Hey all! I know, I know, but better late then never, right? In my defence, work is so so busy atm and I have a virus or something and feel completely knackered like all the time, so I'm writing whenever I can. Also something inside me just needed to write If Only, so for all of you who've read that, thanks :) and thanks for all the feedback and reviews I got for it. Much appreciated :)
Thanks everyone for the review on chapter 24, I love them all as always :) and here are a couple mentions:
Riz: Yeh it doesn't always take me 3 weeks, but I hope you read If Only and liked that while I was writing this :)
Kara: It's because Admisions is rated M. Those fic's don't turn up on the recently updated page or whatever. You have to change the search preferences at the bottom to include M stories :) Glad you like it :)
KimbaLion5: Thanks for your words :) Really appreciate it.
esmeg: wow :) thanks so much! I'm glad it makes you experience the emotions as well - my hope was always to take people on a journey so it means so much to me you saying its working! Hope you enjoy this next bit.
JSkippy: Glad you enjoyed the Oliver bit, I felt he was overdue an appearance, lol.
Anyhow, here it is. Chapter 25. Be warned, it's 27 pages of A4 - hopefully that makes us for the long break!
Enjoy :)
Holly was smart. She knew this, she felt it. She remembered graduating, twice, the top of her class. Med school was a challenge, she remembered that too, but Holly also knew she thrived on it. She loved knowing things, she could soak up information like a sponge and retain all of it, quite easily one of those annoying people who knew everything about everything just because they glimpsed at a page once.
She also remembered the day she became a forensic pathologist. The day she completed her residency; the day she ran her first case. Her first crime scene. All of it was challenging but Holly came out on top. She achieved it all, and not only that she stood out whilst she did it. People came to her because she was on top of her game, David relied on her because of it and so now, due to all that, Holly was struggling.
It wasn't even anything that was hard. Or at least anything that should be hard. So why couldn't she get it?
Plus now, she was finding herself quick to anger and that she knew, was because she was being too hard on herself. After her first two weeks of recovery she had planned out by what dates roughly she should be doing things, both physically and mentally. The doctors of course told her not to do that. To not have so many expectations but Holly placed them on herself all the same. She was used to that, she had done it all her life. She was used to working to tight deadlines and she wasn't about to stop now.
Holly had planned when she would move from the bed to the chair unaided. She planned when she would be able to use her walker unaided, too. She set herself deadlines to how far she would be able to walk with her walker and so far, she was pretty much spot on with them. She was pleased with the movement of her leg. Her knee though was something else but she was resigned to surgery for that at a later date, when her pelvis was fully recovered. She knew she wouldn't be running for a while but she was okay with that. She could picture in her mind when she would be, and she was happy being able to work toward that.
Her cognitive functions though, were a little different.
Holly found no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't make herself pluck the right word from her subconscious. When a word went missing from her sentence she couldn't make it come to her. Even though she followed all the advice from the neuro team, she even tried speaking to the therapist about the most constructive ways of trying to give her brain a helping hand. It just didn't work. Or at least it wasn't working quickly enough. She just couldn't make the words come to her with any sort of urgency and it was the most infuriating thing in the world.
It made her worry. Endlessly she worried about her job. What if she was sat in a court room and the terminology suddenly escaped her? What if she filed something wrong? Made a mistake, with something important like evidence for a murder case? What then?
What would happen then?
But she was determined. She would recover, she would go back to work and she would be on top of her game again. There was no other option. No matter how frustrating it got, she wouldn't let this beat her.
Holly rested her head back in her pillows and she sighed. Long and hard. It was early afternoon and she felt tired, something she felt a lot of at the moment and she turned her head to her window, the sun bouncing off it in such a way that it became reflective and she looked at herself, studied herself for a moment before she looked away. She looked as tired as she felt. Her skin seemed pasty, and still a little scarred. Sometimes she could imagine the pieces of glass in the fleshy part of her right arm, stuck there like they didn't belong and it made her itch like crazy. She could imagine them moving as she knew they were. Her body slowly casting them out.
It made her wonder how Gail would look at her, when they were finally able to get naked with each other again. In some ways Holly was glad it would be a while as perhaps all of her visible scars would be healed by then. Well at least she hoped they would be. She wondered if Gail would think of her differently, if maybe she wouldn't want to touch her like she used to…
Holly shook her head. Straightened herself up in her bed a little. She knew they were stupid thoughts, but sometimes she pondered them all the same. It was just too quiet in this room, and even though a little damaged her busy mind did seem to want to work overtime. On a normal day Holly's mind would be filled with cases and evidence and analysis. Now all it had was memory exercises, broken up with the pain of physio and then of course the worry of her injuries and how they might affect her future. The affect they might have on other people, the people she loved. Her family. Her friends.
Gail.
Holly felt her lips pull into a sideways smile and she reached up to take her glasses off, dropping them on top of the cabinet next to her bed. Gail would be coming to see her later, as she always did around 3pm. Gail was there every morning, every evening and then whenever she could swing by during the day, but it was generally around three and only briefly, but Holly looked forward to it all the same.
Gail was being brilliant but Holly knew it must be taking its toll and because Gail was the closest person to her, she was typically the one who felt the brunt of Holly's frustrations when they creeped upon her. Holly didn't mean to take it out on Gail but she knew she was. Sometimes it would be in the form of a mini meltdown where she would cling to Gail's arm, maybe after physio when she was in such utter pain or simply when her recall was failing her and would just cry into Gail's shoulder and sometimes, Holly would just explode. It had only happened twice but both times it had been at Gail.
Holly felt bad of course. Especially straight after when Gail just turned and walked out of the room when Holly got particularly unreasonable. Holly honestly thought she had blown it the second time, wanting more than anything to chase after Gail and apologise but of course she couldn't. So all she could do was sit there and feel even more wretched, isolated and useless than she did already. More angry and more upset at her situation and how unfair everything was. That was of course until Gail came back in after about half an hour or so and poked a stuffed koala bear around the hospital room door. Then Holly just melted.
It was probably the cutest thing Holly had ever seen or could remember seeing, at least. Gail in full uniform, gun on her hip and carrying a fifteen inch koala bear across the room with a forlorn expression on her face as Holly proceeded to breakdown in tears. Gail just sat on the edge of the bed as Holly crumbled into her, her one arm around Gail's back and the other one cuddling the koala as Gail held it to her, pressing her lips to Holly's forehead as she told her she was sorry for leaving and that she bought her a cuddle buddy for her to hold onto, on those occasions when she wasn't there.
