Zivon: After all the matches we've had this season, horrifying beasts, heroes, villains, and everything in between fighting, we've had a few bizarre or interesting match-ups. But today, Death Battle brings you, by far, the strangest fight to date of the two most powerful beings in the universe.
DAM: They are Kirby, the pink puff ball of Planet Pop Star, and Superman, the last of the Kryptonians.
Hazzamo: He's DAM, that's Zivon, and I'm Hazzamo, and we're here to look at their weapons armor and abilities to decide who would win a Death Battle.
Zivon: Over a century ago, a massive war broke out across the universe, pitting the Star Warriors in battle against Nightmare and his forces to protect everything in existence. It succeeded, but at the cost of many lives, but one infant Star Warrior was saved to continue the work of his ancestors and save the universe in due time. His name is Kirby.
Hazzamo: Before DAM starts losing it, Kirby is a lot like a landsknecht dopplesoldner, his looks are very, very deceiving. He can inhale an entire forest with ease, even armies.
DAM: That very thing is his most famous trait, the inhale ability. With it, he can suck with a powerful vortex and inhale anything since his body is soft and malleable. However, heavier and very large objects, like my dick, can't be sucked in. Kinda like Zivon's girlfriend.
Zivon: How's being single for 19 years running going?
DAM: Yeah, fuck you, too.
Zivon: He can also use this to suck in air and float around indefinitely since he is nearly weightless. For faster transportation, he has the warp star, a star he can sail around on at speeds exceeding that of light speed. However, floating and inhaling objects is the least of what he can do.
Hazzamo: Once Kirby inhales an opponent, they don't necessarily go to his stomach nor die, but are taken to another universe entirely filled with other things he's inhaled. When he needs a power up, he can go into his own stomach and pick something he's eaten and use it for what he needs, all with in a matter of under a second. This is his famous copy ability.
DAM: Seriously, don't try to think about that too much. His power-ups, while varying on what he ingests and chooses to use later on, include Hammer Kirby, a master of Adrian Peterson's Whack-a-Kid, Fire Kirby can deal with extreme heat and deal it just as well, Ice Kirby freezes his foes, Fighter Kirby, a master of martial arts, Mike Kirby, whose singing is so awful, everything does they what they wish they could do at a Michael Bay movie, blow themselves up, the nearly indestructible Stone Kirby, and Sword Kirby, a master of sword fighting who can charge his sword up into Ultrasword or the Sword Beam, capable of cutting through anything.
Zivon: But those are his basic copy abilities. His most powerful are Hypernova Kirby who, once swallowing a miracle fruit, can swallow entire planets, and the Star Rod, which he gets upon eating his own Warp Star, a magic wand that can destroy evil. He used this to defeat Nightmare, but the resulting explosion destroyed over a third of the moon.
Hazzamo: Kirby is a very accomplished being for just being an infant, he's cracked Pop Star in half with a single 201 megaton punch, hurl cannonballs from his mouth with enough force to send a asteroid the size of the moon back into space, destroyed Nova, survived a planet-sized explosion without a scratch, defeated Dark Matter and Nightmare, and threw the acid monster Popon to the sun and back. An affiliate gave you the math of Popon, but here's something more damning in Kirby's potential strength.
Zivon: Since the moon weighs 81 quintillion tons, it would enter Pop Star's atmosphere, which is identical to Earth's as well as its gravity, at over 511,000 mph. To redirect as quickly as he did, Kirby must have spat out those cannonballs at double to force and speed, meaning he spat them at 1,022,000 mph with a force of 162 quintillion tons.
DAM: HOLY SHIT, Kirby can blow for a baby...ah shit, that came out wrong, don't censor me for th...
*Technical Difficulties: Please Wait*
DAM: Kirby is a tough combatant, but he has his flaws. Namely, he's just a baby, so he has yet to reach his full potential. I can't believe I'm saying this, but that pink puff ball grown up is the scariest thing I can imagine.
Zivon: He also loses his power up in use if he takes a powerful blow, but he isn't exactly harmless or vulnerable without those power ups since he has literally thousands in his body already.
DAM: What Kirby lacks for in intimidating looks, he makes up for in insane feats for any being.
Kirby dances around the screen, moonwalking and bouncing about before striking a pose.
Kirby:
Age: Unknown
Height: 8"
Weight: 10 oz.
