Don't own South Park, Bewitched, Or Keeping Up With the Kardashians...
Comedy Central, Matt and Trey own South Park...
ABC owns Bewitched...
Ryan Seacrest, E! TV and Kris Jenner own the Kardashians...
Enjoy guys ;') xxx...
Craig's POV: Two weeks had passed since the Kardashians decided to set up camp in our town... To everyone's suprise they didnt order a huge house to be built... In fact they just moved into the two houses down the street from Bebe Steven's house... Of course they demanded the walls be knocked down and have the house transformed into a 5 star hotel like setting... Even worse is that the ugly Kardashian's kid is now in the pre-school class.. Not alot of praise going that kid's way is all I can say... To give everyone an update on "God" and his Queen they have just been acting like complete assholes, only furthering Garrison's bizzare behaviour and alcohol problem...
I was sat listening to some good rock music, Tweek was busy reading a book that Garrison demanded we read... Lucky when you're dating a Witch.. Dont have to write shit...
"You know Craig.. Even though I can replicate your handwriting your a real douchebag..." Tweek fumed, he was real pissed off having to read an entire book and then falsify my handwriting as well... "Ahh I cant be bothered with it.. I mean Garrison should keep sticking $20's in Kim K's g string..." I replied with a bored tone... Not much was on the TV, mind you is there ever? Only last week me and Tweek were on a roadtrip in the Swiss Alps but yeahh I'm still bored... Mom and Dad had decided to go their seperate ways, albeit they were both living in the same house and still hating each other.. Dad now had a permanent matress next to the TV.. He didn't even bother to get out of bed these days, He'd call Domino's pizza, drink his vodka and just watch TV... I feel bad for the Domino's guy having to drive all the way from Connifer in this shitty weather but hey it's his job not mine...
Not to mention the fact he has to put up with my dad's verbal abuse when he knocks on the door.. I mean shit no wonder the delivery guy has changed 5 times this week...
Thank god Family Guy was on... That and American Dad! are the only things I can really handle... Call my sense of wit and intellectualism infantile if you will. I'll just flip you off and you'll be in an even worse situation than when you started... "Aah gee Lois.. I mean last time I saw John Travolta he was trying to dig Marlon Brando up.." Peter Griffin laughed on the TV set.. My god Seth MacFarlene is what you call a fucking genius... "Ohh Peetaahh, you cant keep ditching your responsibilities with me and the kids!" Lois groaned back...
"Seriously? You actually like this garbage?" Tweek huffed, ha screw him he aint got a sense of humour... "Sorry but never mind Kanye West and Fatass.. Peter Griffin is God.." I replied without conviction... Tweek was pissed off enough so I didn't wanna anger him... Only last week I was transformed into a warthog.. Wasn't fun to say the least...
"Oh my god... You been to one of Cartman's church meetings?" Tweek laughed, he just started giggling madly... Hope that book report gets done though...
"Naah, just voyeuristically spying on the lives of the Griffins.." I chuckled, He just threw me a look of confusion and went back to reading...
Suddenly the door knocked, Linda Stotch was stood outside... Great what the hell does she want? "Ohh hi there Craig... Have you seen Butters? Me and Chris are awfully worried... I mean he said he had a bit of a falling out with Eric Cartman and we haven't seen him in two days.." Linda quickly rambled... Knew it, Cartman got pissed off and now he's decided to do away with Butters.. Real shame considering that's the only person in the entire world who will put up with his garbage...
"Umm naah.. I ain't seen him man.." Was all I could think to say... "Please! My son is missing! Just tell everyone you know to look out for him!" Linda begged... I reassured her that yes I'd let everyone know that Butters had gone on walk-about... When she was satisfied I would follow her distinct commands she went on her way...
Surely no doubt to gossip to her husband Chris about how shit my house looks... Pfft who cares at least I aint got a stick permanently wedged up my ass like her...
"What did Nosey Norma want?" Tweek asked... "Aaah shit if I know man... Something to do with Butters. Oh yeah I think Cartman's killed Butters.." I mumbled back.. Couldn't be bothered with any of that garbage.. "GAH! Butters is dead?! Shit we gotta go looking for him!" Tweek screched... He quickly snapped his fingers and on the two pieces of paper was a lot of writing.. "I'll have to finish that later... Damn Linda Stotch and her handiwork!" He muttered... We went out at that moment and spent the next two hours searching the town...
