I know where this is going - we both do - and I feel terrible. I feel as if I should step in early with apology because I really have been awful, as far as Gideon is concerned. I am an ungrateful idiot. A nice, kind boy took a chance on a DIsaster Zone, and I just threw it away. Focussed as ever on other people, on interfering and not concentrating on what was in front of me - Gideon Prewett, wanting to be my boyfriend.

"Gid, I know how terrible I have been these past weeks. And I know it must be frustrating for you - that instead of hanging out with you, I've been off trying to fix other people's problems… Sirius, Lily, James, Lana, Emily… None of them should have taken precedence over you when you have been so kind to me."

Gideon, weirdly, is still smiling at me. He looks so lovely and my guiltiness increases tenfold. "Steffi, don't go feeling bad about this. It is what it is. I know you like me - that you think I am nice and funny and that is great. But this isn't working. I'm… not right for you."

I hate it, I hate that this is true. I hate that my mum was right - although Gideon is the perfect guy on paper, that feeling just isn't there. Or at least it isn't evident enough to sustain a relationship. Cissy was right too. Everyone knew, really. Even James and Remus with their doubts about my inability to make this thing concrete.

"I hate that I have messed you around."

"No, you haven't! Not at all, Stef. You tried, you really gave this a go and that is worth a lot. And now we can be friends; we know we get on but there just isn't that romance."

Why don't I like Gideon? My life would be so much easier if I could just like this guy, who liked me. But instead here we are, breaking up. A guy like Gid is probably never going to go for me again - this was an odd enough situation already. I have blown a massive chance. But I suppose it is better this way; I already feel like I strung him along, even if he says otherwise. Bloody Hell, even Fenwick knew - 'we all got what we want'. She knew I wasn't really committed to Gideon. And once again, haven't been completely arrogant to let Gideon try to court me, to have him hanging on whilst I go round doing whatever the Hell I like, knowing full well there is no spark between us? Isn't that horrible?

He seems to be reading my mind. "Stef, you aren't a bad person. I am really happy that we gave this a shot. But… I don't know if you even realize that I am second best, so I know the fact that this didn't work wasn't malicious or intentional on your part."

"No, you aren't second best to the other people in my life, Gideon. It's just… I don't know, there was no firework feeling."

"Stef, I think someone needs to just come out and say it now. I am second best. To Sirius Black. You like him, and he adores you. That is why we need to end things - you can't feel… obligated to me as things progress between you two. He is right for you, I'm not."

I suppose so many people have hinted at it, vaguely suggested it, that it is a little bit shocking to hear it said aloud like that - a statement. The rumors flew for months, thanks to Fenwick. Gideon even contributed to them, resulting in Sirius getting a faceful of Shepherd's Pie. Pretty much everyone I know has suggested it but, as ever, I buried my head in the sand and avoided my own problems. Instead of facing my own romantic-stupidity, I made matches, involved myself in my mate's relationships. Basically did everything but look at my own situation. And even when I did analyze my feelings, I stayed well away from the truth.

Which is that I do fancy Sirius Black.

I like him in a more-than-friends kind of way. He gives me stupid feelings in my stomach, he makes me laugh and I feel so special when I am with him. I get annoyed and angry when we don't talk. He frustrates the Hell out of me but I can't help still grinning at every idiotic things he does. I like him.

"I… I don't know." Is my inspiring response to poor Gideon, who is actually grinning at me properly now. The idiot.

"You can be pretty clueless about this stuff, Steffi. But this isn't a Fenwick rumor this time. Don't doubt it, just go for it! You two would be great together. Of course, it sucks a bit that you don't like me as much – it isn't easy. But I went into this knowing. Remember how I said it, that he was all over you, even after that first time you asked me out? I knew what I was up against."

I AM SUCH A TERRIBLE PERSON. The wonderful, sweet guy who I don't fancy just had to end things with me because I basically neglected him and here he is, wishing me happiness with the bloke I like more than him.

"Uhh, I really don't think that this… I… Gideon, I am so… Oh God."

He is just full-on laughing at me now. This is so humiliating and exactly the sort of situation that would only ever happen to me, dear Lord. Anyway, Gideon-the-Great-and-Kind-and-Wonderful reiterates that he feels absolutely zero animosity and how he hopes we can be friends and basically is the best human ever. Before leaving me, alone in the Common Room, at ridiculously-early-o'clock with my disgustingly conflicted and confused emotions.

I just had a crazy big epiphany and I don't know what to do with myself. All I know is that the Common Room, just meters from Sirius' room and sitting right by the staircase from which he will emerge shortly is a very bad idea. So I get up and set off, very much in a daze and very much with absolutely no plan of where I am headed. I end up back in the Common Room - well, the Come and Go Room, in the guise of the Gryff Common Room because my brain really cannot handle creativity (although it did briefly flicker across the idea of conjuring up the boys' dorm…)

Bloody Hell, bloody Hell. It is only just sinking in that - holy shit, I like Sirius Black. I am such an idiot. All that chat - oh, we're just friends, I am wise to his trick of making girls feel special. I'm not one of those dumb girls, who follows him around like a lovesick puppy… Oops. Turns out, I am. This could well be my biggest Disaster yet. No wonder my brain kept this locked away in a hidden vault. No wonder I haven't confronted this horrible realization before. Even during my emotional-analysis I was sensible enough to leave this subject well alone. Because it is futile- because of two of the reasons that did come up in my Sirius-Evaluation. A) He is so not Boyfriend Material and B) There is no way in Hell that he likes me back.

