Ah geez, you guys sorry it's been so long. Real life interferes as usual. But the good news is that you get two chapters! *muppet flail*

Thanks for the kudos and comments you guys are awesome. Shout out to the awesome guest reviewers that I can't reply to. One of you asked a good question about the singularity and I'd be happy to clarify. But I wasn't sure how to answer you since as a guest you can't message and I can't message you. Sorry! :(

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoy it! :D

Chapter 25

Barry went to ground after the night in Joe's kitchen. He didn't answer his phone. He didn't respond to her texts. Iris spent the evening being consoled by Joe over chili and cornbread. When Barry didn't return before she went home she left him a covered bowl and plate of cornbread. Joe later told her that Barry didn't come back until after he'd gone to bed and cleaned out the entire chili pot and any remaining cornbread. Iris took that to mean that he'd probably spent most of the night running. It certainly felt appropriate. Barry left before Joe got up the next morning.

Over the next few days all the attempts Iris made to get in contact with Barry were ignored. Even surprise visits to the precinct, S.T.A.R. Labs and the house were frustrated. She walked into the house the next evening and only the still-fluttering pages of the magazine on the coffee table alerted her that Barry had just vacated the premises. A sudden drop-in to the lab resulted in the hallway being illuminated as he raced away once he realized she was there. S.T.A.R. Labs was too big to chase him down, she didn't even try.

She was getting truly pissed.

Joe could only shrug and listen to her grumble. His attempts to talk to Barry about Iris had been met with stony silence. Barry would barely communicate about current cases in anything more than monosyllables. He was keeping a low profile. Even the team at S.T.A.R. Labs was aware that things had taken a bad turn, not that he was talking to them either. Once, Caitlin had attempted to take advantage of Barry's open comm while he was on patrol to start a conversation about it. Barry had deliberately run alongside a blaring train to drown her out until she stopped trying. Nothing anyone said made a difference.

By the third day, it was all out war. Iris called in the heavy artillery and didn't feel the slightest bit bad about it.

Barry stepped into the main cortex after work and headed for his suit. Cisco looked up, obviously waiting for him. "Hey, Barry. You sure you want to patrol tonight? You can take a night off, you know."

"It's fine." Barry zipped in and emerged in his suit, mask already in place. Cisco spoke quickly before the other man could head out without talking.

"Look, Barry. Do you want to talk about what's bothering you?" It was about the fiftieth time Cisco had offered. Barry was starting to look gaunt. Shadows were collecting under his eyes. Cisco wondered if he was sleeping much at all.

Barry stared at the exit as if wishing he were through it. "I don't want to talk about it."

That in itself was disturbing. Barry was usually open to talking with people when he had problems. Cisco eyed him across the room, suddenly reminded of Iris right after Eddie's funeral. "Barry, come on man, it's been three days."

"I don't. Want. To talk. About it." Barry's tone was final.

"Okay. Have a good patrol, I'll let you know if we get anything."

"Thanks." Barry was out of the room instantly. Cisco sighed and pulled out his phone as he sat at the console. Caitlin, Ronnie and Martin slipped into the room from where they'd been waiting down the hallway.

"Is he patrolling?" Caitlin looked nervous.

"Yup."

"Okay. I'll text Iris."

Barry had run the streets of Central City so much lately he felt like he was wearing a path. He also felt like he was going in circles, which was probably because he was. He moved in and out of traffic with ease and started his runs up and down blocks, all senses alert for any trouble.

He knew this couldn't last forever. He was going to have to talk to Iris at some point unless he wanted to abandon their friendship completely, and he certainly didn't want to do that. But the realization the other night that it was now impossible to ignore the chemistry and tension between them had driven him completely out of her range, he was so terrified. They couldn't ignore it anymore, they couldn't pretend. All he could try to do right now was avoid her for a little while and hope things calmed down. Maybe with some time it would get back to where they were or at least a bit closer to it.

He knew Iris must be hurting too, and all he really wanted to do was comfort her and help her feel better. But he didn't know how to do that without just giving her what she wanted, and that terrified him more than words could say.

His thoughts were interrupted by Cisco on the comm.

"Barry, hostage situation on the top of a building. Be careful going in."

"Where? How many hostages?"

"Not sure we have very little info."

"Address?"

"Um, the system has some kind of glitch, the address isn't popping up."

"Well I don't have time for you to reboot it!"

"I know. Follow my directions and I'll lead you in. Please be careful when you get there."

"Okay, ready."

"Turn right. Left. Straight two blocks, then a left and straight up the corner building. The roof has a patio-type thing. No police there yet." Cisco's words concluded just as Barry reached the roof and came to a halt, already sweeping the area for a gunman.

"Wait. This is—Cisco!"

