A/N: This fic is an AU that has the boys playing professional League of Legends. I'm going to try my best to not get bogged down too much in game terminology or things like that, but, well, I WILL reference the game and try to explain as much as I can, as I go. I'm also way too lazy to make up "new" teams for the league, so I will be using existing teams and players, with the exceptions of Team Gundam Wing, Zodiac Gaming, and the Valkyries. So… I will be referencing real people and real teams.

A/N #2: I cannot even begin to tell you how much reviews mean. It's so encouraging to see people's reactions to my work, especially considering how difficult it can be for me to carve out time to write these days. So thank you thank you THANK YOU for all reviews.

A/N#3: Thank you to Maevemauvaise and Ro for being amazing and supportive - and beta reading this.

A/N #4: Please consider supporting me on . My url is dot com backslash ClaraBarton. Your support would mean the world to me - plus you get some stuff out of it as well.

Warnings: Angst, language, violence, sex.

Pairings: multiple.

Going the Distance

Chapter Twenty-Five

The worst part about hospitals, Duo realized early on, was that there was nothing to do but sleep. And sleep, he also realized early on, was almost impossible once he wasn't drugged up.

He was cold, no matter how many blankets the nurse piled on. The hospital was never quiet, even in the dead of night, and the not-so-distant groans of another patient in pain weren't exactly the stuff of a gentle lullaby.

And he was lonely, above all else.

Hilde had come to visit, Quatre and Relena had come several times, Sally and Meilin had stopped by. Even Wufei came by to call him an idiot.

But after that first day, Solo didn't come back.

Heero and Trowa didn't stop by at all.

Duo couldn't think of any reason for Heero and Trowa to be avoiding him other than just being done with him.

It was too much like what had happened with Alex - although, in this instance, it was Duo in the hospital - and Duo couldn't help but think that this was just yet another example of how much he was not worth the time, energy or love of other people.

By the time the doctors finally released him, packing him off with antibiotics and follow-up appointments, Duo had to wonder if he should even go back to the gaming house.

He started to call, but in the end decided that everyone was busy. It was the middle of the day on Wednesday and they were all probably practicing. Hell, they might even be practicing with a replacement jungler, for all Duo knew.

Quatre, Sally and Relena had all been very tight-lipped when he asked about the team, about practices, about the next weekend of games.

Duo had already cost them two losses - and this close to the end of the season, with the top of the rankings this tight, TGW needed a strong finish. Dropping more games was not an option, and Duo was clearly not someone they could count on.

As Duo walked down to the hospital lobby wearing his team uniform from the day he had been brought in, he realized that he had nowhere else to even go.

So, feeling dejected and ridiculous, Duo called a cab and went back to the gaming house.

When he arrived back at the house, he stepped into an empty living room - not surprising since it was three in the afternoon. He stood there for a moment, looking around, feeling very out of place.

Then he heard their voices - Quatre, Meilin, Trowa and Heero. His team, scrimming from the sounds of it.

He walked to the gaming room and leaned against the doorway.

Everyone was at their normal seats, headsets on, focused intently on their screens. The only thing that was different than normal was the fact that Duo's seat was occupied by Sally.

Sally who, Duo took a step into the room to see, was playing really well against CLG.

Duo was impressed. He had always thought Sally had to be good at League to be such a good analyst and coach, but he had never really seen her in action before - and certainly not against another pro team.

But she was currently leading TGW in kills and assists - which, for a jungler wasn't always ideal, but it meant she was having a strong impact - and she was even doing a fair amount of shot-calling.

Duo stood there and watched the rest of the game play out, watched his team beat CLG very handily when Trowa pulled off a great play at the Baron pit to ace the enemy team.

It was strange and deeply uncomfortable to watch them win, to watch everyone pull off their headsets and congratulate each other. To see Trowa's small, self-satisfied smirk and Quatre's broad grin.

He was happy for them. He was proud of Trowa - who really seemed to be getting comfortable with the idea of being able to carry a game on his own from the top lane. He was impressed with Sally.

He wanted TGW to win; he wanted his team to be the best.

But he wanted to be part of that.

Standing at the edge of the room, looking over at them, Duo couldn't help but feel completely superfluous.

He didn't know what to do - didn't know if he should just go or if he should speak up - and as he stood there hesitating, his presence was finally noticed.

"Duo." Heero said his name gravely, in a tone that Duo had never heard before, and Duo had absolutely no idea what that meant, or how to read Heero's slight scowl.

At Heero's voice, everyone else turned to see Duo lurking.

