(Mal)
When she finally woke every inch of her felt overwhelmingly heavy; her eyelids as they lifted from her burning eyes, her head as she rolled it to the left, her body as she shifted the slightest bit, and her chest as she inhaled deeply. She didn't want to be awake, in fact, she wished she could just close her eyes and never have to be conscious again, the pain of everything weighing down on her and suffocating her. Still, she focused on erasing the blur from her vision, suddenly wondering why her body molded into something soft, the cold discomfort of the ground now completely gone.
Her mind screamed at her that she didn't deserve to be using the oxygen she now breathed in, but she didn't know how not to, her lungs working against her wishes as they forced her to continue breathing. She saw frosted, curly hair first, and her heart froze for the slightest moment when she recognized Carlos' face, then her gaze flickered to the girl pacing by the middle table, confusion settling inside her when she realized the bobbed hair belonged to Lonnie.
"Oh my goodness, she's awake!"
Everything froze inside her instantly when someone to her right spoke, her ears prickling with recognition, there being no way she could ever mistake who that rich voice belonged to.
"How are you feeling, Mal?" Evie asked delicately, concern tied tightly around her voice.
Mal didn't turn to face the girl until the bed beside her dipped with added weight, her heart hammering harshly against her ribcage as she brought her gaze to the beautiful girl who had crushed her. She was mad at the girl, completely and undeniably furious with her, but she had no idea why, and she couldn't get passed the fact that nothing made any sense outside of the taunting of her mind.
A soft hand slipped underneath her shaky one, squeezing her fingers gently as another came to rest on top. She couldn't bring herself to meet red-brown eyes, she didn't want to look into them, and she didn't want to enjoy the feeling of the girl's thumb brushing over her knuckles, so she pulled her hand from between Evie's, instead using her other to reach out to the boy sitting at the end of her bed. And when Carlos glanced unsurely at Evie she finally remembered something that had the weight on her chest pinning her down even more. He doesn't care about me. None of them do. Why should they? Her hand dropped back to the mattress helplessly, and she shut her eyes as tears threatened to escape once again, trying her best to force them away. So weak. I'm so fucking weak.
She opened her eyes again in surprise when a different hand slipped into hers, the weight on the left side of her shifting closer. Carlos gripped her hand gently but securely, bringing their joined hands into his lap as he moved close enough for his body heat to slide over Mal's body. She enjoyed his close proximity, something about him being there comfortably familiar to her.
"You've had a bit of a rough time lately, haven't you?" Carlos questioned lightly, the soft smile on his face as he spoke seeming forced.
Mal couldn't help it, she let herself hope that some part of the boy truly did care for her, no matter how small of a portion. Allowing herself that moment of hope she squeezed the boy's fingers tightly, wanting desperately to feel something, anything, other than pain. She hadn't realized that Lonnie had moved at all, let alone moved to the foot of her bed where she wrapped her arms around the bed post.
"Do you remember anything?" Lonnie asked sadly, the look present in her eyes confusing Mal.
She didn't want to speak, knowing that no one really cared about the things she had to say, but as memories flashed quickly through her mind she couldn't help but open her mouth as she turned to her right, her hand tightening even more around Carlos' as she finally gave in, looking directly into the unique red-brown eyes that coaxed feelings from her she didn't understand, or want.
"You left me." It would have been accusatory, but the crack in her voice gave everything away as saying those words out loud shattered everything inside of her. "You left me behind just like my mother did."
In that moment, she barely felt Carlos squeezing her hand in reassurance. Everything went numb as she stared into the eyes of the girl she had once believed wanted her around, the girl she had allowed to consume her thoughts and make her question her beliefs only to shatter her entire world around her. The girl that – despite everything – she knew she needed. The girl that had shown her just how weak she is by becoming the toxicity she couldn't resist, the drug she needed in order to continue on.
"No," Evie breathed out, her voice shaking as her already swollen eyes glossed over with tears. "I never meant to…"
"You both had good reason to," Mal interrupted, not knowing what she was going to say as words flowed from her mouth. "I'm nothing. You're both better off without me. You all are. I'm nothing more than a disappointment, a disgrace."
Tears were sliding down her cheeks before she even knew they were forming, and instead of pretending she was something she wasn't she allowed them to fall, letting the three people with her see the truth about her; she was weak, she was helpless, she was an anchor on the ankle of everyone who dared step into her space, weighing them down until they could no longer live out their best lives.