The whole thing just made Holly's insides collapse and she remembered being more sorry than she had ever been for anything that night, the first time her frustrations really got the better of her in a fit of rage. She was sorry for everything she had put Gail through but all Gail did was cuddle her tighter and say she didn't care, although Holly suspected that wasn't true. But the sentiment just meant the world.
"Holly."
The voice brought her quickly out of her thoughts and she opened her eyes, reaching for her glasses which were still laying on top of her cabinet, at the feet of her koala bear who now constantly sat proudly atop it. Holly smiled at him as she put her glasses on and then she turned to the voice.
"David," she said, "I wasn't expecting you."
David came into the room and breezed round to the other side of Holly's bed, quickly sitting in the chair in front of the window. "I thought I would come and see you, see how you're doing."
Holly didn't know what to make of it. It was a surprise, certainly. He visited briefly a week ago and she knew that was for him to assess her situation but that she had been expecting. This though, she had no idea about and she felt immediately uncomfortable. She didn't show it, however, and she just smiled brightly at him. "Well feel free to look at my chart," she began, knowing he would already be aware of what was documented there.
David quickly shook his head, cutting off any further comment from her. He held her gaze and for the life of her Holly couldn't read him. He was usually a straight up kind of guy, always said what he meant and he was pretty much the best boss she had worked for. He was exceptionally good at his job, very professional and she knew he would be patient with her, but just how patient she wasn't sure. She swallowed a little painfully, feeling all of sudden a little under scrutiny. "I'd like your judgement," he said, and then he went silent.
Holly shrugged a little, wondering what would be the best thing to say. "I'm feeling better," she said, her eyes searching him as she tried to tap into what he was thinking. "I mean it's still early, but my movement is pretty good."
David just nodded, his fingertips meeting in front of his chest. He waited for her to go on.
Holly sighed. "As for the rest I can't really say." She fidgeted, a bit as this was the hard part. She knew all she could be was honest. "I don't really trust my memory at the moment." Her face screwed up a little, the disappointment of her predicament etched into her expression. "I know it's better than before, and I know I will improve," her eyebrows went up, "well I hope I will. It just might take a while."
David held her gaze in contemplation for a moment longer and then broke it, looking away as he leaned forwards on his knees. "Your job will always be yours, Holly," he said, without any kind of further hesitation. "Take as long as you need to come through this, your job will be waiting for you."
Holly let out a long sigh of relief and was able to sit a little more comfortably in her bed, a certain level of relaxation washing over her. She smiled, and regarded her boss fondly. "Thank you, David."
He stood up. "No need," and then he smiled at her. "You're the best I have. There's no way I'm letting you go."
It did make her feel a bit concerned, though. Surely he had to know there may be some permanent damage. That she might not be 100% the same. She bit her lip as she considered bringing it up but in the end she couldn't stop herself. She frowned. "David, there is a chance, though, that I might-"
"-I know," he cut her off, a sympathetic edge to his lips. A kindness in his tone. "I just want you to focus on your recovery. Anything else we can figure out later."
Holly felt the emotion hit her and it was a struggle to keep it professional. She didn't want to get upset in front of him and so she forced it all back. She really hoped this over emotional side of her wouldn't be there to stay. She was feeling the emotions pile up on her rather easily since waking up and she was still yet to be able to keep much of a hold over them. She chose not to focus on it, for the time being.
"Thank you," she whispered, having to look away from him.
David then sucked in a breath and he turned to the window, staring out of it quite intently. Holly noticed the sharp movement as he turned and she took in a deep breath, knowing him well enough to realise there was something else.
His head bowed, just a little.
"What is it?" Holly asked.
"You know what happened hit us hard," he started quietly, referring to the amount of lives the explosion cost.
Holly became still. A certain eeriness settling in, the atmosphere suddenly drying out with the mention of it. She was aware, Gail had filled her in and Holly cried for what felt like two days solid. She just nodded, and waited for him to continue.
He turned and leaned his back against the wall next to the window, his arms folding over his chest. "I wasn't sure how much you knew about it."
Holly's voice went quiet, her heart sinking further into her chest. "Gail told me," she answered, remembering the look on Gail's face as she told her. The dread in her eyes, the fear of telling her something that might make her worse but Holly was glad she did. She was glad Gail didn't choose to keep it from her.
That seemed to be enough for David and he afforded her a tight lipped smile, his work persona then falling back into place. He stood up straighter, his tone becoming firmer. He still didn't look at her, though. "I'm having to get some new people in, some are transferring."
"Permanently?" Holly asked, wondering what that would mean for her department.
"Not initially. Jamie needs some help she err, hasn't really handled things that well."
Holly wasn't surprised and she immediately became concerned. If she was honest, she hadn't really given Jamie much thought. She knew she was okay, no real injuries and so all of Holly's thoughts had gone to those who hadn't been so lucky. "Tell her to come and see me," Holly offered, "if she wants to."
This time David looked at her. Holly's concern for others made her an excellent mentor and really he could do with her experience and expertise in helping him to bring a sense of normality back to the department. Ultimately though, he was just glad she would be okay. He smiled, "I'll give her the message. I think she'd like that. She misses you."
Holly couldn't help but laugh a little, at that. "You can tell that?" David was a great numbers person, not so much of a people person.
He grinned. "I have been known to pick up on things."
Holly's brow raised in disbelief.
"Only when I need to."
Holly actually laughed and David coughed to hold his in, his professionalism not letting him get into it any further.
"I best get back," he said, moving toward the door. "I just wanted to check in."
"Well feel free to, whenever you like," Holly commented, "not like I'm snowed under here," and then a thought struck her. "Actually, David. I was working on a paper before, you know," she paused, "what happened and I was about two thirds through it. Any chance you could bring it in, at some point?"
David just looked at her. "You want me to bring you work?"
"It's a paper, David. I'll only do some editing."
David grinned, pulling the door open. "Holly, that's work."
It made her sigh, deeply. "But I still have a deadline."
"You have different deadlines now," he said more seriously, gesturing at her leg. "Getting better deadlines."
Her brow went up. "I can do both." She had that impassive look on her face she got when she was determined.
"Why don't you ask Gail to bring it in for you?"
Holly immediately rolled her eyes. How did he know that would work? David had only met Gail once… A frown dropped quickly onto her face. "She's spoken to you, hasn't she?"