Quatre grinned and rushed over to hug Duo, stopping at the last second from crushing him and instead just patting his back gently. Meilin smirked at him - which could have meant anything - while Sally stood up and smiled at him with what Duo could tell was relief.

Heero and Trowa, however, lingered at their computers, looking uneasy.

Quatre stepped away from Duo and in an instant, Relena was there, appearing as if from thin air, wrapping her arms around Duo's neck and hugging him tightly.

"I had no idea you were coming home today! How did you get here? Why didn't you call? I-"

"Whoa, slow down," Duo interrupted her.

He stepped back, and he felt a wave of exhaustion hit him so strongly that he had to lean back against the wall and steady himself.

Quatre and Sally frowned at him, concern etched into their faces.

"I'm fine," he assured them, and forced himself to stand up straight again. "Relena's hug was just really, really tight," he teased her with a smirk.

She rolled her eyes, but he could see that she, too, was worried.

Duo jerked his head towards the computers. "Was that the last game of the day?"

"No, we have one more against them," Meilin said. She glanced over her shoulder. "In about five minutes."

Duo nodded. "I, uh, I guess I should let you get back to it, then?"

Meilin lifted her eyebrows in surprise. "You don't want to join us?"

"Do you want me to?" Duo asked, hating himself for sounding so pathetic.

Heero and Trowa were scowling at him, so Duo was pretty sure that was a no from them, and Quatre and Sally wore almost identical frowns.

Duo waved his hand. "S'okay. It looked like Sally was doing great last game. If you're going to be using her this weekend, you need to get in more practice anyway."

Even as he said the words, Duo could feel his stomach churn and his eyes burn.

It felt like last year all over again - like Alex telling him to go to hell and Solo refusing to even look at him while Duo was forced to pack up his stuff, forced to call Hilde and beg for a place to crash.

"How are you feeling?" Quatre asked, neatly sidestepping Duo's question and his assumption.

"I'm fine, I'll be fine."

"You look tired," Quatre said, his gaze seeming to take in everything as he looked Duo over.

"Yeah, well, the hospital wasn't the best place to get sleep."

"Do you need more time to rest?" Sally asked.

"I-" Duo wanted to say he was fine again, wanted to say that he was ready to play, wanted to beg them to give him another chance. "Whatever you think is best for the team," he said. "I know I let everyone down," Duo very carefully did not look at Heero or Trowa, "and I know these next two weekends are important so… just, whatever you need to do."

"Whatever we need to do," Trowa corrected him, voice low and angry.

Duo shrugged. "Yeah. Whatever you-"

"No, we. As in all of us. You don't get to just check out when you want to. Thi -"

"Trowa!" Quatre turned on him with wide eyes. "He just got out of the hospital! He's sick and he's tired. If he needs to take some time, then that's what he gets to do. I can't believe you-"

"Forget I said anything," Trowa snapped, green eyes furious.

An awkward silence settled over the room, and Duo drew in a deep breath.

His fault, once again. Just like he had made Solo's life and career complicated last year, he was fucking up things for TGW now.

"Yeah, I, uh, I'll just go up to my room?" he suggested, hooking his thumb in that direction. "You all have a game to play and I- I didn't come back to make things worse."

"You're not-" Relena growled in frustration and glared at Trowa. "You're not making anything worse. We're all concerned about you. Do you want to go rest?"

Duo looked around the room, at the disappointment in Meilin's face, the concern in Quatre, Relena and Sally's faces. The frustration in Trowa and Heero's.

"Yeah," Duo lied. "I do."

"Maybe we can talk later, then?" Quatre asked. "After you've gotten some rest?"

Duo nodded, unsure what to say, unsure what Quatre would say during this future talk. Duo was pretty sure it wasn't going to be anything he wanted to hear.

-o-

Despite the fact that Duo felt nothing but anxiety - or maybe because - he fell into his bed fully-clothed and slept for the next four hours.

It wasn't enough - Duo was pretty sure he needed a full day in bed to actually feel better - but it was all he dared sleep.

When he woke up, he showered for the first time since the weekend, taking his time and enjoying being able to feel clean again - the frigid, self-administered sponge baths he had managed in the hospital yesterday and the day before had been incredibly disatisfying.

Duo dressed in clean clothes - again a first since the weekend - and felt almost human again.

He didn't bother to braid his hair back, just combed through it and pulled it into a loose bun and then, when he decided he needed to suck it up and face his team again, Duo forced himself to leave his room and go downstairs.

They were settling in for dinner, all around the table together, an empty seat between Relena and Quatre, where Duo usually sat.