"Listen to me, Mal," Carlos spoke with a steadier voice than either of the girls, though his own puppy-dog eyes glistened more than usual. "You are not a disgrace. You are none of those things."
Evie continued on for him. "You are so much more than that. You are stronger than anyone I've ever met; you just need help seeing that. We want you in our lives, Mal. And nothing you can say will scare us away."
Their words sank into her chest and wrapped around her heart, but their grip only slipped right off as Mal failed to hear what they were saying. She couldn't hear them because she couldn't believe them. Every word they said skipped right passed her as she attempted to reach for them, remaining far from her fingertips as she craved to understand them, craved to believe them. She just couldn't get to them, and she knew she never would.
(Evie)
"We're right here, Mal," Evie whispered, not even trying to stop the tears from escaping her eyes, knowing that appearing strong wouldn't help anyone; especially Mal. "We're not going anywhere, okay?"
Her chest tightened with every second that passed, with every word of self-hatred that slipped easily from Mal's mouth, with the knowledge that she had been part of the reason the girl had broken so completely. You left me. You left me behind just like my mother did. A quiet sob escaped her lips as she witnessed the pain she was causing Mal, as she witnessed the terrible thoughts swirling around the girl's head that tore her apart repeatedly, just waiting for there to be nothing left of the fiery girl Evie had once known. She couldn't stand the thought of the girl being in so much pain, she couldn't stand the thought of the anguish coursing thickly through the girl's veins, and she wanted to help, she just didn't know where to begin.
Not being able to stop herself, Evie reached forward to catch the tears traveling down a pale cheek before bringing her thumb to brush gently over the girl's cheekbone, caressing her face. This time, Mal didn't pull away from her touch, green eyes never leaving her face. She could tell the girl was searching for the presence of something in her features, behind her eyes, and somehow she knew that she would find exactly what she was looking for. Something behind Mal's eyes eased, and before Evie could figure out more about how the girl was feeling she was turning toward Carlos, searching him in the same way she had surveyed Evie. She watched as Mal's heaving chest relaxed, her breathing slowing as if she were no longer panicking, and something inside Evie sparked with hope that Mal had been able to see how much they cared for her in their eyes.
"Maybe you should get some more sleep," Lonnie suggested from behind Evie, her voice gentle, as if she didn't want to overstep any boundaries.
Mal nodded, gaze flickering between all three of them before focusing on Evie. "Please don't leave again."
Evie felt as though everything shattered around her in that moment, the panicked, desperate look present in the girl's eyes tugging painfully on her heart. Reaching forward, she slid her hand back into Mal's and squeezed reassuringly.
"I wouldn't dream of it," Evie replied delicately, sliding her other hand down the leather encasing the girl's arm until she held a shaking hand between both of her own.
"Stay with me," Mal whispered brokenly, seemingly not believing her.
"I won't leave you," Evie reached up to wipe the tears from her own cheek before grasping tightly onto Mal's hand. "I won't leave for even a second, I promise."
Seeming to relax the slightest bit, Mal laid her head back into the pillow, slowly shutting her eyes as if she were afraid they would disappear if she did it too quickly. Evie held onto the girl's hand, watching silently as Mal managed to fall easily into the arms of sleep, her breathing becoming more even after only a few minutes. She remained silent for lack of anything to say, too many thoughts circling her mind all at once.
You left me. You left me behind just like my mother did. She couldn't get rid of the ache in her chest that formed from those words, the new knowledge hurting more than anything else ever had. Her mother left her. The thought made her want to track down the woman and destroy her as much as she had shattered her daughter. Sure, she knew that having parental issues was a thing, having had her own struggles with her mother growing up, but she couldn't believe that anyone could ever be heartless enough to leave their child behind as if they had never existed. Of course, she didn't know the details of what had happened between Mal and her mother, but that didn't put out the fire that now scorched her blood, scraping along her bones and creating a constant pulsing in her veins.
"I've never heard her say much about her mother," Carlos spoke first, his deep voice quiet as he watched the broken girl sleep. "She's only ever mentioned a man who pretended to be her father."
His voice pulled Evie from the depths of her own fury, and as she returned to reality she found the necklace thrumming against her chest with the anger coursing through her for a woman she didn't even know the name of. If I ever meet this woman I'll… but she didn't finish; she didn't know what she would do to Mal's mother if she ever saw her, she only knew it wouldn't end up being pleasant for the woman.