"Sorry, man it's for your own good!" Cisco's voice was rushed and slightly panicked.

"You—" but Cisco had already turned off the comm, Barry heard the sound of an open line disconnect. He stood for a moment, bathed in light on the rooftop of Jitters, and then his shoulders sagged as he exhaled. "You can't keep doing this." He raised his voice slightly, unsure where to direct it in the open space.

Iris rose from a chair in a dark corner. "Then maybe you should answer your phone. Or stop running away." She took several steps closer to him, moving slowly in the dim light. She took it as a good sign that he didn't bolt.

Barry was watching her warily. "What do you want?"

Her look was incredulous. "You know what I want, Barry. Or who I want. But right now I want to talk."

"I can't talk right now, Iris." He made a futile gesture with his hand. "I'm on patrol." Even to his ears it sounded weak. He turned away, ready to leave. Her voice stopped him.

"We have to talk, Barry. It can't go on like this." Still facing away from her, he just shook his head helplessly, unsure what to say. She could tell he was seconds away from running again. "You know when you came to live with us, you were afraid of the dark. I understood that. You were afraid of Tony, and with good reason. And when we were fourteen we watched that prison movie and you were terrified your dad would be killed in prison, do you remember that? I have watched you be afraid of many things over the years, Barry Allen, but I have never thought of you as a coward. Until now."

She watched as his head dipped. He stared at the ground for a moment. "Maybe I am." His head came up and he turned around. His hands came up and pushed his mask and hood off, showing her his face. "But I don't know what else to do anymore."

Her feet carried her several steps closer before she even realized it. "You can talk to me! Help me understand what the problem is!"

"I don't—know—I can't—"

"Barry." Her voice cut off his disjointed efforts. "I love you. Do you love me?" Even though she was almost positive of the answer, she waited in suspense.

It was almost alarming how fast expressions flitted across his face. His eyes were wide with fear and distress. It was starting to become his default expression with her. But she could see he was also taking her in. He was registering the pain and suffering on her face, the beseeching quality in her eyes that she knew must be there. That was what did it, actually seeing her pain. He swallowed hard and then nodded. His voice was low but she still caught it. "Yes. I still love you."

She managed to breathe again, exhaling a shaky breath of relief before she spoke again. She had no idea why but his use of the word still made her heart ache and beat faster at the same time. "Then why can't we be together?"

He realized that there was no going back now. He'd always known it would come to this. She wouldn't quit until she got to the bottom of it. She was a true reporter and always had been. "We aren't meant to be together anymore. It's not going to last."

Her head tilted as she looked at him in disbelief. She pressed her lips together, buying some time so she could measure her words. "And how could you know that?"

"I—it's hard to explain. I just know, okay, and it's better—"

"Well I don't know! What I do know is that I love you and you love me and I want to be with you! We can last, Barry! We are meant to be together!"

"I can't—if we—I don't know if I can—" He stopped short, wrestling with inadequate words to put a label on how he was feeling. And God, was he feeling a lot. Dark clouds of emotion felt like they were welling up within him, overwhelming him with memories of despair and loss. He felt like he was drowning on a high tide, crushed under the churning waves, pressed to the breaking point and it didn't even fit the conversation he was having. He felt like he couldn't breathe. Something was wrong...

"Why are you so scared? Are you afraid of being happy?"

"No, I—maybe! Because—"

"Because you thought I chose Eddie? I told you how that went and I'm—."

"I know but it doesn't change how it felt! I can't feel that way again!"

He was starting to cry, and it was horrible. He had cried in front of Iris for years, but this felt so different. He was suffocating under the pressure, fracturing as he started to crack.

Iris stopped going on the offensive at that. Tears glimmered in her own eyes as she took in how he was breathing, how his hands came up to his head as if he were falling apart. She knew that feeling. How well she knew it. She took a few steps forward, finally closing the distance between them so that she could touch him. It felt like breaking through a wall. He shuddered as her hand touched his shoulders, but even that touch couldn't put him back together. He looked like he was seconds away from a full-blown panic attack. She had never seen him like this before. Never.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. We both did a lot of stupid things. I'm sorry you ever felt like you were second to Eddie. I'm so sorry it took me a while to figure this out. But Barry, even now you can't handle the idea of being with me. What's going on?"

He backed away from her and for a moment she thought he was going to run, but he just pressed up against the wall behind him and slid down it, sitting with his knees bent and his arms draped over them. His head hung as he stared at his lap and tried to breathe slower but his breathing was only coming in fits and starts. She followed him down and sat cross-legged in front of him, very glad she had worn pants today instead of a skirt. It was a few more minutes before he actually spoke again.

"Did—did Joe ever tell you that Eddie asked for his blessing when he wanted to propose?" He was still staring at his knees.

