Chapter 13
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She's standing in a white room, or laying, she can't really tell, she could be floating for all she knows. There are no sounds where she is, no colors and nobody but herself, but there is pain, endless pain that she can so clearly feel in every inch of her body.
When she opens her eyes she's forced to shut them close because the lights are too bright and her eyelids feel much heavier than what she's used to. She opens her mouth but a scream dies in her dry throat. She can't move, her arms and legs are confined and there is pain everywhere.
"Should we call someone? They said she'll be awake in a couple of hours, it's been almost six hours since they brought her in!"
Her mother's voice sounds far away but still recognizable to her ears. "Mom?" she hoarse out.
"Quinn!" in an instant her bed in surrounded by familiar faces, faces that she hasn't seen in so long and the feeling is so overwhelming that she cannot stop the tears from falling and relief from swelling in her chest. She has disappointed every single person watching over her right now and that's all she can think about.
"Lucy! Hey, baby sis" Charlotte has tears in her eyes and Quinn wants to reach out but her extremities are confined and she's confused, scared that she can't move.
"How are you feeling?" Judy has clearly decided to let her own tears fall without a care but Quinn can't speak, her mouth feels incredibly dry.
"Water?" Rachel asks and Quinn finally focuses on her because she can't understand why her ex-wife is here. By this point Quinn has noticed that she's in a Hospital's bed, her body is in pain and barely recalls a car accident but the memory is foggy and she can't be certain of it.
Looking around she realizes that Rachel's made the trip by herself, her kids are not in this room and a new set of tears pours out of her eyes and this time she feels them slide down the sides of her face clearly.
Charlotte and Judy give Rachel space when she returns with a glass of water and a straw. "This will make you feel a bit better when you speak" she says and then she's cradling Quinn's head with a hand and the blond is drinking miraculous water without taking her eyes off of the woman she's done so much wrong to and her chest tightens one more time. "There" she smiles softly and eyes downcast before setting the glass aside and combing back Quinn's hair like she used to do all those years back when everything was right, when there were no shadows overcasting their lives.
"Rach" she breathes out but discovers that her throat is still not ready to formulate full words.
"I'm so glad you're here" the brunette says before she gets up to get more water and Charlotte takes her place beside Quinn.
"You'll feel better, Q-ball" Charlie says and then reaches out to take the cup of water from Rachel's hands and Quinn cannot help to feel disappointed in that.
"I'm so glad you're awake sweetheart, Rachel called us" Judy says appearing on the other side of the bed and kissing her forehead before combing back her hair the same way Rachel did a few seconds ago, and it's comforting but only slightly.
"What happened?" she asks faintly remembering loud crashes and glass breaking loud sounds.
"You were in a car accident" Charlie confirms and once the words leave her sister's mouth images start to come back to her brain. The bus, the cars, the truck, the children screaming inside the Mini Cooper and she jumps on the bed when the memory of her car being impacted by the bus comes back.
"It's okay" Charlie holds her down quickly. "You're fine, you're okay. It's okay, Quinn. You're okay. We're here now."
But she isn't okay, she's in a Hospital, she could have died and she's very aware of it. "Those kids" she shakily breathes out and a sob rips through her with the memory of their terrified screams replays in her mind because all she could think about while being trapped in her car were her own children.
"All the fatal victims in the manifest are adults so far" Santana says and Quinn's eyes snap on the brunette standing in front of her bed. She stops crying out of pure shock at seeing her ex-best friend standing a few feet away but the knot in her throat doesn't go anywhere. "No children died in this accident."
"I'm so glad you're alive" Judy cries and Quinn has to tear her eyes away from Santana to look at her mother.
"Don't cry, mom. I'll be okay, look" she motions down her body and scares herself for a second at seeing the casts on her arm and legs but she needs to reassure her mother no matter what. "Some physical therapy and I'll be fine" she says and then searches for Rachel's eyes anxiously. "Right?"
The brunette nods slowly. "Yeah, that's right. No permanent damage" she smiles softly and Quinn can see the faint track of tears on her ex-wife's face. She's made them all worried, these people that she's been trying so desperately to do right.
"You see, mom? I'll be fine, in a few months I'll be as good as new."
"You're such an attention whore, Q-ball" Charlie chuckles and Quinn meets her eyes. "Scaring us like this" Judy huffs at the choice of words but smiles anyway.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to" she smiles up at her big sister. "And you just flew here?" she asks and Charlie smiles through a sob, too emotional to keep trying to control her tears.
"You're my little sister. I'd cross the world just to make sure you're alright and I'm really happy that you are."