"Pretended?" Lonnie questioned. "He wasn't actually her father?"
Carlos shook his head. "No, I remember her saying that a man who played the part of her father beat her until she was almost dead."
The pain Evie felt for Mal was unbearable at this point. A mother who abandoned her. A man who beat her near death. She wanted nothing more than to show Mal that everything was better now, that she was safe here with her, but she couldn't help but feel as though nothing she could say, or do, would ever be enough for the girl. It was obvious that the girl had experienced too much pain and loss in her life, and Evie felt almost useless trying to figure out how to help her heal from her past.
"That's horrible!" Lonnie exclaimed, the pain in her eyes intensifying. "I can't even begin to imagine how much pain she must be going through."
"I don't think any of us can," Evie stated quietly, eyes never leaving the sleeping girl in front of her. "But we can be there for her. We can understand her pain, just not in the same way."
She met Carlos' gaze and knew he understood what she was addressing; she was talking about their own pasts. They hadn't had an easy life either, and both of them had experienced indescribable pain from their mothers, as well as Jay had with his father. All three of them had been abused in varying ways, and though they would never know the pain that resulted from the things that had happened to Mal in her past, they could definitely understand her pain and anguish because of their own.
"We need to get to class," Lonnie said after checking the time. "Lunch is almost over."
Evie shook her head immediately. "I'm not going to class."
"But, Evie…"
"No," she interrupted, fingers tightening around Mal's. "I'm not leaving her. I promised…"
A sudden sob stopped her from being able to finish her sentence, and before she could regain enough control to continue she felt a hand gripping her shoulder comfortingly. She looked up into Carlos' brown eyes.
"It's okay, Evie," Carlos smiled understandingly at her. "She needs you the most. Stay with her. I'll go by your classes after school and ask for the homework."
"Thank you," Evie whispered, leaning into the boy's touch as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders, relishing in the feel of his lips pressing into her temple.
Once Carlos pulled away from her she felt Lonnie's arms enveloping her. "Just please, Evie. Don't forget to take care of yourself as well."
"I won't," Evie promised, pressing her forehead against Lonnie's when the girl came around in front of her. "I love you, Lonnie."
"I love you, too, Evie," Lonnie replied, bringing her lips to Evie's forehead. "I'll come back after school."
The second Lonnie pulled away from her she brought her gaze back to Mal, barely noticing the sound of the door opening and closing as she allowed her mind to be consumed by thoughts of the broken girl she craved to hold against her. Sliding off the edge of the bed, Evie lowered herself back into the chair she had occupied earlier, never once letting her grip on the girl's hand loosen.
She was devastated, she was confused, and she was at a complete loss of what to do and think, but there was one emotion burning brighter than any of the others, and that was determination. Determination to understand everything going through Mal's head; determination to make her see just how wrong she was about herself; determination to do anything in her power to help the girl recover from the scars littering her mind. Come on, Mal. Tell me what you need me to do, and I'll do it. Tell me what you need from me.
Continuing to stroke the top of the girl's hand, Evie leaned her head down until her chin rested against Mal's forearm, the zipper on the arm of her leather jacket lightly scratching at her neck as she nestled into the girl as much as she could. She could hear the girl's desperate voice echoing in her mind; Please don't leave again. Stay with me. A small, broken smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she released a heavy sigh.
"I'd stay with you for multiple lifetimes if you'd let me."
(Mal)
The first thing Mal noticed the second time she woke was the warmth coating her and the weight of something pressing into her arm, and she found her heart freezing when she glanced down to find Evie sleeping on her arm. For a brief moment, she flashed back to her time in the infirmary, remembering everything she had felt when she found the girl sleeping on her arm then, but she pulled herself quickly out of the memory, reminding herself that things were different now. She would no longer work to push the girl away because of the unfamiliar feelings she coaxed from her, she didn't need the extra help. Evie – just like her mother had – would leave her sooner or later, and she didn't want to bring that moment any closer than it already was by continuing to push her away. And she would pity herself if she thought she deserved the emotion, well aware that someone like Evie would never need her as much as she seemed to need her.
A light knocking pulled her from her thoughts, and she looked up to see the door cracking open. She watched as Ben peaked into the room cautiously, clearly not wishing to disturb anything. Something inside her chest sparked with the sight of the boy, and she found herself delighted that he was here.