"No, he didn't." It was far and away not what she'd expected him to say. A lump rose in her throat just thinking about it. But she waited for Barry to continue.

"Well he did, and Joe wouldn't give it. Eddie asked me to talk to him so I did and Joe said that he was sure you had feelings for me, and that he was afraid you would say yes and get married and then realize later you'd made a mistake."

Iris shifted uncomfortably. It was disconcerting and really a bit annoying that her father knew her so well, that she was being discussed while oblivious to it all. And it was really irritating that her father was probably right. She swallowed the guilt that came with that thought.

"And I don't—I can't be that guy, Iris. I'm already the guy who couldn't save his mother, the guy who couldn't beat the Reverse Flash. I'm the guy who caused so much damage and chaos to the city. But I can't be the guy who loses you completely. It would ruin me."

She bypassed several things that she wanted to discuss, going for the main one instead. "What makes you think that would ever happen? I don't want you for a few years, I want you forever."

"I—Gid—I'm just afraid it won't work. Maybe I'm just too broken now."

"What is that supposed to mean? You aren't broken, Barry."

His eyes flickered up to meet hers for the first time since he'd sat down, and just the look in them told her she might be wrong. He looked haunted, and diminished somehow. "I went back to save my mom, and instead I listened to the Reverse Flash stab her. I had to hold her and tell her goodbye. And I came back to defeat the Reverse Flash once and for all. And I wasn't fast enough to beat him. Eddie had to do it, and he died. I never planned on causing that singularity, I was going to be fast enough and strong enough to make sure that didn't happen. And instead I did and I hurt so many people. And somewhere between closing it, being away and finally getting back from that other world; I think I just grew up. Things don't always turn out the way you plan or want them too." His voice was dull as he finished.

Iris stared at him, finally seeing it for the first time. "Barry. You didn't grow up. You gave up."

The look on his face made it clear that he had never really considered that possibility. His guarded barriers slid away as he stared at her, the full horror of it settling in. He suddenly couldn't breathe at all, the weight of it was too much and his sobs were choking and robbing him of breath as they emerged, clawing from deep down within him as he held his knees and cried.

The pieces fell into place as Iris reflected on it. He had given up, and that was why he was different. All of his calm, his entire well-adjusted demeanor since he returned had been a façade to shield the greater truth: He had given up on everything. It broke her heart to see clearly that he was still going through the motions of his daily life, complete with heroism as the Flash, and yet there was nothing behind it anymore. He had no hope left, and as a result he wasn't feeling deeply because feeling hurt too much. She wondered how many people were going through their lives in the same manner, so disillusioned by the world that they can't hope for any better but still appear to function on the outside.

And now she had pushed into his empty carefully guarded space and told him she loved him. She had pursued him and offered him his greatest dream, and he was terrified that if he allowed himself to feel that deeply again it would be ruined somehow. He'd be left that same broken hero who had sobbed over his mother's body, or worse. The man in a red suit who had lost everything. He was starting to feel again in spite of his best efforts because he still loved her, and that meant he was feeling everything he'd suppressed since he went back to save his mother. His protective front was cracking and falling, he couldn't maintain it anymore. But now that it was down, neither had any idea how this could turn out.

He was still sobbing bitterly, shocked at the truth of her words. His arms were wrapped tightly around his knees now, pulling himself in as far as possible. Iris could tell the full impact of the past events was rolling over him, probably for the first time since they had actually happened. She had dealt with most of hers months ago and the last of it just recently with Barry's help. But Barry had spent that time just trying to get back to his own world, and it had been a useful distraction. She was grateful that now that the time had arrived at least he didn't have to do it alone. She could do for him what he had done for her.

She moved next to him and wrapped her arms around him. He allowed it and burrowed into her shoulder, letting her hold him together. He wept as she held him close. Words began to spill out of him, and she let them, knowing it was necessary.

"He killed her, Iris. I listened to her scream...and I held her and told her I loved her...and that Dad and I were okay...but it was a lie...I'm not okay...Dad's still in prison...and I couldn't even beat him like I should have...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..."

She patted his shoulder and rubbed his back, whispering soothing murmured words over and over. It was all she could do. Gradually his sobs slowed as the storm passed, and his breathing became even and less jagged. He lifted his head off he shoulder to look at her. "You're right. I did give up."

She met his eyes again with tears shining in hers. "Did you give up on me?"

He looked at her, considering her words. Memories of his mantra while falling through the sky crept back. As long as I remember Iris, I'll be all right. The way everything had felt just a little off until he had finally seen her after his return. The way they hugged tightly for what had seemed like forever and he had never wanted to let go.