Damn and aint nobody else shown up, god Craig you are way too generous for your own nature man...
Tweek said he was gonna check Facebook to see what was happening.. I decided to sit down and have a smoke... Shit maybe I should quit these, after a few miles I'm wheezing like Cartman after an episode of SNL... Just then I saw some movement in the bushes about 10 yards away from the tree... The tree was a good waypoint when you were at Stark's Pond... It's kinda like a landmark of sorts, well shit not that the land that surrounds it is paved with gold...
Talk of the devil, there was Butters, albeit he had a huge scar across his stomach... When is Lianne Cartman gonna hide the kitchen knives man... Seriously... As soon as he saw me he screamed for his life... I had to spend the next few minutes explaining that it wasn't Cartman and we were here to help...
"TWEEK! TWEEK! I FOUND HIM!" I yelled, Tweek came running over, instantly vomiting as soon as he saw the ammount of blood... "JESUS!" He screamed...
"Please! Don't take me back to Eric's house! Please!" Butters begged, he broke down in an almost Mr Garrison esque fit...
"You gotta believe me! Eric's gone mad! He tried to kill me! I had to play dead for like 2 hours!" Butters yelled.. He was obviously very shook up.. Not that that meant anything.. I mean he has been putting up with Cartman's bullshit for years now.. Next week they'll be best pals again...
"Ohh please man.. Next week you'll have Cartman's dick in your mouth... Not to mention about 20 other people.." I suddenly sighed, putting my face in my hands...
"Sorry to say it Butters but he's got a point.." Tweek added, Butters looked at us as though we were both criminally insane...
"No I mean it this time! Eric's mad!" Butters whined, he sat up and instantly more blood oozed from the deep gaping wound...
"Look shit man we need to get him to a hospital he's seriously gonna bleed to death!" I complained, I didn't want blood on my hands.. I can deal with the craziness of this town and the notion if I ever piss my other half off that I could be banished to Neptune, but death? Naah that's way too crazy...
Just like that Tweek clicked his fingers, and Butters was fine.. His almost fatal wounds were gone and he had a new set of clothes...
He was in a far too traumatic state to notice the witchcraft... Tweek snapped his fingers again and just like that Butters vanished into thin air..
"Sooo.. Almost dead people and book reports done... What do you wanna do?" Tweek asked... Shit that's a hard one I'm very painfully bored and I have no idea what would absorb my glib state of mind... "Well I did enjoy going back into the past... And before you throw up red flags.. I dont wanna deal with anyone from this town..." I muttered silently, Tweek looked at me with a sort of pissed off look but then seemed to calm down... "Well you need to be specific.. And god damn it Craig we're not changing anything! I don't care if you wanna stop 9/11 or make the moon landing happen in 1937!" Tweek fumed...
"Naah man it would just be cool to go to a club in the late early 80s and listen to some funky tunes..." I replied, that was a crazy little dream of mine... To go to Studio 54 in it's heyday... Yeah i was born 30 or so years too late but when your dating a Witch that is nowhere near a problem... I mean Tweek could sort you out a kilo of moon rock if you asked nicely enough.. "Please be more specific Craig. I can't work on a nightclub and funky tunes.." Tweek sighed, facepalming at the notion of my not so descriptive nature...
"Umm okay how about 23rd of July 1981, New York City?" I mumbled, damn he is in a real bad mood over that whole book report thing...
"Okay take my hand then... In a few minutes we'll be 30 something years in the past.." Tweek mumbled...
And just like that we were in the middle of Central Park, albeit 33 years in the past... "Wow this is fucking awesome dude!" I heard myself saying.. A lot of people were looking at us with strange looks.. We seemed to be the only ones who didn't have crazy hair and baggy unflattering clothes on... "Ohh shit yeah.. We are not blending in at all.." Tweek muttered...
He snapped his fingers and just like that we looked like we were about to audtion for Van Halen... Shit if Cartman could see us now it would never be the end of it...
We walked down the street and there it was Times Square... I'd only been with my dad once when I was 6.. He wasn't such a heavy drinker back then...
"Excuse me do you know where we can find like a club?" Tweek asked some random black guy... He was stood with another two black guys, a Latino with turquoise hair and a young woman with straw-like two toned, bleach blonde and gingery brown hair.. "If you guys are looking for a club I know a great one on Lower East... I'm Madonna, by the way..." The girl mumbled, shit no way... Wow my dad was right she was hot...