"Is now a bad time?" Ben questioned, his mouth curving into a timid smile.
Mal shook her head in response, letting him know he could enter the room. He closed the door quietly behind him, his gaze flickering over Evie as he approached the bed, the smile still gracing his features.
"Is she asleep?" Ben asked curiously, gesturing toward the blue-haired girl.
"Yeah," Mal answered, bringing her own gaze down to the girl, watching as delicate eyelids flickered the slightest bit.
Ben nodded as he shifted his gaze back to Mal. "So… How are you feeling?"
Mal shrugged, keeping herself from meeting his gaze in that moment, not wanting him to see the truth in her eyes. She just kept studying Evie's features as she rolled her bottom lip around in her mouth, waiting for Ben to move forward with the conversation.
"I just wanted you to know that I'm here, you know, if you need me," Ben started, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck, which Mal had already learned to be what he did whenever he was nervous. "I may be just a spoiled King to you, but I want you to know that I'm here, and that I care about you. If you ever need to talk, or just simply get something off your chest, you can find me and I'll listen."
Saying she was surprised would be an understatement. She hadn't had the slightest idea what the boy had wanted when he arrived, but she definitely would have never guessed it was to explain all of this to her. I want you to know that I'm here, and that I care about you. Though she couldn't quite grasp that concept, something about every moment she had with Ben led her to believe that he truly meant the words he was saying. Her mind swooped in quickly, hissing at her that no one cared about her; Weak. Useless. Hopeless. Forgotten. Unloved. But she shut her eyes tightly and repeated Ben's words over and over again; I want you to know that I'm here, and that I care about you. I want you to know that I'm here, and that I care about you. I want you… and she nearly gasped when the words faded into the background.
And that's what made her open up to him.
"My mother, ever since I was born, always told me how I was a disgrace to her name, calling me a disappointment, calling me weak and useless. She made me feel so small. All I ever wanted to do was impress her, to not let her down, to prove that I could be more," she took a deep breath, realizing just how badly her voice was shaking as she spoke of her mother, tears burning the skin of her cheeks as they escaped with little resistance. "When I was seven, she left me in the night. I tried to follow after her but I was too cold. Too weak. I was exactly what she thought I was, and I still am, I don't think I realized that until now, but I'm weak, and I haven't done a single useful thing in my entire life." She could see the sincere sympathy in Ben's hazel eyes, and she almost hated him for pitying her, almost hated that she wanted him to. But she continued. "I survived on the streets for years after that, but eventually Head found me and took me in against my wishes. He told me that everything would be okay now that I was with him. He gave me more food than I could stomach, gave me secure shelter, everything anyone who grew up on the streets believed they could only dream about. I thought I was safe until he chained me in the basement of the agency and tortured me until I was barely breathing. And he didn't only do it once, it happened several times." She stopped at the thought that she had never been safe with Head, at the realization that she wasn't safe from him. "After I leave here, I'll have to go back to him. If I don't he'll track me down and do it again."
Ben stared at her for a moment, giving her the chance to continue if she wanted to, but she fell silent, her entire body aching with her past. She swore she could feel the restraints burning every layer of her skin away, swore she could feel the whip slicing through both her chest and her back. She swore she could feel everything that had ever happened to her, every blow her mother and Head had dealt to her, every emotional wound that had slashed deep enough to scar. It all led to where she was now; to how weak she was, to how incompetent she was, to how unloved she was. And it was only now that she realized it wasn't only how useless she was that kept people from loving her, that no one had ever been capable of loving her because of the harsh way she treated everyone, lashing out at them every moment they spoke and pushing them behind a barbed fence so they couldn't reach her. Everything was her fault whether it was because of what she was, or how she acted, and she would never forgive herself for being this way.
"I won't let him get you, Mal, I promise that I will do everything I can to keep you from falling into his hands again," Ben spoke softly, the sincerity in his voice ringing through Mal's ears and restricting her breathing. "You're safe here, I promise you that." Ben paused for a brief moment, taking the time to step closer to the bed, his gaze reaching deep into Mal's. "Despite that, all I can offer you is my help. I can't change what happened to you, but I can try to help you come to terms with everything. I can offer my help in getting you passed it and helping you create a new life for yourself." He smiled softly at her, a genuine, caring smile. "Like I said, I'm here for you, even if all you think of me as is a spoiled, seventeen-year old King."