Weapons and Abilities:
Warp Star
Star Rod
Inhale
Copy Ability
Sword
Hammer
Fighter
Ice
Fire
Stone
Mike
Hypernova
Feats:
Cracked Pop Star in half with one punch
Survived a planet-sized explosion
Destroyed Nova
Defeated Nightmare and Dark Matter
Redirected a moon-sized asteroid
Threw Popon in a giant frying pan to the Sun
Weaknesses:
Still a baby
Can lose copy abilities
Relatively inexperienced
Zivon: Born on Krypton, Kal-El was sent to Earth to avoid the destruction of his home planet and protect the people of Earth. Upon crashing, he was adopted and renamed Clark Joseph Kent. He would grow up blocking out his Kryptonian heritage, blocking his full power, but not limiting him in the slightest.
Hazzamo: He graduated college in two years, became a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter, but soon took up his now famous suit to fight crime as Superman.
DAM: His powers depend on sunlight, everything from his strength to his healing factor, and it varies, too. Blue and yellow suns make him stronger, the former adding abilities, while red stars actually rapidly drain his power. Taking away his sunlight drains Plantman's, I mean Superman's powers.
Zivon: Plus, the closer he is to the sun, the more radiation he absorbs and the more powerful he becomes. He once flew out of the sun after basting in it and moved planets with absolute ease.
Hazzamo: Superman has super hearing, but his eyes are probably his greatest external organ. He has telescopic, x-ray, though he can't see through lead, and microscopic vision, but he can see things moving at the speed of light, including the Flash. He also has the ability to see a person's soul.
DAM: Well, we're all safe there since we have none, especially Zivon for obvious anti-Jesus reasons. To change subject and avoid another censoring on our biggest fight yet, he can also fly, has already obvious super speed, strength, a healing factor, super and arctic breath, I bet I could make a bj reference there, and heat vision.
Zivon: Heat vision can be used at subatomic levels to perform lobotomies or fired wide enough to destroy an army of Doomsdays. The biggest drawback is that heat vision drains his solar power faster than any other ability.
Hazzamo: He can, just like DAM's invisible girlfriend's favorite toy, vibrate incredibly quickly, to the point he can faze through solid objects or turn invisible. Doing this at just under light speed allows him to use the infinite mass punch, which causes the mass of his fists to increase exponentially and hit with the force of a supernova, 10 octillion megatons.
DAM: Unlike my water-brained co-host, Superman has a super brain, able to think and solve things thousands of times faster than the average human. He is also a master of several martial arts, trained in pressure points, hand-to-hand, boxing, and also break his psychic barriers and uncover his full potential.
Zivon: He has also been trained in two Kryptonian martial arts. Torquasm-rao, which he uses to enter the Theta state, where he is highly receptive to information and instinct. The other is Torquasm-vo is mental, where he can fight and even redirect psychic attacks.
Hazzamo: His Kryptonian ancestry also lends him a super-dense molecular structure and skin-tight aura that adds further protection.
DAM: Holy shit, how do you beat this guy? Oh, wait, cut him off from the sun is a good start. Over the course of a fight, Superman can be drained of his solar energy. Doing either of these can weaken him, which is how he got killed by Doomsday. But, lazy writing came into play worse than most of Batman's feats and he was actually in a healing coma...I miss Monty Oum...what?! That wasn't a joke, why couldn't he make it!?
Zivon: His most famous is Kryptonite, which weakens him completely and drains his solar power, prolonged exposure can also kill him.
Hazzamo: He also is very susceptible to magic attacks since his body and abilities are fueled biologically, magical attacks interfere with this.
DAM: But, when Superman has no limits and no morals, you better watch the fuck out.
"I feel like I live in a world made of cardboard. Always taking constant care not to break something. To break someone. What we have here is a rare opportunity for me to cut loose and show you just how powerful I really am."
Superman:
Age: 39
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 225 lbs.
Weapons and Abilities:
Solar Radiation
Heat Vision
X-Ray Vision
Electromagnetic Specturm Vision
Telescopic and Microscopic Vision
Super Strength
Super Hearing
Super Brain
Flight
Infinite Mass Punch
Super Breath
Arctic Breath
Numerous Earth martial arts
Torquasm-Rao/Vo
Blue and Yellow sun rays increase, add powers
Feats:
Survived Coldcast's Supernova blasts fifteen times
Moved Earth
Flew to the Sun and back in 2 minutes
Survived multiple Supernovas
Delivered a lobotomy with his microscopic heat vision
Can hit with the force of a Supernova
No defined power limit
Power grows with sun rays
Weaknesses:
Blue sun rays
Being kept form the sun
Prolonged fights
Heat vision's drain
Kryptonite
Magic
Zivon: Alright, these combatants are set, let's settle this debate once and for all.
Hazzamo: We have Kirby, the murderous pink ball of Dream Land, and Superman, the sworn protector of Earth.
DAM: It's time for a Death Battle!