Honestly, I mean, just a couple of weeks ago he had a total meltdown and has only just stopped being the Most Volatile Man in the World. He has a tragic and complex life that I know next to nothing about. He has never shown any evidence of commitment or deep, genuine emotion to any of the girls he has dated. He has a grand total of three friends, or four if you include me. I would have to be mad to want anything from this. But ridiculously, I do. I told you I hunted out Trouble like it was my goddamn job.

And as for point B, well…. Surely, he can't? This is Sirius Black, the result of generations of aristocratic breeding, best-looking guy in school. He dates Dorcases and Dianas, gorgeous goddesses of girls. I don't have some dull inferiority complex, OK, I know I am not ugly. I am pretty enough but really, nothing special. He is special. He is in a whole other league, a very different playing field. So there is no way that he likes me, right?

Except that arrogant part of my brain, that Fenwick-proving-right part of my mind says, maybe he does. He hates fighting with me too, he is always looking for any excuse for physical contact, he is protective. The whole attitude towards Gideon - that only happened once me and him started getting together. I don't… surely the Ball thing wasn't entirely down to me, but perhaps the sight of me and Gid did set him off?

It is crazy and scary and… I don't even know but it could be true. There is a lot of evidence for both sides, if I am being honest. Sirius may like me too. Which doesn't cancel out all the problems of point A, but I think the ball is in my court. Time to man up and decide just what it is I want…

I have called in the cavalry - Marlene McKinnon, here to save the day!

But first, here to squeal with excitement for - I kid you not - fifteen whole minutes. None of it is even Come and Go Room related; that discovery is completely eclipsed by my Emotional Epiphany. She is genuinely cackling right now - a sort of triumphant/joyful laughter. I am glad that she, at least, is so damn pleased about my predicament. I get the feeling that I am about to hear the phrase 'I told you so' a lot.

"See, Steffi, I told you so!"

Hm. Yes, well done, Miss Psychologist, turns out my arm-slaps may have been hiding a secret agenda. However, what I actually need right now is advice - on what the Hell to do now.

"I know you are going to insist that he likes me too, but I really am unsure. I can see all the points you are making but, at the end of the day, people who look like him don't date normals."

Marley wrinkles up her nose, pondering my words. Her response is that whilst I don't have an inferiority complex, like everyone, I underestimate myself. She doesn't think we would be that mismatched a couple, looks-wise, even though I am no Diana Cress. "And you would be perfectly matched in all other respects, totally unlike any of his previous girlfriends. They may have been ridiculously hot but none of them had anything in common with him. You are definitely special to him."

My stomach keeps doing these really embarrassing flips and twists any time Marley actually talks of Sirius and I as being an actual possibility. But we are both concerned by the whole Boyfriend Material thing. Obviously, Marls has the best boyfriend ever. Doc is basically the ultimate example of Boyfriend Material: kind, chivalrous, committed, considerate. So I am trusting her experience to evaluate accurately whether or not Sirius could have what it takes (going on the very flimsy assumption that he might like me too). She acknowledges all the same faults in him that I saw, but balances it out with a few positives.

"He is very protective of you, but has always let you make your own decisions in regards to your Slytherin pals. That is a great trait, protective but not controlling. Also, he is very loyal and he is so committed to his friends - it shows that he has the capacity for it. And we have already seen that you have a very different relationship with him than most girls do."

Basically, she surmises that if he likes me and, Hell finally having frozen over, we start dating or something, it could be a huge fucking catastrophe. He could be exactly as he normally is and I'll be ditched within a week. Or, there is also evidence to suggest that it could be really good between. After all, there is something there. It just comes down to whether or not I am willing to take that risk. If I reckon he likes me, then Marley thinks I should take the plunge. Her argument is that I don't date much, generally I'm not like Lana who always fancies someone. This is an opportunity and I would be silly not to give it a shot at all.

I, personally, have had far too much bravery for one day and am reverting back to my head-in-the-sand ways. First, I'll try to figure out if he likes me. Then I can deal with my own feelings and willingness to take this leap of faith.

I also cannot deal with these romantic/terrified feelings when I have suddenly been overcome with a big old tidal wave of Sad. Because when Marley mentioned her, it struck me just how weird it was that Lans wasn't here. Of all the people, Lana should be here during my time of Emotional Duress. I feel like if she knew this was occurring, and she wasn't here to witness it, she would be so sad. She is always wishing I had more gossip, more drama (aside from my usual klutzy Disasters). Fancying Sirius Black and contemplating acting on these feelings is such bloody huge news. It sucks so bad that my best friend isn't here to help me, to laugh at me, to say I told you so too. But I don't think she wants to see me right now; Lana can be so stubborn. And, who knows, maybe running to her with boy problems would just be rubbing salt into the wounds I have already created? I think I have to leave it be. I really miss her.