David held up his free hand. "She's concerned about you. We all are."
Holly fidgeted some more, her skin getting tingly with frustration. She really didn't like feeling helpless. "I can handle a report."
"I'm not sure your doctors would agree."
"David."
"Holly you are a doctor. As am I. You know it's too soon."
Holly pushed out a breath that echoed around the room and she was certain she caught a smirk on her boss' lips.
Just then his beeper went off and he whipped it off his belt and looked at it, a seriousness ghosting over his face. "I have to go."
Holly felt a familiar pang of excitement rise up within her. She couldn't stop it. It practically fizzled inside of her. "Is it a body?"
This time David really did smirk. He pointed at her and then returned his beeper to his belt. "Just focus on your health." He turned to go, "I'll be in touch," and then he was gone.
Holly was that frustrated she felt like she could growl with it. She was sick of being confined to her hospital room. Annoyed that she just couldn't get up without being in pain. Agitated that she couldn't go for a run, or even a walk without planning it and building up to it. Someone had to take her as well so it's not like she could do it on her own terms. Next week she wanted to be doing that though, it was all in her plan. She'd be walking the halls freely then, with or without approval.
She tried to control her breathing in order to calm herself down a little and she thought about what she'd say to Gail, whether or not she should call her out on talking to David. She was right to do it though, after all. It was obvious Gail really did know her that well. She supposed it was too early, really, but she was bored. She knew she should just rest but, it was so boring. Her brain wasn't used to being this restless, this unoccupied.
Just then Juliette came in, Holly's physio, all bright and breezy with a cheery expression on her face. "Good afternoon," she almost sang, "and how are you?"
"Fine," Holly sighed, ready for the challenge but not necessarily for the pain. She pushed herself up from the bed, her palms holding most of her weight. She leaned to her left as well as somehow that seemed to help take the pressure off her pelvis, even though that didn't make much sense.
Juliette frowned at her. "You have some pain?"
Holly looked at her. "I always have pain."
"More pain on your right side today?"
Holly sighed, not really wanting to admit it. "Just sort of at the top of my leg." She was certain it was because of the extra exercises she did that morning after Juliette left.
"Okay well we'll need to look at that."
Juliette readied Holly's walker and then came over to her, ready to assess the extra aches she was experiencing. Holly just wanted it to be 3pm already. She told herself when this was over, then she'd be that bit closer to seeing Gail again and that thought in and of itself made her chest feel lighter, the pain in her leg where Juliette was squeezing her not quite as bad. Holly knew having Gail smile and kiss her was the best kind of medication and honestly it was getting harder and harder to not get amazingly turned on every time she saw her.
She felt the frustration again and she fought hard to ignore it. Holly was certain a pelvic injury had to be one of the worst to sustain as any kind of energetic movement was out of the question for quite a few months.
"Does it hurt there?" she heard Juliette ask, her fingers pushing into Holly's upper thigh.
"Yes," Holly winced and thank God, she thought because if it didn't hurt like hell that was the kind of place she'd only want Gail touching.
"Okay," Juliette sighed, a slight frown on her face as she walked to end of Holly's bed. "We'll keep an eye on that but I think it's best to carry on as normal for the moment."
Holly flopped back down amongst her pillows, her eyes closing as she mentally prepared herself for the next hour. Her right arm lay above her head, across her pillow.
"Ready?" Juliette asked.
Holly steeled herself and after a moment she moved her arm and let it hit the mattress at her side. "Let's do it."
"Hey," Traci smiled, taking a stride into the room.
Holly opened her eyes and rolled her head from the side and in the direction of her visitor's voice. "Hey," she said a little sleepily, her palms digging into the mattress to sit up the bed a bit higher.
Traci stopped a foot or so back from the bottom of the bed. "Oh I'm sorry," she half turned to go. "I'll come back."
"No, no," Holly said quickly, reaching for her glasses. "Please," she put them on and smiled at Traci, "I sleep enough. I'll be happy for the distraction."
Traci was unsure. She was certain Gail might kill her if she knew she'd woken Holly to question her about the explosion. Gail had been doing her best to keep Traci away from the hospital for the last two weeks as it was, citing all kinds of excuses as to why Holly wasn't up to it. Traci had done her best but really, the discussion was overdue, so here she was.
"Okay," Traci said, coming around to the side of the bed. "But only if you're sure."
Holly smiled and gestured for Traci to take a seat. "I was expecting you sooner, actually."
Traci pulled the chair a little bit closer and relaxed into it. She flicked her hair over her shoulder and got out her notepad. "Well it's been hectic," she lied. Truthfully the lack of leads they had was quite impressive and the few they did have were quickly drying up. If the stakeout later that night didn't produce anything then well.. Traci really didn't want to think about it.
Holly smiled and a look of acknowledgement settled on her face. "Gail made you wait this long didn't she?"
Traci chuckled. "Uhmmm," she scratched above her eyebrow with her index finger. "Yeah 'lil bit."
Holly nodded. "Thought so. I actually asked her why no one had been to question me the other day and she dodged it like only Gail knows how."
Traci wasn't in the least bit surprised. "She is quite good at that."
Holly laughed, her head settling back in the pillows. "The best."
Traci put her notebook down in her lap as she watched Holly shift a little onto her left side, still obviously in quite a bit of pain. Traci felt for her but at the same time was completely relieved she was okay. She remembered Gail through the weeks of Holly's coma, through all of the unknowing and after everything Gail had been through in the time they had known each other, Traci couldn't remember a time when Gail had been more scared, or looked more ill, if she was honest. There was still stress, of course. Gail lived under a cloud of worry and concern at the moment but it was better than before. A million times better than before.
"So how are you?" Traci asked, a serious overtone in her expression.
Holly sighed; it never got any easier putting it into words even with the amount of times she was asked. After a couple of moments she just nodded, her eyes kind of off to the side. "Yeah okay," she said, a little uncertainty in her tone. "Well I think," she nodded.
Traci just raised an eyebrow and then nodded, too.
Then Holly smiled. "I'm recovering," she said, deciding to be clearer. "My leg is healing, my physio seems pleased, at least."
"Well that's good, right?" Traci asked, her face now hopeful.
"Yeah," Holly conceded. "I just want to be better sooner, you know?"
Traci could understand that. Gail had mentioned something about Holly being frustrated with how long her recovery would take. "But then you've only been conscious a few weeks." Traci reached out to Holly's hand that was resting on top of the sheets at her side. "Should maybe give it a little more time."