Fat tears roll down Charlie's cheeks and Quinn panics momentarily as her mom begins crying again, they're happy tears but they still make the blond afraid to look at, they always have and she's promised so long ago that she will never be a reason to see tears in these faces.
"No, no. Don't cry, I'm fine. You see? I'm just - just fine."
She wants to reach out but while her left arm is immobile at the moment she finds out that moving her right arm hurts too much to even try it, so she puts it down gently.
"I was so scared" Judy keeps crying and is between watching her sister and mother crying that Quinn spots Brittany standing behind everyone and she smiles softly.
"I know, mom. I'm really sorry, I'll be more careful. I promise."
Charlie finally rounds the bed and wraps Judy in a hug to help calming her down and takes her towards a little couch on the corner of the room where Santana takes one of Judy's hands and squeezes it lightly to show her support. Quinn looks away with the knot in her throat suddenly tightening. What is Santana even doing here? Quinn had thought that after those punches their friendship was truly over. Why would Santana care if she lives or dies?
But then Rachel kneels in front of Judy and Santana smiles at her ex-wife and Quinn realizes that she is only in this room because of Rachel, to make sure that Rachel is alright, not Quinn. Santana isn't here for her and the thought is as heartbreaking as it is relieving.
"You look like crap" Brittany whispers softly right before she presses her lips on Quinn's forehead and them both smile.
"I figured"
"I'm very glad you're alive, Quinn. I don't think you've ever made me this happy before" she chuckles thoughtfully and Quinn huffs but the sentiment behind it isn't lost.
"I'm really sorry, Britt" she says sincerely and the blue eyed woman smiles a watery smile.
"This is a shitty way to meet again, isn't it?"
"It is. I've missed you guys so much" Quinn confesses. "Where's Liv?"
"We've missed you too. She's with Andy at home but I'll bring her to visit, ok?"
"I'd love that. I'd love to see her."
It's not that she hasn't spoken with Brittany or their daughter, but she has taken the time to herself very seriously. Their talks often consist on short calls that aren't enough to feel like she's close to her children but she needed this, she needed to work on herself before she attempted to be a mother again.
It hadn't been easy. Staying away from Brittany and Rachel and her children has been the most difficult thing she's ever had to do but it has been necessary and Dr. Melinda has made her realize that she wasn't the person that her loved ones needed by their side or even the person that she was supposed to be.
Quinn sees Melinda once a week.
"I better get going but I'll be back with Liv, alright?" Brittany kisses her forehead once more before she walks out silently.
It's been two months now that Quinn could have gone home but somehow she always stops herself because even though she knows that she's better now, that she's worked through so much and discovered so much about herself, no one has forgotten what she did, she hasn't and she doubts that she ever will, even if she could there is no way she'd want to either. But that's a very small price to pay.
And facing Rachel and her children right now terrifies her to dead.
When Brittany walks out the door Santana stares at it longingly and Quinn closes her eyes in regret. How did she manage to hurt all the people that once loved her? It's like she's poisonous, everyone who ever got a little too close to her has ended up hurting.
Think about what you would say to them, Melinda would ask her and that's what she does in this moment. Her history with Santana goes way back and there are so many things that she'd like to apologize for, one page in her journal hasn't been enough.
When she opens her eyes she finds Rachel on the spot that Brittany just left. "You okay?" the brunette asks worriedly and Quinn nods shortly.
What would you say to her? She's filled an entire journal with the answer for this question and it isn't enough. Nothing she ever does or says will ever be enough to deserve Rachel's forgiveness, she's aware of this and she's accepted it.
"I went to your office a few months ago and didn't find you there" Rachel begins saying and Quinn feels chastised because she should have told Rachel what she was doing and why, but somehow it didn't feel right to do that. It didn't feel right to see Rachel again before she did what she had to do. "I'm glad you're alive, Quinn and I'm glad that you'll recover from this, but you can't disappear like that again. The kids are missing you and we are divorced, yes, but neither you nor I can divorce our children. They need to see you."
"I got a dog" she blurts out and when Rachel frowns in confusion she closes her eyes in embarrassment. "I'm sorry for disappearing like I did but I needed it" this time when she closes her eyes it isn't because she's embarrassed but because the shooting pain in her left leg is impossible to ignore.
Rachel notices her discomfort but she also knows that they can't do anything until her dad stops by with Quinn's doctor.
"Dr. Jackson will be here as soon as he's done operating on another victim of the crash" she assures and Quinn nods fast, a little breathless. She figures this pain is a deserved one, even more so with Rachel in front of her.
"Her name is Fanny" she says and Rachel once again looks at her with confusion swirling in her dark eyes. "My dog" she clarifies.
"Like Fanny Brice?" the brunette asks with a smile threatening to pick out.