Superman stood on the tallest skyscraper in Metropolis, his cape flapping behind him with his fists on his hips, observing the city bustle with life, soaking in the sun from the cloudless sky. His concentration was broken when he heard something enter the atmosphere. By the sound of it, it was a meteorite less than a foot in diameter, no chance it would pose a risk but burning out in the atmosphere. He turned his attention back to the city as a pink object blurred by him, the hero looking in shock as a pink ball stopped above the city, floating on a golden star. Superman flew down at the object, the pink ball turning around and looking at him with rosy cheeks and a big smile, yelling in a shrill voice, "HI!"
"Ah, look how cute you are! What's your name little guy?" Superman asked, pinching his little cheek and making him giggle.
Kirby only stared at Superman, smile and radiating eyes unchanging, Superman adoring the little guy even more, "Ah, you're just so adorable, Lois would love you."
Kirby was distracted by the sound of a construction crew working below, let out a giggle as he flew down to them, the men adoring him like Clark until he inhaled a man with a sledgehammer whole, the other men running in fear and screaming. Superman flies down and grabs Kirby, the little pink guy producing a head ban and mallet out of thin air, the man of steel chastising, "Whoa, little guy, you can't just eat people, that's murder and I'm going to have to punish you for that."
Superman produced a newspaper and slapped Kirby over the area where his nose should be, Superman saying, "There, I hope you learned your lesson."
Kirby was now frowning angrily at Superman, the superhero about to comment about how cute he looked before Kirby slammed his hammer onto Superman's hand, making him retract and hold it in pain, unable to threaten Kirby before being launched into the sky with an upswing to his jaw. Stopping his flight upwards, Superman growled in anger, muttering, "You're going to pay for that."
FIGHT!
Superman flew straight down at Kirby, the star warrior loading up a swing and smashing his mallet on Superman's head. He used his star to speed him and Superman, mallet planted in the back of his head, down and slammed him face-first into the cement, cracking the road in all directions with a thunderous crash. Kirby grabbed a woozy Superman by his collar and began to forehand and backhand him with the mallet, knocking Superman silly before he relented. He sped away on his warp star, Superman warily getting to his knees before Kirby flew back in, slamming the mallet into his face and sending Superman flipping backwards, slamming through several buildings before he halted himself in midair. He shook the cobwebs away before he saw Kirby fly at him once more, bringing his arm back and and punching Kirby straight in the face. The impact halted Kirby at once, Superman's arm and Kirby's face sinking to the back of his head, the star warrior ricocheting back through the building and into a new one, turning to normal with a whine. Superman cracked his neck, saying to himself, "Tough little fella, but he won't win."
Superman floats to the building, dropping to his feet and walking to the door as he entered the supermarket, a flurry of terrified people storming out. Another swirling vortex formed at the rear of the group, a black man in a red employee's jacket with a bag of ice in hand was sucked backwards and into Kirby's mouth, disappearing in an instant. "Hey, Pinky, the beef is with me, not the people of Metropolis."
Superman strolled over to Kirby, raising his foot to stomp the pink ball into oblivion before Kirby let out a powerful exhale, engulfing Superman in ice instantly. Kirby, straight-faced, observed the superhero icicle, smiling as he thought he had defeated his enemy. Superman's eyes, however, began to burn red, the ice turning to water before his face before finally disappearing. Two red beams hit Kirby and sent him flying back, Superman keeping his heat vision on Kirby and sending him out the back of the store's wall, a star popping off of Kirby as he crashed through. "Interesting, he gains power from eating, but loses it when hit. I just have to keep him close and away from other people and this will be over."
Another group of people shrieking only made Superman role his eyes, using his X-ray vision to find Kirby had crashed into the next building over, a pawn shop. He was sucking in a man presenting a broadsword, inhaling both in one gulp, a green hat and short, diamond-shaped sword with a blue guard appearing on him out of thin air. He merely waited for an unhappy Kirby to waltz back into the building, holding the sword above his head, mute as Superman asked, "Jeez, is there anything you can't change into?"
Kirby ignored this as he charged at Superman, the superhero sitting in wait for the star child to slash him and watch the sword shatter. Kirby leaped into the air, Superman watching with arms crossed and a smile, and slashed at his chest, slicing his S and flesh apart, blood pouring down his abdomen as he gasped, "That feels like..."
Kirby brought his sword back across his body, the sword glowing blue, and swung it at his opponent, a crescent-shaped beam flying at Superman. The hero, holding his wound, ducked the blow, the beam flying past and slicing through the wall and the next building over, Superman continuing, "Magic."