Of course, I was supposed to have met Remus about three hours ago now but emotional breakdowns/epiphanies sort of definitely take priority over revision. Everyone knows that, he can't hold it against me. That would just be rude. I mean, it isn't as if I am constantly off, missing meetings, in a state of emotional uproar so this is just the exception, hardly the rule. He had better not be pissy with me when I eventually leave the sanctuary of this room. Marley left half an hour ago and I still have not moved from my prostrate position on the sofa. Pathetic and Hufflepuff-ly, that is what I am.

I wonder what Remus will think of my new found feelings for his pal. Considering how strict he and James were about me talking to him after the Ball incident, and how protective I know they can be, perhaps I ought to be nervous…

Or were they limiting my contact to him because they know there is something between us and that could have upset Sirius' then-delicate disposition?

MYSTERIES. Maybe I should straight-up tell Remus about my breakthrough? But then again, he would definitely just tell Sirius - bloody Marauders. And I think I need to figure out Sirius alone. But I can always use Rems to test the waters… See if I can pick up any clues as to whether Sirius has any, you know, deeper feelings for me.

Detective Hartmann, back in the field again?

"Hello, Remus - my old pal."

"Stef, I know you hate revision but turning up almost four hours late to our study session is pretty obscene."

"I had some things to sort out."

"You are impossible. I am going over DADA theory - we are both OK at practicals, I think."

I nod and sit down. Trying to casually find out from someone if their best mate fancies you during a revision session is pretty tricky. Well, tricky for most people that is. But I am not 'most people', I am a Top Detective. I have totally got this.

"So, Gideon broke up with me this morning. No, I'm fine! I guess it wasn't so much a break-up seeing as we weren't ever really an item. Funny why he ended things though - it was because of Sirius." I observe Remus' reaction from the corner of my eye; he definitely looks up at that point, in turn observing me. "He reckons that it's… more than a friendship between us. Or could be… should be, in fact. He was positively wing-manning Sirius."

Remus smiles slightly. "Oh, yeah?"

Bloody Hell, Remus. Give me something to work with please; although, even his vague response is revealing. If I had said Gid had ended things because of Pete, or some other bloke, I know for a fact that Rems would have been laughing his head off at the very idea.

"Yeah." Two can play at this game, Mr. Lupin. I look him in the eye and very deliberately give him a wide smile, bordering on a smirk. Remus just cocks his head slightly and turns back to our textbook. This is like a verbal/emotional version of chess or something, jeez.

"He had a little break-up of his own," I say, in a very smooth and detective-ly manner. Remus looks confused. "He told MacMillan to piss off when we were in here the other day. Then he said something about it being a silly idea in the first place. I've no idea what he was trying to achieve through it though… I mean, we were fighting when it all started, perhaps it was to make me jealous…"

I let that thought hang there for a beat, staring Remus down.

"You know, that he was making new friends to replace me. Especially seeing how much I hate MacMillan, you know."

"Well, I never know what is going on in that guy's head. Did you ask him what it was about?"

I see how it is going to be, Remus. You are going to force me to talk to him myself, aren't you? Well, this has certainly proved that something is going on. I am sure that Remus would just have laughed it off if there was absolutely nothing happening here, if it was as absurd as the thought of me and any of the other guys. Oh God, this is terrible. I am starting to feel the faint stirrings of hope that the impossible may have happened. Even worse than that, this hope leads me to believe that I could be on my way to the Biggest Disaster of all Time: attempting a relationship with Sirius I become one of those terrible girls who dates arsehole guys in the belief that she will be 'different' and 'special', the one to change him? As much as I love a fixer-upper, I've never wanted to date one. And I have certainly never thought of myself as special (other than being eSPECIALly good at causing chaos).

Remus Lupin has been most unhelpful. "Yes, I suppose I really ought to just talk to him about it."

"I would," Remus-the-Smug grins at me.

I drop the Detective-ing whilst we revise the rest of the day. Thank God for Rems - he might be rubbish at giving away gossip but he is an excellent teacher. I think I will be OK with DADA, it really is just my Transfig that needs work. Remus pointed out that I probably would be alright, if I ever concentrated in class. But wouldn't that just be a betrayal of who I am as a person? To not sit and scribble lists or letters in my notebook? Nah, that life ain't for me.

As I say goodbye to Remus and we go our separate ways, he finally throws me a bone. "I can't get dinner with you, sorry. I have been roped into a two-aside game of Quidditch - Sirius' doing. He has been back to his old-self lately, seems to be over the moodiness. I think your rejuvenated friendship may have something to do with that, so thanks, Stef."

Goddamn my stupid flipping, twirling, tap-dancing stomach.

I fancy Sirius Black.

I am such a catastrophic mess.

A/N: Finally! Steffi the Obtuse figures it out...

Let me know what you think - hope you guys are pleased with this milestone!

Elle xoxo