She couldn't breathe, she was wheezing too hard.

The shower continued to run as the two sat, holding each other at arm's length. Their matching red eyes, swollen from tears, finally caught each other. Her mother tried to smile, but it didn't work. It only served to further crumble the remaining walls Sango barely had standing.

But sometimes, walls are simply far too broken to be repaired, and starting over is the only way to mend what once was.

-KS-

The grass moved in a steady rhythmic pace, the green leaves shifting above her as calming as harbor waves. There was something about it, their movement synchronized yet independent, their hues so close yet unique. And as they danced, they were accompanied by the chirping of birds awakening with the sun, content to be warmed by the early rays.

Sango breathed deeply, the scent of late summer rolling into early autumn alive in the air. She curled her hands tighter around her cup of tea, the warmth just enough to shy away the slight chill in the air. Out here, before the rest of the world awakened, she was able to sit peacefully and let her mind wander. She felt the inner joy of anticipating the autumn colors, and remembered how much she loved the reds and golds. Yet, she felt the rich browns had a homey feel, something of the earth which stood so steady.

She thought of when those changes would come – perhaps as early as next week. Even though part of her dreaded the colder months ahead, the larger part of her looked forward to change. It was funny really. A couple weeks ago she would have been buried under the blanket trying to hide from the inevitable change that was coming. Change meant the passing of time, which meant more time she had lost with her son.

Movement in the corner of her eyes caught her attention, and she looked over to see Miroku climbing the shrine steps. "Good morning!" he called, raising a hand in greeting.

"Good morning yourself," she said in return, smiling up at him as he took a seat on the bench beside her beneath the tall oak tree. "What are you doing in this neck of the woods so early?"

He shrugged, slipping his hands into the pockets of the light windbreaker he wore and gazing out at the shrine grounds. "I don't have to go into work until later this morning, so I figured I'd swing by and see how you were feeling."

She smiled shyly, a dust of pink coming to her cheeks, but she didn't answer him. Instead, she followed his gaze and the two sat in quiet company for a while. The thing she loved most about Miroku was his intuition. He could be a womanizer and a flirt, but somehow he always knew what she needed when. Like now, he understood she simply yearned for quiet company – that his presence alone was more than enough.

"I need to do better," she finally announced, eyes steeled with determination. "For Kohaku."

Miroku glanced over at her. "What do you mean?"

She pursed her lips thoughtfully and glanced down at her tea. "I need to be a better role model for him." Miroku was quiet for a moment, and then chuckled softly, drawing her attention. "Why is that funny?"

He shook his head, laying an arm over the bench behind her. "You have no idea how much that kid admires you, do you?"

She blinked up at him.

He grinned. "He is so proud of you. No matter what happens, he will always be in awe of his big sister, okay? So stop worrying."

Sango knitted her brows. "Are you sure? I just feel like I've failed him somehow."

Resting his free hand on her knee, he turned to look at her. "Listen to me, after everything you've been through, you are not a failure. Do you understand that? Things happen, sometimes with no rhyme or reason, but it's how we deal with them that makes us who we are. And you have overcome every obstacle and tribulation that life has thrown at you. Don't sell yourself short."

Again, she found herself blushing from his praise. Sometimes Miroku's verbiage made her want to punch him, but then he said things like this, making her heart pound in her chest. Perhaps that was what first drew her to him; his voice that could be filled with concern and say all the right things, and yet still make her laugh or want to hit him over the back of the head. From the first moment in the aftermath of rain, his voice had reached out to her, comforting her in ways she had never been.

She sipped on her tea thoughtfully, not really sure what to say to him. What kind of response could she give to that? Perhaps she was a little hard on herself. Over the past few months, she had simply told herself "I need to do better". She always needed to work a little harder, study a little more, figure out how to be a mom faster.

Sango frowned, the familiar ache gnawing at her chest. "I never got to hear him cry."

"Hm?"

She swallowed passed the hard lump in her throat. "I never saw what color his eyes were, or knew the feeling of his soft skin. I never even saw his feet kick."

Knowing that she would never be able to play with her son or rock him to sleep ravaged her heart deeply and irrevocably. That night, an integral piece was torn from her heart, a part that now kept it from working correctly.

Miroku pulled her close, letting her rest her head on his shoulder. "I can't imagine what it's been like for you," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

Sango sighed as he ran his fingers through her hair. "I know that I can't bury my sad memories under new, happier ones, but I can dream."

"You'll never lose those memories," he promised. "You'll always have Toshiro in your heart. We'll just make new memories to make the happy ones overcome the sad ones, okay?"

She nodded against him. "I just… I want to hold him, Miroku," she whimpered.

"I know."

"But…" she sniffled, pulling away and wiping a tear from her cheek. "He's my angel. My little Toshiro. And he'll forever be missed."

They shared a smile and turned their gazes toward the sunrise. As the skies turned blue with a new dawn, Miroku glanced over at the woman he had fallen for. Although he and Inuyasha had never had the easiest path in life, he had never seen adversity handled so gracefully as Sango had. He had finally come to understand that in this life, even the strongest people could still be broken, and the kindest of hearts could forever be scarred. And even though Sango's heart had been ripped in two, she still stood like she was carved of stone.

"I'm with you."

Sango turned her gaze to his, her brown hair shining in the glow of the sun.

He cupped her cheek with his hand. "No matter what else you have in your head, I'm with you and I love you."

She sighed, her eyes fluttering closed. "I love you, too."

And even though it would hurt, even though her heart ached with every beat, she knew change was inevitable. And sometimes, change was good. Perhaps that was the key to healing; never forgetting, but allowing time to move forward.

A smile tugged at her lips. The next year would be hard, but she would find the strength to manage. She always did.