Holly grinned, her eyes falling shut for a moment. "I know." She lolled her head to the side and regarded Traci fondly. "I'm just not very good at it," she whispered.
Traci chuckled and then picked up her notebook again. "So you ready for a few questions?"
Holly took a deep breath. "Sure," she said, still smiling. "Not really sure how much help I'll be though," and then she cleared her throat, attempting to focus her mind on the day of the explosion. "I can't really remember much."
"That's fine, anything you can remember will be great. Anything at all. Just take it slow." Traci got comfortable in her chair and crossed her one leg over the other. She knew Holly might have a few issues remembering the events leading up to the bombing, and Gail had filled her in on Holly's recall being shaky at the moment. In fact Gail went over it extensively and expressly told her not to quiz Holly on it too much if she was getting stressed out about not being able to remember, and especially if she started struggling with her words. Traci knew she had to be wary of that, the glare alone Gail gave her was enough to drill the fact into her. Protective Gail really was a force to be reckoned with.
"Just take it from the top," Traci said as she made a note at the top of her pad. "When you first arrived on scene."
"I really wish I could tell you more but I just can't remember anything after that."
Traci looked at her, that sympathetic detective look she adopted when she talked to victims, or the relatives of victims about delicate subjects. Her eyes were soft, her expression compassionate.
She thought if Gail were there she'd tell her to cut the crap and just get on with it but Traci was taking it slow. Letting the details come back to Holly in her own time but as it turned out, Holly didn't remember much at all.
Holly smiled at her in return, a feeling of frustration taking over her. One she was getting pretty used to, actually. "I really can't. I remember being outside, standing with you, but I can't remember what we spoke about." Holly squinted, trying to force the images to make some kind of sense. "There were a few of us, right?" and then her face screwed up, knowing Traci wouldn't help her along. "Sam was standing with us," she frowned, "I think."
Traci put her notepad away. "You don't remember going back inside?"
Holly sighed, her glasses coming off before she pinched the bridge of her nose. "No."
"Well it doesn't matter," she patted Holly's hand, again. "What you do remember of the scene will be a great help."
Holly's lips fell into a small smile. "You don't have to lie."
"I'm not," Traci said, even though she was, a little. "Really at this point any information at all is huge. It'll all help the case."
Holly placed her glasses back on her bedside cabinet. "And how is the case?"
Traci paused, really not at liberty to go into it. Not that there was really much to tell, but she supposed Gail would be keeping her abreast of any pertinent information when it happened. She didn't know what to say but Holly's eyes were kind of looking at her all hopeful and she got the impression she needed to know something. Traci though, decided to be truthful. "Nothing new," she resigned, "but we're hopeful a lead will turn into something," and then she trailed off, not wanting to go into the stakeout. She met Holly's eye, "We'll see."
Holly didn't really feel comforted by that information but she was thankful Traci wasn't lying to her. There was a mad bomber still on the loose around town who wasn't any closer to be caught. A bomber who killed a lot of her friends and colleagues and almost killed her, too. A shudder ran through her and Holly felt the need to focus on something else. She snuggled down a little more under her sheets, a wave of sleepiness coming over her that felt both relaxing and annoying at the same time. She always felt sleepy at the moment and she really didn't like it.
"How's the wedding planning coming?" Holly asked, briskly changing the subject to something brighter.
Traci settled back into her seat, not really expecting the question but happy for it nonetheless. Traci liked Holly, like she really liked her and she couldn't imagine a person made more for Gail than her. It was ultimately the reason she was so amazingly glad Holly had survived. Trying to imagine a Gail without Holly now would be impossible. The wedding planning though, had come to an abrupt standstill.
"Uhm, it's not, really," Traci conceded as she pulled her hand through her hair. "It's really been more about the case and the fallout from the explosion, and everything."
Holly swallowed a little painfully, she didn't like the idea that what happened was getting in the way of everything else. She frowned, "Really?"
Traci just nodded.
"That's a shame. I'm sure everyone could do with something to look forward to. I know I could."
Traci thought about it. "I know," she sighed, looking down into her lap. "It just didn't seem right, you know?" she looked at Holly and the stress lines appeared across her forehead again. "Not with you in here."
Holly actually felt a little touched by that. She loved Gail's friends, they really were like Gail's extended family and here they were, caring just as much about her. Holly took a breath to compose herself. Damn her medication.
If Traci noticed the emotion she didn't show it. "Maybe when we catch the guy," she smiled, "then I can concentrate on the wedding."
Holly grinned. "Well if you need any help you know where I am. I can't imagine I'll be allowed back to work for months." Holly sighed, like that was the worst possible thing to ever happen to her, even with all of her injuries.
"Oh my God that'd be great," Traci said rather quickly, her eyes wide and then she fought to curb her excitement. "I mean, not that's its good you can't work."
Holly just smiled. "I'd be happy to help."
"Well you're definitely involved." Traci said as she got up to leave, "and you can't take it back now you've offered, just so you know."
Holly laughed. "I wouldn't dream of it."
"I better get back to work." She looked at Holly and a soft expression overtook her face. "I'm so glad you're okay, Holly. Really."
Holly took a moment for that to register. She prayed she wouldn't get upset, people being nice to her was definitely one of her triggers at the moment. "Thanks."
Traci turned to leave.
"Wait, Traci," and then Traci turned back to her. "Before you go, can I ask you something?"
Traci shrugged. "Yeah, sure."
Holly bit on her bottom lip as she thought how to phrase it. "I know I shouldn't be asking you this but, how's Gail?"
Traci frowned a little. She came back over and sat on the edge of Holly's bed. "What do you mean?"
Holly sighed. She felt a twinge at the back of her neck and she reached up to rub at it. She had been worrying about Gail since she woke up, ever since she saw that look in her eyes that told Holly her girlfriend had been petrified for weeks on end. Holly had been trying to spare Gail the frustration of what she felt the past couple of weeks but she couldn't help it sometimes, it just leaked out and usually Gail was the one taking the brunt of it.
The couple of times she asked Gail how she was doing, between her attending to Holly's every need and being endlessly positive with her smiling lips and warm eyes all Gail would say was that she was fine. Holly didn't know whether to believe her or not. Gail was her rock right now, she was everything she needed but she worried for her all the same. She wondered if it was all wearing thin. If Gail was struggling with things, maybe? If Gail maybe needed a break, or wished she didn't have to visit the hospital so often. Holly hated to think Gail felt some kind of obligation to come and see her so much, or say she loved her when maybe she didn't.