"Yo M your daddy's coming from Michigan today.. You said you was gonna meet him?" The Latino guy with blue hair ranted...
"Not now Juan.. These kids need help.. I remember when I scooched on over to the Apple... Aint easy believe me.." The future Queen of Pop mumbled...
Tweek looked like he was about to die.. It was no secret that him and his folks were big hardcore fans of Madonna...
"If you guys see a guy called Tony, tell him Noni's with friends guys! Ciao!" Madonna yelled, her natural exuberism something that would be countlessly exploited in a few years...
And just like that we were like two little lapdogs following the Italian-American charmer down the street.. Already a lot of people were stopping to say hi to her...
It was obvious that she already knew how to work her charms.. Tweek was just completely silent, he seemed pissed off about going back in time but right now it seem's his concerns had faded...
"Soo where you guys from? Can I just say your style is so edgy! I'm going for the more Greta Garbo meets Sid Vicious vibe but I love it!" Madonna asked, I hope when we get back to 2014 she isnt sporting a chullo or I will be pissed off... "Umm we're from Colorado.." Tweek muttered.. Madonna then went on for about another half an hour about how she had produced a record and was looking for the right guy who could shoot her to stardom... "I mean my song 'Everybody' could be a huge dance hit... It just needs a good remix and a club following.." She continued, obviously the expert on handling her own career...
Damn she ain't gotta worry about nothing.. By 2014 that young impressionable girl will be worth over a billion dollars..
"You know ma'am I have no doubt it will be a hit.." I heard myself mumbling, Tweek just looked at me with a confused look... Damnit no one said complementing a future megastar could alter the course of history? "Not to mention Like a Virgin.." Tweek suddenly mumbled... The young trendsetter suddenly stopped in her tracks...
"What did you just say? I like that idea.. Oh my god I so need to write that down later!" She replied with glee.. Haha turns out Nile Rogers didn't write that song after all then..
Me and Tweek could sue that guy for millions... Wow you really learn alot going back in time.. If creating crazy paradoxes count as learning...
"Make sure you wear a wedding dress by the way.. It really pisses people off for some reason.." I added... She just seemed to be taking all sorts of mental notes.. Completely unaware her career was being shaped by two kids from 33 years in the future...
And just like that, we were outside a sleazy bar.. The neon sign said 'Last Hopes'.. Damn and the best selling female artist of all time hangs out here? Wow you learn something new every day... "Okay I hope you guys have fun.. Me I gotta make a trip to Paris... Later.." Madonna waved, as she walked down the street numerous people stopped to gawk at her unusual sense of fashion... The club inside looked really filthy, it stank of cheap beer and even cheaper imported ciggarettes... I forgot how back in the 80s the Lower East aint so glamorous... Tweek didn't seem to happy with the venue either... "Craig lets go... Honestly we can just go on YouTube and listen to 80s shit..." Tweek complained...
"YouTube? What the hell is YouTube boy? Is that a new show on TV?" Some random guy asked... Honestly wow, I think that guy tried to mold himself after Krusty The Clown when he got dressed this morning... "Yeah it's a show on TV... Come on Craig!" Tweek insisted, pulling on my arm...
We walked out into the street.. Damn there sure was a lot of people... When you live somewhere as quiet and boring (well maybe not boring) as South Park; the big city can be quite refreshing... "Okay we need to go back to our time.." Tweek mumbled... "Naah dude let's go somewhere else.." I suggested... Tweek huffed and put his face in his hands...
"Okay Tucker where do you wanna go now?" Tweek asked, the boredom in his voice eerily present...
"How about we go to Santa Barbara in the 50s? I could do with a spot of sunbathing.." I suggested...
"Santa Barbara, June 6th 1959 maybe?" I added... Tweek took my hand and after the almost blinding white light faded we were stood on a beach... The music was blaring out on huge speakers and some girls were playing volleyball down the other side of the beach... A few people stopped to look at us in our ridiculous 1980s outfits..
"Oh my god! That's almost as bad as Marilyn Monroe's lewd performance the other night at the theatre!" A tall ginger woman hissed...
"I know honey.. Seriously what woman would want people to stare up her dress?" Her husband added.. It's people like that that drive numerous celebrities down the dark path.. And then suddenly it's a few days later and their dead... I don't get the reason for haters, I mean if you dont like something why put your head through it? Just another example of the complex human psyche...