"Like Fanny Brice" the blond tries to smile only to realize that her face is also hurting and she panics for a second because she can't see her face.
"It's only bruised, a small cut on your left eyebrow but nothing that won't heal" Rachel says surprising Quinn yet again. Does she know Rachel as good as she knows Quinn? Would she be able to answer an unspoken question to Rachel like this?
Without hesitation she recognizes that yes, she knows Rachel like this. She knows her just as well.
"They said that you haven't been in the office for a while" the brunette prompts as Quinn's mind assaults her with another part of her life with this woman and once again she wonders why is Rachel in this room? Why does she care? She shouldn't. Quinn doesn't deserve her care.
"Why are you here?" she can't help to ask, she needs to know.
Rachel stares at her like waiting to see if she'll elaborate but when Quinn doesn't she becomes even more confused. "Because I care, Quinn" she says it as if it's obvious, as if she's supposed to care, as if the question itself is so stupid that she finds it absurd to have to answer it. "I care about you. Why does that surprise you?"
This isn't the first time that Rachel surprises her with her infinitive will to love but it's the first time Quinn cannot understand it. And she wants to say it, she wants to tell Rachel that she doesn't deserve it, that she should leave but that isn't her call to make, Rachel is very capable of making her own decisions.
She's put her needs before Rachel's for a lifetime and now she needs to learn how to level that up.
"I've been going to therapy" she says instead.
"Brittany mentioned it" Rachel nods and her eyes focus on the white Hospital sheet. Rachel won't ask her about it but Quinn needs to tell her why she's been going to therapy.
"Good for you" the brunette says and Quinn can tell how sincere Rachel is being and it breaks her heart to see this person, this woman, this wonderful being that she once had and now can't even look in the eye out of fear that she knows won't ever fully disappear.
"You look like crap" Santana announces loudly and very seriously before standing beside Rachel, hands deep in her jean pockets but serene expression on her face. Quinn can't help to think of the brunette as a bodyguard.
"So I've been told" she says and she meets Santana's eyes and keeps the contact until she becomes very aware of how deeply Santana's hate for her really is. She didn't expect anything less if she's being honest.
"It's good that you're fine" Santana says. "A few broken bones never stopped you before, right?"
When they were twelve Quinn still couldn't ride a bike and Santana made it her mission to teach her how. The first time she got on the bike she took a nasty fall and broke two fingers on her first lesson. Santana thought that Quinn wouldn't want to see a bike again in her life but after her fingers were healed and she was allowed to play outside again, the blond demanded Santana to teach her how to ride the bike and nothing stopped her until she could do it. "Right."
"I better get going. I need to talk to the kids and explain this" Rachel cuts in.
"No, Rachel, wait. Will you come back?" she quickly begs but after a moment her eyes go back to stare at her once best friend.
Santana had always been a better person. How couldn't she see this before? How did she missed out on her?
"I'm getting some coffee" Charlie announces. "Will you join me, San?"
Santana takes a moment to really look into Quinn's eyes before she nods her head and hesitantly accepts. "Sure" Judy runs out behind them and Quinn is left alone with Rachel.
"I have an anger problem" Quinn says and watches as Rachel frowns and fights to remain quiet. "I've been working on it to get better. Fanny is part of my recovery"
"We don't have to do this right now. We'll have time to talk…"
"Please" Quinn cuts Rachel out. "Please, let me tell you this. Can I?" the request makes Rachel frown deeper and the blond flinches at the reaction. She knows it's her own fault that Rachel doesn't trust her.
But Rachel nods and she can breathe a little easier. Not that it isn't weird for her as well, because it is. Asking for permission has never been her forte and with Rachel it has never even been on the table before, she just did what she pleased and Rachel was supposed to bend for her, no questions asked.
Now that same thought makes her want to hurl.
"I've been seeing Dr. Melinda for seven months now. At first she mentioned Bipolar disorder and some other conditions but I only have an Anger problem"
"Bipolar disorder?"
"I brought it up. I thought that it would explain why I was feeling good at one moment and then completely down at the next" she explains and Rachel nods, intrigued now. "But my Doctor quickly discarded it after a few sessions. I was on medication for a while, until a month ago actually. Anxiety and depression can be treated with pills after all" Rachel takes her hand and looks at it for a moment before meeting Quinn's eyes again.
"I've been going to therapy too" she says and it makes sense, Quinn has been expecting these news but it doesn't take away the sting of knowing that she's the reason why Rachel needed therapy in the first place.