Maybe it was all getting too much for her, and Holly only thought that way occasionally, but what if it was true? What if Gail wished she wasn't with her? And what if Holly never really recovered? Would Gail want her then?
Holly shook her head quickly as if to attempt to knock the negative thoughts out of her brain. It was hard, though. Holly thought too much about things and with little else to focus on, she found herself worrying about Gail more and more.
"I mean is she okay?" Holly croaked, and then she cleared her throat. Her eyes betrayed her though, they looked upset and Traci caught it immediately. "I'm not sure if maybe this all might be all too much for her, you know, to deal with." She looked at Traci and her face was compassionate, adopting that maternal expression again. She felt Traci's hand on her shin. "I just don't want her to be overwhelmed."
Traci looked at her hand on Holly's leg as her thumb moved back and forth across the sheet. "Holly, she's fine," she said, trying desperately to reassure her.
Holly just raised her eyebrows in disbelief. She knew she shouldn't have asked her.
Traci smiled albeit a little sadly. "Honey, maybe you should ask her?"
Holly knew she was being ridiculous but it was difficult to get her mind off of this once it was there. "I have. She just smiles at me and says she's fine."
"Well, there you go then."
"I know but," and she practically implored Traci with her eyes, "she has to be feeling it and I don't want her to. I know she's carrying everything right now, all this with me. My family, looking after my brother plus she's working." She gestured at Traci as if she was the face of the force, or something and then she sighed, heavily. "She wouldn't tell me if she wasn't coping so please, if she's said anything please tell me."
Traci automatically felt bad, the worst of it being she knew Holly was right. Gail was stressed, she was feeling the pressure and she was constantly at her and Steve at work about the bomber and where they were with the case. She knew every spare moment Gail had she was at the hospital and dealing with what Holly was going through and she kind of thought it was only a matter of time before she might collapse under the weight of it all. She sighed, not sure at all if it was the right thing to do, to tell Holly about it.
Traci leaned toward Holly a little closer. "Holly, I know she's stressed, but that's only because she loves you so much she wants to do whatever she can to be there for you. She wants to make it all better for you."
Holly felt it, and her brow furrowed as she felt the emotion clamber on her once more. "I know," she said as her voice broke a little. "I just wish she wouldn't burn herself out."
Traci smiled a bit, her heart feeling all warm as she realised how much Holly was worrying about Gail, and how much Gail constantly worried about Holly in return. It was all kind of sweet despite the circumstances. "You know you two are impossible," and Holly just raised an inquiring eyebrow. Traci shook her head. "Tell her how much you're worried about her okay? She'll open up to you."
Traci got up to go and patted Holly's shin as she did so.
Holly kind of grunted. "Mm. You think so huh?"
Traci turned to her when she got to the door, her hand on the handle. She was certain that was the most stupid thing she'd ever heard anyone say, ever. "I'm pretty sure you're the only person she's ever wanted to open up to."
Holly knew that was true, before. Her shoulders slumped forwards. "Not at the moment."
Traci rolled her eyes. "Holly it's been two weeks. The worst time of her life was the four weeks before that. I think what she's feeling right now is a hundred times better than what she felt then, even if she is stressed."
Holly scrunched up her face. "Really?"
"I know so." She opened the door. "Just talk to her."
Gail picked up her eighth cup of coffee and held it to her lips. It smelt so good, and the warmth of the cup felt amazing in her hands. It was cold outside and being on the street for the last six hours straight had chilled her to the core. She blew on the hot liquid and then took a sip, her eyes falling closed with the pleasure it provided. "Oh sweet mother of God," she sighed, leaning her weight back against the units in the break room. She felt so tired, exhausted even, really and all she wanted was to get to the hospital and see Holly.
Having Andy ramble on in her ear wasn't doing anything to improve her mood either.
"C'mon Gail, please."
Gail rolled her eyes, feeling her irk start to scratch at her chest. "No."
"But-"
"No."
"Gai-"
"No."
Andy threw her hands in the air. "But he might listen to you!"
Gail screwed up her face. "Why would he listen to me?"
"Because you dated him."
Gail made a sound in the back of her throat much like a growl. "So did you, McNally." She was quite proud of herself for not making a quip about McNally stealing him off her, or sleeping with him behind her back, or something. She smirked with an edge of satisfaction, maybe she really was growing. She nodded, impressed with herself.
Andy just looked at her, hands on her hips. "But you guys dated longer. You have more of a.." and she gestured furiously in the air, "..connection or whatever." Andy folded her arms across her chest. "I don't know. Please?"
Gail scowled at Andy over her coffee, rapidly having enough of this conversation. "No I think your connection was stronger." Gail started, deciding to have some fun regardless of how much that meant she might not have grown as much as she thought. Gail didn't care. Messing with McNally always cheered her up. "Didn't he fall in love with you before you even slept with him?"
Her expression was serious and Andy immediately looked uncomfortable. Gail then held her palm to her chest, her tone going up several octaves. "Ah true love." She fake sniffed back a breath. "Sometimes I've no idea why you guys broke up."
This time Andy scowled in return. "Oh haha."
Gail drank the rest of her coffee and then deposited the cup in the trash. She just smiled and went to leave before Andy obstructed her path, her palms held up between them.
"Uhh, where you going?"
Gail pulled a face at her. "The hospital, Mom." She rounded Andy and carried on walking. "Shifts over."
Andy quickly followed her. "But what about Nick?" She was careful to keep her voice down and was nervously looking around them as they walked. She didn't want to run into Sam or Nick and have them hear her.
Gail scoffed. "McNally I don't care about your issues with Collins. He's not my problem anymore and I sure as hell don't care about whatever's going on with you and Swarek." She stopped walking and turned on Andy, her face totally impassive and her eyes a little vacant. When she said she didn't care, she really meant it. She shrugged, "So just, sort it out yourself." She turned and went into the locker room.
Andy sighed and followed her. "But I saw how you talked to him at the commendation ceremony. You do care about him, no matter what you say."
"Ugh," Gail forced out as she started to strip out of her uniform. She reached for her collar and started undoing her buttons, very aware of Andy's eyes on her from across the room. Gail grinned to herself. "And no perving on me, McNally, I can feel your beady eyes on me."