Mal found herself incredibly grateful that he hadn't apologized to her and told her how terrible her life had been, like everyone else did whenever they heard even the smallest moment from her past. She appreciated that he didn't just tell her that everything would be magically better for her now that she was away from the two parental figures in her life, and more than anything she appreciated that he didn't tell her that the future would be better, instead only offering his help in helping her make the attempt. There was no sure way to tell if things would get better for her – though she didn't see how they ever could – but now that she had spoken to Ben she found the smallest part of her almost ready to fight for herself, almost.
"I don't…" She couldn't find the proper words to express what she was trying to tell him. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I don't think you're a spoiled King."
A bright smile spread across Ben's face, the action causing the skin on the outside of his eyes to crinkle. "I'm glad to hear that, really, until the dance I thought you wanted nothing to do with me because of my title."
Mal rolled the inside of her lip around her mouth as she thought about what to say. "I don't think I ever really had a problem with you. I just think I have an issue with people of power. My mother claimed to be the worst villainess of them all, and people cowered at the mention of her name. She could bend people where I lived to her will, and that gave her power, power that she used against me."
"And same with the other guy, right?" Ben questioned, seeming to understand what she was saying. "I understand, Mal. I don't hold it against you, or blame you for your dislike of a single person holding more power than others. I just hope you'll see that I'm different than those people. Here in Auradon, we use our power for good."
"I do see that," Mal announced, suddenly getting timid from the idea of her complimenting anyone; nobody wants your compliments.
For a moment, Ben smiled at her, his hazel eyes bright with a joy that Mal never believed she could give to anyone. Eventually – just as she started panicking that she had said the wrong thing – he reached down for her hand, and she quickly allowed it to be consumed by his large one, finding herself surprised by how gentle his touch was. Her heart skipped a beat as he leaned down, her instincts yelling at her to jerk her hand away, but she remained still, completely frozen into her current position as his warm lips caressed her cold skin.
"My apologies, but I do have to get back to my work," Ben started, his hazel eyes meeting the green of Mal's as she took her hand back. "I will come back to visit you later, but if you find you need me before then, just come to the castle, the doormen will let you in. I wish the best for you, Mal. Please take care of yourself."
Not knowing what to say, Mal simply nodded. She watched as the boy bowed to her before moving back over to the door, the smile on his face planting itself in Mal's memory so that she could still see his handsome face even after the door closed behind him. Is this what having a friend feels like? Her mind didn't let her believe the possibility of Ben being her friend for even a moment, and she quickly found her hopes falling apart as she settled back into the pillows. You have no friends, she told herself; nobody likes you enough to stay. She shook her head, the weight on her forearm suddenly becoming heavier than before. She brought her gaze down to the beautiful girl using her arm as a pillow, finding herself fighting back again. No, you're lying. Evie stayed. She always does. Her chest squeezed unbearably when she was forced to remember the way the girl had ignored her for a week, only talking to her after she failed to return for longer than twenty-four hours. She doesn't care about you. She left you in the infirmary when you needed her help the most. She cut you off like you had never stepped foot in her life. She doesn't want you around. She grit her teeth as tears burned her eyes for what felt like the millionth time that day alone; shut up! Shut up! Just leave me alone!
When red-brown registered in her mind she panicked, nearly tearing her arm out from underneath the girl's head as she felt the kind of fear she wished she never had to experience. She was utterly terrified. Terrified of her own mind; terrified of the feelings that bombarded her every time she looked into Evie's eyes; terrified of how Evie would react if she ever found out about the things that went through her body; terrified that everyone would remember how useless she was and leave her behind like her mother had; terrified that Evie would break her promise of staying with her. She didn't want to know what the life of desperately needing someone when no one needed her was like, but she feared she was living it right now and feeling its torturous pain.
Evie lifted her head from her arm and reached up to tuck a stray strand of purple hair from a pale face, and as if she were reading her mind she said the one thing Mal quickly found she needed to hear the most.
"Needing people doesn't make you weak, Mal," Evie's voice was barely more than a whisper, and her fingertips felt like a dream as they ghosted over her jaw. "I need so many people that it would take hours to count them all. You are not weak just because you need someone to help you escape the demons that haunt your mind. You are strong for recognizing that need and not distancing yourself from them."
She felt herself giving in the same way she had with Ben, and her voice cracked with fear as she spoke the four words that she hadn't ever wanted to believe.
"I need you, Evie."