"No. You will always be the one who keeps me centered. I can't ever give up on you, it's not possible. But I did give up on me. I tried so hard to hold everything together, and it all fell apart. I was never going to be the one who could make you happy. I wasn't the one you wanted. I couldn't be the man you loved, no matter how hard I tried, and it hurt. And I can't change that feeling, Iris. It won't go away. What if in five years you decide you don't want to be with me anymore? Then I don't even have my best friend. I can't...do it again." His head lowered in defeat and his voice emerged muffled. "I was always so sure, you know? I was sure I could defeat him; sure I could get my dad out of jail. Sure I was the one who could make you happy..." his voice broke "but I'm not sure of anything anymore."

The tears she'd been holding until now spilled over as she reached to touch his hands, still draped over his knees. He allowed it and wrapped his fingers around hers, swallowing hard.

"You said you just want me to be happy again. I'm happiest with you." She was descending into small irrational arguments, she knew. But she didn't want to trap him with a loophole. She searched her mind for a better one even as he replied.

"I've been choosing to be happy with what I've got. It can be done. I'm sure you can do the same. We can save our friendship before it disappears."

"No, you're choosing to stay where you are and not try for something more when the opportunity is right there in front of you. That's not the same as choosing to be happy with circumstances outside of your control. I know who you got that phrase from, and believe me she didn't mean it that way." She gave him a penetrating look, and he closed his mouth because he couldn't argue with her on that one. Of all people, Iris West would know how Iris West-Allen thinks.

Just thinking about her alter-ego, married to Barry and pregnant with twins, going after what she wanted without fear gave Iris the courage to say out loud the thoughts she tried not to think about most of the time. Saying them aloud made them too real. But this was war, and she was holding nothing back.

"Barry, I'm scared that I'm always destined to lose you." He looked up in surprise, as she expected. "Look at the pattern. Every time I have you, I lose you somehow. In the future, the coma, another world..." A reluctant huff of laughter came from him, prompting her to smile. "You say you haven't given up on me. And I know that the one thing I will never give up on is you. I'm choosing you. I'm willing to take the chance of losing you in the future so I can have you now, and I'll treasure every moment I can get. Are you willing to do the same? You wasted years afraid to tell me how you felt. Are you going to waste more again, because you're afraid?"

She could read him like a book once more. His face was open and conflicted. He was afraid, but he so wanted to take the chance. For the first time she could see the glimmerings of hope reflected in his eyes. He opened his mouth...

The strident ringtone of a cell phone shattered the air. Barry blinked, thoroughly distracted. They looked at each other as it continued to ring. Iris attempted to ignore it but by the time whoever was calling got voicemail, hung up and called back again, she realized she was going to have to answer. She pulled out her phone and growled when she saw the caller. The look on her face was one that promised swift and extremely painful retribution. "Cisco, I swear to you..."

"I know I know I'm so sorry but it really is an emergency! There's a guy on a subway car threatening to blow himself up and there are people trapped inside!" Cisco's voice lowered, and she could hear the somber tone in it. "Look I am so sorry. But this is serious. We're heading out already, and I think we're going to be in over our heads. We need Barry."

"Okay." Her resigned sigh could be heard over the line as she handed the phone to Barry. He was wiping his eyes and took it from her with an apologetic look. He cleared his throat and put the phone to his ear. "Yeah...okay...yeah just give me a minute. Bye." He handed it back to Iris and stood up, getting ready to leave. He gave her a look she couldn't decipher and pulled his mask over his face.

"Barry..." she wasn't sure what to say and she knew they didn't have any more time, but she didn't want him leaving like this. Not while things were so unsettled between them, not when he was running into serious danger.

He must have been able to read it on her face. The next thing she knew she was in his arms, and his lips were on hers. She was being kissed by the Flash, but it felt just as earth-shattering as kissing Barry. His hands slipped under her hair to her neck, gently holding both sides as his thumbs rubbed her jawline. The brush of the pads on his gloves made her shiver, just like the feel of his suit as she ran her palms up it to his shoulders. The kiss was urgent, passionate, and over far too quickly. But it still left them both breathless as he stepped back from her, his hands trailing down her arms before he reluctantly let go altogether. She could see Barry's expression perfectly even under the mask but it still didn't help her decide what he was thinking.

"Goodbye." He sped away and down the building, heading toward the nearest subway station.

She watched him leave, rubbing her hands up and down her arms as she tried to decide where exactly they stood. She'd think they were going to be okay if his farewell hadn't sounded so final.

Yet another angsty ending, sorry! Things have to progress a certain way for it to feel natural to me, and heavy stuff like this doesn't just get instantly fixed in a moment. The next chapter is better and that was partly the reason I'm late updating, I was trying to give you a better stopping point. Next chapter should be up shortly! :)