"Rachel, I'm so sorry" she cries feeling terrible ill because she can cry a river now, damn it, she can cry an entire ocean and never be done because nothing will ever make up for what she's done. "I know that it's close to nothing hearing me say that now and maybe you don't even believe me but I am. I am sorry for all the things I said and did to you. You didn't deserve them, you never did. I was the insecure one, I was the one who always needed help and I'm sorry for not realizing this sooner, I'm sorry."
Rachel reaches out and wipes her tears with a little white tissue but to see this gentle side of her only makes Quinn cry harder.
"Funny how therapy works, huh?" she absently speaks. "I've been told to be forgiving and you've probably been told to be humble."
"I've been told a lot of things" she's still crying but she doesn't feel embarrassed by her tears anymore. If anyone ever deserved to see her crying it was always Rachel.
"What else did you do besides getting a dog?" Rachel asks.
Quinn closes her eyes as a new wave of pain washes through her entire body. "How ridiculous do I look now?" she tries to laugh.
"Do you really want me to answer that?"
"No, not really."
Rachel laughs and Quinn feels like laughing but she doesn't dare to because she knows it'll hurt. They hadn't said anything about her ribs but they're hurting too much to be completely alright and she bandaged all around anyway.
"I have a journal" Quinn says and Rachel realizes that she's answering her previous question. "I've picked on cooking, I'm taking salsa lessons and I've dusted my guitar. Oh, and I jog but I guess I'll have to find Fanny a new jogging partner for the next few months."
"Salsa lessons?"
"You know? The dance? Salsa, come on" but Rachel is already laughing and it's impossible to not find that sound beautiful. "Thanks for the support" she sarcastically says although she's smiling.
"I support that" Rachel admits, still with a small smile adorning her lips. "But you'll just have to show me what you've learned when you're out of your casts"
"I will" she promises and waits out until Rachel's laugher subsides. "How are the munchkins?"
"The boys are stretching faster than anticipated and Evelyn has picked up quite a big interest in Broadway"
"Go figure" she huffs and Rachel huffs even louder. "She never mentioned that on our phone calls" she thinks out loud.
"She'll tell you all about it when I bring them to visit."
"I miss you" Quinn blurts out again and this time she doesn't feel embarrassed by her sudden burst of words. "All of you. I've missed you guys so much."
Rachel looks conflicted for a moment and Quinn almost believes that she won't say a thing. "I had my fair share of faults as well, Quinn. I could have left you on several opportunities and I didn't. You gave me that chance and I didn't take it. I'm glad you're better, I'm glad you've had the chance to work through your issues and I can see that you have but you're not done. I'm not done."
"I know"
"Just don't disappear again while doing it, ok?"
"I won't. I promise."
They don't need to say it, there's no need to hurt each other anymore. Rachel might forgive her one day but she won't ever get her back. Quinn is aware of this, she accepts it.
"I'm glad you're going to therapy too" she says. And I'm sorry I sent you there. She almost says it but she doesn't. The guilt begins to eat her alive again because she's taken time for herself to heal but Rachel has stayed, Quinn gave her no other choice.
"No medication for me though. Just the occasional sleeping pill on a rough night"
"Rough night?" but as soon as she asks, she regrets it.
"Nightmares that steal away my sleep" and she's the monster of those nightmares. She knows it. "You know I still have dinner at seven sharp?" Rachel asks with no malice but with real sadness, maybe even melancholy and Quinn doesn't want to hear more but she knows she has to, she owns Rachel this. "I still do everything the way you liked it. I've been working hard on letting that go but I just can't. My therapist says I'll get there though."
More than sorry, Quinn is ashamed of herself at hearing this. She still remembers with morbid clarity the way she's taught Rachel how to do those things and it kills her to know what she was capable of and she knows that she'll never forgive herself for this.
"Rachel, I'm so sorry."
"We lost each other the night it happened for the first time" Rachel continues and Quinn is crying again. "And I knew you needed help but I never tried to help you either"
"I wish I could take it all back. Rachel, I'm so sorry. This isn't your fault, it was never your fault."
The brunette reaches out again to dry the tears from her face. "We miss you too, Quinn. Get better and come visit your children, okay? A weekly phone call just isn't enough, you know?"
The blond nods and takes deep breaths, no matter how much they hurt her but soon the door swings open and Santana's head is popping inside
"Knock-knock" Santana says before Judy and Charlie push the door open and walk inside followed by a tall handsome doctor.
"This is Dr. Jackson, Quinn" Judy politely introduces as Rachel stands from the bed.
"I better get going" she announces and before either one of them can truly grasp it Rachel is kissing Quinn's forehead. "But I'll come back with the kids."
Santana looks away instantly but she still hears the kiss and Quinn's breathing hitching. When Rachel walks out Quinn isn't able to listen to a single word Dr. Jackson says.
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