Tweek changed our clothes and we went exploring around the town, It seriously felt like we had just stepped onto the set of Grease.. All the biker guys, the pretty Mary-Sue's walking down the street in their long embroidered skirts... Tweek led me into a diner.. Great thinking I am absoloutely starving!
We sat down in a booth and suddenly a very buxom black waitress came up to us.. "Can I get you folks something to eat?" She asked, It was the late 50s so she looked real depressed. Sadly it would be a few years until Dr Martin Luther King would stand up for the rights of black people..
"Umm just get us both a cup of coffee and a steak dinner or something.." Tweek mumbled, he got some cash out of his wallet.. Sadly though that was money from our time...
"Boy you playing a joke on me? I could report you for giving me counterfeit notes.." The black girl replied... Shit Tweek.. I don't mind visiting the 50s but I dont much like the idea of having to live through the next 60 years...
Tweek suddenly manifested some 1950s money when the girl wasn't looking.. "Here! GAH! I'm real sorry about the mixup!" Tweek yelped, obviously getting real worked up...
"Okay.. Two steak dinners and a cup of coffee coming right up sugar..." The girl smiled, going on her way...
It was nice just looking out the window, damn America sure has changed... Not alot of people get to just randomly time travel and observe things like this... It was a real pleasure and honour... When we were done eating we went back down the beach... We just sat watching the Californian sun going down...
"Can we please go back now? Craig if we miss out on this report Garrison is gonna fail us..." Tweek exclaimed.. Ahh shit not that I really wanna prolong this situation any more myself but damn modern day Colorado aint too interesting either... I silently nodded my head, and with a click of his fingers we were both back in my lounge...
We spent the rest of the night watching TV, Well I was watching TV.. Tweek was way too busy fumbling to get the book reports done.. Even though Garrison now had Kanye West and the Kardashian-Jenners to keep him company he was still a self-loathing alcoholic douchebag... He would still go crazy I mean that was certain...
Tweek at last got the book reports done at 11:30... It was a good job my Mom and Dad were out drinking.. They wouldn't agree with us two just sitting here aimlessly...
In the end we decided to go to Kenny's.. Sadly however we were not the only people there.. Stan, Kyle Cartman and Wendy were there... Don't get why Wendy is in such close promixity to the Fatass but hey we just altered history twice today so.. Kinda says volumes.. Alas it seemed that Wendy and Cartman still hated each other.. Fortunately for us giving one Madonna Ciccone career advice hadn't doomed the world.
They were all watching the Russell Crowe show for some reason.. Oh my god I can remember in 4th grade when everyone in town had to sit through it to see the new Terrance and Phillip trailer... Why the fuck they were watching it now I had no idea... "Soo is Russell Crowe the big thing on TV now?" I asked plainly... "No god damn it! We're watching it because Garrison and Kim Kardashian have done a commercial for Pepsi!" Cartman yelled...
"Right kids! Now we're in England! These skanky bastards love a good fight! What are you looking at you fucking vagina? I'm Russell Crowe you bastard!" Crowe screamed on the TV set, suddenly accosting some random guy who dared to look at him...
"God I can't believe they call this garbage television.." Wendy huffed, only to have a very dirty look thrown at her by Cartman...
The first set of commercials came on and then suddenly there was Garrison and Kim Kardashian...
"If you wanna look as hot as me all you gotta do is drink Pepsi cola.." Kim moaned on the TV, countless different camera angles zooming into her heavily made up face...
"And if you wanna succeed as a teacher..." Garrison continued... "Drink Pepsi Cola.." They both moaned in a faux sexual voice...
"PEPSI COLA! THE NUMBER ONE DRINK FOR KIM KARDASHIAN AND SOME RANDOM GUY WE GOT OFF THE STREET!" A loud voice interupted.. Then the Pepsi Cola logo flashed on the screen..
Sadly though after that we still had to listen to the mindless exploits of Russell Crowe.. Apparently Kenny found it slightly funny... No one would argue with Kenny in his own house, his mother was far too psycho... "So kids now we're in Los Angeles.. These poncy fairies have no idea how to fight! Ain't that right Tugger?" Crowe boomed, his tugboat looked very depressed having to put up with such an idiot... Suddenly the camera zoomed into a young black couple... "Oh my god Denise! It's Russell Crowe!" The guy pointed...
