browniechadowes Gets a Conscience… Sort of

browniechadowes: So I should have combined these past two chapters together. I just figured the big showdown would have more length to it. My fault for overestimating Mrs. Meyer.

The Angel

Bella's inner monologue: So I am tripping out pretty heavily. Like, worse than the 60's acid test. I know I'm dead when a freaking angel shows up. Heh, at least I'm going to heaven.

Angel!NotEdward: Oh no, Bella, no! *Picks up discarded "Evidence that Bella is a Dumbass" file* Uggghhh I knew it. Carlisle!

browniechadowes: Oh no, I regret to inform the reader that I actually cannot pull myself to make fun of Angel!NotEdward crying over Bella, no matter how controlling and possessive he is. Gah, foiled by Stephenie.

Stephenie: *Tugging mercilessly at browniechadowes heartstrings*

browniechadowes: Ouch! What the fuck, bitch, that hurts! Alright, I'm pulled back together. Sorry for the interruption folks.

Bella's inner monologue: Damn it, heaven hurts like a bitch… wait that's not an angel, it's my damned undead boyfriend. YAY!

Bella: Edward, it hurts!

Edward: I know, Bella.

Bella: My hand is burning! Gaaahhhhh, damn it, damn it. Who the fuck set my hand on fire? That's so not cool.

Carlisle: He bit her. Edward, suck the venom out of her.

Edward: I don't know…

Carlisle: God, quit your bitching, Edward. I can't do it. I'm too busy trying to stop her from bleeding everywhere else.

Edward: Okay, though I still don't see why I can't take care of that. I have two medical degrees. And you kinda have the better expertise at not killing the people who's blood you taste. But whatever.

Bella: Ya, that really makes no freaking sense.

Edward: *ssssslllluuuurrrrrppeee* Ick, morphine.

Bella: I smell gasoline.

Edward: Silly Bella. Go to sleep.

Irate!Emmett: Wait, so there's not going to be a kick ass fight scene? What the fuck? I freaking ripped his damn head off. I want a refund. He did all of that evil monologueing for the fight to be omitted from the book just because Bella's unconscious. Fuck that noise. *stomps off to punch something*