Andy rubbed her forehead. "Yeah whatever, Gail," she sighed, turning to face her own locker. Her mood now despondent. "Please," she started again after a moment. "I've tried talking to him but he won't listen to me, and Sam is useless."
"Well he is a guy," Gail interjected, pulling her t-shirt off over her head.
Andy just sighed. "He antagonises Nick just as much as Nick antagonises him." Her face pouted, her frown overtaking her face. "They're like a couple of school kids."
Gail pushed out a sigh as she sat down to take off her boots. "You're problem is you think everything revolves around you-"
"-I do not."
Gail grinned. She pulled on her skinnies, slipped on her comfy boots and reached for her black and white sweater at the back of her locker. She turned around to face Andy. "Maybe if you stopped pestering him he'd forget about you sooner." She pulled her sweater over her head. "You're in everybody's face, McNally, especially Nick's." She shrugged. "Just leave him alone."
"But he looks at me all the time."
Gail rolled her eyes, "So?" She starting doing up the laces on her boots. "Just because your ass is over-emphasised by your tight polyester pants doesn't mean he wants in them anymore. Just ignore him."
Andy suddenly beamed, her back straightening, her grin suddenly too big for her face. She pushed out her chest and rested her arm against her locker. "You think my ass looks good in my pants?"
Gail honestly felt a little bit sick. She frowned, "No, just that your pants are too small and it's totally obvious."
Andy though, was too busy enjoying the perceived compliment. "Pfft whatever, I know I have a good ass."
Gail sighed. There was no way she wanted Andy to think she had been checking her out. She huffed. "Your ass is nowhere near as firm as Holly's. She's a fitness fanatic, McNally, she puts your flabby ass to shame-"
Andy pushed herself away from her locker, completely offended. "Hey! My ass is not flabby."
Gail's eyes widened. All this talk of Andy's ass was making her nauseous. "Whatever you say."
Andy still looked offended, but then she shook it out of her head. "Yeah anyway," and then she strode up to Gail. "The point is, I've tried ignoring him, I've tried everything but he still has this thing against Sam-"
Gail stood up and grabbed her bag, still with a scowl on her face. "Why's that my problem?"
Andy sighed. "Imagine Steve's bachelor party."
Gail sighed and headed for the exit. The sooner she was at the hospital and with Holly the better. Gail frowned. "What bachelor party?"
"Uhhh, hello?" Andy over-exaggerated, following her again. "The one you're organising."
"I'm not organizing any party," Gail said sharply, "my girlfriends in hospital if you didn't know."
"I know," Andy sighed, stopping Gail in the middle of the corridor.
Gail sighed heavily and hunched her shoulders, ready to get on the defensive. She was rapidly having enough of Andy getting in her way.
"But think about when Steve does have his party, the one you'll have to organise because you're best man."
Gail huffed. She regarded Andy with a killer expression that screamed frustration. She really didn't have time for this, she felt tired enough as it was and she really wanted to spend some decent time with Holly tonight.
Andy's palms were up. "It'll be your job to make sure it goes smoothly and whether you like it or not, Nick always listens to you. He still cares about you-"
Gail scoffed, as loud as she possibly could.
"Please, Gail, just talk to him. It'll be a bigger atmosphere than this if someone doesn't get Nick and Sam on speaking terms."
Gail didn't realise they weren't on speaking terms, if she was honest. Her forehead furrowed and her voice kind of whined. "McNally," she started, her voice as sympathetic to her plight as she could get it. Pretty much not at all. "This is not my circus, those are not my monkeys."
"But he used to be your monkey."
Gail sighed, scratching her forehead. The very fact Andy was asking her for help with something to do with Nick made her laugh, kind of hysterically in her head. If she had the energy she suspected she might actually laugh in her face, even though Holly had told her countless times it was considered impolite to do so, no matter how absurd the request was. "Just because we hugged once does not mean we're sorority sisters. Do not get carried away, I can still barely stand to be in the same room as you."
Andy just looked at her, her eyes wide and pleading and knowing that last statement wasn't true. Gail's head flopped back and as much as she hated it, just how pathetic it all was she felt her resolve caving. She hated that she cared about things now, and that she cared about other people. People like McNally. She felt her stomach churn with all the caring.
Gail groaned, as loud as she could and rolled her eyes dramatically. "Fine," she whined. "But tomorrow, right now you're making me late for Holly."
Andy beamed and her whiter than white teeth almost sparkled. "Thank you Gail, thank you, thank you, thank you."
"Yeah whatever, McNally." Gail sighed as she turned to head off down the hall.
Andy back away and clapped her hands. "And say hey to Holly for me," she called after her down the hall, "tell her my ass is definitely better than hers!"
"Ughhh," Gail shivered, stepping her pace up a little for the exit. That was definitely the last time she ever spoke to Andy about anything like that.
She got to the car yard just in time to see two squads pulling out at the same time as two unmarked vans. Her brow furrowed as she stood there, wondering what was going on and then Traci strode out of the exit, closely followed by Steve. They stopped in their tracks when they saw her, and then fidgeted awkwardly.
"What's going on?" Gail asked, and then Traci averted her gaze, walking towards a black BMW. "Trace?" she asked, and then Steve approached her.
He touched her arm, pulling her to the side a little.
"Steve?" Gail asked, far too tired to play guessing games. She just sighed. "What is it?"
"Stakeout," he replied coolly.
"Okay," Gail responded. "Why don't I know anything about it?"
He just looked at her. "Not your case."
Gail felt ready to concede the point just so she could get to the hospital but something poked at her, a nagging thought. It was something in Steve's eyes, the way they were judging her, the way they were trying to be overly calming.
And then it hit her. "Is it the bomber?"
Steve dropped his eyes to the concrete at their feet.
"Oh my God it is," and Gail's bag fell to the floor. "Are you bringing him in?" Her tone elevated somewhat, her eyes suddenly much more alert. "Well who is it? Why wasn't I told?"
Steve looked to the car Traci just got in. She had told him to tell Gail but he had refused. He didn't want to, not until they caught him, not until he was in custody and they were getting something from him. At this stage it was too soon, and he didn't want Gail involved with the stakeout. She would be a loose cannon and that was something Traci did agree with.
"The information only came in yesterday and we had to move quickly. Traci wanted to tell you but I don't want you involved-"
"What?!"
"It's a waiting game, Gail. We can't have you compromising the only good lead we have-"
"-The guy blew up my girlfriend, Steve!"