"Hey!" Relena spotted him and gave him a bright smile. "You're up! Do you want to join us? Pargan made your favorite - chicken marsala. But if you're not feeling up for it, we could make you soup or-"

"No, I'm fine. It's fine." Duo hated the way everyone looked at him as he got his plate, hated that conversation had ground to a halt at his entrance, hated that they had to act differently around him.

He sat down between Relena and Quatre and sighed.

"It looks great," he said with forced enthusiasm. "How did the second game go? Did CLG let Trowa ace them again?"

Meilin, thankfully, took the bait.

She snorted derisively. "No, but they were practically begging for it. Heero and I crushed their bot lane early on, and Quatre had some really great roams. It was a steam-roll."

"That's awesome." Duo forced himself to take a bite of the food. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Heero watching him. Trowa, on the other hand, was pointedly not looking at Duo at all.

"About this weekend, Duo," Sally said after a few painful minutes of silent eating.

Duo held his breath as he waited for her to continue that thought.

"We've been practicing for the last few days. I'm not as good as you in the jungle, but if you need more time - if you need to take the weekend off- you should do it."

Duo looked around the table, at Relena's earnest face, Meilin's frown, Quatre's anxious grimace, the matching scowls on Heero and Trowa's faces.

"It's… whatever is going to be best for the team," Duo said.

He couldn't- he didn't know how to say how very much he needed to be needed by them. He knew it was pathetic and selfish. And if they felt good playing with Sally this weekend, then they should. If they didn't trust him, if they didn't want him, it wouldn't help to push himself back in as part of the team.

"Well, what do you - Duo, the surgeon said that you'd been sick for weeks - in pain for weeks. I think we're all concerned that you need time to heal and rest." Quatre said it in the same voice he used when laying out game strategies, and Duo slumped into his chair.

They didn't want him to play.

"Yeah. Okay. If that's what-"

"What do you want?" Heero asked, the first thing he had said to Duo in almost a week.

Duo looked over at him, and wasn't surprised to see Heero glaring at him.

What did Duo want? He wanted to be wanted. He wanted Heero. And Trowa. He wanted to be with them and he wanted- he wanted all the things he couldn't have.

"I want the team to have the best chance of winning. We have to finish in the top two so that our summer playoffs go well. If you all think that Sally playing this weekend is what's best for the team, then that's what I want."

"We want what's best for you, Duo," Quatre said. "What's best for you and what's best for the team."

Duo nodded in understanding. Quatre was being Quatre - he was being nice and generous. He was trying to make sure Duo didn't feel like an asshole or a loser, but it was clear to Duo that they didn't want him playing this weekend.

"Are you ready to play, or do you need more time to rest?" Meilin asked him.

"I-"

"Would you even tell us if you weren't ready?" Trowa interrupted Duo. "Or are you just going to pretend you're fine until you collapse again?"

Duo glared at him, but Trowa returned the look with equal anger.

"When do you have your follow-up appointment with the doctor?" Sally asked.

"Friday morning," Duo answered without looking away from Trowa.

"Okay." Sally drew in a deep breath, and it was clear that she - and everyone else - was uncomfortable with Duo and Trowa's glaring match. "So why don't you take it easy for the rest of the night and tomorrow morning. In the afternoon, if you're feeling up to it, you should sit in on practice. Then have an early night. After the appointment on Friday morning, we'll reassess - if your doctor thinks you're fine then we'll have you scrim on Friday afternoon, and if everyone feels good about it, you'll play this weekend. How does that sound?"

It sounded like Trowa had just sold Duo out.

Duo realized he was gripping his fork so tightly that his knuckles were white. He forced himself to relax and set the fork down.

"Yeah. Great plan," he managed to say.

Quatre nodded, either missing the hollow tone to Duo's voice or choosing to ignore it.

"Good. I think it is too. It gives you more time to rest - and you can ease back into things."

"Yeah," Duo agreed.

He finally looked away from Trowa, unable to stand it any longer.

"I, uh, you know, the food isn't sitting that well with me. I think I might just go lie back down."

"Can I get you anything else?" Relena asked. "Do you want soup or-"

"No. No, I'm okay. Still just really tired."

He pushed away from the table and scraped his plate clean before putting it into the dishwasher.

"You guys… have a good practice tonight," he said, feeling like an idiot.

"Thanks. Get some rest," Quatre replied.

"I'll come check on you later, okay?" Relena offered.

Duo shrugged. "Yeah, but I'll probably just be asleep."

No one else had anything to say, and Duo left the room.