The towering building next door began to tilt towards the grocery store, Superman getting ready to fly up to stop it before Kirby charged his sword into a more massive one. Kirby slammed it onto Superman and pinned him into the floor like a flyswatter. The bloody hero could only sit and wait as the building collapsed on them both. The skyscraper crumpled on impact, disintegrating itself and the store in one monstrous crash, the dust settling as people began to gather around. Suddenly, a giant slab of brick flew out of the pile of debris, Kirby trotting out to the adoring crowd, yelling, "Hi," before moving on.
Superman stepped through the massive hole in the wall, his suit in tatters with blood seeping from his chest, biceps, back, and face, searching for his pink nemesis before finding him waddling across the street, cars screeching to a halt and honking as he did. He could only watch as Kirby pushed open a door to a building that had writing on the large glass window, "Kung-Fu Training Today," Superman sighing, "Oh, no..."
His fears were confirmed when dozens of people in white martial arts uniforms came streaming out, Kirby standing behind them, pounding his fists together with a red headband. "Oh, God, he's an adorable Rambo now."
Kirby disappeared instantly, Superman sighing to himself as he searched for the star. He was met with a jolt of shock and pain as Kirby crashed into the back of his head with his foot, knocking the hero off his feet as Kirby grabbed him by his head, tossing him through the air and into the street, a car almost instantly running him over and parking on him. The car rose up in Superman's arms, the driver diving out as he hurled it at Kirby, the star warrior bringing his arms back and shooting forth a blue ball of energy, shouting, "Hadouken!"
The ball hit the car square, blowing the car to smithereens and knocking down to small brick buildings on either side of the alley. Superman growled in frustration as he flew at Kirby once more, Kirby bringing his fist down before rocketing it up as Superman flew into him, landing an uppercut that rocketed them both into the air while spiraling, leaving a streak of flames behind. Kirby grabbed Superman's head and spun to the ground, piledriving him into the cement. Kirby stood before the downed hero, expecting him to be done but caught off-guard when a hand grabbed his foot, Superman yanking him off-balance before getting to his own knees, repeatedly slamming Kirby into the ground like a hammer before tossing him into the air. Kirby sucked in air to aid his floating, waiting for his warp star but was cut off by Superman flying with both fists into his back, driving Kirby and Superman through the road and into the sewer. A crowd gathered around the massive abyss, Superman floating out with Kirby in hand, holding the out-cold star child by his headband, reassuring the citizens, "Don't worry, everybody, I've subdued this little monster. He's just a little guy who's hungry, I'll take him far out in space to someplace where he can't hurt anyone."
The crowd began to applaud and cheer for the hero, his cheer interrupted by the powerful suction of Kirby's inhale vortex. Superman struggled to keep Kirby as far from his face as possible and fight the inhale, being forced to throw Kirby down to prevent being sucked in. Kirby landed cleanly as Superman barreled at him once more, attempting to drive them through the road, sewers, and into the center of the earth if need-be. Kirby cocked his fist down once more, his arm glowing white as he shot it straight into the center of Clark's face, the people and building in metropolis evaporating or crumbling like sand the instant the punch connected. Superman went flying up into the air, screaming in pain from the 201 MT punch, flipping high up into the atmosphere. Kirby doubled over, breathing heavily as another star popped off of him, his headband disappearing as he observed the barren wasteland he had created.
Superman came to in the stratosphere, his eyes engulfed in red as he shouted in fury, unleashing a massive laser beam onto what used to be metropolis, Kirby shrieking in pain as the heat vision engulfed him and further decimated the land. Superman watched as the land that once was his home was now a giant, smoking crater, a new desert void of any life. His face only furrowed further in anger upon seeing Kirby get up to his feet, getting on a phone. Superman looked around and found the warp star flying at Kirby, unleashing a more precise stream of heat vision that skewered encompassed only the star, charring it as it flew uselessly at Kirby. It crashed before it's former owner, Superman watching as the star warrior inhaled it to his dismay, a star-tipped wand appearing in his hand. Superman, growing very furious and tired of his newest foe, flew down to earth as fast as he could, eyes charging up for another powerful blast. Kirby, seeing his foe coming at supersonic speeds, swung his wand at his foe, a ball of magic flying off and striking Superman in the face, halting his advance instantly as he clutched his smoking face. Kirby held the star rod in both hands as he charged it up, thrusting it to the sky and unleashing a massive torrent of energy, striking the defenseless Superman and hurling him out of Earth, into space, and, finally, the sun. Kirby let out a sigh of relief, holding his star rod in the air and letting out a giggle.