"I know," Steve said as firmly as he could, trying to shut her up at the same time. He had to go, and he was hoping Gail would've left by now. "I know," he said again, trying to sooth her reaction with his eyes. He knew it would be hard, though. If the situation was reversed he'd be reacting just like his sister was. He'd be angry, too. "And that's why you can't be there."
Gail was fuming, she couldn't believe Traci hadn't told her. She couldn't believe all this was happening, that a load of police officers were going off to possibly arrest the guy who almost killed Holly and Gail wasn't a part of it. She felt a burning inside and the anger was quickly right in her chest. She fidgeted where she stood, her hand found her head and her fingers raked through her hair. "I have to see this guy Steve," she said, as calmly as she could. "I have to."
Steve just eyed her, and then he started backing off. "Later," he said, and then he pointed at her. "Go see Holly, we got this."
Gail took a step forward, her eyes suddenly panicked. "What if you don't?" she called after him, her breath catching in her throat. She felt restricted, sort of tight in her own skin and all she wanted was to chase after them. To get in her car and tail Steve and Traci so they had no choice but to involve her.
She almost did.
Steve pointed at her, "I will." He paused at the car as he opened the passenger side door. "Trust me?"
Gail stopped after another step forward, her eyes now filled with emotion, her whole body on edge as the cool night air attacked every inch of her skin. Of course she trusted him, but that wasn't the point.
"Gail?!" Steve shouted at her, as Traci tried to pull him inside the car.
Gail just nodded frantically as she swallowed back everything she was feeling, relinquishing the need to force herself on the operation and resigning herself to the background, where everyone apparently was adamant on keeping her.
"I'll get him," Steve finished, "I promise."
Traci started up the car and then Steve got inside. It sped off and all Gail could do was watch.
Gail got to the hospital about an hour later and she felt absolutely beat. Her feet hurt, her neck hurt and all she wanted was to sleep, preferably in her girlfriend's arms, maybe even watching a movie. It felt an age since they had done anything even close to that.
She sighed as she walked the length of the corridor to Holly's room. She hoped no one would be there. Especially Grace as she didn't want any questions about the case. She had no idea how she'd answer if Grace asked, and she seriously hoped Holly wouldn't ask her. She hated keeping things from her but Gail really didn't want to talk about it. She didn't know how she felt about it all herself, if she was honest but really, they might not even get him. They might come back empty handed so there was no point saying anything until the guy was in custody, at which point Gail could see him for herself.
She didn't know what she would do when she did see him though, and it was hurting her head thinking about it. She paused with her hand on the door and took in a deep breath. She couldn't hear voices inside and so part of her relaxed, but only a little.
"Hey," Holly said, her face lighting up as soon as Gail stepped inside the room.
"Hi," Gail smiled, an easiness immediately gripping her. Holly was alone and Gail just wanted to snuggle up next to her. No words, really, she just wanted her to hold her.
Holly sat forward as Gail came over to her. She frowned as Gail got closer and then Holly reached out her hand. "You looked tired," she said, concerned.
"I'm okay," Gail said, rather resigned. She took Holly's hand and then leaned over the bed, reaching down to kiss Holly softly on the lips. She lingered there, as Holly's hand came up and cupped the back of Gail's neck. "How are you?" she asked as she pulled away, a moment or two spent leaning her forehead against Holly's. She dragged her usual chair over to the side of the bed.
"Alright," Holly said, settling back into her pillows.
"How was physio?"
Holly sighed and then she shrugged. "Okay."
Gail raised an eyebrow. "Just okay?"
Holly smiled and she pulled Gail's hand over onto her stomach, sandwiching it between both of her own hands. She gazed at it as she breathed a little uncertainly. She didn't want to complain, but she knew Gail wanted the truth. "It's just hard," she said quietly.
A tight smile fell on Gail's lips. She knew it was, and she knew Holly was doing great. She was improving after only this short amount of time and she knew Holly was pushing herself probably a little too hard but nonetheless, she was proud of her.
"I know it is," Gail said quietly, her other elbow sliding across the bed close to Holly's hip as she rested her head in her palm. "But you're doing great."
"Oh really?" Holly asked, "I don't feel like it."
Gail bit on her top lip and linked her fingers with Holly's. "Well you should," she replied almost immediately. "Doesn't your physio say so?"
"Mm," Holly murmured, her eyes still set on their hands.
Gail smiled. "Because she says you are to me all the time."
Holly looked at her, then. She frowned, a bit. "When do you speak to her?"
Gail's smile only got wider. "You think I don't hunt people down and interrogate them every time I leave this room?"
Holly didn't know whether she was being serious or not and her expression indicated as much. The corner of her mouth upturned a little and her eyes were a little brighter. "No you don't," she said, her tone a little lighter, too.
Gail squeezed Holly's fingers within her grasp. "Oh I do," she teased. "I have a firearm, they definitely don't tell me lies."
Holly snuggled further into her bed and held onto Gail's hand a little tighter. "Well then maybe I'll believe you," she yawned, her eyes dropping closed.
There was a comfortable silence for a few minutes, Gail reveling in her girlfriends touch. It always calmed her, in fact ever since Holly woke up Gail found an amazing amount of peace watching her sleep. Being in her company when no one else was. Feeling Holly's hands on her again. It was like magic.
"I saw Traci today," Holly said softly, her fingers tracing along the top of Gail's hand, along her wrist and down her forearm.
Gail immediately felt something flare inside her at the mention of Traci's name. She knew it shouldn't, but it did all the same. She breathed out slowly as she tried to let it go but she felt the anger regardless. She knew it would be a while before it dissipated, but she tried not to let it show. "Oh yeah?" Gail responded, knowing Traci was going to question Holly but not entirely sure when it would be.
"Yeah," Holly said, sensing something going on but she decided not to ask about it. She knew Gail would tell her when she was ready.
"Well I hope she went easy on you," Gail smiled, the soothing dance of Holly's fingertips against her skin doing absolute wonders.
"She did," Holly smiled in return.
Gail though, could see there was something else. She sat up a little straighter. "What is it?" she asked, hoping something else Traci did that day wasn't about to piss her off as well.
Holly swallowed, and again she looked at their hands. "Just a couple of times I couldn't find my words," she admitted quietly, immediately becoming bashful. It made Holly feel weak and inadequate, and she hated that.
Gail lifted her head off her hand and dropped her fingers to Holly's thigh, doing her best to feel her skin through the hospital sheet.