He went upstairs and reached for his phone, intent on calling Hilde. He desperately needed to hear her voice, to hear her tell him this wasn't a big deal.

But his call went to her voicemail.

Of course - she was probably practicing or eating with her team.

Duo drew in a deep breath and forced himself to text her.

Call me later if you can.

It would be fine. He would be fine.

Everything would be fine.

He snorted at the lies he was telling himself.

Everything would not be fine.

He had fucked it up again. His team no longer trusted him. Trowa- Trowa hated him and Heero seemed to feel the same way.

Duo felt just as alone as he had in the hospital, just as isolated, just as depressed.

He lay awake in his bed for a long time, staring up at the ceiling fan as it turned lazily, and he wondered what the hell he was supposed to do now.

-o-

It was midnight when someone knocked on his closed door.

"Yeah?" he called out. He had fallen asleep, briefly, but had woken up again an hour ago, unable to get comfortable or fall back asleep.

He had set up his computer and decided to watch the games from last weekend that he had missed.

The door opened but, instead of Relena, Meilin came in.

"You decent? One Maxwell dick is all that I need to see in this lifetime."

"I'm as decent as I ever am," Duo retorted.

Meilin snorted and shut the door behind her. She walked over and sat on the foot of his bed and regarded him with dark, somber eyes.

"What?"

"You wanna talk about it?"

Duo frowned. "Talk about what?"

Meilin arched an eyebrow at him. "Duo. Come on. I know what it feels like to be the only one. I was the only girl on ZG - I'm the only girl on TGW, and while you guys at least have female support staff, you're still a bunch of guys. I know what it feels like to feel like no one else gets you." She waved her hand in a vague gesture. "I know it's tough being gay and having the community treat you like it does. And I know it's… I know you're not dating anyone or anything, and it's clear you're lonely. And angry."

Duo snorted. He was definitely lonely, definitely angry.

But he also wasn't the only guy on this team who was gay - and even that. He couldn't even talk about that.

"Is it better here, than it was on ZG?" Duo asked.

"Well, yeah. You guys aren't a bunch of misogynists. Honestly, I think Quatre's the only one who even thinks of me as a girl - and that's just because he's so concerned about being polite."

"I don't think of you as a guy," Duo had to say.

Meilin smirked. "Oh, is that why you haven't tried flirting with me?"

Duo glared at her.

"No, I know you don't think of me as a guy - but you also don't care that I'm a girl. Neither do Trowa and Heero - hell, I could be a fucking robot for all that they care about anyone who isn't in their special buddy club."

A week ago, Duo would have jumped to their defense. Tonight, however, he could only nod in agreement.

"Trowa and Heero seem really pissed at me," Duo sighed.

Meilin shrugged. "Yeah. You scared the shit out of all of us. You should have seen Trowa onstage when you passed out - I didn't even realize he was physically capable of freaking out like that."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm not. Quatre had to shove him out of the way so that the EMTs could get to you. And Heero, he was just kind of catatonic. He didn't say a word to anyone until you were out of surgery and they told us all to leave the hospital."

"He was there?"

"We all were - until they made us leave. Solo told me he would stay with you though. He did, right? At least that first night?"

Duo nodded. "Yeah. And the next day."

"Good. I knew he was a decent human being under all of his crap. And hair."

Duo managed a small smile at that, but his brain was trying to wrap itself around the knowledge that Heero and Trowa had been there - that they had been worried about him. That they cared.

Funny way they had of showing it now.

"Hey."

Duo met Meilin's gaze.

"Everyone just wants you healthy, Duo. We all want you here. We all need you here. And look, I love Sally - but she's not you. We need you. So go to fucking sleep and eat something tomorrow so that Quatre and Relena don't have you put back in the hospital, okay?"

Duo nodded, and Meilin got off the bed.

"Hey."

She turned around at the door and looked at him.

"Thanks."

She smirked at him. "No problem. I want to win Worlds, you know, so it's entirely in my own personal interests to make sure you stop moping around - and stop trying to die in the middle of a game."

"I was not trying to-"

"Night!" She closed the door with a definitive thud.

Duo sighed.

He didn't really know what to think or how to feel after Meilin's revelations - but he knew she was right about getting some sleep.

If he wanted to play again, if he wanted to have a chance at having everyone trust him again, if he wanted them to want him again, he needed to sleep.

So he closed his computer and lay back down.

He had to roll over, had to wedge one of his pillows against his back and clutch the other one, but eventually he was able to close his eyes and feel like he wasn't alone in the bed.