On the sun, Superman basked in its radiation, slowly glowing red as he grew in power, his wound patching themselves. Finally, his hair being replaced with fire, he spied upon Earth, finding Kirby dancing in the dust of his city, concentrating his heat vision on the star rod and causing it to explode in Kirby's hand, catching the pink ball off-guard and bringing him to tears, the star warrior collapsing to the ground in defeat. Seething in fury, Superman boomed from the sun, a hot trail of read following his flight path. Kirby got to his feet and looked to the sky with teary eyes, a red dot growing larger and larger as Superman drew nearer, the hero beginning to vibrate at near-invisible levels as he entered the atmosphere, his arms dramatically swelling in size. He brought his arm back and let out a barbaric shout as he was about to crash down onto Kirby, who he was expecting to accept his demise.
Kirby closed his eyes, seeing a red sphere encased in a yellow twirl before him, the fruit disappearing a flash of white. Kirby opened his eyes to see himself pulsating with light. He let out a growl of determination before opening his mouth, sucking in the supersonic hero, Superman bringing his fist down on Kirby as he came close. The result was Superman flying fist-first into Kirby's mouth, disappearing in a single, guttural gulp. Almost instantly, Kirby transformed in another flash, black, curly hair atop his head, wearing a suit identical to Superman's, save for the K in the middle.
K.O.!
DAM: No...NOOOOO! He wasn't supposed to win! Do you have any idea how much fanboy rage I'm going to have to sort through?!
Zivon: Yes, this was an incredibly close match, but Kirby was triumphant. First, we'll look at our math on power, speed, and durability. Based on our calculations earlier, this is what it came out to be:
Kirby: Superman:
Strength: 162 Quintillion Tons 6.6 Quintillion Tons
Speed: 1.08 Billion km/hr 9.4 Billion km/hr
Durability: 53 Quadrillion MT 10 Octillion MT
DAM: Okay, so Kirby only has strength on his side, but Superman gets stronger with more radiation, and he's faster and more durable, how could he lose?
Zivon: Well, Kirby has not exactly reached his maximum potential either. While Superman is very fast and durable, Kirby may not match in speed, but he is as tough as, if not tougher than Superman. He can take a planet-sized explosion like it was nothing, while things lesser than this hurt Superman. Keep in mind the only reason Supernovas don't hurt him is because of the even greater amounts of radiation given off during this event that heals him. Kirby is also using several magical weapons, like his sword, Ultrasword, sword beam, which can cut Superman in half do to its magical properties trumping Superman's biological defensive aura and molecular structure, and star rod, any of them being more than powerful enough to destroy Superman if it hits the right spot or has the right amount of power to it. Superman may be able to see Kirby moving at light speed, but Kirby doesn't need speed to defeat Superman, which many villains have proven before. Even without his magic weapons, Hypernova Kirby is more than powerful enough to inhale Superman, as he struggles to move planets without sufficient solar radiation, where Kirby can inhale them with absolute ease with the Miracle Fruit. Plus, Kirby's strength is derived from how he can spit cannonballs at the force he does without moving backwards, so we can take this output as input for his own strength, which is clearly stronger than his cannonball feat since he only appears to be growing in power like Superman. Simply, Kirby can move things on his own without need for outside elements, like the sun for Superman, be incredibly powerful and durable. If we placed the fight at night, Kirby would be overpowering Superman with ease. Finally, Kirby has no real defined weakness, sure, he can be beaten about and lose his power-ups and be knocked out, but he cannot die, where Superman has been "killed" before and has more numerous weaknesses, his most exploitable being magic.
Hazzamo: Overall, Kirby was just more durable, more powerful, and less limited than Superman.
DAM: This fight really sucked. No, really, I wasn't being cute, this is going to fucking blow when the fanboy rage kicks in.
Zivon: The winner is Kirby.
Hello, everybody, I hope you enjoyed the final fight to the death of the season! Sad and wanting more? Well, why not read it again?! Or, just wait for April 1st when our first episode of the new season kicks off with a bang. Wonder what it will be? Why, check the thumbnail to see for yourself! See you guys then, thank you all so much, I never got the chance to thank you all for making this hit 100 reviews at 23 chapters, that's fast! I promise I'll keep turning out quality fights and concrete research to back it all up. Speaking of which, I have gotten messages over how I perceive ScrewAttack's Death Battle and, most notably, fights that caused mass fanboy rage because the more popular character didn't win. I 100% support every episode ScrewAttack has made, they do far more research than any rager has ever done and are not biased in their decisions, every thing makes solid sense and I can agree with it. Goku is not as strong as Superman, Toph is deadlier with earth than Gaara, Kirby is tougher than Buu, etc., etc., all that jazz, now move on. See you guys for an even better Season 2, keep the support coming, and cite your DAM sources!