"It just made me feel stupid-"
"-Holly there's no way you're stupid." Gail hated that Holly felt that way and she wished she could take it away but she knew she couldn't.
"I know," Holly said, and then she shook her head. She just felt frustrated, yet again. "It's just," and she pushed her head back in the pillows, "what if I don't get better, you know? What if it's always like this?"
Gail shook her head, "It won't be," she began, rather forcefully. "You will get better-"
"I know," Holly cut her off, and she hoped she would but it was always right there at the back of her head. What if she didn't? What then? She felt the frustration intensify and she didn't really know what to do with it. "You know I spent most of today naming all of the bones in the human hand." She smiled sadly. "You know how far I got?"
Gail shook her head, "No," she conceded, getting a sudden sinking feeling.
"I could only name twenty." Then her tone got a little louder. "Twenty. I mean how rubbish is that?"
Gail pulled her lips to the side. "It's more than I could name."
Holly tried to keep her emotion at bay. "But you're not a forensic pathologist," she started with a stunted breath. "What if I can never remember? What if they don't come back to me?"
"They will," Gail interjected.
"But what if they don't?" Holly was getting upset now, feeling anger rise within her. "I feel so dumb."
Gail looked down, her fingers gripping onto Holly as much as they could. "Honey you will never be dumb."
"But I feel it," Holly said a little louder, not in distress at Gail, only at herself. "I'm scared it won't come back," and then her eyes sort of gave in. "I'm petrified."
Gail felt the emotion too and it was all balling up in her chest. She exhaled slowly. "Do you think I'm dumb?" she asked, her tone completely soft.
Holly closed her eyes. "You know I don't," she said, blowing a breath out slowly. "I've never thought that."
There was a moment as Gail thought about how to phrase what she wanted to say. She wanted to be supportive but she needed to get Holly thinking about it differently. She and Grace had spoke about when Holly might get like this, and they had a plan.
Gail moved her position a little and picked up Holly's hand, the one that was closest to her and she held it tightly between her fingers, bringing it to her lips as her elbows dug into the mattress. She placed a chaste kiss on Holly's knuckles. "Well, honey, you will always be the smartest person I have ever met. Maybe just, look at it another way. Just laugh when you can't find a word-"
"-But it's not funny."
"I know it's not," Gail said. This time her tone firm. "But just find out what the word is and you'll have it for next time."
Holly didn't look convinced.
Gail searched her mind for something else. "Maybe I can bring your journals in, like the ones at home and you can read them. Familiarise yourself with all those long words you love so much." Gail shrugged. "Maybe that'll help."
Holly pondered it. Maybe that would help, it couldn't hurt, she supposed.
"But baby you gotta understand," Gail started carefully, her eyes worried at how much Holly was struggling with this. "It's going to take a while. You're not going to be better next week. You have to be patient."
Holly just looked at her and she was reminded once more exactly why she loved her. Gail was all kinds of amazing, and she was totally lucky to have her. She smiled, and pushed out another calming breath. "I'm not very good at being patient."
Gail grinned. "Really?" she didn't believe that. "You were always patient with me."
"Well," and Holly's lips pulled into her sideways grin. "That's different."
Gail raised her eyebrows, her jaw squaring a little. "Oh, really?"
"Mmm. I always knew I would get you in the end."
Gail laughed, deeply and genuinely. It was contagious, and Holly laughed along with her.
After a moment or so Holly looked at Gail with such affection it almost made her blush. "You were worth the wait," Holly said, rather softly.
Gail had to clear her throat. "Well now that you have me, what next?"
Holly bit on her bottom lip and her eyes Gail was certain, went several shades deeper. "Now I have you I don't want to be patient."
Gail felt a shiver run through her, right through her side, up her spine and it hit her smack in the chest. Gail almost jumped with it it was that sudden, but it certainly wasn't unwelcome. It was the first flicker of desire she had felt since Holly woke up and it was all of a sudden raging. She coughed again as she tried to push it down and then she looked away, the blush definitely finding her cheeks this time.
Holly just grinned all the more, her voice going a little bit husky. "You know that's my favourite sweater of yours," she said, her eyes roaming all over Gail's sort of zebra print sweater.
"I know," Gail grinned, still looking away.
"It's the one you had on in the Penny that time when you kept throwing me looks across the bar-"
"-As you were sat with someone else." Gail finished for her.
"Mm," Holly swallowed, her breath catching in her throat. "That's when I was certain you wanted me. Especially every time I looked at you and you'd just look away."
"Nothing wrong with your memory, then," Gail said, remembering that was exactly the way it happened, too. She coughed again, trying to compose herself.
"You're cute when you're jealous."
"Hmm," and then Gail regarded her. "You know you need to stop looking at me like that," she said, secretly enjoying it but knowing she was going to need some ice-water if they didn't change the subject soon.
"Like what?" Holly asked, just looking at her like that all the more.
The grin almost fell off the sides of Gail's face. "Like I'm your favourite nummy treat."
Holly laughed. "But you are my favourite nummy treat."
Gail took a deep breath. This she knew, and of course Holly was hers too. "You need to stop making me horny, Stewart."
"But I like making you horny."
Gail felt it resonate through her and she couldn't quite believe, after all this time, after everything that had happened, after she thought she might lose her here Holly was, saying these things to her again and she was absolutely gutted she couldn't do anything about it. It was just far, far too soon.
Gail just swallowed, thickly and painfully and the lip she had been chewing on she released from between her teeth. "Maybe we should wait till you can move a bit better," she tried, and then she thought about it a little clearer. She frowned, "and definitely until we're home."
Holly blew out a breath. "I'm not sure I can wait that long."
Gail smiled. "Well I think we'll have too."
Holly pouted, and it just made Gail giggle.
"Well how about you just kiss me, then?" Holly asked, "Before we get some sleep?"
Gail pretended to ponder it. "That I can definitely do."
Holly then dropped the suggestiveness, knowing full well she wouldn't be ready for anything for a couple of months at least, as upsetting as that thought was. Besides after the day she'd had she felt emotionally spent, and all she wanted was for Gail to lay beside her.
"Are you going to stay?" Holly asked, her eyes completely hopeful.
Gail got up and sat on the edge of the bed, Holly's hand still firmly between her own. "I'll always stay," she whispered, before she reached down to capture her girlfriend's lips in a slow and languid kiss, the promise of passion however smouldering just beneath the surface.