"OH MY GOD IT'S RUSSELL CROWE! YOU FUCKING BASTARD!" Crowe screamed.. And then for the next 5 minutes we saw him beating the guy into a pulp...
It was then that I decided we should make our exit... No weed is a good enough reason to put up with the mindless exploits of a crazy Australian...
"Later Ken.. You guys will have to tell us what Russell Crowe got up to.." I muttered plainly... Kenny saw us to the door and we started the long walk back to Tweek's house..
When we got in, his Mom and Dad were both watching the TV.. Sadly to say it was the Russell Crowe show.. Thank god Tweek has a TV in his room...
"I TOLD YOU I'M LOOKING FOR THAT CUNT IGGY AZALEA! AUSTRALIAN! WHAT WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT!" Crowe screamed from the TV set...
"Ohh Sarah isn't Russell Crowe comedy genius... Terrible actor and songwriter.. Brilliaint comedian!" Richard laughed...
"Ohh Richard If I hadn't met you Lord knows I'd be doing some favours for Russell Crowe!" Tweek's mom laughed... Eww that image is stuck in my head now...
"I'm real sorry Mr Crowe but Ms Azalea isn't here she's in Miami!" The guy on the TV protested... "I DON'T BLOOMING CARE IF SHE'S IN MIAMI! IF YOU CLAIM TO BE AUSTRALIAN I WILL KICK YOUR BLOODY ARSE!" Crowe bellowed... Me and Tweek headed upstairs... It's really suprised me how Cartman isn't Russell Crowe's BFF they have the almost exact personality...
When we got in there I threw myself on the bed... I mean I haven't sat down since the 50s so I deserve a good rest... Tweek put on some really angsty sort of tunes... Didn't have a clue who it was but the words made some weird sort of sense... The lyrics were kind of gothic, dark and fucked up but I dont know It was okay...
"Soo of Russell Crowe and time travel? At least I got you honey.." Tweek smiled... "Shit yeah! Too right!" I replied with gusto... He seemed to be in a horny sort of mood, but with his folks sat downstairs... Naah not too appealing...
"Tweek I don't want a photo of you and me doing it in the family album.." I complained, he just burst out laughing... Okay I didn't mean for that to sound funny but yeah, just another little misfortune on my part...
He snapped his fingers and just like that we were laying on a matress in a very dark wood somewhere... "Okay Tweekers where are we?" I found myself asking...
"I dont know man somewhere in Austria... I don't have exact co-ordinates.." He replied with a bored tone... Damnit Austria! I can literally hear Cartman screaming with pleasure at the thought of coming here... I mean shit his number one idol came from this country...
"Sleazy motel just aint your cup of coffee I guess?" I sarcastically replied.. "Haha who said the middle of the woods can't be sleazy?" Tweek laughed, flashing me that smile that could sail a thousand ships...
Suddenly i found our clothes had dissapeared... Damn this kid's libido has just shot through the roof.. "I want you to do me Tucker.. Right now.." Tweek demanded...
"Haha as you say my witchy little friend.." I laughed, honestly dating a Witch has so many upsides it is crazy...
So I stuck my dick in him and heard him groan... It kinda echoed seeing as we are in such a vast open space... "Yo Tweekers try and keep it down.. We don't want the locals and their opinions.." I muttered, I was far too busy plowing said blonde to put any interest or depth to my words..
"Ohh shut up and keep doing what your doing!" Tweek moaned, damn this kid drives me wild... I cummed way too early... "Oh my god really?" Was all Tweek said...
He snapped his fingers and just like that I was hard as a rock again... Haha Witches, Better than Viagra...
"That is a nice little trick..." I giggled... Just like that we were both all over each other again... Rutting like wild beasts in the middle of nowhere...
When we were done Tweek snapped his fingers.. I found us both fully clothed back in his bedroom... Well so much for our Austrian excursion is all I can say...
I just sat there thinking about the events of the day.. I'd met a world famous popstar before they were famous... Went walking in Santa Barbara in the late 50s.. And had to endure Russell Crowe's nonsense just to watch Mr Garrison and Kim Kardashian grinding all over each other...
Just another regular day in South Park...
A:N/ Haha! It was so hard writing as Madonna! I had to watch Who's That Girl, And Desperately Seeking Susan to get her speech patterns right... What about Garrison and Kim K's commercial? And just the Kardashians in general? Will the Mayor petition to have them banned from town?
Find out next time my darlings xoox
Love, Sally XXX